Then there was Ethan.
Not only did I walk away from our friendship, but I knew he’d never be able to see me the same. This was devastating, and the more time I gave myself to think about it, the more confused I became. I needed help and advice, or someone that could help me through this terrible time. The problem was that I didn’t have anyone that I could turn to. It was yet another reminder of what I was lacking in my life.
Since I knew I wouldn’t be going to class in the morning I decided to drive back to the ranch. My grandmother’s mansion had a whole wing that nobody used. Until I could calm down and make important decisions I needed to hide out there.
After the drive that seemed to take forever I pulled through the main entrance to my family’s ranch. Thankfully I didn’t see any sign of either of my parents, or my brother. I wasn’t that fortunate when I stepped inside the house and saw Shalan and my Gram standing at the kitchen counter.
“Christian, what are you doing here?” Gram asked.
“I’m, um…I’m havin’ a tough day. I was hopin’ I could sleep here tonight to clear my head.”
“Is everything alright, love?” I appreciated her concern, but she couldn’t help me.
“I’ll be fine, Gram. I’m just goin’ to head up to one of the rooms and lay down. I’ll see you in the mornin’.”
After making my announcement I walked out of the room, realizing that I hadn’t said anything to my soon-to-be sister-in-law. In the morning I’ll get up the courage to call her and apologize. What I needed was to relax and get my mind on track.
The first thing I did was get into the large soaking tub. I filled it with boiling hot water, hoping it would rid me of the dirty feeling I couldn’t seem to wash off.
When I retreated back to the bedroom and plopped down on the large fluffy bed it felt nice. This wasn’t like being back at college in my room. This was serenity, and exactly the kind of solitude I needed in my current situation. I was safe, loved, and going to get through this, no matter what I had to do.
This wouldn’t break me forever. I wasn’t going to let it.
Chapter 13
Ethan
After searching for Chris, and then calling her repeatedly I felt like she needed time to get over whatever was bothering her. Since it wasn’t like her to fly off the bat like she had, I knew I’d hear from her once she calmed down.
It was difficult to fall asleep knowing she was out there somewhere thinking I was an asshole. Honestly, I didn’t even get why she’d gotten so bent out of shape. We’d had disagreements in the past, and she’d never overreacted like this time.
It was two in the morning when my cell phone started blowing up. I ignored the first few rings on account of being asleep. When it continued I rolled over to see who the caller was. That’s all it took for me know it was important.
“Chris?”
She was sniffling.
“Talk to me. I’ve been tryin’ to call your ass all day. What’s goin’ on with you? If you like Seth that much just tell me.”
She began to sob on the other end of the call. “Trust me it’s not that at all.”
“Then you need to tell me what’s wrong. How am I supposed to be your best friend when you won’t talk to me about it?”
“Do you think I’m weak?” She questioned.
“What?” I scratched my head and checked the time on my alarm clock again. “Woman, what’s gotten into you?”
“I just need to know. Do you think I’m weak? Do I have a sign on my head that tells people to take me for granted? I don’t understand why I can’t be like everyone else.”
“You’re not weak. You’re pretty damn strong if you ask me. I don’t get why you want to be like everyone else when the person you are is perfect. They’re the ones that need to take notice of you.”
“I’m not askin’ for you to flatter me. I need the truth, Ethan. For once can you be serious.”
“I am,” I argued. “Chris, you’re awesome. Any guy would be lucky to be with someone like you.”
“No they wouldn’t.” She cried harder, making it impossible for me to understand the rest of what she was saying. I felt so bad, but didn’t know a way to convince her that I thought she was amazing. I never should have kept it from her, but I sure as shit wasn’t about to tell her my true feelings over the phone.
“What’s wrong, babe?”
“I don’t understand why life is so hard for me. I can’t catch a break. Every time I try to change, things take a turn for the worse.”
“I’m lost.”
“Take you for instance. I never should have told you I was in love with you, because nothin’s been the same since that happened. You say things haven’t changed, but we’re not as close. It’s like I pushed you away.”
I wiped the sleep from my eyes and sat up completely, trying to figure out how to manage this kind of conversation without being there with her. “You know that’s not true. I care about you too.”
“It’s not the same.” She let out an air-filled laugh. “It doesn’t even matter. Nothin’s ever goin’ to be the same. We can’t be together anyway, even if you changed your mind. I’m damaged goods.”
“You’re not makin’ any sense, Chris. In fact, you’re worryin’ me. Stop bein’ all cryptic and tell me what the hell is your problem. Don’t make me come over there in the middle of the night and force it out of you.”
When she began to bawl I wondered what I’d said to make her so upset. Nothing was making sense. She obviously called me to comfort her, but I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
“Christian, please say somethin’, or else I’m gettin’ in my car and comin’ for ya.”
“Don’t come near me. I’m not there anyway. I had to get away from all of it. I can’t be there, Ethan. Why can’t you get that?”
“I’m tryin’ to. Is this because of me, or that douche you were with last night?”
“This call was a mistake. I won’t bother you anymore. I think I just wanted to hear your voice one more time before you hated me. Goodbye, Ethan. For what it’s worth, you’re the only guy I’ve ever loved. I’m glad I got to experience that feelin’ before all of this happened; otherwise I’d never know what it was like. I’m sorry for ruinin’ our friendship.”
“Wait, you didn’t-.”
The line was dead.
I tried to redial her number, but it went straight to voicemail.
Out of desperation I threw on some clothes and drove over to her house, hoping to make sense over all of this.
First I beat on the door, hoping she’d hear it first. When no one answered, I rang the bell. A girl who I didn’t know answered. I could tell she was sleeping. “What?”
“I need to see Chris. Let me in.”
“She’s not here.” She started to close the door.
I put my hand up preventing her. “Hold up. What do you mean she’s not here?”
“She left earlier, dude. Go home.”
“Did she say where she was goin’?” I asked.
“How the hell would I know? She doesn’t say shit to me. Go on now before I kick you in the balls for wakin’ me up.”
This time the door closed in my face, but I remained standing there wondering why Chris would leave campus. This couldn’t be about me and our last conversation. Something must have happened to her, and I was going to get to the bottom of it.
My first class on Tuesday’s wasn’t until the afternoon, and since I hadn’t gotten but a few hours of sleep I knew I had to find Chris and get things worked out with her. After trying to call her several times, I climbed in my car and headed to her parent’s house. If she wasn’t with me, and she wasn’t at the campus house, that was the only other place she’d go.
I guess it slipped my mind that her family would be dealing with her sister’s latest bouts of trouble. When I pulled into the driveway I saw them climbing out of their SUV. They recognized me right away, and from the shocked look on their faces I knew they were co
nfused about my visit.
“Ethan, what brings you by this late?” Christian’s father, Colt asked.
“Sorry, sir. I was hopin’ Chris was here, but I can see that she’s not. Our messages must have gotten mixed up that’s all. I’ll just head on back to campus and see her in the mornin’.”
I started to turn to climb back in my car when I heard him respond. “Hold on a minute. Why would Christian say she was comin’ home? Is she alright?”
I threw him the most convincing smile I could. “Sure. Like I said, it’s probably a miscommunication. I’m certain she’s probably back at her place by now. Come to think of it, I’m sure she said she was catchin’ a movie with some friends.”
He cocked his brow, as if he didn’t believe a word coming out of my mouth. This was a man that people didn’t lie to. He was powerful and a force to be reckoned with if he was crossed. I was lying to him about his daughter; someone he’d most definitely protect with his life.
“Colt, your mom called earlier. She said Christian is spending the night at the main house. She didn’t give me specifics.” Christian’s mom turned to look at me after addressing her husband. “Ethan, did something happen at school? Is that why you drove out here tonight? Were you worried about our daughter?”
Since I’d just been caught in a lie I didn’t know how to reply. “Honestly, I don’t know. We had a fight yesterday and she hasn’t talked to me since. I stopped by the house earlier and they said she wasn’t there. You know I always look out for her, so I came here to make sure she was safe.” That part wasn’t a lie. “If somethin’ happened she didn’t tell me.”
“You best be gettin’ back to school now.” His stern order wasn’t meant to be a suggestion. I nodded and climbed into my car, only to be stopped from starting it by Christian’s mother.
“Ethan, you should stay on the ranch tonight. It’s late, and the deer are going crazy lately. I’d hate for you to hit one and get stranded or worse. We’ve got plenty of room. It’s no trouble, right, Colt?”
I refused to look his way, because I knew what he was thinking. He was under the assumption that I’d not only lied about his daughter once, but also about why she’d come to the ranch. He couldn’t understand that I’d driven all this way because I was ready to confess my love to his daughter.
“Just make sure you have your ass back to school in the mornin’.”
I often wondered if the man liked me at all. His stern demeanor left little to the imagination. “Yes, sir.”
I followed the two of them inside the house and let Miss Savanna show me the guest room. The whole time I wondered if I could sneak out and make my way to the main house, even though it was a terrible idea. Just as her mother was stepping out of the room she turned to me and smiled. “I’m glad she has you, Ethan. I’ve never understood why she struggles. That girl is beautiful inside and out. I just wish she’d see that.”
“She’ll always have me.”
She walked out of the room after I’d said it, and I wondered if somehow she knew my feelings for her daughter were stronger than I’d admitted. I was resolved to hoping that by morning Christian would get over whatever was bothering her. The anticipation of coming out to her was killing me.
Lying in a bed in her parent’s house made me feel close to her. I knew she wasn’t there, but it still gave me that connected feeling I longed for. I’d lied for too long, and feared it had cost me my chance of being with her. There was still concern about screwing it up, but I couldn’t sit back and watch her seeing other people. I’d learned my lesson feeling the pain of knowing she’d been with another guy besides me.
I’d experienced what it felt like to be jealous of another person, and was hell-bent on making sure it never happened again.
Chapter 14
Christian
It would have been nice to be able to sleep without interference. God knows I needed the rest. What I required more than sleep was to find resolution to my current situation.
In the middle of the night I got up and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. While standing alone in the dark room I took notice of all the little sounds the old house made. Each time something creaked I felt the need to jump and look around, making sure there wasn’t anyone there. Finally when I knew it was my nerves I headed back up to the bedroom and locked the door behind me.
Never in my life had I felt more alone. This wasn’t about having friends anymore. I’d been violated and couldn’t comprehend what I was supposed to do next.
For the rest of the night I sat there in that room with a small light on, crying, fighting with my reservations, and struggling to understand what was to come.
In the morning I heard my mother’s voice even before she knocked. I sat up realizing that I’d dozed off. The sun was beaming through the light colored curtains as I climbed out of the bed to unlock the door.
From the moment I looked into my mother’s eyes I knew I had to lie to her. It was impossible to look that woman in the eyes and tell her that someone had hurt me in a way that I wasn’t sure could be repaired. As determined as I became to keep it a secret, the moment her arms reached around me I lost it. She held me tight, never asking me a single question until I let it all out.
After time had passed she handed me some tissues from the nightstand. “I wanted to come over last night, but dad and I didn’t get home until late. Then Ethan showed up and-.”
“What? Ethan was here?”
“I thought you knew he’d come looking for you. Honey, please tell me he isn’t the reason for all of this.”
I shook my head and looked down at my legs, covering an obvious bruise before she could spot it. “He’s not. Ethan had nothin’ to do with my problems. Trust me, if he did you’d be the first to know.”
She moved the hair away from my face, but I still refused to look in her direction. “Please talk to me. I can’t have both of my girls miserable like this. It’s killing me. Your dad and I are here for you, no matter what you’re going through. I hope you know that. Nothing is more important to us than you kids.”
“I know, mom. I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”
“Are you sure? You know, I had a terrible time in college. It’s when I was dating your uncle Ty, and he had his accident. I had one friend, who ended up not being that great after all. Anyway, I just want you to know that I get what it’s like for you. You’re not alone, Christian. I’ve seen the way Ethan looks at you. He was worried last night.”
“Mom, Ethan and I are just friends, if we’re even that now. It’s a long story and I can’t think about it. Please tell me he left already.”
“He did. Your father made sure of it. He’s convinced that Ethan was the reason you came home last night.” My mother giggled to herself. “Sorry, it’s funny how your father gets about you girls. I feel sorry for the men that ask for your hands in marriage. They’re going to have to go through hell for him to approve.”
I wanted to smile, but my pent up emotions wouldn’t allow it. “If we even find men that want to be with us.”
“Don’t say that. You may not want to indulge me with what’s going on in your life, but I’ll always be here, Christian. God didn’t give me you kids if he thought I couldn’t handle it. Whatever it is, you’ll get through it.”
This made me so upset. Desperately I needed to tell someone what had happened to me, but for the life of me I wasn’t able to spit it out. The pain inflicted on me both emotional and physical was draining to think about. Even though I’d come home for comfort, I knew it was time for me to leave before my mother pried the information out of me, forcing me to relive what occurred. “I have class soon so I better get goin’. Thanks for checkin’ on me, mom. I appreciate it.”
She leaned over and kissed me before standing up. “I love you with all of my heart. No matter where you are, you need to remember I’m only a phone call away.”
“Thanks.”
After she’d left the room I got up and dressed. My intentio
ns were to go back to my house and sleep the day away. For the second time I was skipping my classes. I sent an email to professors telling them that I’d encountered a family emergency. Luckily, since my grades were always good, they offered my assignments through the internet, allowing me to submit my work online. I still didn’t know how I’d be able to keep focused, but at least I had the opportunity to not fall behind.
As I was leaving the ranch I spotted my dad in his truck. He pulled up next to my car and his window slowly rolled down. “Good Mornin’, darlin’. You alright?”
“Yeah, dad. I’m fine.”
“You sure?” I could tell he was giving me a once over. “Your mom and I are worried. Next time you come home instead of goin’ to gram’s.”
“Okay.”
“Tell that boy to treat ya better so he doesn’t have to chase you down again.” Even though my dad was speaking about Ethan, I thought of Seth chasing me down.
Without explaining my bout of shock I pulled off of the property and took off down the road. My dad would go to my mother and together they’d try to fix me. I wish it were that easy to make all of this pain vanish, but I wasn’t going to kid myself. This would haunt me for the rest of my life, and no matter how hard I tried I’d never be able to forget it.
I’d stopped crying about a mile from the house, and as I pulled in I was determined to get some rest and then make a few calls to find a professional to talk with. As ashamed as I was, I knew I couldn’t go through it alone.
I’d no sooner stepped inside of my bedroom when I saw him sitting there. His hands were on his knees, but his focus was on me. Slowly I backed out of the bedroom, praying he wouldn’t stand up too fast.
“Chris, wait. Let me just talk to you.”
After locking myself in the bathroom, I pressed my hands against the wooden door, praying he couldn’t get through it.
Christian Mitchell Page 9