Vladimir

by Kat Mizera

  It was the right thing to do, she told herself firmly. Then she repeated it over and over, hoping maybe it would sink in enough for her to believe it.

  With each passing day, Vlad watched Rachel war with herself on whatever inner battle she was waging. Whether or not she wanted him to stay, whether or not she wanted to adopt children… He didn’t know and she wasn’t telling him. They talked about almost everything else, from the details of his discoveries in Russia to what he wanted to do when he couldn’t play hockey anymore to the lives of their friends. It was so much like the way it had been before their wedding, he cursed himself for screwing everything up. He wanted to drag her down to the courthouse and marry her today, to ensure he never did anything stupid again, but she wasn’t ready and if he was honest with himself, neither was he.

  They still had a lot of feelings to sort through and she’d changed the subject when he’d suggested seeing a couples’ therapist in the off-season. As if she were positive they wouldn’t be together then. He had a sneaking suspicion she was still trying to decide if they could try again, but she didn’t express any of her doubts aloud and he was trying to be as patient and supportive as possible.

  Ashleigh was coming over tonight to have dinner and hang out, so Vanessa had put a whole chicken with sweet potatoes and cardamom in the oven for them. There were fresh strawberries and cream for dessert, and Rachel had thrown together a salad. Vlad opened a bottle of wine just before Ashleigh arrived and they’d just taken the first sips when they heard her voice in the foyer. Ashleigh had a key so she rarely knocked, and they called out to her.

  “Hey.” She sank into the nearest chair and put her feet up. She was almost five months pregnant now and though the baby occupied a tiny mound on her stomach, she’d been complaining about the extra weight because she wasn’t used to it.

  “How was your day?” Rachel asked, sitting next to her.

  “Exhausting.” Ashleigh leaned her head back and closed her eyes. “The baby’s so active. It’s the weirdest feeling to have something moving inside of you—you want to feel it?” The moment she said the words her eyes popped open guiltily. “Oh, geez, Rach, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” Rachel said the words but she’d gotten pale, her hands frozen on her lap.

  “How’s Brock doing being away from you so much?” Vlad interjected, trying to change the subject.

  “We’re both pretty miserable,” Ashleigh admitted. “We knew it would be hard to be apart, but he misses almost all my doctor’s appointments, the ultrasounds, everything. I haven’t even found out the sex yet because I want to do it when we can find out together.”

  “Have you thought about cutting back on your hours on Vampire?” Rachel asked quietly.

  “I can’t until you’re back,” Ashleigh said softly. “Writing your character off the show for all these weeks has meant my part is twice is important and I’m in almost every scene now.”

  “I’m sorry,” Rachel whispered.

  “I’m not complaining, but there’s no way I can cut back until you’re back.”

  “I may not be back,” Rachel responded.

  “What?” Ashleigh and Vlad both stared at her in shock.

  “I’ve been thinking maybe I want to do something else for a while,” she said. “The weeks we’re on set seven days is a lot, and if nothing else, this cancer stuff has shown me that life’s too short to work all the time.” She looked away, as though she couldn’t bear to see the confusion on their faces.

  “What else would you do?” Vlad asked after a moment.

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Maybe write a book or go back to school… I have a little money put away, but if I sold my house I could live for a couple of years without doing much of anything.”

  Ashleigh’s mouth fell open, but Vlad gave her the tiniest shake of his head and she closed it again. “I don’t think you should sell your house,” she said slowly, “but renting it out might not be a bad idea until you decide for sure what you want to do.”

  “I don’t know.” Rachel got up and went into the kitchen, leaving Vlad and Ashleigh staring at each other.

  “What the fuck?” he whispered under his breath.

  “I have no idea,” she whispered back. “What do we do?”

  “I’ll talk to her tonight.”

  They didn’t talk that night, though, because Rachel fell asleep as soon as they went to bed. In the morning, she was back to her normal, cheerful self and Vlad didn’t want to burst their bubble of happiness. This was their last full day together because he had to leave sometime tomorrow to be at practice the following day. He’d hinted she should come with him, but she’d demurred, claiming she was happier in her own house and bed, in close proximity to her own doctors even though she was healing well.

  “Are you hungry?” she asked, lifting her cheek for a kiss.

  “Is this a trick question?” he joked, joining her at the kitchen counter.

  She ran a hand along his flat stomach and shook her head. “I still don’t understand how you do it. You eat all the time but you’re all muscle.”

  “Lots of protein, limited carbs, and low sugar,” he said. “Though you know I don’t deprive myself of anything.”

  “It’s been nice not worrying about my body these last few weeks,” she said, pulling eggs out of the refrigerator. “But I’ll probably have to start thinking about it again soon.”

  “I thought you were thinking of not going back to work?” he asked carefully.

  “I was in a mood last night,” she admitted. “I can’t leave my job. I mean, I love working on Vampire, and I have a contract. I can’t leave in the middle of a season. I need at least one more year to pay off this house and a few credit cards.”

  “Have you been paying them down?” he asked guiltily, since they’d agreed to stop spending and he’d done nothing but run up more bills lately.

  “Yes. I paid off one and have one more. I haven’t charged anything new.”

  “I’ve been bad,” he admitted. “Between the trip to Russia, the fine from the team, and a four-thousand-dollar dinner Cody made me buy as part of my punishment for missing the beginning of camp, I’m not saving at all.”

  “You’ll get back on track once you’re immersed in hockey,” she said.

  He cocked his head. “You keep saying things that make me wonder what we’re doing.”

  “What do you mean?” She busied herself at the stove.

  “Rachel.” He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her, forcing her to look at him. “Tell me where we stand.”

  “Nothing’s changed,” she said quietly, her blue eyes raising to meet his. “I told you we weren’t getting back together. You showed up and practically moved in, and I have to admit it was nice having you here with me, helping me get past the worst of the recovery. But now I’m better and you have to get back to Vegas. We both have to move on and you know it.”

  “I don’t know any such thing.” He wanted to shake her, but instead folded his arms across his chest. “Hasn’t it been good between us? Aren’t you happy?”

  “I am, but I was happy before, too. Then you ripped my heart out and stomped on it in front of four hundred people. I don’t know I’ll ever get past that and trust you the way I should.”

  “So we’re back to the wedding again?” He momentarily looked away. “I did a fucked-up thing, but I don’t believe that’s what this is. I think this is about you convincing yourself I’ll want a baby in a few years. I saw your face when Ashleigh asked if you wanted to feel the baby move.”

  Rachel turned away. “It doesn’t matter what it’s about, does it? I’m telling you to go.”

  “I’ve offered to go to counseling to talk about what I did, and you change the subject every time. You’re pushing me away because you feel broken and I don’t know how to convince you you’re not.”

  Without warning, she slammed the spatula on the counter and whirled to face him. “Listen to me and listen good. What w
e have now is good, but I don’t think it’s enough. The white picket fence and the happy little family dream is gone. Because of your past, you’ll always want it and, to be honest, I don’t anymore. I did, but now that I can’t have my own kids, I don’t. I don’t want other people’s kids, even if you do. I’m sorry if that makes me a bitch, but that’s how I feel, and you can’t tell me how I feel is wrong.”

  “No, of course not, but—”

  “Stop trying to convince me, to change me. That’s not how a relationship is supposed to work. I’m heartbroken and sad and tired. Nothing in my life is the same and nothing you say will fix it. Because I love you, I want you to be happy, so I’m letting you go. Find someone who can give you that family you’ve always wanted. It’s not me, Vlad. Not now, not ever.” She turned off the stove and stalked out of the room.

  Frustration shot through him and he followed her, grabbing her by the arm as gently as possible. “Please stop. Please talk to me.”

  “There’s nothing left to say. I think you should leave today.”

  “Rachel, you’re a broken record with this bullshit,” he growled. “I know you’re overwhelmed, but why would you make such rash decisions less than a month after surgery? You know everything is still raw.”

  “Because I love you enough not to be selfish,” she shot back. “Do you love me enough to do the same?”

  Vlad was startled into silence.

  “Do you?” she challenged, her eyes flashing. “Do you love me enough to let me go now instead of later, when you realize you want something I don’t want and break my heart all over again?”

  “That’s not fair,” he whispered, shocked and hurt by her words.

  “No, it’s the only thing that’s fair. I need you to go now, to love me enough to spare us a greater pain a few years down the road.”

  For long seconds they stared each other down. Finally, it was Vlad who backed away, his jaw set angrily. “That’s what you think? You truly believe I’m going to wake up one day and leave you?”

  “I don’t know what I want anymore,” she hissed, “but it’s not what we originally planned. I know that for sure. I also know how desperately you want a family and that’s not going to happen.”

  “If you believe I’ll change my mind, why don’t you think there’s a chance you’ll change yours?”

  “I’ve thought about adoption a lot, and I don’t want to,” she said simply. “That’s what it boils down to.”

  “Since when?” he demanded. “You’ve encouraged Ashleigh since she first mentioned adopting Bella.”

  “That was for her. It’s not for me.”

  “I don’t know what’s going on in your head,” he muttered, “but if your intention is to hurt me the way I hurt you, it’s not working. I know you’re lying.”

  She blew out a breath. “I want you to take your things and go. Today.”

  “What if I don’t?”

  “I’ll call the cops.”

  “Do it.” He didn’t blink as he stared at her.

  “Come on, don’t be a dick. I’m asking you to leave. Why is that so hard? Go home, leave me alone. Jesus fucking Christ, why won’t you listen to me? I just want to mourn the loss of my future in peace. Can’t you please do that for me? Please?”

  He was so angry and frustrated, he turned on his heel and headed for the guest room to pack. If he listened to her any longer, he might say things he shouldn’t, and he was already on shaky ground with her.

  30

  Vlad sulked the following day, unsure how things with Rachel had spiraled out of control. He wanted to turn her over his knee and spank her like a child, but instead he’d thrown his shit in his bag and stormed out of the house. He’d done a hundred miles an hour out on the open road once he got past the Los Angeles city limits and was home in less than three hours. Then he paced, cursed, and finally got shitfaced before passing out.

  He woke to the sound of his alarm and stomped into the bathroom, more frustrated now than he’d been in Russia. Nine days off, practically ruining his hockey career for her, and he’d made no headway at all with her. He didn’t believe her story about not wanting to adopt kids; she was still trying to protect him. He only wished her reasons were easier to figure out. This was no longer about what he’d done the day of their wedding or even her inability to have kids. His gut told him Rachel was so angry about what fate had thrown at her, she wasn’t even willing to let the man who loved her get her through it.

  He wanted to be there, even if she yelled, stomped, and cried, but walking away from hockey for a woman who was deliberately sabotaging what they had wouldn’t be prudent. Especially since he’d done something similar on their wedding day and had learned first-hand how impactful the repercussions could be. Unfortunately, she wasn’t listening, and his immediate focus had to be on getting his legs back under him.

  He hadn’t been on skates in ten days and that was far too many in the middle of hockey season. He’d ran, swam, and done as many crunches, sit-ups, and pull-ups as he could manage every day, but it wasn’t the same as skating. As much as he loved her, he’d seen the angry, bitter side of her and realized she needed space. She was the one with demons now, and though he’d drop everything and go to her if she reached out, for now he had to work on his own needs. He’d put his own disappointment aside to be there for her, but that wasn’t feasible anymore.

  Grabbing his bag, he headed out so to get to the arena early. He desperately wanted to see his teammates and enjoy the camaraderie and friendship they shared. Being immersed in his past and then Rachel’s illness was sucking the life out of him. In a perfect world, it wouldn’t have been his first choice, but in his world, he needed a little break. Maybe she did, too.

  He walked into the locker room and was happy to see a few of the guys already there. They welcomed him back with friendly greetings, asking about his injured ankle and how Rachel was. He kept the conversation focused on hockey and was relieved when Brock came in.

  “Hey.” Brock started changing into his gear. “Good to have you back.”

  “It’s good to be back.” As much as it hurt to have left Rachel, Vlad was almost surprised at how much he’d missed hockey.

  “You talked to Rachel?” he asked under his breath.

  “Not since I left, no.” Vlad pretended to search for something in his bag to avoid eye contact.

  “Ash said she’s being really weird.”

  “No shit,” Vlad muttered in response.

  “All this and you’re not back together?”

  “Not my fault this time. Everything was great and then she started some bullshit about not being interested in adopting.”

  “Huh?” Brock looked as confused as Vlad felt.

  “Yup. She said if she couldn’t have her own kids, she didn’t want to raise someone else’s, and since she knows I want a family, we should be done now instead of later.” He threw up his hands. “I don’t know what she wants or how to help her. For now, I’m giving her space. I love her but the constant pushing me away is exhausting. Maybe we both need a little time.”

  “Sounds reasonable.” Brock put a hand on his shoulder. “Just don’t give up. She’s going through a lot, you know?”

  “I do know. But I have to do what’s right for me while she’s getting her head on straight. If she calls, I’ll be there in a heartbeat. If not, well, I guess we just have to see. She was kind of…mean? Like she was trying really hard to push me away. I can see through it, but how much do I endure while she’s pushing me away? She waited until our last day together, so I know she did it on purpose, knowing I had to get back to Vegas.”

  “I’m sorry, man.”

  “It is what it is.”

  Most of the team was there by then and Vlad put Rachel out of his mind. He’d call her on his next day off, but for now, he wasn’t going to think about anything but hockey.

  Rachel moped after Vlad left, too, hating herself for hurting him and hoping she’d done what was best. If only she had
n’t broken her own heart in the process. The things she’d said were out of character for her and she was certain he hadn’t believed them, but she’d finally managed to make him mad enough to leave. She hadn’t known how else to handle it because she’d fallen back in love with him so hard it was difficult to think straight when they were together. It was that easy to love him.

  Her phone rang, and Ashleigh’s name flashed on the screen. She’d been avoiding her, too, yet something else that made her feel like shit, and as she boarded her flight to Arizona, she sent her a quick text instead of answering.

  I’m on a plane, getting ready to take off. Going off-grid for a week at a spa, need to get myself together. Don’t worry, I’m taking care of myself and I’ll text once a day. Sorry I’ve been a bitch, I’ll talk to you when I get back. Love you.

  She turned off her phone and closed her eyes. The next thing she knew they’d touched down and she was walking out the gate towards the waiting car service. It took an hour to get to the spa and she was immediately checked in.

  When she was finally able to lay down and rest, her feelings for Vlad were the only thing on her mind. The hurt in his eyes as she’d threatened to call the cops. What a horrid thing to do, she thought miserably. She’d tried to make excuses to herself, but she’d been rotten to him solely to make him leave and go back to hockey. He’d hurt her on their wedding day, but he’d been willing to give up everything to make it up to her and that wasn’t an option. No matter how much she loved him. He was important enough to her to let him go back to what he loved, which was hockey. At least that part of her tirade had been honest.