Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  I wasn’t able to hold back my laugh, regardless of how heavy our conversation had turned. “You should’ve gone into politics, Axel. The world needs you.”

  “Maybe, but I only need you.”

  His words made me grin and a fiery heat ignited in my cheeks. “Can I be honest with you, without you taking offense or getting upset? I hate to talk about this over the phone, but we haven’t been able to see each other much, and I feel like I need to get this out.”

  He’d grown silent, but then promised—reluctantly—to stay calm.

  “I’ve told you this before, but I don’t think you took me seriously. You have this undeniable need to care for people. You helped your friend when you were younger, you help your family any way you can…you’re a freaking teacher for heaven’s sake. You have a really big heart, and you care about everything and everyone. But, if I’m being honest, as much as I love that about you, it scares the crap out of me. It makes me think that you’re drawn to me because you want to protect me. You’ve said it like a million times—how you want to save me and protect me from my mom.”

  “I wish I could answer that for you, Bree. But right now, I don’t think I can. I guess I’ve never thought about it like that before. You’re right, though…I want to keep you safe. I want to show you just how wrong your mother is about you. I want to unleash the fierce animal inside of you, all while holding you close out of fear of you getting hurt. But I also see you for who you are, and that’s what draws me to you.”

  “It just makes me wonder if we’d be together had it all been different. Like…if we’d met in the future. If I’d graduated high school and left my mom, found my own inner strength, and never needed you to drive me home when I was too sick to walk, or make me soup and buy me medicine. If I hadn’t needed you to come to my aid, would we be together?”

  “I’d like to think so.”

  “But you don’t believe so,” I’d said, translating his words for him.

  “I don’t know, Bree. If I saw you standing on the street, I’d notice you. If we sat across from each other at a bar, and you looked my way, you’d catch my attention. If we were in line at a grocery store and you laughed, you would’ve made my head turn. You act like you were invisible to me prior to showing up with a busted face. That’s not true. We talked—although brief—the day before. Your cheeks turned red, your eyes lit up, and you smiled. I saw those things. I also noticed how withdrawn you became in class, how you didn’t appear to be paying any attention. All those things were before I learned about your struggles. Before I wanted to save you.”

  As he spoke, I closed my eyes, trying to visualize how he saw me that first day.

  “So…do I think we’d be together in some alternate universe where your mom loved you and I wasn’t your teacher? More than likely. But you asked an honest question, and it deserves an honest answer. I can’t give that to you without thinking about it. You’re right, I like to help people, always have and always will. I’ve never thought that had anything to do with us, but if it worries you, then it deserves some serious thought.”

  We didn’t speak about it again after that night, and we went on like we always did. However, our conversations did change slightly after that. We started asking each other more personal questions, delving in to all the cracks in order to get to know one another on a more intimate level. I eventually told him about my dad and the reasons he gave for leaving. Axel wanted to spend more time on that topic than I did, but I gave in and discussed it further. I don’t think it made him change his mind about my dad much, but he supported my decision to let it go. In the end, we both decided it was best to leave the past where it was, and wash our hands of the negativity it brought.

  He didn’t know, and I never told him, but the idea of having more with him became a thought. I knew it wouldn’t happen anytime in the near future, but that didn’t stop the questions that consumed my mind. How many girls had he been with? When did he lose his virginity? Has he ever taken a girl’s innocence? And what would it be like to give him mine? The more we talked, the deeper things became, and it made it harder to block out my desire for him. But I never told him any of this, because it would only serve to prove his point when he said we couldn’t have it both ways. He had tried to warn me that there was a natural progression with these types of things, and I had quickly learned that he wasn’t joking. There definitely was a point of no return. It seemed as if one thing would innocently lead to another and another.

  So out of curiosity, I’d asked him one night about his first time. He didn’t want to talk about it with me and deemed the conversation as off limits, but I pushed. I learned that he lost his virginity when he was eighteen to his high school sweetheart—it was her first time, too. He couldn’t give me any details about it other than it didn’t last very long, and apparently, it wasn’t that great. But he said it taught him something. He thought they would be together forever. They’d go off to school, graduate, and then get married. But they never got that far, because she cheated on him in their first year of college. He assumed it had to do with her age and inexperience, and the whole grass-is-greener thing had made her curious about other people and what she may be missing.

  He didn’t say anything, and I never brought it up, but I’m sure on some level, he worried about that with me, as well. We didn’t talk about her too much before he told me other things. Like how he’d only been with five girls. He said “only”—I thought that was a lot. But I guess it was fine since he explained they were all his girlfriends at the time. He didn’t have an appetite for one-night stands and couldn’t fathom ever seeking that kind of encounter.

  I’d wanted to ask how much it’d hurt me, since I was smart enough to know that losing my virginity wouldn’t be pain free, but I kept that question to myself. I really didn’t need the answer right then. Not to mention, another girl would’ve been able to give me a better idea than a guy when the time came for me to learn about it.

  By the end of April, I felt as if I knew him so much better. Our relationship had grown leaps and bounds, dug deeper than ever before. Yet we still hadn’t said the dreaded L-word. I’m pretty sure what I’d felt for him had been love for a while, but I hadn’t admitted it to myself until the beginning of May. And that had come to fruition on accident.

  Oftentimes, I would leave notes for Axel on his desk, always hiding them. He learned to check his papers and under his keyboard after my class. They were always innocent and funny, but one day, I slipped up without thinking. I blamed it on the heat—Axel was not kidding when he said I had to wear jeans all the time. My note was light, easy, and fun, just like every other I’d written before. I’d made a joke about his hair, and how it needed to be cut. But the one thing that made that one different from the others, was when I’d signed it. I usually wrote “xo” or would draw a smiley face. But on this one, without thinking, I’d signed it: Love, Wolf Eyes. I realized it immediately, and crumpled the paper, shoving it into my backpack instead of leaving it for him. That was the moment I could no longer deny my feelings.

  Two weeks later, everything changed again.

  It was prom weekend, and it had the entire school buzzing. Everyone was excited, including me. But my excitement was for something very different. Axel had asked me the weekend before if I would be able to sneak out and see him. Neither of us had any plans to attend the function, so I was left confused by his question. But he said to dress nice and meet him at his house. I had no idea what my mom’s plans entailed, but I didn’t care and accepted his invitation anyway.

  Luckily, my mom had poured herself a large glass of wine early in the evening, and then retired to her room after dinner. I wasn’t sure why she’d called it such an early night since she didn’t have work that day, but it wasn’t my place to ask. I ignored her, cleaned the kitchen, and then rifled through my closet for something nice to wear.

  My nerves didn’t hit me until I made it through the trees into Axel’s back yard. I found him stretching out a
blanket with his back to me, but it gave me a moment to absorb everything. Candles were lit along the bricks that separated his grass from the flowerbeds, and I noticed a speaker not far from where he stood. A cooler sat out as well, although I couldn’t see what was in it. Axel wore dress clothes, like the kind he wore to school. Everything seemed so perfect and romantic, even the stars were out bright with not a cloud in the sky.

  After laying the blanket out, he spun around, noticing me for the first time. He froze and allowed his eyes to linger over my appearance. I didn’t care if he scolded me for the dress since he’d been the one to tell me to dress nice. I couldn’t exactly dress up a pair of jeans. But he didn’t say anything other than, “Wow.” That wow sent my heart straight to the moon and back full of happiness.

  “What’s all this for?” I asked as I slowly walked toward him.

  With a shrug, he replied, “Prom. I figured we can’t go to the real one, but there’s nothing stopping us from having our own.”

  “What’s the blanket for?”

  “Stargazing.” He took my hand and helped me sit down, careful of my dress. Then he pulled out a bottle of sparkling grape juice and two cups from the cooler. “You look absolutely stunning, Bree. Even without lights, I can honestly say you’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”

  “In the world?” I asked, laughing off his compliment. “That’s saying a bit much, don’t ya think?” I took the cup from his hand and drank, hoping that giving my hands and mouth something to do would curb my growing desire to touch him.

  “Not at all.” His eyes glistened as he watched me, and then he turned his attention to the sky. “Care to lay down with me? I thought it would be nice to gaze at the stars while we talk.”

  “Talk? About what?”

  “I have a lot to say to you, Bree. I didn’t want it to be over the phone, and I don’t know if I can say it while looking you in the eyes. So I thought if we were next to each other, while staring into the giant sky, it might make it easier.”

  My heart began to race with fear as anxiety overcame me. I hadn’t worried about our relationship in over two months, yet panic slammed into me, as if it had never gone away. Before I could find the strength to speak, he stole my breath away, pressing his lips gently against mine.

  “Don’t freak out. Because if you freak out, then I’m going to. And I really need to stay calm in order to say this.” His pleading words were whispered across my lips, but they did very little to calm me down. He leaned back on his elbows, waiting for me to join him.

  With our backs against the blanket and our gazes straight ahead, I asked, “What is it you want to say? Because I swear to you, Axel, you’re seriously giving me a paranoid fear of your yard.”

  He reached across the space between us and held my hand. His thumb rubbed in soothing circles over my knuckle. “You asked me a question last month that I couldn’t answer. But I told you I’d give it some thought. Well, I have, and I’m prepared to explain it now.”

  I stared up at the sky, but I paid it no mind. I couldn’t tell you what the stars looked like, how bright the moon was, or if there were any airplanes flying overhead. None of that registered as his words sank in.

  “The truth is, I do want to protect you. If I had my way, I’d steal you from your house and move you in with me. I don’t like thinking of how you were raised, and desperately wish I could change that for you. I wish I could take away every ounce of pain you’ve ever felt due to your parents. I’ve never denied that. However, that doesn’t change who you are as a person. Maybe those things have even made you stronger, despite your inability to see your strength. You’re an amazing person, Aubrey. You’re smart, funny, kind—you’re honestly the best person I’ve ever met.

  “You asked me if we would be together if our circumstances were different. I’ve thought a lot about this, and even tried imagining every possible scenario. And I realized that if you were older and not my student, I’d still want to be with you. As long as you’re the person you are right now, nothing would keep me away from you.” He squeezed my hand and grew quiet.

  I turned my head and found him staring at me. “I don’t understand. It’s taken you a month to think of that? Or is there more to your speech, and you just wanted me calm before letting me down?”

  “It hasn’t taken me a month to realize that. I told you it deserved serious thought, and so that’s what I gave it. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us, Bree. I can’t see into the future. But either way, I wanted you to know that what I feel for you has nothing to do with this hero complex you say I have.”

  “Are you denying that you have one?” I wanted to lighten the mood, so I winked at him and tightened my fingers around his.

  The way he licked his lips before talking had mine burning with the remnants of his kiss from earlier. “No. I’m not saying that there’s no truth to that. But my need to protect you isn’t because of that. It hasn’t taken me this long to realize I’d still want to be with you regardless of our situation. It’s taken me this long to understand why I have this need to keep you safe.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Because it’s basic instinct to protect those we love.”

  I swallowed, and then swallowed again. My eyes blinked rapidly. But nothing I did woke me from the dream I was in. “Yeah…that makes sense,” I said breathlessly, trying not to focus on his words too much in case he didn’t mean them the way I’d taken them.

  His chest started to heave faster, giving away his panicked breaths. And then he turned his head and stared back at the sky, but I couldn’t look away. “I just thought you should know that.”

  “Know what, exactly? That you want to protect me because you care?” I sought clarity. I needed the words to be spelled out for me before I allowed myself to believe they’d actually been spoken. Without a blatant confession, there was nothing to prove to me that I hadn’t made it all up in my head.

  His mouth opened and closed a few times before he cleared his throat. “No. Yes. I mean…yes, that’s why. But no, because it’s so much more than that.” As he struggled to find his words, I turned onto my side to face him, and then patiently waited for him to speak again. “So much more…”

  I reached my hand out and rested it on his chest, feeling his heart pounding against it. He covered it with his and then let his head fall to the side so that we were eye to eye once more. “Just say it, Axel. It’s me. Why are you acting so scared?”

  “I’m scared for what this means. For what will happen after I say it.”

  I lifted myself onto my elbow and leaned into him, pressing my lips against his. I heard his breath hitch seconds before his warmth enveloped me. He released my hand on his chest and used it to cup my face, holding me there for a few moments longer.

  “What was that for?” he whispered, breathing heavily against me.

  “It’s me, Axel. Me. What are you so afraid of?”

  His fingers laced through my hair as he held the side of my face, making sure I didn’t back too far away. “You’re so young, Bree. Sometimes I forget that. I forget that you’ve never experienced certain things. And then I realize it, and it worries me. What happens when you get out into the great big world, and you’re doing it all on your own? What happens to me when you make friends? When guys flirt with you, or when you find that you’re attracted to other people? What happens when you outgrow me?”

  I climbed over him, straddling his hips, and then fisted the front of his shirt to pull him upright. He sat up willingly, although I could tell by his dumbfounded expression just how shocked he was. He remained silent as I adjusted myself on his lap until we were eye level with one another. And then I cupped his cheeks and pulled his face close enough so I could feel his breath across my lips.

  “I’m not your ex. I have no desire to explore any other relationship. Not now, and not ever. There’s not a damn thing you need to worry about when it comes to me. Don’t be scared to tell me anything, because I won’t br
eak your heart, Axel. Maybe I am young and inexperienced, but that doesn’t mean I’m a child. I think I’ve had more to deal with than most adults your age. I’m not gonna suddenly fall for some random guy who smiles at me, when I have you.”

  His grip on my sides tightened slightly before he rested his hands on my hips. “And what about when you go off to college and I’m here? How will you handle the distance?”

  “I’ve actually been thinking about the community college.”

  “No,” he said sternly. “I won’t let you settle.”

  “I’m not settling, Axel. I don’t know what degree I want. It makes sense to take out smaller tuition loans for my basic courses until I figure that out. That will give us two years before having to make any kind of decision about where we live.”

  “Where we live? What about where you live in the meantime? I don’t want you at your mom’s house that long.”

  I let my hands fall to his shoulders and studied his eyes for a moment, waiting until they softened. “I thought I could take early classes at the college and then work part time at night to earn some money. I could find a cheap apartment or something.”

  He snickered and leaned forward, pressing a light, quick kiss to my lips. Damn, it was becoming easier and easier to do that. “Or something… Is that really what you want to do? Stay here and go to the local college? You want to stay with me?”

  “Always.”

  The shy grin on his face widened into a heart-stopping smile.

  “As long as that’s what you want to do, of course.” For some reason, I felt silly being so open with him, assuming he’d want me there. “I mean, we’ve never really talked about the future or anything. I don’t even know how you feel, or if we want the same things out of life.”

  “I’ll tell you what I want, and then we can go from there. How’s that?” He waited for me to nod before saying anything else, probably experiencing the same nerves that I did. “If you want to stay here for two years, I want you under my roof. Whether that’s this house or we move to another one, I don’t care, I just want you with me. And then after you pick the university you want to attend, I’ll find a job at a school there.”