Vestige of Courage

by Sara Blackard

  Chase drove up the mountain to the ranch, the trip seeming to take forever, just like the rest of the morning. Normally, he loved this drive with the scenery changing from sagebrush and twisted mesquite to towering pine and stately aspen. The different tones of gold, red, and orange usually built his excitement for the winter sports that were just around the corner. Now, they just reminded him of his dreams shriveling and twirling away.

  Geez, Bennett, dramatic much?

  He shook his shoulders, trying to force the tension off. His dreams would only shrivel and die if he didn’t find some courage and push forward. If only the doctor would call with the results of the test, he could figure out how to move on. He felt stuck, in a holding pattern that had his teeth gritting and mind whirling. If he kept up this woe-is-me attitude, Beatrice was bound to move on and move out. People of her time probably didn’t have much need for sniveling whiners.

  His phone rang, and he glanced at the screen and groaned. “Hey, Pete. What’s up?”

  “Chase, man, what’s the deal? When are you coming off that mountain so we can start filming again?” Pete’s hopeful tone had Chase grinding his teeth.

  Pete, Chase’s cameraman and good friend, had been patient so far with Chase’s break in filming. He’d understood Chase needed time to look for Hunter. It wasn’t like the money had stopped flowing from YouTube. They both were still making bank every month, but Pete and Chase were cut from the same cloth. They craved adventure and loved the philanthropy work they’d been able to do because of the channel. It wasn’t fair for Chase to keep Pete hanging on, but he wasn’t ready to let go of the dream just yet.

  “I don’t know, man. Things are a little crazy here at the moment.” Chase knew Pete deserved a better answer than that. “Listen, give me another month. Another month, then I’ll know what I want to do.”

  “All right, Chase, but if we don’t get busy organizing the schedule we came up with before Hunter disappeared, we won’t be able to start shooting until July, maybe August.” Pete’s reminder prodded Chase’s sense of adventure, his desire to engage in a world larger than the ranch.

  He sighed out his frustration. “Yeah. I understand. I’ll call you.”

  Chase hung up as he pulled into the drive and parked the truck. Eddie worked in the holding pen raking up the mess the sheep had left while waiting to be transferred. Just another situation to pull at his conscience. He felt a little guilty about making the last job Eddie did such a nasty one. He had decided as soon as Eddie finished cleaning the holding pen, Chase was letting him go for the winter. If he kept ranching, he’d offer Eddie another job next spring. Eddie nodded his head at Chase before bending back to work.

  Chase headed to the house, intent on finding Beatrice and joining her in whatever she was doing. Silence welcomed him as he tossed his coat and cowboy hat on the antlers hung on the wall. He glanced in the mirror over the side table, feeling like an idiot as he straightened his hat-rimmed hair. Soft laughter sounded down the hall, drawing him like a bear to honey. He paused as he approached the office door, a one-sided conversation floating to his ears.

  Beatrice sighed heavily. “Zeke, I don’t know. I just keep coming up empty. I’ve searched again and again and can’t find hide nor hair of Hope.”

  He leaned quietly against the hall wall. He’d been so hopeful this morning when he’d come to the house for breakfast. He thought for sure she’d be interested in meeting other ranchers or at the very least going to the movies. Her face had momentarily lit up when he’d asked only to shutter blank. The soft “no, thank you” had lingered in the pit of his stomach all morning, distracting him at the meeting and stealing his appetite.

  Her laughter rolled into the hall. “No, I don’t think it’s because I don’t know what I’m doing. Well, I guess it could be, but either way I need your help.”

  There it was. She had finally realized she didn’t need Chase. In fact, her teasing voice and quick wit had dried up around him in the last week.

  “Thanks, Zeke. You’re so kind.” Was that flirting he heard in her voice? “Do you think you can dig deeper, or do you know anyone who can?”

  He wished he could peek around the corner. What he really should do was leave, but his feet didn’t seem to want to cooperate. His head just wasn’t in the mood to force them to walk.

  “Yeah? That would be wonderful. I really appreciate it.”

  Chase’s heart sank at her words. Sure Zeke could help her. He was ex-super soldier, for goodness’ sake.

  “Of course, I’d enjoy meeting you for coffee. I can finally see why everyone loves these fancy things you all are intent on drinking.”

  Chase’s heart ground to a stop, then raced off in a pounding speed he was sure she could hear on the other side of the wall. This was what eavesdropping got you, a firsthand witness to the love of your life agreeing to go on a date with another guy. A guy you considered a good friend at that.

  He quietly retraced his steps back down the hall. If he heard any more, he might vomit on the floor. He’d blown it, well and truly exploded his chances with Beatrice to smithereens. He didn’t really blame her. Zeke was an awesome guy. Chase knew he couldn’t compete, but he also knew he’d regret not fighting for Beatrice even more than his night of shame.

  He stalked out the back door and slumped into the porch swing. He had to do something to convince her he deserved a chance. He’d changed since college, tried to follow God as best he could. Sure he wasn’t perfect, but he wasn’t chopped liver either. He’d capitalized on the YouTube scene, making a ridiculous amount of money with his channel. He helped people in need, making sure a large chunk of his profit went to support different organizations that spread God’s Word by bringing aid to those in dire circumstances.

  The wall his past had built between him and Beatrice might take a wrecking ball to knock down, but as long as she was here, he was going to take advantage of every opportunity he could get to tumble it down. He couldn’t let his fear of not measuring up to Hunter’s perfection hold him back anymore. He had to gather up his courage and step out in faith. God hadn’t brought Beatrice here to him only to rip her away. If he wanted her to stay, he had to prove why she should, not sit idly by.

  Chase had seen interest in her eyes that morning. Fine, if she didn’t want to venture to town with him, he’d have to bring the experience to her. As a plan formed in his mind, he exhaled, looking up to the sky and thanking the Lord for the divine inspiration.

  Chapter 20

  August 30, 1897

  Dear Beatrice, I finally got Hunter to go down to Yampah Springs. My bones were needing a good soak before winter, and Samara keeps talking about how much it’s changed. I tell you what, you wouldn’t even recognize it now. We stayed in this fancy lodging called the Hotel Colorado. They have built a swimming pool that is fed by the hot springs. It has a slide that is so long I had to close my eyes when the children went down it. They would be upset at me, especially the boys, if they knew I still considered them children. They are such fine young men, big and strong like their pa, but they will always be children to me. We had such a splendid time and ate the most amazing food, I don’t think it will be so hard to get Hunter to come down again next autumn.

  Zeke’s deep chuckle rumbled through the phone and into Beatrice’s ear. “You know, the coffees really aren’t that fancy. It’s basically coffee with warm milk and chocolate or something thrown in.”

  Beatrice’s face scrunched up. “Warm milk? That doesn’t sound so good.”

  “Oh, it’s not bad, but I still like my coffee black. Now, a good chai tea with frothed coconut milk and a bit of honey, that is fancy. The Canary Café on Grand makes a great chai, plus they have killer red beans and rice that would rival my grandma’s back in Louisiana.”

  “I wonder if that’s where Samantha works.”

  “Samantha, as in the woman who is trying to ruin Chase’s life, Samantha?” Zeke’s tone turned a bit angry.

  “Um, yes. That would be he
r. Though, I don’t think she’s trying to ruin his life. Something happened to force her to come out here. I honestly don’t think she would’ve contacted Chase if it wasn’t a necessity.” Beatrice couldn’t help defending her new friend. The more she’d gotten to know Samantha over the two hours she and Evangeline had spent at the house, the more she liked Samantha’s grit.

  “And that makes it better how, exactly?”

  “She’s done fine raising Evangeline so far. She said she messed up Chase’s life enough that night. She didn’t want to saddle him with a kid. She already took advantage of their friendship once.” She slumped back into the office chair. “I don’t know, Zeke. As much as I don’t understand about this time, I do understand how she’s feeling.”

  “See, that’s the problem. If this kid is Chase’s, then he deserves to know about it.”

  She could hear rapid tapping through the phone, like something was hitting wood over and over again.

  Zeke sighed and the tapping stopped. “I’m not perfect, Beatrice. I sowed some wild oats in my days before Hunter led me to the Lord. I believe Chase and I think enough the same, and I’m telling you, if I have a kid out there somewhere, I sure as shooting want to know.”

  “Well, either way, it doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

  “Why?”

  “We all have situations in our past that we’d rather not have. Shoot, I grew up in the middle of the mountains, far away from most people, and I still have sins I’d rather forget.” Beatrice’s chest tightened. Should she talk to Zeke about her dreams? Could she be brave enough to be vulnerable? She closed her eyes and silently prayed. “Zeke, could I ask you something?”

  “Sure, Bea, you know I’m here to help.”

  She hoped her shaking voice wouldn’t expose her emotions too much. “Does it ever get easier? I mean, the remembering of taking a life? I just … I … I can’t sleep without William haunting me. I close my eyes and he’s there asking me why I did it, why I didn’t help him. I can’t—” Her voice cracked. “What if I could have helped him? I should’ve tried harder.”

  “Ah, Bea.” His voice was soft. “I know it’s hard. It will get better, I promise, but it’ll take some time. I still feel guilty about what I’ve done for my country.”

  “It should’ve been me. I shouldn’t have fought.” She lowered her head onto the desk.

  “No, Beatrice, don’t you dare think like that. William attacked you. You had every right to defend yourself.”

  “But, Zeke, I know the Lord. If I wouldn’t have fought back, William might still have had a chance at heaven.”

  “Oh, honey. You can’t think like that. You know William could’ve chosen a different path. He’s the one who chose darkness, not you, Beatrice. We can’t hold ourselves accountable for other’s actions. There’s just no way our shoulders are big enough for that heavy load.”

  What Zeke said made sense, but it still didn’t lessen the guilt.

  “I just feel so bad,” she whispered.

  “Listen, I have a friend who helps soldiers work through this kind of stuff. She helped me a ton, so I think she can help you. I’m going to call her and see if she can talk with you over the phone.” His voice held the calm she’d come accustomed to, the calm that infused into her own soul. “In the meantime, I’ll see what I can find out about Hope.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Zeke.”

  “Call me if you need me. Anytime, Bea.”

  “I will.”

  “Good. Talk to you soon.”

  Beatrice tapped the end button and cradled the phone in her hands. She was thankful that out of all the people in the world, Zeke was one she could call a friend. In a lot of ways, he reminded her of her pa, bigger than life, yet easy to talk to. If she hadn’t already set her cap for Chase, she could easily consider a courtship with Zeke. Yet, if she didn’t get over her insecurities, that cap for Chase might just get knocked off permanently, blowing away in the autumn wind.

  The alfredo was almost done, and the salad chilled in the fridge. Chase was just putting the French bread into the oven to toast when Beatrice sauntered in, sniffing dramatically. She stepped up beside him and stirred the pasta.

  “This looks incredible, Chase.” She turned her smile on him, stopping his heart in his chest.

  His heart jumpstarted and jackhammered like those cartoons he grew up with. Would she make another excuse? Come on, Bennett. You’ve got this.

  He lifted one side of his mouth. “Well, since you couldn’t come to town with me today, I brought town to you.”

  She leaned back on the counter and furrowed her forehead. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, dinner might not be as good as Sammy’s Steakhouse, and the movie won’t be as big.” He shrugged.

  “Movie?”

  “I thought after dinner we could watch a movie outside. I’ll build a fire in the pit and project a movie onto the side of the house.” He prayed she wouldn’t retreat to her room or worse, laugh at him.

  She rubbed her neck, and her hand shook slightly. She swallowed. “You did all this for me? Even after I didn’t go with you today?”

  Her voice held such vulnerability he wanted to cross the few feet that separated them and pull her close. Instead, he leaned back against the opposite counter, crossing his feet in a way he hoped looked relaxed. Her conversation with Zeke played through his head, making him hesitant.

  “Beatrice, I don’t care where we are or what we do. I just want to spend time with you, that’s all.” He attempted to breathe normally though his lungs screamed for a deep breath.

  She glanced around the room. She closed her eyes and smiled wistfully. He took the opportunity to wipe his sweaty hands on his pants.

  She stared at him, her eye contact never wavering. “Thank you, Chase. I wanted to go today, but I think this might be even better.”

  “Why didn’t you?” He prepared his heart for what she would say.

  A flush crept up her face, and she looked down at her feet as she scuffed one across the floor. “I guess I was worried. I didn’t know what the other people would think about us.”

  His neck and face became impossibly hot as he realized that his past didn’t just bring him shame, but also embarrassed her. “Beatrice, I would never say anything to anyone that would compromise your reputation. Ever. I’m sorry that I’ve caused you so much discomfort.”

  “No, it’s not you. You’ve been a gentleman through all of this, Chase. I guess I’m still trying to figure everything out, how to blend my upbringing with this time. I regretted not going with you the instant you drove away.”

  The smell of toasted bread brought him quickly to the oven. He grabbed the oven mitts and pulled the bread out. It was a bit darker than he liked, but thankfully, it wasn’t burnt.

  He turned to her and winked. “Phew, I thought I’d made toast like you do.”

  Her mouth dropped open, and she smacked his arm. He tipped back his head, the laughter coming from deep in his belly. It weaved through him, loosening the knots that had tied tight within his stomach and muscles. She snorted, crossing her arms in a pout. The way her lips pressed tight together and the twinkle in her eye told him she wasn’t as offended as she put on.

  “I only burnt the toast once. You act like it’s a recurring event.” She shook her head, her smile escaping her hold.

  “Well, I guess since you’ve only made toast once, that would be true.” He scooted out of her arm’s length and placed the bread on the cutting board. “If you don’t mind helping, could you please grab the salad out of the fridge? That should be safe enough, no burners that could catch fire.”

  He ducked, barely dodging the hand towel she tossed at him.

  “You better watch it, partner.” She threw him a saucy smile as she crossed the kitchen to the fridge. “Next time, I might try the microwave.”

  His eyes widened as his imagination raced with everything that could happen with her in the kitchen. “You know what, Beatrice. I don’t mind cooking,
really, especially if it’s for you. If you never wanted to cook another day in your life, I wouldn’t complain.”

  She turned, the salad bowl hugged against her and the light from the refrigerator haloing her like an angel. She blinked her eyes rapidly, then her expression softened. Chase realized what he had just promised, but he wasn’t going to take it back. He’d leave the comment out there for her to mull on. He had a night to remember to orchestrate. If everything went as planned, he’d have a chance another day to declare his intentions formally.

  The silence of the house didn’t bother Beatrice that night like it had the other nights since Chase had started staying in the bunkhouse. Of course, that might be due to the fact that she was snuggled deep into Chase’s bed, his scent quieting the images that haunted her at night. She had come down here two nights earlier, escaping the dreams that frightened her awake. Escaping the guilt that pressed on her. She hadn’t planned on staying in his room, but it was like her heart had led her feet in here. The instant she had stepped in the doorway, her galloping pulse had slowed. She’d climbed into the bed and wrapped herself in the sheets that smelled of him.

  She had woken up the next morning, not remembering falling asleep … a deep sleep without the terror of memories. She’d quickly remade the bed and rushed upstairs before he came in from the bunkhouse for breakfast. Since that night, when she knew he wouldn’t be returning, she ventured downstairs instead of sleeping in her own room.

  Tonight it wasn’t nightmares keeping her up into the early morning hours. The night Chase had planned played out through her mind, banishing sleep off into the mountains in the distance. They had talked about his meeting over the delicious and creamy dinner. She remembered having similar food when her family would travel to visit her ma’s father, but it had been a long time since she’d had something so rich and decadent.