On the Hooves of Horses

by Emma Taylor

  “Like I said, it’s just different. Different is hard sometimes.”

  “Yeah, but different can be good, too.” He added.

  “I’m trying to get used to it.”

  “Well, I hope you do,” He spoke as his eyes bored into mine.

  “Because I could get used to you.”

  Reed has the ability to make me feel nervous and confident at the same time.

  “So tell me about you, though,” I said, changing the subject. “You never told me who lives here.”

  “Just me.” He said quietly, looking straight at me.

  “What? But it’s so big. What about your family? How do you afford it?”

  “You mean on my painters wage?” He mocked me. Oops.

  “It was left to me, Jayde. My mum left a long time ago. I was about four, I don’t really remember her. She left my dad for another man. I don’t think it lasted long but I did hear she started another family with someone else. I think she’s living in Adelaide. She has never tried to contact me and I never have her. It’s just been me and my dad for, well forever. He brought me up. He taught me so many things.”

  “How to cook?” I offered.

  “How to cook.” He smiled.

  “I’d love to meet him. What does he do for a living? A doctor, I bet.” I surmised looking around at the decadence. He was silent, waiting for my attention to return to him. Or perhaps he was silent in reflection.

  “I wish he had been a doctor. Maybe then he would have come up with a cure for liver cancer.” Oh crap. You idiot, Jayde.

  “Reed.” I began. He touched my leg.

  “My dad was diagnosed six months before he died. He was my life, Jayde. I miss him more and more each day.” I wanted to scream that I knew how he felt. He looked so open and vulnerable.

  “You can’t imagine the pain I went through losing him. One day he was there and the next day, he just slipped away.” My head began to spin.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t like talking about it. I normally don’t talk about it. It’s just.”

  “I’m sorry, Reed. I didn’t mean to be so nosey.”

  “It’s just, Jayde, it’s just that my dad died a little over twelve months ago. I decided to take off. I was going to backpack across Europe. I had my tickets, all paid for. My first port of call was a bit of partying in Greece. Then on the eve of my dad’s anniversary, I went out to the deck here and looked up for the biggest, brightest star and wished with all my heart. The biggest and brightest thing in the sky that night was the moon. A full moon.” Full moon? Reed made reference to a full moon the night he walked me home from the pub.

  “I wished to find someone that I could share my life with. Someone to help me forget that I was alone. I need a new journey Jayde. Two weeks later, you turned up. I knew straight away. My dad was a firm believer in kismet, fate, serendipity, things happening for a reason. There is always a re-routing opportunity when big things happen in your life. You can take one path and it can be detrimental to you or you can take the other path and it can be magical. I knew that I would be making a mistake by leaving and not getting to know you. I’m not saying that my dad had to die for me to meet you, but Jayde, you’re here in Tasmania for a reason and I stayed in Tasmania for a reason. Let me give you the chance to realise that I’m your reason.” Breathe. He’s touching my leg. His dark eyes look like liquid honey in the firelight. Breathe. I could see the torment and sadness he had endured. It was written all over his face. This beautiful face before me. Breathe. I carefully placed my half filled wine on the very large tree stump that had been lovingly made into a coffee table. Reed had my left hand cupped in his. With my now free hand, I reached up and stroked his face. I ran my fingers through his hair and noticed a welling in his eyes that were all too familiar. Trying so hard to hold them back, eyes piercing. I gently wiped one escaping tear before it could trigger the downpour. He closed his eyes firmly, locking them in for now. I leaned in and breathed him in. His masculinity. His vulnerability. His passion and his enthusiasm. My lips pressed so softly at first on his, that there were fleeting moments that I was unsure if they were even connecting. But they were. It was a connection where my lips ended and his began, feeling like a moulding of one. His lips moved with mine. He pulled me in closer and our kiss became more urgent. He kissed me with confidence and I responded vehemently. I had just enough wine to relax me. The fire was burning the perfect temperature and the suede couch was so soft I felt like I was engulfed in the fluffy white clouds we had seen earlier today. Not to mention this beautiful man in front of me. Man. Not boy. I had slept with two boys before. David Mason, when I was 16 was my first. We were friends and I still cringe at the thought. All our other friends had already had sex and we were the only ones who hadn’t. It was more out of intrigue, not knowing what all the fuss was about and boredom that we decided to have sex with each other. Bad, bad idea. Oh so awkward. Just weird and will probably be cringe worthy for the rest of my life. The other was Brodie James. Again, bad idea. He was a year or two older (but still a boy) and from the surf club near my school. Whose idea was it to put a high school near the beach anyway? So, of course Brodie was lovely. The typical blonde, tanned, surfer dude. He also liked females. Lots of females. I guess that I was just in that long line. Somewhere. I like to think I was early on in that line, but in reality, I’m sure I wasn’t one of his first. Certainly not the second person he ever had sex with, like me. Yet, they were a long time ago. With everything that has happened in between, it feels like a lifetime had passed. This is a new beginning. Perhaps Reed’s dad was right. If Haylie hadn’t committed suicide, we probably wouldn’t be here. Maybe that was Haylie’s final gift to me? Maybe we would’ve moved here anyway? I know mum wasn’t happy living in Queensland anymore. Time for a change, she started to say. Maybe it’s more like connecting the dots. They’re already there, we just fill in the spaces to get there. Or maybe life is just life. Things happen and we just keep going. Maybe we learn from it, maybe we don’t.

  “You’re distracted.” Reed offered.

  “Sorry. I was just thinking about what you said about your dad’s beliefs. Do you really think things happen for a reason?”

  “Sure. I’m a believer. I think God has the master plan. We can try to change things, but eventually, what’s meant to be will be. When traumatic events, or even just bad things happen, you have to wonder why? Where does it lead you to? You know, did you start going in the wrong direction? Is it Gods way to put you back on track? Sometimes it’s not for a long time that you work it out, but when you do, it’s like a light bulb going off in your head. An aha moment. You know?”

  Yeah, I think I do, although he didn’t give me a chance to reply.

  “Everything that happens in our lives make us who we are. Every action has a consequence and every consequence has a lesson. I’ve grown up a lot since my dad died. I’m not the same person. You might not have looked twice at me if I hadn’t.”

  “Oh, I doubt that.” I raised my eyebrows.

  “Either way, whatever event happened to allow you to move to Orford, Tasmania, I am eternally grateful.”

  Reed continued to talk more about his father. Once he started, it just flowed. I never mentioned Haylie. I don’t know why, it just didn’t feel right. He was going through so many emotions, it was probably the first time he had delved into it. He seemed so comfortable talking to me about his father’s death. Reed told me about his dad’s elderly respite nurse named Mavis. He thought the drugs she injected into his intravenous tubes were making the paintings on the walls come to life. That was in the final three weeks when the paranoia and delusions had set in. Reed told me how he had asked the specialists all the questions that he needed answering about the disease that would finally claim his father.

  How long does he have?

  At best, 6-8 months.

  Is there a cure?

  No, I’m sorry son, there isn’t.

  Why isn’t there a cure?

  We are worki
ng on it.

  Can his life be prolonged?

  Your father has a very aggressive cancer. Prolonging his life would only mean…

  Is he in pain?

  Your father’s cancer is very aggressive.

  Will he still know who I am?

  He will be strongly medicated.

  Will he remember me in the end? Will he remember his only child…?

  “I know they are just doing their jobs, but it’s hard to look at them and see nothing. It’s mechanical. I get it. I get that the doctors can’t be emotionally connected to their patients, but are they not connected to life itself?”

  No matter how much knowledge he armed himself with, it still didn’t prepare him for the destructive demise of his kind and intelligent father.

  “I needed answers Jayde. I needed to know.”

  I know that desire all too well.

  Though even with the answers he thought he so desperately needed, it still didn’t prepare him. How do you prepare for death? How do you let go when it’s all gone, but it’s all you have?

  “She was the sweetest lady, Jayde. My dad was so nasty to her. I know it was just the disease, but it was really hard to watch this fragile woman being subjected to my dad’s cruel intentions. In the end, he was put on a morphine drip. He died at our home.”

  It was past eleven o’clock before I realised the time.

  “I really should get home.” I said hesitantly. I felt so warm and protected here. The thought of entering into my mother’s ranting, judgmental arms ran cold shivers through my body.

  “Are you sure I can’t entice you to stay?” Reed playfully undid his top shirt button and shot me an incredibly corny look. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. He acted hurt, which only made me laugh louder.

  “Just because you live alone and can do what you please, doesn’t mean I can. My mum’s like Hitler these days.” I joked.

  “Ok, I will drop you home. On one condition, though. I need you tomorrow.”

  “You need me? To do what, exactly?” I asked suspiciously.

  “I need to help you with your lab and I need to give you a surprise.”

  “You need to give me a surprise? Sounds, well, I’m a little apprehensive about that. Besides, it’s going to have to wait. You do owe me a lab, but I promised I would catch up with Grace. So, how about you make a start on the lab, I’ll hang with Grace and then we can catch up later? Deal?”

  “Sounds like you have it all mapped out Miss Miller?” I nodded fatter-of-fact.

  “Well, I would hate to disappoint.” He smiled.

  “You couldn’t disappoint me, Reed.” Far from it.

  My parents house was in total darkness when I got home.

  “Nice of them to leave a light on.”

  “I’ll walk you up.”

  “I had a nice time today.” I offered when we reached the porch. “So did I. I really like spending time with you. So tomorrow sometime?” He placed his hand on the small of my back.

  “Tomorrow sometime.”

  He leant down and cupped my chin. His body pressed lightly on mine, kissing me, I could feel his firmness. It excited me. I found myself gently rolling my pelvis against him. My head began to swirl with feelings of pleasure and nerves. I pulled back softly, realising that I had stopped breathing. I laughed, disguising my desperate need for oxygen.

  “Tomorrow.” I said. Reed gave me a quick kiss on the forehead before returning to his ute. It wasn’t until the headlights flashed up onto the patio that I saw her sitting there in the corner on the swinging wicker chair.

  “Nice day sweetheart?” Mum chimed.

  “Oh, you startled me. Why are you out here?”

  “I didn’t mean to. I was waiting for my daughter. You see, she left earlier today and I haven’t heard from her since. No phone call, no text. Nothing. After all we’ve been through, Jayde, you chose now to become rebellious?”

  “I’m not being rebellious, Mum. Maybe a little more independent. Look I am really sorry. Time just flew. I just got carried away.” I explained, sitting down on the swinging chair.

  “Carried away? How far did you go Jayde?” Oh, I just realised what she meant.

  “Mum, I think we did the mother/daughter sex talk years ago.”

  “Jayde, you should be able to talk to me about sex.”

  “Reed and I didn’t have sex. Even if we did, that’s my choice and it’s probably not something I would talk about…with you or anyone. He took me to this amazing lookout and I shot like 50 frames. He cooked me dinner and we just talked. That’s it. We just got carried away talking. I’m sorry for not calling, I should be more considerate especially under the circumstances.”

  “You really like him? This Reed boy?”

  “Twenty-five is hardly a boy, Mum. But, yes I do. And he likes me. He’s a good guy, Mum.”

  “Like Sebastian?” She asked referring to Haylie’s boyfriend of three years.

  “Oh Mum, Seb and Haylie’s relationship was always volatile.”

  “Volatile? Is that how you would describe it? I’d say juvenile, impetuous.”

  “Really? They fought intensely and passionately sure, but they also loved each other intensely and passionately. They couldn’t live with each other and couldn’t live without each other.”

  “Don’t scoff at the dead.”

  “I’m not scoffing, Mum. They were made for each other. Their trials and tribulations made things exciting.”

  “If that’s the way you saw it.”

  “Well, yeah, that is the way I remember them. They were completely in love. Perhaps too much.”

  “Hmmph.”

  “Now who’s scoffing? I’m going to bed.” I bent down and kissed her on the forehead. I could smell an intoxicating vinegar stench. In the corner, I made out a faint outline of a wine bottle.

  “Night Mum. You should go to bed too.” I said gently.

  “Sure. I will soon.”

  SIX

  I wake in the morning to find myself huddled in the corner of my bedroom, trembling and shaking.

  “You’re scaring me, Haylie.” I sobbed. I feel like I’m going mad. She’s getting so angry with me. I don’t know what you want! I scream in my head. I don’t even know how I got here, curled up in the foetal position, I don’t feel comforted. I feel an overwhelming guilt of betrayal.

  I met Grace at the local cafe. It was actually the fish and chip shop, but Grace assured me they made the best cup of coffee on the East Coast. And she was right. That distinct aroma of caffeine hit all my senses with a bang. It was exactly what I needed.

  “Thought a girly chat would be better here than the madness at my house.”

  I looked at her quizzically.

  “Well, everyone’s meant to be at school, but three of my lovely brothers have decided they are sick. Sick my arse. You would think with six kids, my parents would be onto it. I actually do think Samual is sick, but Ronan and Thomas are playing on it. Will doesn’t work, he lost his job at the oyster farm about a month ago, so I was busting to get out of there. He’s the oldest, he can deal with it,” she said.

  “Wow, I can’t even imagine.”

  “Sometimes I think it’s just easier for mum and dad to turn a blind eye. I know I’d go insane if I were them.”

  “Insanity is on the order for today.” I laughed nervously.

  Grace eyed me off while she sugared her coffee.

  “So come on, spill the beans.”

  “Huh?”

  “Reed Harper.” She rolled her doe eyes at me. A smile began to creep across my face. I tried to rein it back in, but it had other intentions.

  “I’m seeing him later on.” I began. “He took me on The Thumbs walk yesterday. Then back to his place. Wow, that’s quite impressive.” I looked up and saw an interrogating face. “Oh, no. He cooked me dinner. Promise, only kissing…but lots of it.” I blushed. A smile began to form on Grace’s face.

  “Ok, just be careful.” She warned. “Did he tell you ab
out his dad?”

  “Yeah.” I said flatly, recalling my foot in mouth moment.

  “That’s when we broke up.” Oh, that was the wrong timing he had told me about. The one Rachel backed up. But why should Grace hate him over that?

  “I don’t hate him, Jayde.” Did she just read my mind?

  “He pushed me away when he was dealing with everything, but what was worse than that was he slept with Kelly Lowndes, while we were still together. He didn’t even try and justify it with an excuse. No, Oh, I was drunk, or she came onto me or even an apology, still to this day. That was it. In one moment, one stupid moment, he changed us forever. We had been happy, we’d been friends for years and it just ended. He made that choice.”

  “Every action has a consequence and every consequence has a lesson.” I recalled last night’s conversation.

  “Ah, ok sensei.” Grace laughed.

  “Maybe you guys weren’t meant to be together? Maybe you were just meant to be friends.”

  “But that’s my point, Jayde. We’re not even friends anymore. That’s what I miss. I’m not hung up on him, I don’t look at him like that anymore, but we were friends once and now, we’re not.”

  “I’m sorry.” Was all that would come out of my mouth.

  “Now Lucas on the other hand.” She said. “He doesn’t make much sense, but I’ll have fun trying to figure him out.”

  I told Grace about Lucas’ awkwardness on Saturday night when I had mentioned her name to him. I thought she could try and decipher his actions, but I also told her so I could think too. If Reed and Grace were still together when I came to Orford and if Reed had been infatuated with me as he has been, perhaps I’d be the reason they weren’t together and then I wouldn’t be friends with Grace and I didn’t want that because I liked Grace. She was the closest person to remind me of Haylie and I needed that. Reed had pushed her away for a reason, even if he didn’t know why, I think I did.

  It was four in the afternoon before I arrived home. The painter’s van was visible through the trees from the road. Reed and his Uncle Ross had finished the inside of the house. Both mum and dad had helped immensely. They had renovated four houses in their lives together. Two before Haylie and I were born. One house they completely gutted when we were about two years old. I have no idea how they did it with the two of us running around or even why they attempted to do it, but in the end it paid off for them, setting them up for their next project.