Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3)

by Melanie James

  “No! I’m dead serious. Check my wallet. It’s in my back pocket. I have an official ID card.”

  Johnny picked Ian’s pocket and found the ID card. “He’s not lying. Ian MacBallsac, Special Agent, WOW Security Service. And it even says it was issued by the Wizard of Waaz headquarters in Topeka, Kansas.”

  “You see now? I’m telling the truth. The Wizard of Waaz was a wary warlock…”

  “Stop!” Ezzy barked. “Is that a goddamn tongue twister or something?”

  “No. I’m merely trying to explain who I work for. According to legend, the original Wizard was a demon hunter, kicked out of the Knights Templar for hording heretical pagan statues during the crusades. He was certain those things were evil, so he took them in order to safeguard them. Generation after generation of his descendants were kicked out of secret societies, fraternal orders, lodges, bowling leagues, and even bridge clubs. All because they were considered too extreme. Finally, after getting thrown out of the last organization available, Oprah’s Book Club, the most recent Waaz descendent settled in Kansas. There on the plains, he built a compound where he and other fundamentalist demon hunters, post-alien-abduction survivors, and conspiracy theorists can live in harmony. We call it WOW for short.”

  “I could use a drink. Anyone want to join me?” Ezzy shook her head. “Post-alien-abduction survivors? Wouldn’t they just be alien abduction survivors? Never mind. Don’t answer that. We’ll never get to the bottom. It’s like there is no end to this.”

  “He’s just another one of those nut jobs. I run into them all the time.” Horowitz said. “At their worst they steal or destroy artifacts in the course of their whacked-out searches for ‘the truth.’ But they’re harmless. He’s not a threat.”

  I thought perhaps Horowitz was right. Without the duct tape and defiant attitude, Ian was nothing more than a scrawny, buck-toothed young man with a fondness for plaid shirts and tinfoil hats.

  “Johnny, Hamster, please take the rest of the tape off of Ian. Escort him down to the parking garage where I’m sure he parked a rusty old van. We’ll meet you guys up at the penthouse when we’re done,” I said.

  “Ha! See how little you know? My van has barely any rust,” Ian said as the men lifted him from the chair. As he was dragged down the hall, Ian’s ranting continued, “You’re making a mistake by letting the old man deliver that demon. She’s been waiting thousands of years for it!”

  Now that I was free to talk about magic, I took a more firm approach in questioning Horowitz. “All right, professor, now that those guys are out of the room, it’s time to lay it all out for you. You already know that we’re witches. What you don’t know is that someone, or something, has been taking our magic powers. We know it’s directly related to you, or the people you’ve been forced to work for.”

  The professor broke down in tears. “I… I just want to get my daughter back. The other guy, who looked just like me… he was already dead. I think.”

  “Wait a second. You’re saying you had something to do with your clone drowning?” I asked.

  “Clone? One of your magic tricks, I take it?”

  “Yep,” Ezzy said, playing with the drill. “Why’d you kill him?”

  “I didn’t. I found him in the basement vault at the museum. He was me, in every respect. Only he was petrified. The strangest thing I’ve ever seen. For years I’ve avoided the corner room where I found him. I’m convinced there’s a very real and very ancient tomb-guardian spirit attached to a collection of artifacts removed from an Assyrian royal tomb. I’ve heard the legends about how they can turn people to stone. I guess it’s not just a legend, now, is it?”

  “Holy shit! That spirit is exactly who Alice was talking about and who also zapped Barney,” I said.

  “So you just chucked your clone in the river like it was a rock? Pretty coldhearted. And that’s saying a lot, coming from me. ” Ezzy asked.

  “Not immediately. I hatched an idea. Since he looked exactly like me, I thought I might be able to fake my death. I figured I could fool my daughter’s kidnappers into thinking I’d jumped. Thanks to some unsavory mob smugglers I’d met in the past, I was able to get a fake name and passport for my daughter. I figured they’d let her go if I was dead. Then the two of us could get so far away from here they’d never be able to find us. Anyway, I put some old IDs in his pocket, waited until midnight, drove down to the river and rolled him off the bridge. I even threw a few bags of the money they had given me to buy their artifacts. That way they’d for sure think I had given up and jumped in.”

  “The list of artifacts you were supposed to find were all from an ancient temple. Isn’t that right?” Ezzy asked.

  “Yes, a temple for sorcery, demon worship, that sort of thing. It’s possible the cult is being revived. If you are truly witches, they could be drawing away whatever magic powers you have and gathering them for their own use. If that’s the case, you’ll need to separate the sorcerers from the artifacts, most of which are rumored to have magical significance. Like the statue of the demon who can’t be named.”

  “What do you know about them? How do you carry out the transactions?” I asked.

  “I’ve seen them a couple of times, but only briefly. They send me messages, telling me where to leave the items and they, in turn, leave cash. When I make my deliveries, I know I’m being watched. In fact, they’re supposed to pick up the P—err demon statue in a discreet package here tomorrow, at the front desk. My daughter is supposed to be with them and released once they pick up the item. I checked into a room so I could watch the place and hopefully catch a glimpse of my daughter. I have no idea how I’m going to get her away from them. I’m figuring out this crazy plan on the fly here.”

  “We can help you, if you help us. We’ll help you by getting your daughter back. We might not have our magic, but we have the muscle,” I said, freeing him from the chair. “But here’s the deal, you can’t deliver that last statue. Who knows what power they’ll have when they’ve completed their collection? So, you need to place a substitute statue at the front desk. Hopefully, they’ll still show up anticipating that you may have left it before your so-called tragic demise.”

  “I already left a package at the front desk. It contains a perfect plaster replica I made. I figured I needed to have some sort of insurance. You know, in case my daughter isn’t released.”

  Ezzy crossed her arms and tapped her foot. “I still don’t get it, Horowitz. If you were so close to completing their collection, why wouldn’t you follow through and count on them to free your daughter?”

  “Do you really think they’d leave us alone after this? My fear has always been that they’ll blackmail me into staying in this abhorrent black marketing of precious archaeological treasures. When I found my petrified look-a-like, it seemed like an opportunity to escape them. Why not fake my death, and what better way to do it? I just don’t trust these people. Would you? They’re kidnappers, for God’s sake.”

  “Hmm.” Ezzy didn’t seem convinced. “I’ll buy it, for now. But I do think your idea was stupid and made things much more complicated. They may hear about the drowning and not even decide to show up. Did you consider that scenario?”

  “I did. Before I dumped the body, I texted the message that the package was being delivered by courier and would arrive as scheduled on Saturday. Of course, they don’t know there really isn’t a courier and the fake statue is already at the front desk. They’ll have to assume it was already in transit before I drowned. I know they’ll show up. I just hope they still release my daughter.”

  “Do you have a picture of her?”

  The professor carefully removed a faded picture from his wallet. “I have this high school senior picture here with me. It’s been in my wallet for three years, but she hasn’t changed much.”

  “It’s pretty worn out. I can’t really tell what she looks like,” I said, looking at the photograph of a girl with shoulder length dark hair. The details of her face were rubbed away, leavin
g streaks of white across the image. “You’ll have to point her out to us.”

  Ezzy shook her finger at him like it was her wand. “Here’s the deal, professor. You stay in this room until we figure out a plan. Don’t leave the room for any reason. Order room service, and if you need anything, call the penthouse suite. Someone will be there.”

  “You’d better be quick with your plan. The scheduled pick-up time is six o’clock in the morning.”

  “Six? Ugh!” Ezzy complained.

  “Keep the demon statue safe in your suitcase,” I said as we left the room.

  Stepping into the elevator, I thought of the statue. “Do you think it would’ve been better if we hung onto that demon statue?”

  “Are you kidding? Hecate, or Alice or whatever she calls herself, would have a nuclear meltdown. She’d destroy it.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Hot Tub Honeys

  Upon returning to the penthouse, Ezzy and I recounted the entire interrogation before briefing our magical misfits on the basics of our plan.

  My first question was for Alice. “Based on what you’ve heard so far, what do you think needs to be done to restore our magic?”

  “It’s very interesting to find out there are people in the world who still think consolidating so much power in the hands of a demonic cult is a good thing. To answer your question, I think it’s right to assume magic will be restored once these items are out of the cult’s possession. The next logical question is, where are they being kept?”

  Randy replied, “We won’t know until we get our hands on the kidnapping art thieves. I say we all hang out in the hotel lobby tomorrow morning. Keep Horowitz out of sight, just enough so he can point out his daughter. Then, when those creeps pick up the package we all rush them.”

  I had to admire my brother’s quick mind—not that I’d ever admit it out loud. “Sounds good. I’m sure Ezzy would be more than happy to threaten them with her new toy, the cordless drill,” I said.

  Hamster gave me a quick peck on the cheek and bid me farewell. “Johnny and I are going to head out now. We’ll be back here early. Whatever happens in the morning, it has to be over quickly. I have to haul a bunch of flowers to the church for the wedding.”

  I called Horowitz and told him of our very simple plan. It was finally time to relax before turning in for the night.

  Gabe took my hand as we walked up the three steps to the lounge. We found a cozy place to sit, a dark cushioned sofa which curved in a horseshoe shape around a small table. Ezzy mixed martinis behind the bar and sent George Cloney to deliver them. She followed behind carrying her own martini.

  “Hello, kids. Gabe, I need to steal your lover’s attention for a few minutes. Let’s talk, Kel. The real reason I’ve been waiting so long to give Barney a human body is because I couldn’t decide. I don’t know if anyone can imagine how hard it is to pick the perfect body for someone you want to be both your companion and lover. I certainly didn’t think it would be so difficult. To be honest, I’ve been relieved to have an excuse for not transforming him into human form. It’s been the silver lining in this whole rotten deal with our magic.”

  “But now that we might possibly get our magic back, you need to make a choice. I assume you want me to help you pick a body for Barney?”

  “No, I just want to know your opinion about one. I’ve always admired a well-sculpted male, but not overly stocky with huge bulging muscles. No offense, Gabe.”

  “Quite all right,” Gabe chuckled.

  “Anyway, I like them nicely defined and with the face of a Greek or Roman god. I’ve made up my mind. I like Apollo. I picked this up in the lobby today.” She handed me a glossy brochure. “That is an excellent sculpture of Apollo. What do you think?”

  I held up the brochure to catch the light better. The man’s body was certainly sexy, especially his chest and abdomen. His face was very attractive. There was one problem: One of his arms was broken off.

  “He’s missing an arm. I don’t think Barney would accept that. Not to mention the tiny fig leaf. It’s barely big enough to conceal a walnut. There must be barely anything under there. You know how he feels about size. And in this case, I would agree.”

  “Forget the arm and the fig leaf. Other than those issues, what’s your honest opinion?”

  “He’s perfect.”

  “Good. Because that brochure is from the restaurant across the street. The statue is the centerpiece of a fountain in the back courtyard so it would be very easy to obtain. Don’t say anything yet, I have to figure out some of the details before I talk to Barney.”

  My attention was drawn to the cheers and laughter arising from the end of the bar. Barney was dealing cards out to Randy, Brad, and Gertie. They appeared to be having a lot of fun.

  Ezzy nodded in their direction. “You’d think they’d know better than to play cards with an imp. Like all imps, Barney cheats at cards, and he is mischievous. Very, very mischievous.”

  Noting Ezzy’s emphasis, I asked. “What do you mean?”

  “When I was over there, I saw Barney spiking their drinks with a few drops of witches’ brew.”

  “Oh boy,” I sighed.

  Barney noticed our attention and waved. Picking up a remote control, he pointed it in our direction. Behind us in the hot tub area of the sunken living room, the lights dimmed and soft music began to play. Bubbling to life, the hot tub was quite inviting.

  “Too bad we didn’t think to bring swimsuits,” I said.

  “That’s not stopping Barney.” Gabe pointed to the frog leaping from the bar.

  Barney bounced over the furniture, rolled in a midair somersault and finished his performance with a cannonball dive. Water splashed in all directions, even spraying us. But more disturbing were Barney’s screams. He flew out of the water almost immediately.

  “Vulcan’s balls! It’s boiling! Who’s the sick witch that turned the pool into a caldron?”

  “Come here, Barney,” Ezzy called. He complied, hopping upon her lap. “Barney, you like Greek gods and mythology, right? How about I put on a little play called ‘Apollo Is Seduced by Daphne’?”

  “Okay, but I think the myth is the other way around.”

  “Shush. It’s my play, I’ll do it the way I want. Randy 2.0, I mean George Cloney, get a white bed sheet and wear it as a toga. Come to my room when you’re ready.”

  “Yes, mistress Ezzy,” the clone replied, walking off to find a sheet.

  “Come on, Barney, let’s leave these two lovebirds alone. Ciao,” Ezzy said with a wink, and carried Barney away to her room.

  “Like I said before, your friends are definitely unique,” Gabe said. “If you’ve noticed, Alice and my clone are missing. I guess clone services are in high demand by witches.”

  “Not for this witch. You are in demand,” I said, standing up. I pulled him by the hand. “Come on, baby. Love is in the air.”

  Gabe and I made love once again, but this time without the feverish urgency we’d been overcome by earlier. As we touched, caressed, and kissed, all I could think of was how good it felt to feel so loved.

  At some point, late in the night, I heard the same laughter that we’d heard from the bar earlier. The giggling was punctuated by “Woohoo!” and “Yeah!” I got out of bed and quietly opened the door just a crack.

  “Oh my,” I whispered when I saw where the sound was coming from. Gertie and Brad were seated next to each other in the hot tub, laughing. Randy, standing at the edge, threw off his bathrobe and seated himself on the opposite side, naked as a jaybird. Apparently the witches’ brew was still hitting them hard.

  “What’s wrong, Kel?” Gabe asked.

  Carefully shutting the door, I replied, “You know how the sound of distant thunder getting louder as a storm gets closer makes you feel?”

  “Yeah, a little nervous because you know a bad storm is growing, but it’s too soon to know if it’s going to hit or miss?”

  “Yep. Like maybe I should worry, or maybe I’m wor
ried for no good reason.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Game Time

  “Rise and shine, slackers!”

  “Ezzy? Queen of the night? Ruler of the snooze button? Why?” I whined.

  “Because this could be the day we get our magic back. We have one hour to get down to the lobby.”

  I stumbled out of my room just as Randy padded out of his. “Well, if it isn’t one of the hot tub honeys,” I teased.

  “Oh please. A woman with your degenerate and debauched track record has no right to speak on these matters. Besides, nothing really happened. Just some playful talk.”

  “Some show and tell, eh?” I continued giving my brother a hard time.

  “Be gone, demoness,” he said, making his way to the espresso machine at the bar.

  I knocked on Gertie’s door. After waiting for an answer, I opened the door. Brad slept with both of his arms wrapped around Gertie. She was curled up like a sleeping cat, burrowed in next to him and snoring softly. It was almost a purring sound. I honestly hated to wake the sweethearts up.

  “Good morning!” I shouted.

  “Only good dragons get peppers. Who’s a good dragon?” she mumbled.

  “Time to wake up!” I yelled, louder.

  “Where’s my dragon?” Gertie said, blinking her big green eyes at me.

  “Out here, getting ready to get our magic back. Are you awake?”

  “I am now,” she said.

  Eventually we pulled ourselves together, and we arrived in the lobby a half hour ahead of the kidnappers’ scheduled time. Hamster Dick and Johnny Nipples had been there for an hour and reported they hadn’t seen anyone speak to the front desk clerk. I placed Horowitz behind a tall plant, making sure he knew to stay out of sight until we’d tackled our subjects. Crouching down with him, I hoped to keep him calm.

  With everyone spread out, looking as normal as our pack of oddballs could, we waited. A large clock on the wall behind the desk ticked the minutes away until it was finally six o’clock.