On the Hooves of Horses

by Emma Taylor

  It has been just over a week since Ross and Vi set off on their adventure around Australia. Grace has also headed off for a few days to visit Andrea. It appears that she got herself a job, which lucky for me was in Strahan, the opposite side of Tasmania. I really couldn’t care less if I never see Andrea again. Reed has been busy with work. He’s taken on two extra guys to help out whilst Ross is away. Training them is starting to wear thin on his patience! Poor Reed, some people just work better alone. That has given me plenty of time to get ready for Dad’s return. He is due back on the weekend and I’m looking forward to spending more time with him. We have always gotten along well, but since Haylie’s death, he has been distant and understandably strained. I think it will do us all good to spend some quality time together.

  “Reed, Thom is back on the weekend, you will just have to come over for tea. Perhaps Saturday night?” Mum suggested as we ate home made pizzas around the island bench in the kitchen. I kept glancing sideways at Reed, recalling our encounter here. The memory made my body tingle.

  “Yeah, awesome. I haven’t really spent that much time with Thom. I should get to know him a bit better.”

  “Whatever for?” Mum asked quizzically.

  “Me?” I said high pitched. “Just a suggestion.”

  “Of course.” She laughed.

  Reed squirmed in his seat. “It was really nice of you to invite me over for tea tonight, Mrs. Miller. It’s been so crazy at work, I’m glad I don’t have to go home and cook.” Reed said reaching for another slice of pizza.

  “Please, I’ve told you before, it’s Louise! Please, call me Louise. You are welcome in my home anytime. But, I thought you had that other lady staying with you? What was her name? Rose? Yes, Rose, doesn’t she cook for you?”

  “Rose, no,” Reed laughed. “She’s a very busy lady herself.”

  “Yeah, Mum, Rose has the wood work shop in the main street. Not everyone can stay home and iron sheets and pillow cases all day.” I laughed.

  “Really, Jayde? Is that really what you think I do with my time?” She looked hurt. “I do a lot more than you think. Besides, I don’t think that woman’s playing with all her marbles.”

  “Mum,” I hissed. “You can’t say that. She’s Reed’s family.”

  “Technically she’s not family. Of course I do love her to bits, but you of all people, Jayde, have to admit that she is a little left of centre.” Reed smiled.

  “What does that mean?” Mum asked sidling up to Reed, like she was about to get the latest town gossip.

  “Jayde and Rose have had some…encounters.”

  “I knew it! I didn’t get a good vibe from her at the party,”

  “That’s funny, she didn’t get a good vibe from you before the party.” I retaliated.

  “But I never met the woman before the party.” Mum stated.

  “Exactly.”

  After we helped mum clear away the plates from the evening, Reed and I retreated up to my bedroom.

  “Why do you let her get under your skin?” Reed asked.

  “Damned if I know.”

  “Calm down, it’s me, ok?” He said gently. “You really shouldn’t let her bother you. It’s not worth it. You get so uptight. You are better than that, Jayde.”

  “Oh, Reed. I don’t know why. Mum always managed to push Haylie’s buttons, but she never really bothered me. But lately…”

  “You. Are. Not. Haylie,” he said slowly.

  “Yeah, I know, she just antagonizes me. I think it might be time to get my own place. I’m sure we’ll get along like we use to then.”

  “Which was?”

  “Good. I mean Mum’s, mum. She’s an easy target and that is fun, but it never used to be such a competition between us.”

  “And therein lies the problem!” He announced. I looked at him, confused.

  “Not following.”

  “Well, look at things from her perspective. She’s never achieved anything other than her children—that’s not a bad thing.” He added quickly. “But maybe she wants more from life? Maybe she has lost a little of herself along the way? Maybe she’s jealous? Maybe she woke up one day and realised that her life is passing by while her beautiful daughter’s has just begun.”

  “Maybe she wants my stud boyfriend?” I enthused.

  “Yeah, babe, that’s wrong on so many levels. But do you see what I’m saying?”

  “Sort of like a mid life crisis?” I suggested.

  “Or maybe just life’s wake up call.” He said.

  “Hey, what were you two talking about on the lounge at Ross and Vi’s party?” Reed’s eyes diverted.

  “Reed Harper. I want to know.” I demanded.

  “Ok, ok, sprung. It was meant to be a surprise…”

  “The jacket? I already know about the jacket. It was the nicest thing for you to do that for me.” I gushed.

  “Yep, yep, the jacket.” He said shadily.

  “No. It wasn’t the jacket? You are up to something.” I accused.

  “No, seriously, it was the jacket. Louise told me she let it slip to you. Here, I have the ticket, I was going to surprise you with it when I took you out for dinner in town next week, but I guess there goes another surprise.” He rolled his eyes and laughed at himself.

  “I guess I’m just going to have to let it go,” I smiled. “You and your surprises.” Reed smiled at me nervously. I eyed him suspiciously.

  “Your mum makes me feel…uncomfortable sometimes.”

  “How do you mean? She thinks the sun shines out of your arse.”

  “That’s just it, she gets a little too close to me sometimes. It makes me feel a bit on edge. Look, I’m sure it’s nothing. Just forget I said anything, ok? I’m probably reading more into it than what it is.”

  “Yeah, sure.” I replied, but I didn’t feel resolved with this answer. I don’t think Reed, either.

  I opened my eyes in the morning to complete darkness. I find it strange having so little daylight, but I’m slowly adjusting to the Tasmania way of life. It looks bitterly cold outside today. Robust grey clouds have formed and are sitting outside my window, threatening to rupture at any stage. At least the winds have died down, just as Lucas had promised. They were quite fierce at times, picking up all in its wake, fallen branches, dead leaves and loose grass never standing a chance. Tossing them to the side to discard when no longer needed.

  Dad was due back today. Mum drove to the Hobart airport to pick him up. I overheard him telling mum how tired he was. She explained to me after their brief phone call that there had been a medical issue with one of dad’s team. Luckily for Dad it wasn’t whilst on his watch, however, it had still rattled him to his core. I feel for him, being there without us for support. He shouldn’t be there alone. 3000 men, I guess he isn’t alone, but when you have lived through the pain that we have, you are always alone. Craig Lambert, a father of two had become trapped in machinery, causing the loss of his left arm. It was still intact, but the nerve damage was so bad, the arm was rendered useless. Naturally OH&S were bought in along with the union reps. In all the years that dad has been doing this, he only ever had a few scrapes and bruises. It’s always in the backs of our minds that something bad like that could happen to him. He had seen men lose limbs, become paralysed and even one death, but that was decades ago, when dad was just beginning and before work place standards reigned supreme. A long haul this time, for all involved. I spent my morning organising the house for Dad’s arrival home. Reed was coming for tea tonight, so I began the prep work for that, also. I still had a niggling feeling though. There were still questions unanswered, not everything aligned and I need to get to the bottom of it. Haylie needs me to get to the bottom of it. As much as I tried to focus on my domestic duties, my mind kept betraying me. All the events of my recent life played over and over, waiting for me to piece the puzzle together that is my life.

  Clearing through my wardrobe, it dawned on me that I had to get Haylie’s jacket back. It is still sub zero Anta
rctic temperatures outside. It wasn’t my only source of warmth, I did purchase another jacket when we first arrived here, but I don’t have an emotional attachment to that one. That jacket meant the world to Haylie and so it means the world to me. I had a dreaded fear rush over me. I can’t believe I’ve let it out of my sight for so long! Mental note: pilgrimage to town this week to collect it. With or without Reed. He’s so busy, I couldn’t possibly ask him to take time off work just to come with me, especially just to collect a jacket. For me though, it’s not just a jacket. It’s hope. Hope that when I put it on, that I can still feel her. Hope that I can still smell her, breathe her in. I need to get that jacket back. I just hope that after being dry cleaned, it still smells like Haylie. Please let it still smell like her, please.

  I was still standing there when Mum’s car rolled into the driveway. A smile spread on my face when I a caught a glimpse of Dad in the passenger’s seat. He looked weary, I suspect from the turbulent weeks he had just endured, but a look of relief was under there somewhere, too. Relief he is home with his family. I ran down stairs, stopping in my tracks on the fifth step. The creak! Back with a vengeance this time. I must have a look later. Reed said some of our unopened moving boxes were under there. There wasn’t a huge amount of storage in the house, but under the staircase, tucked away from view, there was plenty of room. The front door flung open. My dad stood there, momentarily. “Jayde, honey,” he threw his arms up in the air. “Baby girl, it’s so good to see you.” Running up and embracing him like I always have, I smiled. “Welcome back Dad.”

  It was good to see him again. We all chatted over dinner. Mum had made Dad’s favourtie meal, lamb roast with baby potatoes and rich, dark chocolate pudding for dessert. An uncomplicated meal, for an uncomplicated man.

  “Tell me all about the work you have done since I’ve been away.” Dad enthused after dinner. Reed stood up. “Here, I’ll clear the table, let you two catch up some more.”

  “I’ll help.” Mum jumped up, grabbing some empty plates.

  “Do you have much to show me or haven’t you got that far?” Dad smiled.

  “Look, I’ve had stacks of time and I have done a lot of work, but just haven’t developed any. It is on my to do list, though!” I laughed.

  “All in due time, dear. All in due time.” He looked distant.

  “Jayde?” Dad said softly. Oh, here we go…

  “The medication?”

  “I’m fine, Dad.”

  “But Jayde, you know it’s only there to help you.”

  “I said I am fine. You don’t need to go on with this.” I said calmly.

  “Well I just don’t think it’s a very good idea.”

  “What’s not a good idea, Thom?” Mum asked coming back for the other plates.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea that Jayde has stopped her medication.” Mum looked back and forth from me to Dad and quietly retreated. Wise move, mum.

  “Not a good idea for me or for you? Because I can handle this, Dad. The question is, can you?” It’s true. He knew it just as much as I did. He didn’t want to medicate me to stop the dreams, he wanted me medicated so he wouldn’t have to endure them. I can’t blame him completely for that because he is really living a nightmare day in and day out. Anything to help him through that was a good thing and under any other circumstances, I would do it tenfold, but this was different. I didn’t need the medication because it made no difference to my dreams anymore. I needed to be aware of what was happening because I needed to help Haylie. I needed to look deeper.

  “There is no budging on this issue, is there?” he asked gently.

  “I have this under control. Trust me on this.”

  “I’m afraid I have heard those words before.” His dark eyes began to well. What have I done?! Don’t back down now, Jayde.

  “Dad? Are you ok with this?”

  “Your mind is made up. I do trust you. You are an adult now, your own person. I just hope everything works out.” He smiled. It was a weak smile, but it was still a smile and I will take that.

  “Hope,” I said, moving over to sit on his knee. “Hope is a remarkable thing to have.”

  Reed and I sat outside on the patio after dinner with a Bailey’s Irish cream to warm our bellies. It was getting late and the wind had died right down. It was eerily calm.

  “Hey, do you mind if we stay at my place tonight?” Reed asked.

  “Why is that? Does my dad make you nervous?” I laughed.

  “No, but your mother does.” He blurted. “She is a very touchy person isn’t she?”

  “Why do you say that? Is everything ok?”

  “Sure, sure it is. She makes me uneasy, that’s all. Look, I just think it would be easier if we lived together, Jayde. I don’t see why you are holding back on this one. If you’re worried it’s not going to work out, don’t be because I’m in love with you and I know we are meant to be. I’m not going to hurt you, Jayde. I’ll never hurt you.”

  “How do you know, Reed? I mean how do you really know?”

  “I just do. I have waited for you. When my dad died, I gave up hope of ever having happiness again. But then something happened and I knew I would meet you and now I have gained so much more. You’re my best friend, Jayde. I am completely and utterly in love with you and I am ready to begin our life journey together. But I can’t do that until you are ready to let go of your past and ready to move on.”

  “What are you saying, Reed? That I have to stop honouring my sister’s life?”

  “No of course not, but there is a difference between honouring her life and obsessing her death.”

  “Obsessing?! Is that what you think?”

  Reed put his head down and spoke softly. “Yes, Jayde. I think you are taking things too far. I mean, what really happened in the woods when you ripped her jacket? I saw the sketches, Jayde, they’re kind of twisted.”

  “What were you doing 6 months after your dad died, Reed? Drinking and sleeping around.” I blurted.

  “Jayde, that’s not fair. You just need to drop it and move on.” My blood was boiling. “Ha! Move on!? You want me to move on?” I jumped to my feet.

  “From obsessing over Haylie’s suicide,” he said quietly.

  “Move on indeed, Mr. Harper. You’re the one who can move on.” I said, slamming and locking the front door behind me.

  * * *

  My head ached this morning. Apart from the one nightcap of whiskey I had on the patio with Reed last night, a few more followed. I was so angry with him I decided to finish the bottle. Now I am just angry with myself. How can he not support me on this? I have to find out why my sister committed suicide. There was no grieving time restriction on him when his father died. Why should there be for me?

  “Honey, Grace is on the phone,” Mum said, popping her head around my bedroom door. I groaned as I grabbed the doona and pulled it over my head. “Tell her I’m still asleep.” Normally, my mum would pull back the covers and lecture me on the correct way to do things. ‘Up, Jayde. Don’t be so rude. I’m not lying for you.’ But today was different. Today I heard the door close and click into place. I heard her footsteps one at a time placed ever so slowly on her descent of the stairs. I heard the creak in the fifth step. I could hear my heart beating rhythmically, my lungs filling with air, rising and falling. Yes, today was different.

  I headed down to Spring Beach and found a spot to sit. I love any beach, but in the short time I’ve lived here, this beach feels like it belongs to me and I belong to it. The waters were a murky mill pond. Eerily calm on the surface. What made me shudder was the thought of what lay beneath. Something had stirred deep below because the top of the ocean was dark brown in colour, like the remnants of a long standing coffee brew. It was here, by the water’s edge that I contemplated my next move. I was pissed off with Reed, more pissed off at his suggestion, rather because I guess deep down I knew he was right. It wasn’t fair to take it out on him, I just didn’t know how to deal with this. How do people d
eal with grief? Deal with that desperate burning desire to fix things just as they were? Coming to terms with the fact that you can’t fix it, you can’t bring them back, but how are you supposed to live after that? How do you move on, take the next step forward when you don’t even know if you are even standing at all?

  “You know for a hot blooded Queenslander, you do spend an awful lot of time in the harsh Tasmanian elements.”

  “Oh, Lucas!” I turned, engulfing him with my embrace.

  “Whoah, you ok?” he asked, trying to pry me from his body.

  “Yeah, sorry. I’m sorry.” I retreated.

  “No, babe. Please, what’s up?”

  “Look, it’s nothing, really. Just been a little…”

  “Come, sit.” He said, pulling a blanket from his duffle bag.

  “Why do you have a blanket?” I asked.

  “Because it’s cold.” He said slowly, like speaking to a child. I punched him playfully.

  “Yeah I know that! But I mean why did you bring a blanket to the beach in a Tasmanian Winter?” I asked, sitting on the blanket.

  “Because…it’s…cold.” He repeated, slower this time. I laughed at him. Lucas smiled at me.

  “I like to come down here and just look out to the ocean. I find it very…therapeutic. Good for the soul.”

  “Good for the soul? It looks so lonely at times.” I said, staring into the loneliness.