Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3)

by Melanie James

  Eventually, Gabe carried me to the bed, laying me on my back. I thought I’d have a chance to catch my breath, but when he placed his head between my legs and put his magic tongue to work, I was once again lost in carnal pleasure.

  “Would Mistress Kelly like me to join in pleasuring her?”

  “What?” Unless Gabe was a fantastic pussy-licking ventriloquist, that was not him speaking. “2.0? Shit! What are you doing here?”

  Gabe immediately sat up, obviously confused. Then his face turned white. “Am I dreaming? Is this all some kind of weird dream? There I am standing over there, talking to... And talking weird?”

  I’d already scooted to the edge of the bed, covering myself with the comforter. “Gabe, this is Gabe 2.0. Ezzy magically cloned you while you were gone.”

  “Cloned me? Why in the world would Ezzy clone me?”

  “Her original idea was to send 2.0 up to the Arctic and switch places. That way you could be here with me and not get in any trouble.”

  “Original idea? So what changed?”

  “Um, well… first off, broom travel was cancelled. So Gabe 2.0 here had to just hang around at my place along with Ezzy and Barney.”

  “Mistress Kelly, I will provide sexual gratification if the man is unable. I am fully erect,” Gabe 2.0 said.

  Gabe stood up and shook his head, obviously disappointed, “I think I understand why you kept him around. I suppose I should be glad you chose to clone me for your stand-in guy.”

  “No! No, no. It wasn’t like that at all. Isn’t that right, Gabe 2.0? You and I never had any sexual contact. I know you can’t tell lies.”

  “That is correct, Mistress Kelly, I did not have sex with you. I only had sex with Mistress Esmeralda.”

  “Oh!” I huffed. “That dirty little witch. She promised.”

  “Yes, Mistress Kelly. I cannot lie. The frog, Barney ordered me to have sex with her so he could gratify himself while he watched us.”

  “Too much information, Gabe 2.0. Thank you for telling the truth, you may leave now.”

  Once Gabe 2.0 left the room, Gabe fell on the bed laughing his ass off. “You have the freakiest bunch of friends. So you didn’t want Ezzy to be with my clone, 2.0? Why?”

  “Because he’s an exact replica of you. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I’m not really upset about it, now that you’re here. But if you think what Ezzy did was crazy, wait until you meet Randy’s clone and hear about his purpose. There’s some really crazy shit going on there at the plantation.”

  “Knowing Randy and Gertie, I can just imagine. Poor Brad, he’s the most clearheaded of that bunch and only by a little bit.” Gabe took my hand as I lay down next to him. “Sorry if I was upset. But you have to admit, it didn’t sound good.”

  “No, you don’t need to apologize. Trust me, I would’ve been a lot worse if I were you. Psycho, actually.”

  “Kelly, there’s something I want to ask you. It’s selfish, on my part. But I’m asking… will you move up North and live with me? I have to stay up there, not because of my job, but because of my bear responsibilities. I’m the leader of what’s left of us and I can’t move down here. I’m hoping to ask you more questions in the future. But for now, I just want to make sure you know what it would be like living with me, so far from the city…”

  I placed a finger over his lips. “You’re letting the cat out of the bag by unveiling your entire game plan, werebear. I’ve thought about what it would be like living up there. To be honest, the dirt roads suck. So does the shopping,” I teased. “But after worrying about you and missing you more and more every day, being with you is the most important thing to me. Of course I’ll move in with you.”

  “What about 2.0? Will we have to keep him around, like a pet or something?”

  “Ha. The clones are supposed to expire within a few days of being created. Just go poof, and they disappear. But because our magic is shut down, they aren’t going away. Until then, yeah. He’d be like a pet or something. You never know when an extra hand, or penis, might come in handy.” I winked. “Seriously though, I bet he’d be great at chopping firewood.”

  We kissed and he held me. “Gabe? So how long do I need to live there before I start dropping not-so-subtle hints about how I’d like to live there forever? A couple hours?”

  “Wow. I’ll leave it up to you. I was thinking you’d mull it over for months. You usually think things over pretty thoroughly, but a couple hours is just fine by me.”

  “Me? Taking time to think things through? Naw, that’s just worrying. Anyway, I think you should get back to what you were doing before we were so rudely interrupted.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  New Developments

  Gabe and I continued our passionate reunion in various ways for another half hour. I ignored the metallic click, but only for a few seconds. Lifting my head from the pillow I was face down on, I caught sight of the lever-style door handle moving.

  “Oh, no!” I yelled.

  “Oh, yes!” Gabe shouted, oblivious to my shocked realization.

  I couldn’t escape his grasp on my hips as he delivered his final climactic thrusts.

  “Oh, baby, I’m…”

  “Coming? It’s about time,” Ezzy said, swinging the door open just as Gabe hit his peak. Of course, it had to be Ezzy. “Now you two kids can join us out in the living room. Hmm. You know something? Ass up, face down, hair over the side of the bed—it’s a great look for you, Kel,” she said, dodging the pillow I threw at her. Thankfully, she left as quickly as she arrived.

  Gabe collapsed, pulling me up alongside him. All we could do was laugh. What did we expect would happen, having sex with our friends milling about in the other room?

  Eventually we joined the others in the penthouse’s comfortable lounge. Barney tended the bar, if you want to call it that. He actually sat on the bar, huddling with Johnny Nipples and Hamster Dick. Their wild, riotous laughter was so loud it drowned out everyone’s conversation.

  Gertie, red-faced and wide-eyed, walked away from them. I supposed they were sharing some of their nastiest jokes until I saw what they were huddled around. It was a tablet, and it appeared to be displaying a live feed from a security camera.

  Gabe and I met Brad and Gertie. “So what has them laughing like clowns?” I asked.

  “Jaysus!” Gertie replied. “Johnny Nipples is connected to every camera in the hotel, plus some extra ones they snuck in. Some of the things they are watching, I can’t even mention. All I can say is, people do some very crazy things in hotel hot tubs and saunas.”

  “But do they have a camera in Professor Horowitz’ room?”

  Brad replied, “Sure. So far nothing there, so they’re enjoying themselves at the cost of everyone else’s privacy.”

  Randy poked his head between Gertie and Brad. “Johnny is a genius. He placed wireless cameras on room service carts. What a great way to spy on someone.”

  “And to record videos to upload to some amateur porn site, I’m sure. Those depraved swine,” Ezzy said, strolling over to us.

  “Speaking of depravity,” I said, poking her in the chest. “2.0 told us a very interesting story. You broke your promise.”

  “Hey, Alice told me you were getting Gabe back this evening. I figured that dissolved our agreement.” She eyed Gabe from head to toe. “I have to hand it to you, Kel. I don’t know how you do him. Your man is hung like a donkey and has the stamina of a racehorse. It was fun and all but I feel like someone punched my cooter with a zucchini. Too damn big.”

  “That explains the noises coming out of your room for the last two hours,” Randy said. “I was convinced there was an exorcism going down in there.”

  Ezzy laughed. “I can attest to the fact that they are both very vocal.”

  “The power of cock compels you!” Randy said, joining Ezzy in fits of laughter. “Seriously, we didn’t know if you were having sex, fighting a demon, or offering a human sacrifice.”

  “Very funny, smart-as
ses. I’m glad we could provide the entertainment.”

  “Hey guys!” Barney shouted. “Get over here. We’ve got movement in Horowitz’s room.”

  The slightly blurry grayscale image displayed the shoulder and arm of what was presumably a male subject.

  “Low light. That’s why it’s such a lousy picture. He must have only turned on the nightlight. Just watch for a while and try to spot any details you could use to identify this person again. Look at the arm. Like that wristwatch. We can see that it’s definitely a man’s watch. We’ll check the hallway recording to see who it picked up going by this room. No rings. Long sleeve with cuffs, so you know it must be a button-down shirt. Light, solid color.”

  “Any guesses about what he’s doing?” Randy asked.

  “He’s wrapping something in paper. Something small. Johnny, zoom in on that please,” I said.

  “It’s at the bottom of a suitcase. Maybe he’s hiding a piece,” Hamster noted.

  “No, I don’t think it’s a gun. More like… a little figurine,” I said, glancing over at Alice. “Interesting. Don’t you think, Alice? Any thoughts?”

  “It looks like the watch I’ve seen Professor Horowitz wear. And that thing he’s wrapping—well, it looked like it had wings, bug’s wings. But not a butterfly, more like a flying beetle or a grasshopper. The head was a dog and the body was human. The legs were already wrapped but no matter. I know what it is and it is not a good thing. Not at all,” Alice replied. Her hand trembled as she pointed to the object in the image.

  “What’s got you so spooked?” Randy asked.

  “It is an image of something terrible. I can’t say the name of that ancient demon. I won’t, and if you find out the name you must never say it out loud. That goes for all of you.”

  “Okay, Alice. We get it. But let’s assume that is Horowitz wrapping the statue up—what could it mean? Other than another artifact for sale on the black market.”

  “Figurines like that are very powerful. I was trapped in one, and apparently that dangerous demon is too. It should not be traded around like a Beanie Baby. We need to get it and bury it where no one will ever find it.”

  “We know exactly where it is. Taking it will be no problem,” Hamster said.

  “Fine, but it gets us nowhere. I say we go in that room and force whoever that is to tell us everything. Who the buyer is, where they are. Let’s get this case moving,” I said. My patience running very thin.

  “That’s not a problem either. Jobs like that are our specialty, in fact,” Johnny replied.

  “Oh yeah, we can be very persuasive,” Hamster said, adding a mischievous chuckle.

  Randy offered to monitor the cameras while Johnny and Hamster snatched the mysterious smuggler. We crowded around the tablet, pushing Randy aside so we could witness the abduction. Before long, the image shook and became too blurry to tell what happened.

  Randy’s phone rang and he stepped back to take the call. Returning to the group, he said, “That was Johnny. They have two people restrained and they don’t want to haul them both up here.” He picked up Johnny’s tool bag. “Johnny said he doesn’t want to draw attention by bringing a big crowd down, just you and Ezzy.” He handed me the canvas bag filled with tools. “And he needs this for something.”

  As Ezzy and I stood in the elevator, we silently wondered who we’d be meeting.

  Chapter Thirty

  Tortuous Temptress

  “At least the lights are on now,” I said, entering the room. Johnny and Hamster Dick towered over two captive men, strapped to chairs with duct tape. Even their mouths were covered with tape.

  One man was someone we easily recognized by his fuzzy white hair.

  “Professor Horowitz? Or his clone?” I asked.

  “I say clone,” Ezzy pointed out. “Hey, it’s a fifty-fifty guess.”

  The old man shook his head, emitting a series of muffled grunts. I leaned down and carefully examined him. “I don’t think we can tell for sure by looking at him. I’m going to take the tape off his mouth.” I picked at a corner and freed it from his skin. His eyes clamped shut with each tiny tug of the tape. “I’m sorry. I know this has to hurt.”

  “You’ve gone soft on me, Kelly,” Ezzy said, taking hold of the loosened tape with one hand and steadying his head by gripping his fuzzy afro with the other.

  “You’re not going to…” I started to ask.

  It looked like she was pull-starting a lawn mower while wearing a naughty French maid’s outfit, bizarrely enough. One quick, long yank and her arm swung up behind her with the tape fluttering like a grotesque pennant.

  I’ll never forget the sickening sound of industrial strength duct tape ripping away from the poor man’s face and lips, or his screams. I could see why it was doubly painful. Most of the man’s mustache dangled sadly from the strip in Ezzy’s hands.

  “Oh, I see,” she said, mostly drowned out by his unremitting screams. She plucked a pinch of sticky hairs from the tape and pushed them back onto his upper lip. “Here you go. You can have these back. Now quit the goddamned screaming. You’re giving me a headache.”

  “Jesus Christ, Ezzy!” I said, shocked by her behavior.

  “I told you, I’m done jacking around.”

  After the screaming subsided, I took the lead in questioning the old man. “Tell me your name and where you work.”

  “You bumbling half-wits already know who I am! My name is Doctor Eugene Horowitz III, professor of Near Eastern Archaeology at the University of Chicago.”

  “A body was found in the Chicago River recently, not far from here. It was identified as yours. What do you know about this?” I asked.

  “A body? They think it’s me? That is very strange. I don’t know anything about it. I haven’t watched the news for days. I’ve been busy preparing for a business trip.”

  Ezzy dangled the little piece of duct tape in his face, threatening him. “We know you have plane tickets to leave the country. You can quit the charade about your business. We know you’ve been dealing in black market antiquities. Imagine what all the other archaeologists would say if they found out? You’d be ruined.”

  “It’s not—it’s not what you think. You don’t understand. I have no choice. They have my daughter. And I have only one last transaction to make for them. Once it’s over, I get her back and the two of us are leaving the country. We’re going into hiding.”

  “Sarah Scurvay is your daughter?” I asked.

  “Yes. And I’m so close. I finally have the last item on their wish list, a small statuette of the demon Pazuzu.”

  Ezzy scolded him, “Don’t ever say its name. We’ll be lucky if it doesn’t swoop in here and eat us all!”

  Horowitz looked at each of us in amazement. “Who are you people? Did somebody leave the cage door open at the lunatic asylum?”

  “A friend of ours has issues with ancient demons. Let’s focus on you, Professor. Tell us how this racket works.”

  “Right. It’s been like a scavenger hunt. They gave me money and I used my expertise and connections to acquire the items on the list. In return, they promised to release my daughter. Like I was saying, I have the last item. Then this guy showed up, trying to steal it. I have no idea who he is. I suppose I should thank you for saving me, despite getting my lips ripped off my face.”

  “Cover your ears,” Ezzy said. She gripped the edge of the tape on the other man’s mouth, tearing it away with more vigor than she had applied to Horowitz.

  The man howled like a wounded ape.

  Ezzy admired her handiwork. “I’m really liking this duct tape. I do believe I removed some of his freckles.”

  The man was taller and younger than Horowitz, with short red hair and freckles dotting his face—some of which now resided on Ezzy’s duct tape. He clenched his face, forcing himself to swallow his screams. “Raar! You people have no idea what you’ve gotten into. I advise you to cut me loose and walk away.”

  “Or what? You’ll hop around in your cha
ir and scream?” Johnny said.

  “I’m not Horowitz. So save your amateur interrogation, I’m not playing along,” he said.

  Johnny pawed around his tool bag, producing a cordless drill. “Seems like you need a root canal. They do wonders for your attitude.”

  “You don’t scare me,” the man said.

  Johnny pressed the trigger, spinning up the drill bit. The shrill whine was enough to make my own teeth hurt. “These young ladies have some questions, and you better answer them, or…” He powered up the drill again.

  “Or what?”

  Johnny leaned his head down between me and Ezzy and whispered, “I thought it’d scare him like I saw in the movies. I never drilled a guy’s teeth. I don’t think I can do it. Now what?”

  Ezzy snatched the drill and huffed. “For fuck’s sake, let me do it. Hold his big mouth open while I sink this drill right down to the roots.”

  Johnny grabbed the man by the jaws like one of those lion tamers in the cartoons, holding his mouth wide open.

  Cleary, Ezzy had no qualms about doing it, but she gave him an option. “Last chance. Are you going to cooperate?”

  Johnny release his grip and the man nodded. “Okay, okay. Ask away.”

  “Don’t bullshit me, or I swear you’ll never chew food again,” Ezzy threatened.

  I figured it was my turn to go to work. “What’s your name and why were you here trying to steal the professor’s statue?”

  “My name is Ian. Ian MacBallsac. I arrived in Chicago an hour ago. I’m here on a special mission to return that statue to its rightful owner, the Wizard of Waaz.”

  “Hold his mouth open again, Johnny,” Ezzy said, turning on the drill. “MacBallsac? Wizard of Waaz? Those smart-ass answers just cost you those goofy-looking buckteeth.”