Vladimir

by Kat Mizera

  Coward. The word made her cringe as it settled in her gut as though it were a real thing. She was so busy feeling sorry for herself, she’d let her fears about the changes in her life cost her the man she loved, her soulmate.

  She fell into a restless sleep, waking when her alarm went off for dinner. She didn’t feel social tonight, so she requested it be delivered to her room and turned on the TV. Were the Sidewinders playing tonight? She flipped around until she found the game, grateful it was televised. And there he was. Her heart beat a little faster watching him on the ice. Hockey was truly his calling, what he was born to do. She’d always loved watching him play, but it was particularly poignant now, knowing he wasn’t hers anymore. This hurt more than when he’d left her at the altar; willingly giving him up had been spectacularly stupid.

  When he scored the first goal, she jolted up in bed, pumping her fist in excitement and then wincing at the pain in her abdomen. She was okay, though. The doctor had said as long as she didn’t overdo it, she could start walking and light yoga, so she wasn’t worried about the occasional twinges. Besides, watching Vlad was fun and made her feel closer to him. She was torturing herself by doing so, but he was worth it.

  She sent a spontaneous text to Ashleigh: Was that a beautiful goal or what?

  You’re watching?

  Of course. They’ll always be my team, especially with Brock there.

  Holy shit, he just scored again!

  What?

  Rachel turned to the TV in time to see him one-time the goal right through the goalie’s legs and a smile spread across her face. He was out there showing them how important he was to them and nothing made her prouder. Even though the way she’d sent him away filled her with shame. Even though she ached for him now more than ever.

  His third goal brought on tears and she let them fall unchecked as she watched the team pile on top of him in celebration. He’d scored a hat trick the first time she’d attended a game after they’d started dating and the memories came flooding back.

  Damn, girl, what’d you do to him? He’s on fire!

  Rachel stared at her phone and smiled through her tears. At least he was okay. Her heart was gutted, but he was kicking ass and taking names on the ice, which made her happy.

  Vlad scored three goals his first game back with the team and four the following night. It was nuts, and his teammates and coaches all joked he should get injured more often. Coach Barnett was quieter than the others, eyeing his current star player worriedly, but Vlad assured him he was fine. After how supportive he’d been, there was no way Vlad would let his coach know anything other than he and Rachel were taking things one day at a time. She was doing better physically, and he tried to tell himself that was all that mattered.

  Coming back from a quick trip to Dallas, he got off the plane feeling a little less excited than he’d been on the road. Playing well kept him distracted but going home to his lonely apartment would most likely bring everything going on crashing down around him and he didn’t have time for that. He tried to tell himself hockey was more important than anything else, but neither his heart nor his brain was having it.

  He was so lost in thought, at first he didn’t notice Toli fall into step beside him when they got off the plane and headed towards their vehicles.

  “What’s up?” he asked, eventually looking up at him.

  “Why don’t you come over to the house?” he asked quietly.

  “Now?” Vlad frowned. “What’s going on?”

  “I have to show you something, and I think it’s better to do it in private.”

  “What is it?”

  “Just come over, okay?”

  “Sure.” Vlad followed him home and into the house. It was late and Tessa and the children were asleep, so Vlad followed him quietly. Toli went right to the kitchen counter and picked up a FedEx envelope, holding it out to Vlad.

  “I apologize for being sneaky about this, but I wanted answers, too.”

  “About what?” Vlad was confused.

  “As we discussed, my father could have simply denied everything and gone about his business. Instead, he went off on me, which can only mean he’s hiding something he wants me to know.”

  “I still don’t understand.”

  “I stole your toothbrush.”

  Vlad cocked his head. “That’s where it went? I couldn’t figure out what the fuck happened to it and I had to ask the hotel for a disposable one. What the fuck?”

  “I needed it to do a DNA test.”

  “A DNA test?”

  Toli snatched the package out of his hand, ripped it open and pulled out the papers.

  “What is that? What’s going on, Toli?”

  Toli glanced down and started to read. Then he just shook his head, handed Vlad the papers and sank onto the nearest barstool. “Wow,” was all he said. “I thought I’d be wrong, but I guess not.”

  “What does…?” Vlad’s voice faded, and he frowned as he tried to decipher the results of a test he didn’t understand.

  “I sent a sample of my own DNA along with yours.”

  “This says familial match. What does that mean?”

  “It means we’re brothers. Half-brothers, to be specific.”

  “Brothers.” Vlad repeated the word but couldn’t seem to comprehend the meaning.

  “My father is your father, Vlad. My father is the married man your mother had an affair with.”

  “Oh my God.” Vlad sank onto the stool next to Toli’s and his breath left him in a rush.

  “Holy shit.”

  They were quiet for a long time, each lost in thought as they tried to sort through myriad emotions.

  “I’m sorry,” Vlad said after a moment.

  “You’re sorry?” Toli stared at him in surprise. “For what? You didn’t do anything. This was my father’s doing, not yours. If anyone should be apologizing it’s me, for living a great life while you grew up in hell.”

  “This isn’t on us,” Vlad said quietly. “You and I had nothing to do with what they did.”

  “What are you thinking?” Toli was eyeing him.

  “Nothing,” the younger man admitted. “I’m blank. I can’t even…” He took a breath. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I need to go. I need time to process all of this. I’m not upset with you, I just need to be alone.”

  “You know this isn’t something you can tell anyone, yes?”

  Vlad met his gaze. “Other than you, I don’t have anyone to tell.”

  “Vlad, you sure you don’t want to stay? You can crash in the guest room and we can sit and talk…”

  “Not tonight.” Vlad put a hand on his shoulder. “Really. I want to be alone, think about things.”

  “You’ll call if you need anything?”

  “Of course.” Vlad nodded and hurriedly pulled out his keys, making a hasty exit. This wasn’t what he’d been expecting at all. He hadn’t given much thought to the idea his father might be someone he knew, but he’d met and spent time with Anatoly. He had a close, intimate relationship with his father’s son, his half-brother, and it was overwhelming. With far too much information to process, all he wanted was to be alone.

  31

  One of the many things offered at the spa was therapy sessions with a psychologist. Dealing with anything from anorexia to drug and alcohol abuse to divorce, the spa offered private, confidential sessions and Rachel decided it might be a good idea. She certainly wasn’t coming up with the answers to anything on her own, and she had nothing to lose at this point.

  “Hi, Rachel. I’m Ginnie.” The therapist was probably in her mid-thirties, an attractive brunette with a friendly smile and firm handshake.

  “Nice to meet you.” Rachel settled into a chair overlooking the lake and met the other woman’s gaze. “I probably need to tell you why I’m here.”

  “Well, I can probably guess.” Ginnie cocked her head. “We have patient confidentiality, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a huge fan of Vampire Legend or that I
don’t read the tabloids.”

  Rachel made a face. “Actually, my non-wedding is the least of what I want to talk about today.”

  “Okay. What can I help you with?”

  Rachel started with her and Vlad’s wedding day and told her everything that had happened between then and now. Ginnie didn’t say anything as she told her story, merely nodding occasionally and taking a few notes on the pad on her lap. When Rachel finally finished speaking, they were both quiet for a moment.

  “I think there’s a lot going on here,” Ginnie said softly. “Probably more than I can deal with in one session, but the big question that comes to mind is this: If you take cancer out of the equation, would you and Vlad be back together now?”

  Rachel frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, if your surgery had been… Let’s say an emergency appendectomy or gallbladder removal, but everything else was the same, would you have forgiven Vlad by now?”

  Rachel flushed, dipping her head before managing a tiny nod. “Yes, probably. I think so.”

  “So this isn’t about him anymore, or your non-wedding. This is about you. Cancer. Not being able to have children. Feeling like less of a woman since they took out the baby-making parts.”

  Rachel sighed miserably. “Yeah, maybe. I guess so.”

  “What would do you the most good right now? My most professional, well-thought-out, uplifting therapist speech or my most professional tough love with a touch of inner bitch advice?”

  Rachel’s head snapped up in surprise and then she chuckled, warming to this engaging woman, even if she was more unconventional than Rachel had been expecting. “You know, everyone has been walking on eggshells around me and, frankly, maybe a little inner bitch would do me good.”

  “Well, before you report me to spa management, please note for the record you asked for this.”

  Rachel snickered. “Your job is safe with me.”

  “Honey, do you have any idea how lucky you are?” Ginnie cocked her head, her eyes gleaming. “You’re beautiful, successful, and, just by virtue of what you do and being here at this spa, rich. You have a job most people would kill for, looks women hate you for, and the money to do almost anything you want. Yes, you had a horrible, scary brush with cancer, but even then, you were lucky as hell. You want to talk to the women who didn’t find their cancer until stage four? When all they could do was suck it up and endure chemotherapy just to add a few more miserable months to their lives?

  “Don’t get me started on the baby situation,” she continued, scowling. “You had the time and money to harvest your eggs before the surgery, and with today’s medical advances, there’s probably a seventy-percent or better chance of pregnancy. Surrogates are everywhere if you have the money, and you most definitely do. You have this great guy who admittedly made a mistake, but he’s bent over backwards to make it up to you, and you’re determined to make him continue to pay. Except you’re not making him pay for what he did, you’re making him pay for you having cancer. How is that fair?”

  Guilt, shame, and myriad other emotions left Rachel feeling miserably out of sorts, embarrassed and a bit nauseated as well.

  “Too much?” Ginnie asked after a moment, producing a bottle of water from a small refrigerator and handing it to her.

  “No.” Rachel’s voice was a whisper, but she held her head high. “No, you’re right. I’m very lucky, in almost every way. My life, my looks, even the cancer… If I had to get cancer, Stage I uterine has a pretty low mortality rate.”

  “Then talk to me about your abrupt change of heart about adoption.”

  “There was no true change of heart. I was upset, frustrated, and lashing out at the person who, in my damaged heart, deserved it.”

  “Meaning you’re okay with adopting a child.”

  “Yes, of course. I was being petty. God, I’m such a bitch.”

  “No, you’re highly emotional right now, and rightfully so. After all you’ve been through, I’m fairly certain Vlad will understand as soon as you talk to him.”

  “I wouldn’t blame him for writing me off after the way I spoke to him.”

  “I can’t say for sure, but it doesn’t sound like the man you’ve been telling me about today would hold a grudge.”

  “No, he’s pretty wonderful. Except for that whole wedding thing.” Rachel managed a sad smile.

  “Which leads us to why you’ve kept your frozen eggs a secret.”

  “If there was any chance at all for us to get back together, it had to be under the premise that I couldn’t give him a biological child. Otherwise, I’d always wonder.”

  “Sometimes you just have to put your faith in someone. Especially the someone you say is your soulmate, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.”

  “Must you be so logical?”

  Ginnie laughed. “That’s some of what you’re paying me for.”

  “Although I handled everything badly, I can’t say it was all a lie, though. I am genuinely concerned about all the things I’ve told you about. That the eggs won’t be viable and we won’t have a biological child after all. That he wants a big, traditional family and now I’m kind of scared and unsure about what I want. I mean, I’m not against adopting, but I’m not sure I’m ready, either. I’m still confused and sad.”

  “Of course you are. I wasn’t minimizing the impact of losing your ability to have children. You just have it so much better than someone without your privilege. Most people couldn’t have had their eggs harvested immediately like you did, even if they could afford it, which many can’t. By the same token, you still have to mourn what you lost and come to terms with it. The stages of grief are the same, even though no one died. I’m sure in the beginning you were shocked and probably didn’t believe it. Once it became real you focused on harvesting your eggs, which is filled with elements of denial. There were probably all kinds of bargaining going on in your head as you got ready for surgery, things you would or wouldn’t do if only the cancer hadn’t spread…” She paused, looking at Rachel, who nodded before she continued.

  “Once you had the surgery and Vlad came back, you moved to anger, and that’s where you’ve stayed. You’re angry, which is perfectly normal, but eventually you’re going to get past it and you don’t want to leave a trail of ruined relationships in your wake when you do.”

  “What comes after anger?”

  “Depression.”

  “I’m probably already there,” she said softly. “I waffle between anger and depression, but it’s more depression than anything else.”

  “Which is also normal. But you know what comes after depression? Acceptance and hope. I’m a little surprised, because you’ve moved through the stages fairly quickly, and you’re almost ready to come to terms with what’s happened. It’s not going to be that easy, though. You’ll find yourself sliding back into depression and occasionally even anger. You have to be cognizant of it and do something to help you get past it, whether it’s talking to someone like me, or Vlad, or some other distraction. As long as you’re aware when it happens and you accept the normalcy of those kinds of feelings, it’ll get easier as time goes on.”

  “I feel so foolish right now.”

  “Don’t. Everything that’s happened is normal. Maybe not the wedding day fiasco, but everything related to the cancer and your relationship with Vlad in the aftermath of a break-up. Normal. I promise.”

  Rachel smiled. “I’m really glad I came to talk to you today.”

  “I am, too. I’m glad I could be of help.” She paused. “Have I been any help? Most of this stuff you can look up online.”

  “I don’t think I can Google ‘professional tough love with a touch of inner bitch.’”

  “You’d probably be surprised.”

  They laughed together.

  “Our time is about up, but I’m happy to fit you into my schedule as often as you’d like while you’re still here.”

  “I’d like that. I’ll talk to the scheduler
s about seeing you a couple more times.”

  “Excellent. See you soon.”

  Rachel walked out feeling lighter than she had since the wedding. Part of her yearned to call Vlad and apologize, but it might be too soon. Maybe after her next session. After she’d had a little more time to think about things. She didn’t want to wait too long, though. She and Vlad had a lot to talk about and work through, and the sooner they started, the sooner they could move on with their lives, whether it was together or separately. Hopefully, it would be together.

  After her first session with Ginnie, Rachel took full advantage of being at the spa. She took yoga in the morning, meditated early in the afternoon and met with Ginnie again every day before dinner. She’d begun to feel lighter, as if the weight of the world was lifted from her shoulders one pound at a time. There were things that would simply take time, but by the time she was ready to head to the airport on Sunday, she felt a lot better. She was looking forward to going home and calling Vlad. She didn’t want to call right before she had to get on a plane, so she called Ashleigh instead.

  “Hey! It’s about time.” Ashleigh answered on the first ring.

  “Sorry. It was a wonderful, relaxing week and I pretty much disconnected from everyone and everything.”

  “Was it helpful?”

  “It was.”

  “Um, okay. Cool.”

  “Is everything okay? You sound funny?”

  “No, I’m good, just distracted. Brock and I have a bet, and I don’t think I’m going to win.”

  “Uh oh.” Rachel chuckled. “What kind of bet?”

  “Er, well, never mind, you’re getting on a plane.”

  “I don’t board for another twenty minutes.”

  “It’s baby related and I know you’re not comfortable talking about it so—”

  “No, I was being bitchy. I won’t say it’s not hard, but this is my life, so I’m going to have to get used to seeing pregnant women. Tell me the bet.”

  “He said I couldn’t put the crib together without him.”