The Golden Globe

by John Varley

  This is where Sparky and His Gang succeeds, and that it does is little short of a miracle. Load the early episodes, if you dare. You will find Sparky and his friend, Polly, appealing. Everyone else is a reject from a hundred other similar shows. They do uninteresting things for baffling reasons. The show has no center, and no direction.

  The changes in the Sparky show can be traced to the debut of the first interesting member of his gang: Inky Tagger. He is a ridiculous character at first glance. His fingers are a spectrum of magic markers. He has a big aerosol valve growing out of the top of his head. And he is completely covered, head to toe, with constantly shifting graffiti.

  Inky is a sinner, you see, like all the new Sparky characters. In the course of his debut episode, Inky was pursued as "The Mad Tagger," whose graffiti came to life and menaced people. Sparky cornered him, talked to him, showed him the harm he was doing. Defiant at first, Inky swore he would never stop his defacements, but being admitted to the Gang, a place where he could finally belong, worked wonders. Sparky and the Gang showed him how he could put his artistic powers to good use. End of story, right?

  Wrong. Inky has been known to backslide. He is at his best when close to Sparky, enfolded in the love of the Gang. But when alone, his restless urges are apt to overcome him. He feels terrible about it, but is helpless as any alcoholic. Sparky gets exasperated with Inky, but never stops liking him, and Inky is learning to control his urges.

  Think about it. How much money has been spent in "Public Service Announcements" telling kids that graffiti is wrong, that taggers are dopes? I hesitate even to guess. It has had no discernible impact on the problem. The reason, I believe, is a simple one: taggers are not dopes. They are lonely, confused, unsure about their place in a world full of anonymity. All graffiti say the same thing, in the end: I am here! I am a person. Sparky tells taggers it's okay. He understands you, he likes you. And you don't have to be a loser. His gang does more than battle rival gangs. Sparky battles evil, both the external sort, and the bad urges that exist in all of us. It has been a long time since a television show has brought us a message like that.

  All Sparky's new gang are a little comical, and a little frightening. An excellent example is Arson E. Blazeworthy. The comical side is his appearance, like a mad scientist whose most recent experiment has blown up. His face is blackened. Sometimes the tip of his nose and the tips of his earlobes burst into flame. His eyes are always comically wide. His charred clothes smolder and smoke. Arson is, of course, the pyromaniac, the compulsive fire-setter. The arsonist was a figure of fear even back on Old Earth. Here in the confines of the Lunar warrens he strikes terror into all our hearts. And it is a common enough condition in the young, one not often talked about. Sparky's Gang faces Arson head-on, reforms him, turns his fire-setting powers toward good. Usually. Like Inky, Arson can find the temptation too great. But he is trying.

  All of Sparky's motley crew are trying to do better. Sparky does not demand perfection. He knows no heart is totally pure, not even his own. Sparky himself is sometimes prone to overconfidence, and there is a sprightly, practical-joking side to him.

  Each of the children in the Gang personifies some failing, fear, obsession, or stumbling block encountered in the process of growing up. In the last few months they've been given a name, these outsiders brought into the bosom of Sparky's Gang: Kids at Risk. Here, meet a few of them:

  Lionel Alibi. As usual, the name says it. Whatever happened, Lionel didn't do it. And if he did do it, it wasn't his fault, because somebody made him do it. And it wasn't him, anyway, it was Annie Rexia.

  Acne Rose. The disfiguring skin disease known as acne rosacea is, thankfully, merely a memory now. Except for poor Acne Rose. She has an incurable case, her face a mass of eruptions and cankers. Naturally enough, she hates everyone who looks at her. But, this being a television fantasy, she is armed with the Zits of Death. When she pops a pimple it's like a toxic spill.

  "Eeeeuuuuw!" That was the reaction of my class at the first sight of Acne, followed by a cruel gale of giggles. But by the end of the episode they were cheering her on as she helped Sparky corral a vicious gang of polluters. Acne is the ugly duckling most of us feel ourselves to be at some point in our childhoods. She personifies the uncertainty we have about our bodies, about how others see us. She is also very gross.

  Sparky's writers are not the first to perceive this great truth: that children like the baser bodily processes (see Zippy the Zombie from Skunk Cabbage). Farts and belches make them laugh. They giggle at things adults think are disgusting, or impolite. Sparky is simply the first to put this engine of risibility into the service of a moral lesson, rather than a mere cheap laugh.

  You think you've seen gross? I'll give you gross. Take the Terrible Twins, Windy and Wendy Cheesecutter. Virtually identical in appearance, this brother-and-sister team have been taught, by Sparky and the Gang, how to turn their terminal flatulence into an asset. Apply a lit match to their... er, exhaust, and they're jet-propelled! They can grab the wings of a disabled jumper and lower it gently to the ground, put fallen fledglings back into their nests. Leap higher than a skyscraper! Or if you simply must have something blown up, Windy and Wendy are your best bet.

  All the Kids at Risk are misfits, all of them afflicted. Sparky's job in life is to show them the power of their abnormality, and that anyone can be accepted, and loved, if they do the right thing.

  In opposition to Sparky is the strongest of the Kids at Risk, a really rotten boy by the name of Armageddon Angry. Week after week Sparky and Army do battle for the hearts, minds, and souls of the Kids. Army is very good. Just when you think Sparky has finally reached a really stubborn miscreant, Army will whisper his poisonous insinuations in the child's ear, and fan the fires of resentment. It's easy enough to do; these kids are severely damaged. And who has done the damage? Why, you and me. Society. The ones of us who look at the ugly duckling and jeer, rather than love. Or even worse, those who view them with their hateful pity, those who want to help. These kids want our acceptance, not our help.

  But in Sparky's world, not even Armageddon is all bad. He, too, yearns to be accepted, but his defenses are stronger, his hatred all-consuming. And what is the source of this burning rage?

  Ah. It is too early to say for sure. But two things are already clear. Master Angry was created by Sparky himself, in a moment of hubris (this is presented as back story; Sparky and the Gang exist in a timeless world that looks like ours but functions like never-neverland). Nothing could be clearer than that Armageddon Angry is Sparky's dark side. In their face-to-face meetings Army has proven himself an accomplished tempter. He has shown Sparky the joys of an amoral freedom; we could see Sparky waver. It is this sort of edgy, nervous awareness of the possibility of Sparky's overthrow that keeps the kids' attention, that engages their hearts and minds. Nothing is assured in Sparky's world, just as in our own. Your friend of today could stab you in the back tomorrow. And the day after that you might embrace an enemy. These are things children have to deal with, things the cheap adventure shows know nothing about.

  How does a child deal with these things? According to Sparky, with pluck and grit, and a willingness to get up and try again when you're down. Above all, without bitterness. The universe has been unfair to you? Gee, that's tough, but crying about it solves nothing. Come with me, I'll show you the power you have.

  The other obvious thing about Armageddon Angry is that his own pain is beyond description. He has been betrayed on a very deep level. Without a doubt, this is an abused child.

  There is something else that is obvious about the show itself. It has been guided by someone who is an authority in these matters. There is no listing in the credits, and no one at Peppiprod would admit to knowing who this guiding eminence is, but I am certain it will turn out to be a child psychologist of some renown. Perhaps an advisory group of them. I understand the reluctance of the producers to own up to this, the stamp of "Certified Good for You" being the kiss of death it so
often is in popular culture, but Sparky is now a big enough hit I would hope this professional would be willing to come forth and receive the congratulations that are due.

  In the meantime I and my children will be eagerly watching the coming episodes of Sparky and His Gang. I suggest you and yours do likewise.

  * * *

  * * *

  (attached addendum)

  MEMO FROM: Sparky Valentine

  TO: Production Department

  This guy thinks we have a headshrinker on the staff. I really hate to disillusion somebody who is doing us so much good with the educational crowd. How about a credit line next week: "Psychological Consultant—Rufus T. Firefly"?

  CC:

  Gideon Peppy

  Moe, Larry, Curly

  John Valentine (Triton, via LaserNet)

  * * *

  KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG"

  #5 Duncan Disorderly™

  Duncan found a taste for the booze at an early age. He likes to hang out with his pals, Al Kohol™, and Phelan Groovy™. They drink all day and most of the night, then spend the morning throwing up. Doesn't that sound like fun?

  Sparky sez: What is a drunken man like? Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman. One draught makes him a fool, the second angers him, and a third drowns him.

  COLLECT 'EM ALL!

  • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE

  * * *

  KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG"

  #9 N. U. Rhesus™

  Newton Ulysses? Or Naomi Ursula? Nobody seems to know. Rhesus is a monkylike critter, dressed in a nightshirt and a diaper. Toilet training was too tough a subject for little N. U. He or she still doesn't have it right. In simple terms, a bed wetter.

  Sparky sez: Incontinence ain't a sin, you know. Let he who is without fear throw the first wet Pamper. Reesey is a stand-up guy, er, whatever.

  COLLECT 'EM ALL!

  • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE

  * * *

  KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG"

  #16 Klepto Maine™

  When you shake hands with this guy, count your fingers after! Klepto figures he's just borrowing things you're not using. Maybe so.

  Sparky sez: He who steals my purse steals trash. It was mine, now it's his, and has been the slave of thousands. But he that filches from me my good name robs me of that which doesn't enrich him, and makes me a poor man.

  COLLECT 'EM ALL!

  • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE

  * * *

  KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG"

  #7 The Sexy Six: Rae Jean Hormonz™ Master Bates™ S.Trojan™ Tess Tosterone™ Min Arkey™ Seaman Plenty™

  You reached puberty yet? No? Hah! You think you got troubles now! These six can't seem to get it off their minds. On the other side is a typical group grope. For more about them, get the individual cards!

  COLLECT 'EM ALL!

  • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE

  * * *

  From the Grievance Committee

  Writers' Guild of Luna

  To: Gideon Peppy, President, Peppiprod, Inc.

  Dear Sir:

  It has come to the attention of this committee that you may be in violation of the WGL Minimum Basic Agreement. It has been alleged that you have appropriated characters and story lines developed and created by Writers' Guild member, Kenneth C. Valentine. It is further alleged that you did cause to be registered as trademarks these same characters, in violation of several Luna laws and interplanetary conventions. Attached please find a twenty-four-hour Cease and Desist Order. You are ordered to post this order prominently in the offices of Peppiprod, Inc., and upon the doors to any sets currently in use in the production of the television series Sparky and His Gang. This will serve to notify members of all the Crafts Unions that they may not work in your employ until this matter is resolved. A fact-finding hearing will convene at the Writers' Guild headquarters, 2100 The Alameda, King City, at 1000 hours tomorrow. You may feel free to bring legal representation and any documents, witnesses, or recordings that would substantiate your position in re ownership of these disputed characters and plot lines (see attached list). Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

  Trevor Jones

  Chairman, Grievance Committee

  of the Writers' Guild of Luna

  CC:

  Kenneth C. Valentine

  Kaspara Polichinelli

  D. Mentua Precox

  Summerfall Winterspring

  Melina Polichinelli

  Ambrose Wolfinger, M.S.W.

  Sam Mohammed

  Debbie Corlet

  Velma Crow, representing Actors' Equity

  John B. Valentine (Triton, via LaserNet)

  * * *

  from TRANSCRIPT, WGL HEARING

  Investigation of certain claims involving Gideon Peppy, and Peppiprod, a corporate entity chartered in the Republic of Luna.

  Meeting resumes after lunch and deliberations:

  CHAIRMAN: Mr. Peppy, it is the unanimous conclusion of this panel that you are in violation of the Minimum Basic Agreement.

  PEPPY: Violation, my fucking lollipop. This is a kangaroo court.

  CHAIR: When you signed the MBA, you agreed to abide by certain rules and accept the authority of this committee. You have a right to an appeal, of course, and one will be held in one week's time, right here.

  PEPPY: And I'll get sandbagged again. Oh, yeah, I know the drill. Sam! Debbie! You're a fucking Judas, Sam! And Debbie, you're a... a Judette! You thought you figured out which way the wind was blowing, you fucking jerks. Well, let me tell you, I ain't down yet. It ain't gonna be this easy to pick my fucking pocket.

  CHAIR: Mr. Peppy, these are informal proceedings, but we would appreciate it if you'd control your temper a little better.

  PEPPY: And fuck you, too!

  CHAIR: Is there something else you have to add?

  PEPPY: You fucking right I do. I was blindsided, that's what I was. I didn't even know the little prick was a member of the WGL!

  CHAIR: I fail to see how that changes anything. You were using his creative output. It was your responsibility to see that he was a member.

  PEPPY: You all think this is just a fucking coincidence. He joined up two days after I hired him! Now, why would he do that, do you think? Sure, I had him join Screen Actors, I was paying the stinkin' little turd to act! It's his goddamn father, that's who's behind this. They planned it! I spent two fucking million dollars to get rid of his sorry ass. Two million dollars just so I wouldn't have to look at his fucking face at the other end of the table, listen to his fucking voice.

  VALENTINE: You be careful what you say about my father.

  PEPPY: Oh, now we hear from the fucking peanut gallery. Oh, man! Sam, Debbie, you gonna work with this little shit, you watch your fucking back, you hear me? He can reach around you and stab you while he's shaking your fucking hand. Who do you think suggested we send daddy-o to Neptune?

  VALENTINE: That was his idea, Your Honor.

  PEPPY: Oh, yeah, I thought so, too, at first. He does that, you know. Then you think it over and you realize he's been leading you around the ring like a prize Pomeranian.

  CHAIR: You don't have to call me Your Honor, son.

  PEPPY: Is anybody listening to me?

  VALENTINE: I didn't know.

  PEPPY: He didn't know, he didn't know, he didn't fucking know! I think I'm gonna puke if I hear him say that again. C'mon, people, get me out of here before I start slugging him.

  VALENTINE: I really didn't know.

  CHAIR: That's all right, Sparky. We understand what happened.

  VALENTINE: No, this really bothers me. If I understand you right, I should have been reporting my writing work to you. I was just happy to have my characters on the show, I didn't realize I was doing wrong.

  PEPPY: Oh, my god, he's gonna cry. I'm gonna pound the shit out of him!

/>   CHAIR: Mr. Peppy! Grab him... don't let him...

  PEPPY: You little fuck! I been railroaded! I been screwed! You think it ends here, well, it don't end here, you're gonna see more of me...

  CHAIR: That's right, lock that door. I think somebody should call the police, too, in case he's still out there when we leave.

  CORLET: I'll handle that.

  CHAIR: Thank you. Now, Sparky, we understand it was through ignorance that you didn't report your creative work until you were made aware of it. It is significant that no one else on the production, people who knew the rules, alerted the WGL until we received the anonymous tip that began the investigation. Please don't worry about it. We exist to help writers, not persecute them. There will be a small fine levied, a warning attached to your dossier, and of course you'll have to pay a certain amount into the retirement fund. Other than that, I can't see that you've done anything to be ashamed of.

  VALENTINE: Thank you, Your Honor.

  CHAIR: I see no reason why any of you need to attend the appeal hearing next week. The evidentiary matters are already on record. If Mr. Peppy presents additional evidence, we will deal with it at the time. Mr. Secretary, I believe the sense of the committee was that this information be turned over to the proper authorities for investigation of copyright and trademark fraud. Please see that is done this afternoon. This committee will stand in recess until ten o'clock next Monday.