On the Hooves of Horses

by Emma Taylor

  “Mum!” I yelped in excitement. “Mum!”

  “Whoa, there.” Dad said as I ran into him.

  “Sorry Dad, I thought you were just coming up the drive now. But it doesn’t matter, actually it’s better.” I raved with adrenalin.

  “Calm down. Before you say another word, call that boyfriend of yours, he’s been ringing all day. And find your damn mobile phone.” Mum said sounding annoyed.

  “Oh, that’s ok, he can wait.” I said.

  “No, Jayde. I think you should call him tonight. Quite frankly, he has been a pest. You should also start to bring some distance between him and yourself. I’m not so sure I like his control over you.” Dad added.

  My head was exploding with disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

  “You can’t be serious, Jayde?” Mum added her contribution to parenting for the day. “Did you think we wouldn’t notice the bruised eye?”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake! You have got to be shitting me. Reed never hurt me. Christ! Look, that’s irrelevant right now. I have some news. Something that is going to shake everything up.” I said intensely.

  “Jayde!” Reed called, stampeding through the front door, carrying a yellow envelope.

  “Jayde, I have to talk to you.” He blurted, not making eye contact with either of my parents. I ran over to him.

  “Reed, I am so glad you’re here. I want you to hear this as well.” I beamed.

  “But, Jayde, I really need to talk to you.” He pleaded.

  “I’m sorry, babe, but it’s going to have to wait…I found a note. From Seb.” I began. “Mum, Dad, it wasn’t suicide. They didn’t kill themselves.”

  “Bloody hell, Jayde. See, this is why you need to be medicated.” Dad ranted.

  “She does not need medication.” Reed defended through gritted teeth.

  “Look at the note. When I first got it, I thought it was a suicide note but when you read it and see the passion, feel the passion…it wasn’t the end. It was the beginning.” I pleaded for them to see it like I did.

  “Don’t be so caught up in fantasy, Jayde.” Mum said.

  Reed scoffed, rather loudly and defiantly.

  “Who do you think you are? Coming into my house. Who the hell invited you?” Dad was mad. His face was shaking in anger. It was a vicious mask I have only seen on him once before. Right now, he was ready to explode and it scared me.

  “Actually, Thom, your wife did,” Reed finally turned to look at Mum. “You know, at first, I thought it was just a nice friendship forming. She asked me over a lot, I did the odd job around the house, I didn’t think anything of it. Then it got a little weird. A bit touchy, feely, Thom, if you know what I mean? I wondered if I was over reacting, but when it started to make me feel uncomfortable, I knew something was not right. Then I saw Sebastian’s photos and I knew then that something was definately not right.” He said.

  Reed threw the yellow envelope onto the kitchen island bench, spilling its contents.

  “Look at the photos.” He said softly.

  “Reed? What’s going on?” I asked confused.

  “Just look at the photos, Jayde.” He said again, regretfully. Yet he didn’t stop me. No one stopped me. Why didn’t anyone stop me?

  “They’re of Sebastian?…Oh!” I froze still in this moment. Did everything else? I couldn’t hear my heart beating. I couldn’t feel my blood running through my veins. I couldn’t feel my legs. Was I still standing? The only obvious sign that I was still alive was the warm, salty trickle of wet I felt sliding down my cheek.

  SIXTEEN

  “It’s not what you think, Jayde.” Mum came rushing over to me. I looked at her in disbelief.

  “What on earth do you mean? These photos tell me exactly what it is.” I stared at the photos that Reed had thrown on the island bench. The photos that he had developed for me. The ones he had found in a box under the creaky step. Sebastain’s photos. I expected to see Seb in them. I expected to see Haylie in them, but I didn’t expect to see her in them.

  “A picture tells a thousand words.” I repeated Rose’s warning. There were six photos in total. I don’t know if Reed had others or not. It didn’t really matter. These ones painted the picture pretty clearly. Mum had Seb in an embrace, she was smiling ear to ear. One of her kissing Seb on the cheek. There was another three of her without her clothes on in varying positions. The last two were blurred through my tears. What were you thinking Seb? What was my mother thinking?

  “Well, that would make you want to jump off a cliff.”

  “Jayde, she didn’t commit suicide.” Dad said softly.

  “Thom, she did!” Mum roared.

  “Yes, Louise, but she wouldn’t have if I…”

  “If you wouldn’t have what, Dad?” I asked suspiciously. The tired weary man looked to the ground. My Mum’s eyes flickered in a furious, yet silent rant. I turned to face Reed, who was approaching me with his warm and protective arms.

  “Dad? What did you do?” I hissed.

  “It was an accident, Jayde. Please don’t turn this into anything more than what it was, Thom.” Mum said.

  “Thom?” Reed asked. “What happened? Did Haylie jump from the cliff? That’s all Jayde has ever wanted to know. She just wants the truth. She deserves the truth.” Dad raised his head slowly. He smiled weakly at Mum. She retreated to his opened arms, curling in like a small child needing protection from the big, bad world. “It’s time, Louise. I have this under control, trust me on this.”

  “I think you’ve heard that one before.” She smiled meekly. Dad breathed in deeply. For courage, for hope or perhaps just to make sure he was still alive. The pain hadn’t stopped, the torment was evident and the carnage created was everywhere.

  “You had an affair with your daughter’s boyfriend!” I screamed.

  “You don’t know what it’s like, Jayde. What my life is like.” She defended.

  “At least you still have one! Look at his face, Mum. Look at my father. Look what you have done, all because your life is so, is so what? Tell me what the fuck your life is like to have an affair with your daughter’s boyfriend? You disgust me.” I spat.

  “Jayde, stop it. Your mother gave up so much for you and your sister and for me. She gave up her ballet, her career, her friends. Do you know that she was accepted in the Australian ballet? But instead devoted all of herself to our family. I put a great burden on her with my career.” Dad was talking to me, but looking only at my Mum.

  “You can’t be serious, Thom?” Reed questioned.

  “What would you know about a mother’s love, Reed? A mother’s sacrifice? Your Mum left you when you were 4 years old.” Dad said.

  “In a biological sense, yes, you are right. But the love I had from Vi was more motherly and tender and honest and natural than you would think possible. Just because you bore a child, Louise, doesn’t make you a mother.”

  “You have no right to stand here in my house and judge me.” Mum hissed.

  “I’m not judging you. You can try and justify your actions for whatever reasons, but at the end of the day, if you don’t learn from your mistakes, if you keep treading down that same path…” Reed said.

  “She did try to hit on you?” I said. “Reed, I didn’t believe you.”

  “You didn’t want to believe it, that’s all. Trust me, I didn’t want to believe it either. A friendly hand on the shoulder, a slight brush of her body against mine, but when she grabbed me, when she kissed the back of my neck…well, there was no mistaking that.” Reed looked at Mum.

  “Every action has a consequence and every consequence has a lesson. Have you learnt yours, Louise?” Reed questioned. I shook my head in anger.

  “I gave up so much for you and your sister, Jayde. Do you think I’ve had a good life? Do you think I’m satisfied? Don’t you think I could’ve done more with my life than raise two ungrateful children? Wait patiently for my husband to come back from working away just so I could play happy house wife again?”

&
nbsp; “You’re not even sorry. It’s still all about you! I don’t give a damn about your pathetic could have been life. Haylie knew exactly what you were like. That’s why you never got along. She saw straight through you.”

  “Jayde, this is getting out of control.” Dad said.

  “What happened to Haylie?” I sobbed. “You owe me that. She was trying to reach out to me, wasn’t she?”

  “When the nightmares began, it was bad, but bearable.” Dad started.

  “Then you started saying things.”

  “It was easier to deal with when you didn’t say things…” Mum said softly. The last 9 months literally flashed through my mind. Everything that had happened led to this moment. Every action, every course, every word spoken, every vision led me to here and now.

  “You kept saying ‘look deeper’ over and over again. We couldn’t have you figuring out the truth of how Haylie died.”

  “As opposed to the medication and the heartache I have been dealing with anyway? You persuaded me to take meds. Dad, you were more for it than anyone. What kind of parents are you?”

  “Jayde, we just couldn’t let you know how it happened.” Mum added.

  “Listen to yourself. You’re trying to justify this? I need to know.”

  “Haylie did commit suicide. Sebastian and I were arguing. He wanted to take your sister to Sydney and start afresh. We scuffled. It was an accident-really. It was just like in the police report. He lost his footing on the cliff and he started falling. I did try to pull him back. I didn’t want this to happen. He was like a son to me.”

  “It all happened so quickly. All in the heat of the moment. She just let go, Jayde. She went with him.” Mum stared crying.

  “But the police report never mentioned an affair. The joggers on the beach that day would never have been able to hear what was said on the cliff face. You lied. You lied about your own daughters death. For what? To save your own backs. To keep up the appearances. Dad, you went along with this, this scheme?”

  “Along with it? Jayde, you underestimate me at times. It was my idea. I love your mother more than anything. I would protect her till the day I die.” He said proudly.

  “But you knew she had an affair. How can you forgive that?” I asked.

  “Don’t judge me, Jayde. I wonder how far would you go for love?”

  “Haylie loved Sebastian and chose to go with him. Dramatic till the end. Her own version of Romeo and Juliet.” Mum said.

  “Oh, Louise, don’t glorify this.” Reed said.

  “Haylie loved me and chose to show me the truth.” I said.

  “It was an accident,” Dad added. “It was never meant to end like that. I wish with all my heart that it didn’t go that way…”

  “But it did. There was never a creak in the step till you put Haylie’s boxes under the stairs. Katrina gave you Seb’s photo reels for a reason. I ripped Haylie’s jacket for a reason. The nightmares were happening for a reason!” I yelled.

  Haylie had been reaching out to me. All the while when I was medicated, I couldn’t see it.

  “She was trying to warn me.” I whispered.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. That’s all circumstantial. You don’t believe in all that nonsense.” Mum said.

  “You might think it’s nonsense, but I’ll take my chances with the supernatural any day over the lies that you fed me. You did this to Reed, too.”

  I looked over at my beautiful Reed. He had been pulling back from Mum for a while, but I just didn’t get it.

  “Two of the people that I love the most have been lying to me all along, yet, the one person that’s new in my life, has been nothing but honest with me the whole time.” I said.

  “I think your Dad is right, Reed.” I continued. “Everything does happen for a reason. Haylie’s jacket. The stairs that led to the photos. Your father. Andrea pushing me off the cliff at Mariah. I was falling that day, but something pushed me back to safety. The little girl at Richmond. Moving here. Meeting Lucas, meeting Rose…meeting you.” I smiled at him. He smiled back, offering me his hand. “All that cannot be circumstantial.”

  I glanced over at my parents. I should have screamed and ranted. I should have cried and sobbed. I should have told them how I hated them for lying to me. But I didn’t. I didn’t need to.

  “I forgive you.” I whispered.

  “What?” My Mum asked through tears.

  “I said I forgive you.”

  “You forgive me?” She asked.

  “No Mum. I forgive Haylie.” I grabbed Reed’s hand and headed for the door. I heard my mother drop to the shiny floor boards in her clean and perfect cottage kitchen. She landed down, making a thud. Dropped in defeat. Wondering where she went wrong in her life. Sobs were escaping her mouth in random convulsions. Was she crying for Haylie or for me? She was probably crying for herself. I didn’t turn back to comfort her or to fight her or to feel sorry for her or even to be angry with her. I just simply left her.

  I reach for the door handle, knowing that this is the end to my torment, my pain. The end of Haylie’s transition. In the aftermath of Haylie’s death, all I wanted was answers. I wanted to know why she had to die? I wanted to know who I was without her? I don’t regret finding out the answers, as painful as they are, my only regret is not finding the strength in myself sooner. Haylie always believed in me. I just needed to believe in myself. I will be ok. I am good. I know this now. I have found comfort in the arms of Reed. Looking at him, knowing that he has stood by me and knowing that he will continue to stand by me. We stepped off the patio of my parents house together. Feet landing on the cobblestone driveway. The cold harshness of the Tasmanian Winter was no longer a foreign feeling to me. It felt clean. I felt clean. I should be sad for all the loss I have encountered. Two years, three years ago, if you had told me where I would be now, I would never had believed it. I would never have thought that happiness would spring from the dramas and the trauma. My journey has been enormous, the losses, enormous, but so have the gains. I look at Reed and smile. I guess sometimes, the end really is just the beginning.

  THE END

  To find out more about this book or contact the author, please visit:

  www.vividpublishing.com.au/onthehoovesofhorses