Stand By Your Hitman

by Leslie Langtry

  “Just couldn’t stand the thought of doing this without me?” Lex asked with a smile that now had the power to turn my knees into jelly.

  To my complete shock, Kit slipped her arm through his, batting her eyelashes. “No! We couldn’t.”

  Oh shit.

  Chapter Twenty

  Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

  —Henry Kissinger

  “Oh my God!” Kit giggled, snuggling up to MY boyfriend. “You are sooooo funny!”

  I sat there, simmering in the heat, hoping my next cast would accidentally toss her into what I hoped were shark-infested waters.

  Lex looked pained as he pulled away for the one millionth time. There was absolutely no privacy on this boat. And for some reason we’d silently made a pact not to mention our budding romance. Now I regretted opening up the beach house to Inuit. Somehow, we’d have to get Kit voted off tonight.

  “Hey! I caught something!” Moe shouted.

  It was kind of a miracle, because we’d spent three hours already, getting a nasty sunburn and nothing so much as a nibble. My hopes soared, imagining he’d caught a shark I could feed Kit to…slowly.

  “You know,” Kit said, “these shows really like it if two of the contestants hook up. It makes for a really good drama.”

  That’s when I finally noticed how beautiful Kit was. Long, brown hair, blue eyes, long legs. Why hadn’t I noticed that before?

  “Really?” Lex asked, his eyes boring into mine.

  “Oh man! It’s huge!” Moe screamed.

  “Oh yes.” Kit slid her arm through his for the seventeenth time since the challenge. I know, because I’d been counting. When she got to twenty, I was throwing her overboard—accidentally rendering her unconscious before she hit the water.

  “Hey guys! Help me out here!” Moe begged. Rollo, our boat’s captain, stepped forward.

  “In fact, it makes for really good ratings.” Kit tried to look thoughtful. “Did you know I’m a model?”

  I ground my teeth and pictured killing her.

  “I heard that.” Lex looked clearly uncomfortable but had no way out of the situation. I was trying to figure out if Kit’s interest was real or whether she was trying to form an alliance. I had no proof but was pretty sure the alliance she was trying to start with Lex had nothing to do with the game.

  Don’t get me wrong. I’d liked her initially. Even felt sorry for her. But right now, that bitch was coming on to the first man I’d had sex with in…well, in more than a decade.

  “Here it comes!” Moe yelled as he and Rollo landed a huge fish. It flopped violently all over the deck. There wasn’t a lot of room for us to begin with.

  Kit let out the fakest scream I ever heard and leaped into Lex’s arms. Poor bastard. He’d had no choice other than to catch her.

  “Wow!” Moe stared at the fish and I started to feel a little sorry for him. We should have been happy for him. This may have been the most successful thing he’d ever done.

  Lex kept trying to put Kit down but she scrambled to hang on, feigning fear.

  “Good fish.” Rollo slapped Moe on the back.

  “Thank God you were here to save me!” Kit cooed to Lex.

  I turned my attentions to Moe. It was either that or punch her in the throat—and she wasn’t my Vic. The Bombays kind of frown on making hits without Council approval.

  “That’s really cool, Moe.” I smiled at him.

  He looked so happy. “Thanks, Missi! I’m so glad you invited me!”

  “Well, I didn’t, but I would’ve, had Kit not said it first.”

  Moe grinned. Hmmm. Maybe I could influence him to get his tribe to vote off Kit tonight. I turned to Rollo.

  “Do you have a camera so he could have a picture with the fish?”

  Rollo nodded and pulled a digital camera out of his cargo pocket. I helped Moe hoist the now-dead fish up in the air. It was almost as long as me.

  “I’ll e-mail it to the show,” Rollo said, after snapping the shot.

  Lex managed to escape the Kit-octopus to help the captain put the fish belowdecks. Kit followed them, going on and on about Lex’s muscles. Yeesh.

  The truth was he had very nice definition. Lex was a fine example of a man. This was good for me (who doesn’t want a smoking-hot lover?), but bad for me in that the idiot Kit had also noticed him.

  “Do you guys know who you’re voting off tonight?” Okay, so I’m not subtle. I only had a few minutes to influence Moe.

  He frowned, shaking his head. “I have no idea. Do you?”

  I feigned innocence. “Me? No! I don’t even know who I’d vote off in Ottawa.”

  Moe looked toward the hatch. “Frankly, I’d like to get rid of Kit. She cries all the time. I just want to smack her.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I guess that would get annoying.”

  He nodded. “She and Liliana really hate each other. Kit’s easy on the eyes, but does nothing around camp. Brick and Andy are okay.”

  I only had a few minutes to work my magic. “I’m pretty sure after this vote we’ll be merged. If Kit’s bothering you, you should convince the others to get rid of her tonight.”

  “Well,” Moe said slowly, “I could do that. But only if you’ll let me into your alliance.”

  “Alliance? What alliance?” Did I mention I’m not a good liar?

  “With Lex and Sami. I think Isaac’s in, too.” Okay, so Moe wasn’t as dumb as he looked.

  A high-pitched giggle came from the hatch. I offered Moe my hand.

  “You’ve got a deal.”

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up above because there’s bugger all down here on earth.

  —Eric Idle, Monty Python Sings

  Lex and I dropped Moe and Kit off at their camp. (Kit blew him a kiss. Bitch.) We were just out of their line of vision when he pulled me off the beach and into the jungle.

  “I am so sorry about that,” he began.

  “You didn’t look like you were having fun,” I offered.

  “No. Not with her.”

  “Do you have fun with me?” I pouted a little.

  “Most definitely.” Lex pulled me against him and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed back.

  “Whoa!” He jerked backwards, rubbing his head.

  I squinted into the trees and spotted a flash of red. At our feet was a small mango.

  “You know what?” I said, “I think I have to go to the bathroom. You go on ahead to camp and I’ll catch up. Okay?” I really didn’t want him to go, but apparently two twin monkeys did.

  “Are you sure?” He rubbed his head. “It seems kind of dangerous out here.”

  I grinned. “Oh, it’s just a capuchin monkey. Nothing I can’t handle. Besides, you need to see what the buzz at camp is for who we’re voting off tonight.” I waved him away. “Go on! I’ll be there in a few.”

  Lex looked doubtfully up at the trees, then at me. After a few seconds, he left.

  “Boys!” I whispered loudly, “I know you’re there!”

  Jack jumped down, followed by Monty. They both stayed out of reach.

  “Hey, Mom!” they said simultaneously.

  “Stop hitting Lex! If it was a coconut it could have killed him!” It’s true. Did you know that a little, two-pound coconut falling from a high tree can have a landing weight of one ton?

  “Okay. Fine,” Jack said, pouting.

  I changed the subject. “Did you find anything out about Vic?” It was hard to be mad at them for too long.

  Monty shook his head. “I’m going to try some aliases. There’s a strong chance his name was once Bruce Wayne—which is totally Batman cool. I’ve also found some mentions of him in Interpol files, but a lot of the wording is blacked out.”

  “And we still don’t know anything about the sabotage,” Jack piped up. “But it’s a real threat. Alan and Julie have been talking to the police.”
/>   “What? Why? What’s happened?” I felt like I was completely out of the picture.

  The twins grinned and I thought for just a moment how I’d like to know where they got their information. This was fleeting, and rational thought took over—aka, I didn’t want to know.

  “Someone took out an ad in the local paper claiming they burned down your shelter,” Jack answered.

  “And there have been a couple of death threats,” added Monty.

  “Rumor has it that the show might be completely shut down. I guess the head honchos at the network are considering it,” Jack said.

  That could be good news. I could get off this low-budget mess. Lex and I could get to know each other, shack up for a while…

  “Is the Council asking questions?”

  The boys looked at each other, communicating silently with that twin telepathy of theirs.

  “No.” I think they both answered.

  “Mom…,” Jack began.

  “We’re worried about you,” Monty finished.

  Jack nodded. “We don’t want you to get hurt.”

  I waved them off. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I don’t really care about the saboteur. But I do need to figure out what to do about Isaa…I mean Vic.” The Council has zero tolerance for failure, meaning I could get taken out if I failed to do the job.

  “We’re on it!” Jack shouted as they ran off to who-knows-where.

  Back at camp, Sami was waiting for me. No one else was there.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Isaac and Lex took Silas on a banana hunt so I could fill you in. Fuck Silas. He’s out.”

  “All right.” It’s what I’d suspected anyway. But why did I feel so sad?

  “Man,” she continued, “I heard about that bitch Kit climbing all over Lex on the boat. What the hell?”

  I shook my head. “Well, I made a deal with Moe. He’ll try to get her voted off and we’ll add him to our alliance.”

  “Fuckin’ A!” Sami laughed, and started smothering the fire.

  I helped her. I was feeling a little stupid for being so petty about Kit. Anger flashed and I remembered how blatant she’d been. Okay. I didn’t feel too bad.

  The men returned, and we sat around talking about the challenge.

  “I’m really impressed with what you’ve done here, Missi,” Isaac grinned. Damn. He was trying so hard to become my friend and I was trying to hate him.

  “Thanks, Isaac. Just doing my part.”

  “Yeah, well, I just wanted you to know you are appreciated.” Isaac gave me a thumbs up and walked away.

  “You know,” Lex said, “for someone who wanted him as an ally, you sure act like you’d rather not be on Isaac’s team.”

  “Really? I didn’t realize I was giving that impression.”

  “Did he do something to make you angry?” Lex asked as he rubbed my thigh. I tried to remain focused.

  “No. He’s been fine.”

  “So why the cold shoulder?”

  “Honestly, I didn’t think I was acting that way!” Okay, so I was a tad defensive. Mostly because I’d been busted. And I hated getting busted.

  Lex waved me off. “Okay, okay. Just cut the guy some slack. He’s a good man, and we need him.”

  I watched as he got up and walked away. This was ridiculous. I should have been getting a medal from the Bombays for having to be in this situation.

  Lex was right. I had been distant toward Isaac. But only because I might have to kill him later. I couldn’t tell Lex that, but it made sense, right?

  We picked up our torches for Tribal Council. Jimmy showed up alone to film us before Julie arrived. Most members of the camera crew pretty much had given up on the whole show and were just making appearances.

  Everyone was quiet as we walked through the jungle. Maybe it was because Julie hadn’t ordered us to be silent. Maybe we were all feeling a little down about voting Silas off. Add that to the feelings of elation I experienced whenever I saw Lex, and you have quite a soup. I like soup. Mom used to make this stewed monkey–guava soup that was fantastic.

  “Welcome to Tribal Council!” Alan stood in the middle of a basketball court. There were bleachers on both sides. Inuit sat on his left and we were seated to his right. Other shows, like Survivor, built really cool sets. These guys just phoned it in. I noticed that Jimmy had left, and Inuit’s crew was filming this time.

  “There’s a new twist tonight,” our host said. We all groaned. What were we going to have to do this time? Square dance each other off?

  “Instead of voting off someone from your own tribe,” he informed us, “you’ll be voting off someone from the other tribe.”

  What? We all looked at each other. What the hell were we going to do now? Granted, I could probably whisper to get everyone to vote off Kit. But we certainly couldn’t control the other team. And what if I got voted off before figuring out this whole Isaac thing?

  “Ottawa,” Alan said, “Missi has been the clear leader in all challenges.” The smug bastard looked right at me. “Missi, do you think this makes you a target?”

  Shit. “Um, I don’t know, Alan. The knitting thing was pretty lame. It was just luck that I knew what to do.”

  “Kit!” Alan turned dramatically to Inuit. “Tell me why you chose Lex and Moe to join you for the reward.”

  For once, Kit didn’t look like she was even remotely about to cry.

  “Well, Alan,” she said in a singsongy voice, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Lex and I have a little romance going on.” She wiggled her fingers at MY MAN!

  Lex covered his face with his hands.

  Alan turned back to us. “Is that true Lex? You and Kit make a cute couple.”

  I could feel Sami’s arm on mine, as if she were trying to stop me from jumping up and ripping Kit’s throat out—which I am trained to do, by the way.

  “No. I think Kit is a nice girl. But that’s about it,” Lex said quietly.

  “So, Missi!” Alan faced me again. “Your head may be on the chopping block tonight. How do you feel about it?”

  Me again? Man, this guy really hates me.

  “I don’t know what to say to that, Alan.” And I didn’t. I was getting so sick of this stupid show. The good news was meeting Lex. The bad news was that the Vic was now one of my friends and I hated the host and his malignant assistant. What’s a girl to do?

  “Ottawa! You vote first.” Alan pointed to a clay pot on a Blanco Tigre lectern in the corner of the court. Sami got up and went over to vote.

  “Kit!” I whispered loudly. “Kit’s got to go!”

  Sami came back and I got up, walking slowly to the podium. I wrote Kit’s name in huge, black letters, folded the paper and put it in the pot.

  “I’ll tally the votes.” Alan retrieved the pot once we were all through.

  “The first vote is for Kit.”

  Kit chewed her lip but managed not to cry. Maybe she was getting used to the idea of being the first rejected.

  “The second vote is for…Kit.”

  We got a trembly lip from the model.

  “The third vote is for Moe. Two votes for Kit.”

  The bimbo sighed a little. One more vote and that would be it. Come ooooooooooooon!

  “The third person voted off of Survival is Kit.”

  Kit burst into tears and ran the length of the court, flinging herself into Lex’s arms.

  “Thank you for not voting for me, Lex!”

  “Kit! You have to leave the Tribal Council area immediately!” Alan shouted.

  I watched in horror as she kissed Lex on the lips and ran off. Lex looked at me and shrugged.

  Kit was led away, obnoxiously blowing kisses at Lex.

  “Inuit! It is your turn to vote!” Alan commanded with a squeak.

  We watched as the remaining four members of Inuit voted someone from our team off. It really was a crapshoot at this point. I only really knew Moe, so there was no way of knowing how anyone else would vote.
>
  “I’ll collect the votes.” Alan was basically just speaking for his own sake. We were all pretty much ignoring him.

  “The first vote is for”—he cast me an oily grin—“Missi. The first vote is for Missi!” Did he have to be so happy about it?

  I looked across at the other team. Moe gave me the thumbs up. What did that mean?

  “The second vote is for…” Alan frowned. “Silas. One vote for Missi, one vote for Silas.”

  I couldn’t relax. It wasn’t over yet.

  “The third vote is for Silas. One vote Missi, two votes for Silas.”

  This could go either way, really. Lex reached for my hand. At least he didn’t want me to go.

  “And the fourth and final vote is for…Isaac. Silas, you are the fourth person voted off of Survival.”

  Silas nodded to us, then went up to Alan to have his torch snuffed out. He actually looked happy to be going. I let out a loud breath. It was over. Damn.

  “You are the remaining eight,” Alan said. “Tomorrow, your tribes will merge. For now, go back to camp and enjoy your evening.” Alan and Julie fled toward the resort and I saw that all the cameramen were now gone.

  Ottawa and Inuit just looked at each other.

  “Let’s just go to the guesthouse,” Isaac said. The others nodded and we made our way toward our own refuge.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Some people try to pick up girls and get called an asshole. This did not happen to Pablo Picasso. He could walk down the street—girls could not resist his stare. Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole.

  —The Burning Sensations

  A hot shower, a good dinner, two bottles of ice-cold beer and one fluffy robe later I was feeling better. Kit and Silas didn’t show up, so I guessed they were pleased with their own accommodations. No one really said much. We were tired and sick of this whole mess. In fact, everyone pretty much headed off to bed early. Sami didn’t call me dumbass when she said good night. Not even once.

  I stepped out onto the veranda, trying to find some alone time to figure a few things out. The information the boys had given me wasn’t anything concrete. A few mentions in an Interpol file was not enough to condemn the man to death. As for the sabotage, the fact they were worried about me wasn’t new. They were convinced, however, that they were bulletproof. I remembered thinking that at their age. Of course, I knew better now. The death threats and sabotage were a little frightening—but really nothing compared to the punishment I’d get if I didn’t take care of my Vic.