Chasing Hope

by Nancy Stopper

  Until he couldn’t take it anymore.

  “I’m sorry, Justin.” She croaked out the words, barely above a whisper.

  She wasn’t exactly sure he’d heard her until his thumb stilled. He threw a quick glance over at her before returning his attention to the road. “For what?”

  “For everything. For all the yelling and screaming, for driving you aw—”

  “That’s not what tonight is about.” He shook his head, like he didn’t want to think about what they’d been through that landed them at this point in their relationship. “Tonight I’m going out on a date with a pretty girl in an extremely sexy dress. All that other nonsense can wait.”

  “But we—”

  “Nope. Not tonight.”

  He released her hand and she thought she’d ruined it again, until he flipped his signal and turned into a dimly lit parking lot. He found a spot quickly and parked.

  “Wait right there.”

  He hopped out and rounded the hood. He paused a minute beside her door but then opened it.

  She placed her hand in his and he helped her from the car. After tucking her hand in his elbow, he led her carefully through the parking lot to the front door. She didn’t know what to say. After all of these years, had they run out of things to talk about that weren’t Aiden or her inability to get pregnant?

  When they reached the front door, he held that one, too, stepping in after she did. “Thank you.”

  She heard his sucked in breath as the door closed behind him. He leaned in close. “You look really sexy in that dress with those heels.” He paused a minute. “Damn, I’m sorry, Maddie. I’m trying so hard to remind myself that we’re supposed to be on a first date. I just can’t seem to keep my eyes off you.”

  She smiled. She’d wanted to look good for him. No, that wasn’t right. She was looking good for herself. She had stopped taking care of herself a long time ago and tonight was another step toward turning that part of her life around. They couldn’t find their way back to each other if she didn’t change. That he appreciated it was just icing on the cake.

  That didn’t stop her from putting a little extra sway in her hips as the hostess led them to their table. His arm snaked around her waist and he pulled her to his side.

  She laughed. “Why, Mr. Harper, that’s mighty familiar for a first date, don’t you think?”

  He growled and leaned in so his mouth hovered over her ear. The heat of his breath made her shiver. “Every man in here has their eyes on you. I’m just reminding them that you’re with me.”

  She loved that she could do that to him. She had forgotten how fun it was to flirt with Justin. How he’d always gotten possessive, but not in a bad way. More protective than possessive. For all the years growing up when no one was looking out for her, she’d glommed onto that and held on for dear life. Maybe that was part of their problem… she’d turned to Justin for something she needed to find in herself. Then when things started to go south between them, when the stresses were driving them apart instead of bringing them together, she felt adrift. She’d lost her protection and all it did was leave her vulnerable.

  She had to find the strength within herself to survive on her own. Only then would she be ready to reconsider a future with Justin. But she wasn’t going to think about that now. Tonight was about being on a date with her husband.

  The hostess led them to a small booth in the corner. Justin helped her sit but instead of taking the bench across from her, he slid in beside her, his knee brushing up against hers. The gentle touch had her gasping. Justin just grinned and stared at his menu. The stinker. He knew exactly what he was doing to her.

  The waiter appeared at the end of the table. “Are you guys ready to order?”

  Justin eyed her. “May I?”

  She nodded. It had been a long time since they’d gone out to dinner, just the two of them. No kids, no business associates, no family members. Did he remember her favorite dish?

  “The lady will have linguine with white clam sauce.”

  She grinned and he winked at her.

  “And a side Caesar salad.”

  There he was, taking care of her again. Like he always had, even when she didn’t make it easy. But depending on him had her pausing. What if this didn’t end up working out between them? She had to be able to take care of Aiden… and herself… without Justin.

  Justin handed his menu over. He must have ordered while she was worrying. He tilted his head and studied her for a moment. “What’s wrong?”

  She clasped her hands in her lap. He had worked so hard to put together this date, to call her and ask her out, even remembering how he’d gotten her number from a friend. If she answered his question, would she extinguish the hope swirling in his eyes.

  His hand landed on top of hers, the touch more soothing than arousing.

  She couldn’t meet his gaze. “You’re taking care of me.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  “It is. Sometimes.”

  “Damn, Maddie. I’m sorry. I just thought trying to recreate how we felt on our first date would be a good way to start over.”

  “It was. It is. I loved how you called and asked me out. You’ve been making the effort and all I do is ruin everything.”

  “No, you don’t. You haven’t messed up anything. I want us to talk about the things that we’re worried or upset about. That’s what’s been wrong with us for a long time. We stopped talking. And when we stopped talking, it was too easy to start arguing. And I don’t want to argue with you. So please, talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking - good or bad - and we’ll discuss it.”

  He was right, of course. She didn’t know when it had happened, but it had been so gradual that she didn’t notice until it was too late. Dinners spent dealing with Aiden or with Justin studying inventory reports or game videos on his iPad. Her turning in early because the hormone injections made her so tired that she couldn’t keep her eyes open. They could spend hours near each other and not say a word. And it wasn’t a comfortable silence.

  But now he wanted to know what she was thinking. If she didn’t open herself up to him, would they ever have a chance of fixing their marriage? She drew in a breath. “Okay. Here goes. I used to be strong. I had to be, you know, with how I grew up. But over time, with you, I let myself become weak. It was easy to sit back and let you take charge.”

  “I like doing things for you, Maddie. You’re my wife.”

  “And I haven’t appreciated that nearly enough, and I’m sorry. But this is bigger than that. Over time, I got to the point that I was dependent on you, and I stopped being able to take care of myself.”

  “I think that was the hormones more than anything else.”

  The waiter silently slid their salads in front of them and stepped away.

  Maddie shook her head. He was trying to make excuses for her behavior, but she wasn’t going to let herself off the hook. “Only to an extent. It was easy to depend on you for things, but after a while, I got to the point that I couldn’t do anything for myself anymore. And I’m not talking about little things. I basically lost sight of the Maddie I was when you met me. The woman who saw what she wanted and went after it. It’s the only way I made it through school, scraping away for every odd job I could find between classes.”

  Justin opened his mouth to say something else, but she held up her hand. Now that she had started, she needed to get through this.

  “I stopped being the strong woman who took the world by storm. When was the last time I went into the store and helped? You don’t need to answer that. I know that it’s been a long time.”

  “You had other things to worry about, like Aiden, and—”

  “That’s no excuse, but I let it become one. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

  “I can already tell that you’re feeling better. I saw a sparkle in your eye at the game and when you opened the door that I haven’t seen in a long time.”

  “I have to adm
it, it hasn’t been easy. I even dragged myself out of bed this morning and went to yoga. I haven’t been to class in forever and it felt good. I was just finished with class when you called.”

  “I know how much you enjoyed yoga before. I always wondered why you stopped going.”

  If only he’d asked her then, had started the conversation before things got so bad that he felt he needed to leave. But it wasn’t his fault. That was all on her. “I just lost the desire to do anything. It was so easy to skip a day here and there when I was tired, after an especially long night with Aiden. But after a while, that just became an excuse. And once I stopped going, I didn’t have the energy to go. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn’t get out of.”

  * * *

  Justin stared at his wife for a moment. She had become a different person, but so had he. He wasn’t the ball player she met and married, and she wasn’t the college co-ed hanging out at the ballpark. In the past eight years, they had gotten married, and he’d retired and come home to run the store after his father died. Most importantly, they’d had Aiden. Of course they were different people. But maybe he had turned a blind eye to what was going on with her. “I’m sorry, Maddie. I was so wrapped up in keeping the store afloat and you were emotional about not being able to have a baby, that not talking, ignoring what was happening, became normal.”

  Moisture pooled in her eyes. Dammit. He’d told himself he wasn’t going to bring up their fertility issues. He’d wanted to keep tonight light and easy and give them a chance to get to know each other as the adults they had become now, without worrying about their family or their struggles, and here he was, dragging her right back into a place she didn’t want to go.

  She swiped at her eyes and squared her shoulders. Watching her, he saw the exact minute that she shook off the despair. Good for her. It had only been a few days, but maybe that time away from each other, putting what had driven them apart aside, had been a positive step.

  For him, it had been torture. He hated waking up alone, the sheets on the other side of the bed cold and unused. He hated not seeing her face across the table from his in the morning, even if that face was wrought with despair. And he missed kissing Aiden goodnight.

  She sighed. “Let’s not talk about that anymore. I’m sorry I dragged us down. This is all so nice, the fancy restaurant, taking time away just for us. And you remembered my favorite Italian dish.”

  As if her words made it so, the waiter brought their dinners. The garlic smell wafting from her plate and the spicy scent of his lasagna had his mouth watering. He grabbed one of the small side plates in the middle of the table and cut off a portion of his lasagna, sliding it onto the dish. As he lifted his head, he couldn’t help but smile. An equal amount of her linguine sat piled on another plate between them. She hadn’t forgotten. They both liked the same foods and often couldn’t decide what they wanted. So they would each get something they knew the other liked, and they’d share.

  It was the little things that they’d forgotten and he’d hoped to remind her of. One mission accomplished.

  “So, tell me about yoga class. Did Jen go with you?”

  “Yeah. She’s been going all this time, so she kicked my butt. I’m not as flexible as I used to be, but I held my own.”

  The thought of her bending and stretching in her yoga pants and T-shirt reminded him of… Dammit, that wasn’t what tonight was about, but his body didn’t seem to get the message. He mentally recited inventory logs from his store, ran through his professional stats, anything to calm the stirring that had his pants tightening. Hopefully Maddie wouldn’t look down. “I’m sure you did great.”

  “I was so energized when it was done. I was able to shove everything that’s been going on out of my mind and really focus. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. I wish I hadn’t given it up. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so bogged down in everything if I’d made sure to take some time for me.”

  It seemed that they couldn’t have a conversation without talking about what had happened. But at least she’d seen the positive. “I’m glad. I hope you keep going. But I also want to ask…”

  Would she be up for it? He could only hope. She might think he was throwing her a bone, but the reality was, they needed her at the store. He hated asking her when she was just getting her life straightened out, but he’d put it off long enough.

  “What?”

  “You mentioned the store earlier. Do you think you have some hours to give?”

  She nodded as she swallowed a bite of linguine. “I probably can, while Aiden’s at school. What’s going on?”

  He couldn’t broach needing her help at the store without clueing her in to the struggles he’d been facing. But if he couldn’t talk about it with his wife, then who could he discuss it with? “Sales have been down. The new big box store here in Philly is eating into our revenue.”

  Her eyes softened. “Oh, Justin, how long has this been happening?”

  “A few months now, I guess. I figured they’d make a big splash at first and people would flock to them, just to check it out. I still expected my regulars to come back around. But that hasn’t quite been the case.”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  “I think we need a new marketing campaign. Radio and local TV ads, maybe even some print ads. And a promo or gimmick, something to get people into the store.”

  A sparkle lit Maddie’s green eyes and he knew he had her. She’d helped his dad out from time to time while Justin was playing ball, and she’d crafted their blitz campaign when he’d first taken over the store. Since then, she hadn’t really been involved with running the business. He’d known she missed it but didn’t know how to broach the topic without reminding her of why she was at home in the first place. She expected to be raising their kids. Plural. And he hadn’t wanted to upset her. But seeing her now, excited about the possibilities, and he was kicking himself for waiting so long.

  “What if you ran a sale? You could team up with the local little league and the soccer league and offer specials just for their players. If you do it on a single day, then they’ll have to come in on that day.”

  In the next few minutes, she spelled out her ideas for what she had already dubbed “Sports Day,” pulling a pen out of her purse and scribbling on napkins until she had a whole pile of them. He just sat back and let her create, fascinated by how her mind worked. It may have been how she looked in those tight jeans that had attracted him in the first place, but it had been her sharp intellect that had drawn him in and made him fall in love with her. Something he’d forgotten in the past few years.

  The waiter had come and gone and the bill had been paid by the time she ran out of ideas. “Wow, I can’t believe I’ve been going for so long.”

  He swiped at his mouth and dropped his napkin on the table. “I can. You have some great ideas and I can’t wait to see what you come up with next. Thank you. So, you’ll be in next week to start putting this plan into motion?”

  She nodded. He stood and extended his hand to her. The restaurant had all but emptied out while they were eating, so he couldn’t blame his irrational protectiveness, but he didn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around her anyway. Blame it on his need to feel her against him, to smell her scent swirling around him. As he escorted her through the parking lot, he gritted his teeth to keep from crushing his mouth down on hers right in front of the entire world, to drink her in again. She probably tasted of garlic and butter and that unique flavor he always associated with Maddie.

  But he restrained himself as he deposited her into the car and climbed in himself. She seemed much more relaxed on the drive back to the house. Their house. He refused to think of the guest cottage as anything other than temporary.

  Tonight was a good first step, but he and Maddie had a long way to go before he could move back home. It would be too easy to fall back into their bad habits. They needed to solidify their relationship to weather the tough times first.

  He pulled into the
driveway and she smiled over at him. “Thanks for dinner. This was really nice, just the two of us going out. We haven’t done enough of that recently.”

  And that was his fault. He should have recognized a long time ago that things were going south in their marriage. Instead he’d buried his head in the sand, focused on the business, and ignored what was happening with Maddie. If he had intervened sooner, maybe it wouldn’t have come to this.

  Maddie moved to open her door.

  “Here, let me walk you up.” He jumped out and rushed around the car, drawing in a deep breath and willing his body to behave before he faced her again.

  She reached for his hand to help her out of the car and didn’t let it go as they walked to the door. A simple thing, her small hand in his, but a comfort existed between them now that hadn’t when he’d picked her up.

  He slowed his steps, wanting to draw out their time together. God, he missed his wife. He’d seen glimpses of the woman he’d married at dinner tonight. If only she could see herself as he saw her, still the young, beautiful woman he’d met. Sure, he’d love to have more kids, but not at the expense of her happiness and their marriage.

  She paused at the door, her hand on the knob. She bit her lip and gazed up at him through her lashes. He felt like they were on their first date all over again. His dropping her off that night had been equally awkward, as most first dates were. Did he kiss her or not? Did she want him to? Would she want him to ask her out again? He might have passed himself off as a cocky athlete, but he had the same concerns as everyone else.

  Well, he’d had plenty of time to learn how to read her signals. She was definitely hoping he would kiss her good night. He ran his hand up her arm and cupped his fingers around her neck. She moved into his arms easily, a dance they had perfected over the years. And then his mouth was on hers, her lips as soft and perfect as they always had been. His other arm snaked around her waist, pulling her to him. Her tongue darted out hesitantly, seeking his, and he answered by sweeping his into her mouth.