Stand By Your Hitman

by Leslie Langtry

  Lex walked into the jungle a ways and returned with a foot-long piece of bamboo. I watched in amazement for ten minutes as he turned it into the perfect peashooter. Now, I would’ve done it a little differently, but I kept my mouth shut and helped him search the sand for pebbles.

  A howler monkey dangled overhead at just the right moment. Lex put a pebble in his mouth and fired through the tube. The monkey howled in protest as he fled the scene. I knew the animal wasn’t hurt, just angry.

  I kissed Lex on the cheek, and he pulled back in surprise.

  “What do I get that for?”

  “Because that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” It may have sounded dramatic, but it was true. This man was the first person who ever made something for me. And I thought it was terribly romantic.

  We decided to head back and show everyone our new howler-monkey deterrent. Isaac, Silas and Sami were sitting around the fire.

  Sami sighed as we joined them in midconversation. “Those poor bastards over at Inuit. I don’t think they’ve eaten anything but fruit for the past few days.”

  I sat up. “I’ve got an idea.” I pointed at the crew. “We’ll let you in on it, providing you don’t show the footage to anyone until the show is wrapped.”

  Bert shrugged and Ernie nodded. Clearly loyalty to the show was a small matter to them.

  I filled everyone in and they immediately agreed. Well, Silas mostly agreed. He’d apparently had enough of the bullshit.

  Bert followed us with the camera as we made our way to the Blanco Tigre. I made my way to the front desk, trying to look like I didn’t just walk off a reality show.

  It only took a few moments to book the El Conquistador guesthouse (I have the number memorized on my black American Express Card). Once I had officially checked in, I gave Lex and Isaac the thumbs-up and they left for the beach. Sami, Silas and Bert followed discreetly behind as the concierge showed me to the cabin. After explaining all the amenities, she left and my three coconspirators joined me.

  “Jesus Christ!” Sami sank into one of the leather-bound easy chairs. “This is more like it!”

  Bert grinned. Ernie was most likely at Inuit, filming the arrival of Lex and Isaac as they escorted the tribe here. This was going to be great when they revealed this footage during the editing process. I would have given anything to see Julie’s and Alan’s faces in the editing room.

  I ordered ten surf and turfs, white wine and extra towels, fluffy robes, toothbrushes, toothpaste and deodorant. Then I took a quick shower before my guests arrived.

  Being independently wealthy has its advantages. With a huge trust fund, I could make this show a little more livable. The guest house was a smaller version of the hotel, with five bedrooms and five bathrooms. It was completely isolated, and I had it reserved for the whole stay.

  Ernie promised he’d get the other camera crew on board (it helped that I’d created a drinking tab on my dime for them for the duration of the filming) and swore that Alan and Julie never left the Tigre at night. The bastards apparently didn’t see any reason to leave when they had peons to take care of everything for them. They also expected us to live by the honor system. I was just coming out of the shower in my fluffy robe when a confused Inuit tribe walked in.

  A couple of seconds after that, room service showed up with the robes, towels and toiletries and I sent everyone to shower up before the food arrived.

  Lex came up behind me while I poked around the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around me and I could smell Irish Spring soap. That was interesting. I leaned back against him, closing my eyes.

  “I think it’s great you’re doing this. But how can you pay for it?” he asked.

  “Well, I charged it all to Alan’s room. I guaranteed a thousand-dollar tip to the front desk if they kept it off the daily bill until we left.” Now, this wasn’t true, not yet at least. But I didn’t want any questions.

  One by one, the rest of the contestants stumbled in, squeaky clean, wearing warm, fluffy robes. There was a knock at the door and Lex answered it, ushering in three waiters with carts full of lobster and steak.

  I warned Inuit to eat lightly so they wouldn’t get sick. No one spoke for a while. I think they were afraid they’d wake up from a dream to a mouthful of sand.

  Sami finished first, pushing away from the table. “Now that was fucking fantastic.”

  The others nodded and for the first time, some of them smiled.

  “Here’s the deal,” I began. “Everyone will have their own key to this house. Eat, drink, sleep, whatever. Just don’t get caught. The cameramen will film us here, but no one will see that footage until this is over and we are safely home.”

  I explained that there were five bedrooms with bathrooms, so we needed to pair up. Lex and Isaac took one room, Sami and I another. Liliana and Kit, Brick and Dr. Andy, and Silas and Moe took the other rooms.

  We sat and talked for a little while. EVERYONE thought this was a good idea. Around ten P.M. I called the front desk for a six A.M. wake-up call and ordered breakfast, and suggested we all get some sleep.

  “Thank you—” Liliana started, but I shushed her.

  “We all decided to do this. Get some sleep. We’ll probably have a challenge in the morning.”

  One by one everyone drifted off to a bedroom but me. I wasn’t even tired. And I had some thinking to do.

  I poured a vodka tonic and slipped out onto the patio. While I felt good about helping the others and sticking it to Alan and Julie, I still had a lot to worry about.

  Somehow I still had this contract on Isaac. And there was the boys’ comment about a saboteur. What if someone got hurt? I really didn’t like the chances the show was taking with our lives. And the thought of sabotage was ugly.

  “Can’t sleep?” Lex’s voice came from behind me and I jumped.

  “Not yet. Just trying to puzzle things out, I guess.”

  He wrapped his arms around me and I leaned against him. Damn, he felt good. I just wanted to melt into his skin until morning.

  Lex’s hands stroked up and down my back, igniting a fire I haven’t felt in years. Ooh, I wanted this man.

  “Lex, I…” I started to speak but he smothered my lips with his. This man could kiss. And I didn’t get kissed very often. Actually, not since Rudy.

  My brain started swirling as his hands slipped under my bathrobe and I remembered that I had no clothes on. I pulled away for a second.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “Too fast? It’s just been a long time and I don’t know how…”

  This time I crushed his lips to mine and slid my hands under his robe. I guess that answered his question and mine. I pulled him to a chaise lounge and within seconds we remembered how this sex thing was supposed to work. It was a quickie, to be sure. But oh man, what a quickie. With a houseful of guests and a jungle full of monkeys and jaguars, I felt like I was kind of in a hurry.

  It seemed so simple until he entered me. Then it started to get very complicated. Well, not physically complicated. But my brain seemed to wake up from a coma. I kissed him as he rocked into me and it didn’t take long for me to explode (figuratively, for once, since most of my explosions are actually quite literal).

  We lay there in each other’s arms for a long time, staring at the stars (with a cautious eye for jaguars). For some reason, words seemed useless.

  “Wow.”

  I turned to face him. “Wow?”

  “What? Is something wrong with wow?”

  “I’d just rather hear something more dramatic, I guess,” I said, and he chuckled.

  “Missi, I want you to know that it has been a long, long, long time for me. I hope I didn’t force it on you.”

  I sat up and turned toward him, closing my robe. “You didn’t. What do you mean it’s been a long time?”

  “What? You think I do this all the time? I haven’t made love to a woman in seven years.”

  “Really? Are you sure?” Of course I felt like an idiot as soon as I said
it. Duh! I think he’d know if he’d done it since.

  “Yes, I’m sure. My wife died seven years ago. It’s not something you’d forget.”

  “Wow.”

  “Wow? Is that all you have to say?” He chucked me under the chin teasingly.

  “I’m a widow too. My husband died about fifteen years ago. I guess it’s been a long time for me as well.”

  It occurred to me that this was a strange conversation and probably one we should’ve had before the hot sex. Why hadn’t it come up earlier?

  “Surely you haven’t been celibate all this time!” Lex feigned mock horror.

  I hit him with a pillow. “No. But my love life is staggeringly dull. Fortunately, my twin, teenage sons keep me busy.” Oops. I didn’t mean to mention that.

  Lex leaned back, staring into the inky sky. “Fiona and I never had children. We just kept putting it off for later.”

  I leaned against him. For once, my overwhelming motherhood seemed like a blessing.

  “I bet you would’ve been a great dad.”

  I could feel him smile. “Thanks. I needed that.”

  “What, the nookie or the compliment?” I asked.

  He smiled again and kissed my forehead. “Both. Definitely both.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I spotted one of the bedroom lights going on. Lex and I scrambled to our feet, kissed briefly then went off to our separate rooms.

  Sami snored as I drifted off, thinking about sex, Lex and the fact that they rhymed.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.

  —Genghis Khan

  The drill worked like a charm. Everyone got up at six, put their old clothes on, wolfed down breakfast and scrambled toward the beach to their campsites before Julie or the camera crew would arrive. Lex and I grinned goofily at each other the whole time. I felt like there was a balloon in my chest, swelling with helium. It was a very good feeling.

  “When do you think they’ll merge us?” Silas asked me as we followed Julie to another challenge.

  I was a bit shocked. Silas had never asked me anything.

  “I thought you were mad at me.”

  His right eyebrow went up. “Why would you think that?”

  “Because of the”—I looked around to make sure Julie couldn’t hear—“guesthouse. Not very authentic.”

  Silas nodded. “Yeah. I was mad at first. But this durned show is lame. I don’t really care about that anymore.”

  Wow. That was bizarre. Silas actually appeared to be three-dimensional. Maybe it was a good omen.

  Howler monkeys screeched as we entered a clearing full of equipment. It was kind of like they were our heralds—you know, like when the king enters the ballroom?

  “Today’s challenge is for reward. Tonight, both teams will go to Tribal Council and you will both vote off one member.” Alan intoned.

  Oh shit. We were losing two this time? The budget must be dwindling faster than I thought. I looked over at Isaac. He winked and I returned it. With all that was happening, we were becoming close. Hell, he was in my alliance with Lex and Sami. And worse yet, I liked him. My gut was telling me he was a great guy. But my head countered with the fact that despite what Sami thought, Isaac knew how to play a person like a poker hand. Either way, I was definitely running out of time on this job.

  “We will put you in teams of two. Each team has to figure out a puzzle. The first team to solve the puzzle gets reward.” Alan grinned. “Want to know what you’re playing for?”

  Nobody nodded or said anything. It was obvious to everyone that the rewards were lame when we had a sweet guesthouse waiting for us back at the Blanco Tigre.

  Our host frowned. “The winning team will go marlin fishing this afternoon.”

  Open-ocean fishing? That was a reward? Who were these people? I didn’t think even Silas would enjoy sweating in a rickety boat in choppy water to catch a huge fish.

  “And Missi, you’ll be with Kit. That’s it, take your places!” Julie whined. I realized I hadn’t been paying attention again.

  Each team stood in front of a table. They had blended the tribes, and I noticed that Lex was paired with Moe, Liliana with Sami, Isaac with Brick, and Silas was with Dr. Andy. Lex sketched me a wave and I goofily waved back—looking like a complete idiot.

  “You may begin,” Alan, the real complete idiot, said.

  Kit’s lower lip trembled. And we weren’t even at Tribal Council yet. Two long poles, pointed on one end each, were lying on the ground. A thick, blue piece of rope was draped over the table, labeled “1.” Next to it was a green and yellow piece of rope labeled “2,” and next to that was a red rope labeled “3.” I half-expected to see a bottle that said drink me, and would’ve given a kidney to see a cake labeled eat me, but that just wasn’t the case.

  Sorry! Where was I? Oh yes. Kit filled me in (because I hadn’t been paying attention—remember?) that somehow, we were supposed to figure out how to use the poles and rope to solve the puzzle.

  I was completely lost. Looking around, the other teams had no idea what to do either.

  “No one knows what to do….” Alan spoke his commentary for the cameras.

  Lex tried coiling the ropes around one of the poles to see if a pattern emerged. Nothing. Liliana tried to tie knots in the various ropes and Silas was, I guess, measuring it using the length of his arms.

  “Ten minutes in, and no one has got it right,” Alan continued.

  I seriously thought about impaling him on the end of one of our poles. That would have been fun. Did you know the Bombays were indirect relatives of Vlad the Impaler? According to family lore, he was a real prick—but very good at killing people.

  “Dammit, Lil!” Sami cursed her partner. “Now we have to untie all those fucking knots!”

  Big tears began to roll down Kit’s perfect cheekbones. A crying model. Lucky me.

  “Don’t cry,” I started, patting her clumsily on the back. “No one else knows what to do either.”

  Of course, I was right. Frustration was running very high on this challenge. For once, the show was doing something tough.

  “Twenty minutes and no clue among the players.” Alan was really getting on my nerves. In fact, everything was getting on my nerves. I was so stressed, I—

  That’s when it hit me.

  “Kit, grab your pole and hold it at an angle.”

  The other teams weren’t paying attention, but I had an idea. Carefully, I made a slipknot out of the blue rope and slid it over the end of the pole. Then I put ten loops on the pole, took the other pole and pushed the pointy end through the first stitch, front to back, wrapped the rope around it and pulled it backwards through the loop, pushing the one on Kit’s pole off. I now had a loop on my pole.

  “You’re knitting?” Kit asked, sucking in a deep breath.

  “I think so.” I didn’t say anything as I finished off the first row. Damn, this was hard. The poles were huge and hard to control. It took my whole body to make each stitch. I was really, really hoping I wouldn’t have to purl the next row.

  “Missi, figuring it out…” Alan seemed happy that someone was. I wondered how the other teams were going to manage if they didn’t know how to knit. It hardly seemed fair, and I wasn’t that excited about marlin fishing, but I wanted to see if it worked.

  The other teams paid attention, but unless you knew how to knit, you were screwed. It appeared that I was the only one. So, they all sat down and watched me struggle with my giant needles. Great. Apparently they didn’t want to go marlin fishing either. And since both tribes were voting someone off, I guess they all figured they really had nothing to lose.

  After two more rows, we’d used up the blue yarn and started in with the green and yellow. Immediately I could see a pattern starting to emerge. I thought about giving up, but now ever
yone was staring at me, so I couldn’t.

  It took me all the way to the color variations in the red rope before I realized I was knitting letters. Kit did nothing but stand there, but that was okay. I was completely exhausted as I knitted the last row.

  “Missi and Kit win the challenge!” Alan shouted.

  Yay us. I looked at the swatch of knitting. It was pretty good work, if I do say so myself.

  “Op?” I asked. “What does that mean?”

  “Open! It’s supposed to say ‘open!’” Alan was turning an interesting shade of red.

  Julie started rooting around the other teams’ rope. “It should say that. I wonder if we got the rope mixed up?”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter because now they know the clue.”

  I turned to Alan. “The clue to what?” This game was really pissing me off. I looked at our camera crew. They all three shrugged simultaneously. That looked pretty cool.

  “The clue to the hidden immunity idol!” Alan sputtered as if I were four years old.

  “Why didn’t you just tell us that?” I asked.

  “I did!”

  Kit and I looked at each other, then at Julie.

  “Um, sorry, Alan,” she said very quietly, “but you must’ve forgotten.”

  The host threw up his arms, negating whatever sense we had of his being in charge, and stormed off.

  “Okay,” Julie stammered, “I…I…guess I’ll finish up then. Missi and Kit, for a twist, you get to pick another team to accompany you on the fishing trip.” Her voice grew louder as she realized the boys were taping her. “The rest of you can go back to camp.”

  “We want Lex and Moe!” Kit shouted to my complete and utter surprise. Could she read minds? I was going to pick them anyway, but she didn’t even ask me. I didn’t know whether to be angry or grateful.

  Lex and Moe joined us as the rest of the two tribes tried to hide their glee about going back to camp. If I’d had to hazard a guess, I’d have reckoned that the camp wasn’t where they’d end up.