Black Tears

by Woods, Karen

  She was on a mission and carried on cleaning until darkness fell. She’d hung all the bedding and curtains on the balcony outside and watched as they swung freely on the piece of rope that was the washing line. She hoped Tom would appreciate her efforts when he returned. All the rubbish was placed in black bags and dragged to the front door. There was one other job left for Tom when he came in and that was to sort the toilet out, and then that would be the house completely cleaned. The bedding and curtains were ready within the hour and once they were dried, she put them back in place. She collapsed onto the settee she felt completely exhausted and needed a rest. Francesca must have nodded off and it wasn’t until she heard the voice of Tom’s girlfriend Jade laughing that she woke up.

  “Fuckin hell, Cinderella has really gone to town on this place. It looks so fucking clean.”

  Francesca lifted her head and met Jade’s eyes as she stood before her. “Fuck me; what drugs have you been on? I’ve tried so many times to clean this place and it never looks any fucking different.”

  Francesca smiled as Tom stood in disbelief looking all around the front room. He seemed stuck for words and walked round the rest of house looking at all the work she’d done. Francesca sat up and Jade came to join her on the settee.

  “Fuckin hell, Tom looks like he’s gonna cry doesn’t he?” Jade laughed as she lit a cig. She’d been right about Tom because when he returned he looked choked up with emotion. He sat in the chair and looked at Francesca with such an amazing look in his eyes.

  “You’ve made this place look mint. I’ve always wanted a nice clean place but things have just got on top of me lately and I’ve let things slip.” Francesca felt a little embarrassed and told him she was glad he liked it. Jade watched them both and noticed how they looked at each other. Jealousy gripped her and she felt sick inside. She took an instant dislike to Francesca knowing she could be a threat to hers relationship with Tom. Jade’s head pumped with sweat as she pulled things from the big shopping bag in front of her. The bag was black and white checked and had two wooden handles to support the weight it was carrying. She placed everything she’d nicked onto the small wooden table. Within minutes, the table was covered with razor blades, packets of bacon, cheese, and several electric toothbrushes. Jade went through them adding up how much they would get off each item in her head and calculated they should earn at least thirty quid from it once they’d sold it. Jade pulled her fat arse up from the chair and told them she was going to the Two Hundred Pub, in Harpurhey to sell her knock off stuff. This was usual for Jade after she had been out grafting. People would wait all day until she came in the pub to grab their bargains at rock bottom prices. As she neared the front door, she shouted to him she would get the gear on the way back but Tom didn’t reply and kept his eyes still focused on Francesca. Once the door was shut Francesca asked Tom what gear he was getting, thinking it might be something for tea as she was starving, but she could tell by his face he felt embarrassed at what he was about to tell her.

  “She means smack. That what she does once she’s sold everything.” She stared at him with sympathetic eyes and began to speak hoping he might listen to what she had to say.

  “Tom, why don’t you try and get off that shit. I know what it’s like being addicted to drugs. I was on sniff before Gordon got put away, and it got a grip of me I can tell ya. Can’t you go to the doctors and get some methadone and wean ya self off it. That’s what a lad done that I know?”

  Tom looked at her and knew she was talking sense, but he knew he would have to be strong to ever free his life from heroin, and at the moment, he was too weak to fight his addiction.

  “I do want to get off the shit, but I’m not fucking ready yet. I need to be ready myself and I don’t think I could get through it on my own.” Francesca felt a warm feeling run through her as he spoke and knew she’d have a challenge on her hands if she were ever to persuade him to get clean.

  “Tom you’re not on your own. I’m here now and I’ll help ya. You’re gonna be an uncle soon. Do ya want the baby to see you like this?” What she had said hit a nerve with Tom and he knew she was right, but for now, he changed the conversation.

  Time passed quickly and they enjoyed getting to know each other until Tom finally said, “what day are we gonna see our kid? Have you booked a visit yet?”

  Francesca had forgotten all about booking the visit and told Tom she would do it the next day. She started to tell Tom about what Gordon had said to her regarding the baby, but stopped dead in mid-conversation as she heard the front door open. They both listened carefully and they could hear Jade returning.

  Jade walked in dripping in sweat, and gave Tom the eyes to follow her into the bedroom. Francesca knew she’d brought drugs back and they were both going for a fix. Filled with disgust she left them to it and shouted to them both that she was going to the chippy. She held her last fiver in her hand and knew food was a priority. She asked Tom and Jade if they wanted anything the chippy from before she left. Jade opened the bedroom door and handed her a tenner.

  “Get me and Tom chips and gravy will ya, and make sure they put loads of salt and vinegar on it.” Francesca could see Tom slapping his arm through the bedroom door getting ready to inject. She quickly hurried away from the door and cringed at the sight of it. As she grabbed her coat, she told them she wouldn’t be long, after all she had nowhere else to go. Her family had disowned her and the one true friend she had was lost due to her own jealousy. She’d always thought that sleeping with Gordon was wrong, and wondered if somehow this was her punishment for the way she had treated Misty. She had been a good friend to Francesca and she knew she’d never meet anyone like Misty again. Sadness twisted inside her as she hit the late night air. She shivered as she left the flats and hurried to the chip shop.

  It was packed as she reached it, and she could tell a few of the young lads who were already in there were pissed. As she watched them, she noticed one lad looking her up and down. He looked around seventeen years of age and he was dressed in a black Nike tracksuit. Francesca laughed as she looked at the group because the dress code was all the same. Black trackie bottoms, black coats, and they all wore their hoods up. This was the dress code for most teenagers these days and she smiled to herself as she moved along the queue.

  Francesca felt the stare of the young lad and turned to face him. As she looked at him, she noticed he was the younger brother of a lad she used to see years ago. Before she could speak, the lad started bouncing round shouting insults at her.

  “Dirty Francesca. I thought I fuckin recognised you. Are you still shagging anything that moves, ya fucking dirty slag?” All his mates laughed and she felt her face burning with embarrassment. He’d caught her off guard and she knew she had to fight back. The other people in the queue all stared at her, waiting to see what was going to happen.

  “Ay, ya little nobhead, shouldn’t you be in bed at this time. Stop showing off in front of ya mates before I tell them about you pissing the bed every fucking night.” Francesca looked at him and could tell he was angry as all his mates laughed, calling him pissy arse. Everyone in the chippy laughed knowing he’d met his match. He now walked out of the chippy holding his chips and curry and shouted more abuse at her.

  “Ay! Everyone listen up. If anyone wants a quick gobble, Francesca is the girl; she sucks two at a time and is up for anything. She’s like a fucking rabbit, and her nicknames sperm bank. So if you want to make a deposit, get a grip of her.” Francesca turned to him and laughed as he left. She had wanted to open fire on him, but at the moment, she was tired and just wanted to get home as quick as she could. One customer loved the way she’d stood up for herself and couldn’t wait to tell her.

  “Tell ya what love; you shut him up big time. I wish I could speak to the cheeky fuckers like that, but I know they would probably hit me or something.” Francesca smiled and told the woman he was a cheeky little twat and too gobby for his own good.

  Francesca was served and left the chi
ppy. As she stepped outside, she scanned the area for the lads but couldn’t see them anywhere. She felt relieved and carried on her journey home, looking forward to her scran. The night was quiet and just a few cars were on the road. She thought it might be quicker to take a short cut through the park and changed her direction to save time. As she walked, she could hear shouting but never gave it a second thought as the area she lived in was well known for gang fights and people arguing. Her steps quickened as she reached the park and it was only then that she saw the gang of lads from earlier.

  Francesca tried to cut through without bringing any attention to herself, but the lad from the chippy spotted her and within seconds was by her side.

  “Think you’re smart do ya? Well have that you dirty twat.” Francesca could feel her face burning as the lad rubbed his chips and curry into her face. His hand was strong and he held it there until he heard her screaming with pain. She’d managed to grip his hand and bit it until the tray was released from his hand. She could hear his friends laughing, as they looked at her face all covered in curry. The cocky teenager still wasn’t satisfied with her humiliation and swung a punch right into the side of her face before he finally ran off. Her heartbeat quickened and she felt like she was going to die and she struggled to get her words out.

  “You little fucker. You daft twat, just wait till I get my hands on you. Ya fucking little wanker.” The lad continued to run, shouting more insults and laughing with his mates. She could feel her face burning and her eye immediately started to swell up. Nobody had come to help her during the attack and even the people who had witnessed it just walked by. That was the trouble these days no one wanted to get involved. The generation of today were ruthless and wouldn’t think twice about attacking anybody, so most people walked on by and kept their distance.

  Francesca found her plastic bag containing her tea. All the gravy had seeped off the trays and floated round in the bottom of the bag. She kept wiping at her face to remove any signs of the curry and prayed her face wouldn’t be scarred from it. The cold air helped cool her face down, but it still felt on fire.

  She felt so helpless and tired and thought that if she didn’t eat soon she felt she would collapse. Seeing the block of flats in front of her was heaven. She seemed to have walked for hours. As she entered the building, she remembered the lift was broken, and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She entered the stairwell but suddenly dropped onto the cold concrete stairs. Her eyes poured out weeks of stored up emotion and once she started, she cried like never before. Francesca had always been such a tough nut, and nothing had ever bothered her, but these last few weeks had been so hard on her and she felt like she was sinking into a black hole with no escape. Every stair she climbed seemed like twenty, and by the time she reached the top floor, she could hardly move. She knocked at the door and within seconds, Jade opened it like a starving animal. As she spoke, her words were slow and her eyes had a strange glassy look about them.

  “Fuckin hell. Where ya been, I’m starving, bet it’s fuckin cold now. What the fuck took ya so long anyway?” Her words made Francesca see red and she opened fire, stopping at nothing.

  “Listen ya lazy bitch. I’ve been ages because some nobhead in the chippy just attacked me. So next time you want something to eat, get off ya fuckin lazy arse and go ya self.” Jade looked at her and her face told her how angry she was, so she just took the food off her and went into the kitchen not wanting to argue any more. Jade wanted to complain about all the gravy floating about in the bag, but after seeing Francesca’s reaction, she kept her mouth shut.

  Francesca walked towards the bathroom and noticed Tom lay on the bed with the syringe still stuck in his arm. He looked as if he was just staring into space and his body was lifeless. She retched at the sight of him and she couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough.

  The cold air in the bathroom made her shake as she threw up into the bath. Nothing was coming up but she still heaved all the same. Looking in the mirror, she could still see traces of the curry still on her skin and began to wash it off with a worn, discoloured face cloth. As she stood up she hoped this wasn’t the start of things to come, she hated being sick. Ever since she’d been a small child, she hated the thought of it. She remembered when her mam used to rub her back and comfort her if she felt poorly but that was such a long time ago. At that moment, Francesca thought about her mother. She’d never missed her or needed her in her life until now. She’d have given her last penny to be at home with her parents and feeling loved once more.

  She made her way into the living room and Jade passed Francesca her food. It was some sort of peace offering and Jade hoped she’d calmed down. Jade shouted Tom several times but he didn’t answer. Francesca looked concerned but Jade told her that he was always like that after a hit and not to worry. Looking at her, Francesca felt sick as she watched her eat her food. Her eyes could barely focus and it seemed to take forever for her to get any food on her fork. Francesca knew if she ever wanted to get Tom free from drugs she would have to get rid of Jade first. She was everything he didn’t need in his life. She was a drug addict and a thief and rumour had it that she would pull a few tricks down Cheetham Hill when she was skint. Cheetham Hill was a popular place for prostitutes and Gordon had once told Francesca he’d seen Jade stood there one night touting for business. Gordon never told his brother about it because he knew he would have been gutted. Her belly hung down as she sat on the edge of the chair and Francesca couldn’t keep her eyes off it. She looked like a big butch lesbian, and her hairstyle didn’t help either. It was kind of a crew cut with a big greasy fringe travelling across her face. Her skin was dirty and round her mouth were big yellow spots. As Francesca looked at her closer, she couldn’t help but think that she had the spots through sucking dirty cock down Cheetham Hill. She was a total wreck and Francesca wondered what Tom saw in her.

  Jade asked Francesca what she was doing for money now Gordon was locked up and she replied that she’d never been so skint in her life. Francesca’s giro wasn’t due for ages yet and she knew she would have to bum money from somewhere just to get her through until pay day. As Francesca watched her, Jade seemed deep in thought and finally she spoke with excitement in her voice.

  “Why don’t ya come out with me? I’ll do the graft, and you can just watch my back.” Francesca just looked at her and laughed before she spoke.

  “What me, shoplifting? Fuck off; I would be shit at it. I’ve never nicked anything in my life. My face would give me away straight away.” Jade smiled and rubbed her hands together thinking of a new business venture.

  “Listen, you don’t do anything. All ya need to do is block the camera when I’m shoving all the gear in my bag. Just lean over me as if you’re getting something and before ya know it I’ll be gone. What do ya think? I think it’s a great idea especially now you’ve got the baby on the way.” Francesca smiled and told her she would think about it and laughed at the thought of her going out shoplifting. Jade looked sad as she continued to speak, and as she moved her fringe from her eye’s Francesca noticed a tear trickle down her face.

  “My two kids are in care. I haven’t seen them for a long time now. It was the drugs ya know. It got a grip of me big time, and my kids suffered because of it. I know they’re better off without me, but I still think about them every fucking day. Their dad was a right cunt and an even a bigger smack head than me. He didn’t give a shit about the kids and fucking leathered me in front of them most nights. That’s when social services got involved and when they saw the state I was in they took the kids straight off me.” Francesca felt her heart breaking as she listened to her. Jade appeared to be so happy go lucky and Francesca didn’t realise all the pain she held inside.

  Jade rolled two cigs from a crumpled packet of tobacco. Her hands shook as she started to roll the first cigarette, and that’s when Francesca noticed how swollen they were.

  “Fucking hell Jade, your hands are like balloons. What’s up with t
hem?” Jade carried on rolling the cigarette and didn’t look up.

  “It’s the drugs love. I’m injecting into my hands now and they’ve become infected. My arms are fucked, my veins have collapsed with the shit I’ve put in them. Sad really isn’t it?” Francesca couldn’t help but pull her face at the sight in front of her and tried to work out why Jade continued using when she was falling apart.

  “Why don’t ya get off the shit then? Look what’s it’s doing to you, you’ve lost ya kids and probably lost all your self-respect haven’t ya?” Her head sunk and you could see she’d heard it all before. Francesca’s words were like water off a duck’s back and Jade changed the subject very quickly.

  “Fucking Rip Van Winkle can’t half sleep can’t he? I better go and see if he’s getting up for summit to eat. Bet his chips are fucking freezing by now but I can shove them in the oven to warm.”

  Francesca watched her as she waddled back to the bedroom. The woman she saw in front of her must have only been in her thirties but the life she’d chosen to lead had aged her to a woman twice her age. Such a crying shame, she thought as she heard her trying to wake Tom. The hours flew by while she sat there and tiredness filled her. Francesca turned off the light and headed for her room, she just hoped she’d be able to sleep. It was always strange the first night she stayed somewhere new, but this was her home now and she’d have to get used to it, whether she liked it or not.