Whiskey and Regret

by Danielle James

  “Um, sure, Apollo. I’m sorry my sister is crazy.”

  Good. She used me as the common ground.

  “Understatement.”

  “I know a restaurant down the block if you like Chinese food.” Navy’s smile was so gorgeous. Seemed like Apollo noticed too.

  “Sure.” His conversational skills needed work. Bad.

  I made a mental note to help him out when he wasn’t on duty.

  …

  When I got back to my apartment, I lit candles and pulled in a deeply relaxing breath before sitting in front of my harp. My hands tingled and throbbed from my proximity to Sunshine. I sank my fingers into the strings and plucked out the scales going up then back down over and over until my body hummed and the fine hairs on my arm stood on end.

  Beethoven threaded through the muscles in my shoulders, wrapping around my arms and flowing through my fingers. The music was haunting and gorgeous. My feet moved up and down on the pedals while my hands worked to spin notes into the air from nothing.

  The feeling of passion coursing through me was unmatched by anything else. Nobody understood my love for the harp. The way it made me feel inside, the way it cleared my mind and turned it into a blank page. The way I could lose myself between the gorgeous sounds.

  Nobody understood what that felt like. It was lonely but I was used to it. Most people didn’t experience passion the way I did. Not until it tingled gave you a high that rivaled cocaine hitting your bloodstream. Most people experienced passion in a romanticized sense. They thought about passion as something to be loved that enriched your life for the better. Something you could do forever without stopping.

  That was bullshit.

  It wasn’t passion at all.

  Passion was indeed beautiful but it was hideous first. It was a festering incessant thing that grew inside of you until it consumed you, transforming you into a machine. Passion put pressure on you to compete with yourself time and time again. It did enrich you but not before it shredded you to the marrow and left you questioning your sanity.

  Sometimes it left people broke. Sometimes it left people crazy. Sometimes it turned people delusional and made them think they didn’t have to live in the real world. People like me.

  Passion itself wasn’t pretty. It only produced pretty results for people to consume. Consumers didn’t see the blood. The tears. The self-doubt. The sour. The bitter. The late nights. The deadlines.

  I played the harp until passion rained down my eyes. Until I felt like I’d confessed my sins. All the sins I didn’t even know I committed. They came out when I played.

  I let my hands fall to my side then I stood and gave Sunshine a slow stroke. I was going to be a nervous wreck when the movers came for her tomorrow. She was a big girl and it wasn’t easy to maneuver her without proper knowledge. “I won’t let them toss you around, Sunshine.” I sighed, resting my cheek against the ornately carved wood. “I’ll come back home tonight and get you ready to be moved. I have to pick up Frankie though.”

  Yes, I talked to my harp…out loud.

  …

  I pulled up in the car line at Frankie’s school and the nun in charge of pick up eyed me like I was a stranger. I was there to pick her up yesterday. I didn’t get all the extra side-eying.

  I inched up to her and put the car in park before rolling the window down and quickly, muting Mary J. Blige on my stereo. “Hi, I’m here for Frankie Freeman.”

  The nun narrowed green eyes at me then tipped her nose in the air.

  “You were only approved for yesterday. I didn’t see your name or vehicle on today’s list.”

  “Oh, okay. Let me call her father to get this all sorted.”

  “Next!”

  “Um, can you just wait a little while? Should I pull out of line or…”

  “Next!” She stepped away from my car and left me sitting there looking like a damn fool. I pulled over to the parking lot and called Frankie’s phone.

  “Hey, I saw you in line then you got out. What’s going on?”

  “The fucking nun won’t let me pick you up. She said I was cleared for yesterday but not today. I offered to call your dad but she cut me off.”

  “Yikes. That’s Sister Agnes. She’s annoying, to say the least. Let me talk to one of the sisters in the front office.”

  “No, I got this.” I ended the call, got out of my car, and went inside. “Hi, I need to speak to the principal or whoever is in charge.” I walked into the front office with my arms folded and my attitude on high.

  “You need to have a seat. Someone will be right with you.” I hated how stiff and stern everyone was. I had no problem following protocol but I hated the sour way they spoke to me.

  “Wow. Short on manners? I need the principal. Now. Or else I call Senator Freeman and let him know you won’t release his daughter to her new nanny. I’m sure he sent over the information.” Eyes darted around, trying to avoid me but I latched on to every stare that came my way. There was no way in hell Mr. Freeman hadn’t let Frankie’s school know I was her nanny or at least that I’d be picking her up for the foreseeable future.

  “Miss Lucas, you need to lower your voice and…”

  “I don’t need to lower anything,” I snapped, frowning at the nun behind the desk. I walked over and pressed my palm to the desktop. Leaning over, I said, “How did you know my name and what I look like if no information was sent over?”

  “We’ll need Mr. Freeman to pick Francesca up today because you’re not on the approved list. You were approved for a visitor pick up yesterday. Visitor pickups do not continue for consecutive days. For you to be on the permanent list, both of her parents have to sign off on the change. Her mother has refused. We reached out to her this morning.”

  I scoffed, “Her mother. Of course. I’ll be right back.” When I left the office, I ran into Frankie wearing a concerned expression on her pretty face.

  “What’s up?” She asked.

  “I’m calling your dad.” I bit my tongue when it came to her mother because it wasn’t my place to call her a petty bitch. Especially not in front of Frankie.

  Luckily, Mr. Freeman answered right away. “Miss Lucas, what’s wrong?”

  “The lovely sisters at Frankie’s school refuse to let me pick her up because I haven’t been approved.”

  “What? I sent them the updated approved pick up list last night. I signed off on it.”

  “Well seems like you’re not the only one who needs to sign off on it, Mr. Freeman.” There was a pause on the other end then he groaned.

  “Alexis,” he said with a heavy sigh.

  “Yeah. Her. They need you to come up here to get Frankie because evidently, I’m a kidnapping pedophile.” I said loud enough for everyone within earshot to hear. The barrage of uncomfortable stares tickled the hell out of me.

  “Okay, Miss Lucas. Calm down. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” He ended the call and I looked at Frankie, exasperation painting my features.

  “He’s on his way.”

  “Wow. I can’t believe they won’t let me leave with you when you were just here yesterday to pick me up with no problems.”

  “I’m going to go speak to that nun outside now.”

  “Wait, Xari!” Frankie squeaked and rushed after me, grabbing my arm. “She’s mean.”

  “And? I’m grown. She doesn’t scare me, Frank.” I removed her grip from my bicep and marched over to the woman in charge of the car line. “Sister Agnes,” I called. She looked up at me, rolled her eyes, and continued doling out children to waiting parents.

  I walked over to her and blocked her way so that she had to talk to me. Yes, I could have waited until she was done with car line for the day but Mr. Freeman would have been there to pick Frankie up by then. I had to get my feelings off my chest immediately.

  “If you knew why I couldn’t pick Frankie up, you should have said something instead of being rude and nasty.” My words struggled out from between clenched teeth.

  “You nee
d to move. You’re not authorized to be here.”

  “Oh well, I’m here now. You’re supposed to be a leader in this school and so far, your attitude has shown that you’re in the wrong profession.”

  “I don’t have an attitude problem but I do have a problem with you standing here when you’re not supposed to.”

  “Good. I’m glad you have a problem with it. I’m glad there’s nothing you can do about it. Remember when I was parked here waiting to pick up Frankie and you wouldn’t help with the problem I was having? That’s how it felt. Being annoyed as fuck with no way around it.”

  “Excuse me. Your language…”

  “Is foul as hell. I know. Perks of being a grown-up. I’ll make sure to speak to the principal about your behavior, sister.” I flashed her an icy smile then walked over to the front of the school just in time to see Mr. Freeman’s car pull up.

  “What were you over there doing?” He asked the moment he got out of the car. His eyes jumped from me to Sister Agnes in the car line.

  “I was voicing my displeasure with Sister Pain in the Ass over there.” I jabbed my thumb in her direction and Mr. Freeman glared at me.

  “Please tell me you watched your mouth.”

  “I’m going to assume you know enough about me to know the answer to that question.”

  “Unfortunately.” He took long-legged strides into the school while Frankie and I followed behind him. When I felt another person walk through the door behind me, I turned to see Apollo. My face lit up.

  “Apollo!” I poked him with my finger and he groaned under his breath. I still heard it. “How was lunch?”

  “I’m on duty.”

  “Me too. How was lunch?” I grinned at him even harder and he flicked his gaze to Mr. Freeman who pretended not to see his plea for help. “Come on, Apollo. Don’t be a dick. I just want a simple answer. Was it good or was it horrible?”

  “It was horrible,” he muttered.

  “Oh. So, we’re lying now? Cool. Let me know what the theme for you guys’ wedding is going to be. I want to dress accordingly.” He didn’t respond with words. I did notice his jaw muscle tick though. My knack for getting under the skin of the most unmovable men was still intact.

  “You’ll have all the appropriate signatures by tomorrow,” Mr. Freeman said to the nun at the front desk. She was all smiles for him but only had narrow eyes and huffs for me. It figures. A man as fine as Mr. Freeman made women behave like angels. When they were around me though? The claws came out. I was a lot to handle sometimes but still…were claws always warranted?

  “Thank you so much, Senator Freeman. I’m sorry for any misunderstanding. You know how strongly we feel about Francesca. She’s family and we can’t let anyone walk off with her. Especially not when they pop up out of the blue looking like…that.” She turned a scornful eye toward me and I tipped my head back and laughed. I came equipped with claws. I had to use them all the time when I was younger. Now was no different.

  Mr. Freeman held his hand up and lowered his brows at the nun. “What’s wrong with how she looks, Sister Mary Ann?” I had my mouth open and ready for a response but I closed it once he started talking. I wanted to hear what he had to say. I was so used to taking up for myself that I never let anyone else do it. Well, Navy took up for me sometimes but she was my big sister.

  “I mean she’s dressed like…” She swallowed trying to find words that wouldn’t piss me off. “She’s at a photoshoot. It’s unnecessary for picking up a child.”

  “And what exactly should I wear, sister?” I asked, clipping my words into short blades. Mr. Freeman looked at me over his shoulder and held his hand up, signaling for me to shut up. I blinked at the stern gesture, unsure of what else to do. I wasn’t used to anyone telling me what to do.

  “Quiet.”

  And one-word commands too? Who the hell did he think he was talking to? And why was it making me tingle all over?

  “What she chooses to wear has no bearing on her ability to do her job. I hired her based on sound judgment and her amazing ability to connect with Frankie. I hope you haven’t been subjecting Miss Lucas to snap judgments before you even got a chance to properly meet her. That would be unfortunate, sister.”

  “Yes, you’re right. I apologize, Senator. I also apologize to you, Miss Lucas. As long as we have the correct signatures going forward, you won’t have any more issues with car line.” I pursed my lips together and grunted at her. She was only apologizing because Mr. Freeman came down on her.

  “Dad, can I ride home with Xari?” Frankie tugged on her father’s arm as we left the school.

  “Sure. I’m going back to the office and I’ll see you both when I get home.” He dropped a kiss to Frankie’s hair then waved at me before getting in the car. Apollo got in after him.

  “Are we still budgeting tonight?” I asked him before he rolled up the window.

  “We’re still on. Come to the den after Frankie is in bed.” Bursts of excitement popped all around me like carbonated bubbles dotting the air. I couldn’t wait for Frankie to go to bed tonight.

  …

  EIGHT

  My decanter of Jameson was half empty and sitting on the bar ten feet away from my desk in the den. I rubbed my face and stared at the words on my laptop. I was already on to my next book. After I finished the previous one, which I titled Freebird, I sent it to Apollo to read. Right after that, another plot blinked into my head. I had to write it.

  The characters leaped off the pages in my mind. I saw the beginning scene as clearly as any movie I’d ever seen. How could I ignore such a magnetic pull?

  When I first got home, I spent time with Frankie, changed out of my suit, put on a Method Man playlist, poured a glass of whiskey then got to work. As usual, when I dove headfirst into my words, everything else disappeared. The only things that existed were the worlds I spun from my fingertips.

  “Oh, shit. Look at you.” Miss Lucas sauntered into the den wearing a metallic gray silk pajama set. The shirt was only partially buttoned down the middle giving me a glimpse of her perfect honey brown stomach. Wide-leg silk pants only left the painted white tips of her toes exposed. Other than that, she was barefaced with her wild mane of curls falling in thick clouds around her shoulders.

  Something so simple, made me forget what words were. She was dressed down to the bare minimum and I was rendered speechless. It was distracting how fucking beautiful she was.

  Those wide cognac brown eyes, plush pink lips, and queenly slashes of cheekbone.

  And of course, those goddamn dimples.

  “Ah, Miss Lucas.” I tried to sound professional and not like I’d been sucking down whiskey since I secluded myself in the den. “Can I help you? Also, why the fuck are you wearing pajamas?” I’d hired her for one month and she would be living under my roof but she wasn’t scheduled to move in yet.

  “Ooh, an f-bomb. I like you a little bit more every day,” she laughed. Why did she refuse to sit the hell down? She insisted on standing right in front of me, giving me a perfect view of her tight healthy curves beneath the sheath of gray silk.

  “Frankie begged me to stay the night. She wants me to sleep in her room while I’m having my things moved in. I told her it was fine. Plus, it means I’m already here for the morning. I can make sure she eats and get her off to school on time.” I must have been much drunker than I thought. Miss Lucas sounded responsible. If I thought she was irresponsible I wouldn’t have hired her at all but she definitely was not on top of things like Navy.

  Navy didn’t make my dick hard though…

  I shoved the acknowledgment of my erection in the back of my mind. I had to focus. She was Frankie’s nanny. Not eye candy.

  “I take it you’re not a fan of my pajamas? I thought they were very TLC Creep chic.” She shrugged and ran her hands along her curves.

  “And what does your young ass know about TLC?” A deep laugh rolled from me easily. Miss Lucas shot me a glare then leaned over my desk giving me a clear sh
ot down her shirt. It was war of the fucking worlds trying to keep my eyes level with hers.

  “I’ll have you know I’m a 90’s R&B connoisseur. I was born in the wrong era. I would have killed in classic Versace and Chanel. Ugh. Anyway, I’m clearly a Chili.”

  “Definitely more of a Left Eye, but whatever floats your boat. Now, what can I help you with?”

  “Left Eye? I mean, she’s fucking fantastic but you think I’m crazy?”

  “Bubbly. Unrestricted. Playful. The crazy part has yet to be determined.”

  “Fuck you, Freeman,” she laughed. “So, I’m guessing you’re drunk and you don’t remember telling me you’d help me with my budget?” She batted those thick, long lashes at me and managed to look innocent. I guaranteed she wouldn’t look so innocent with my dick in her mouth.

  Under the desk, I gripped my hard cock and tried to think about anything other than her nipples under that silk. Or how easy it would be for me to slide my hand under her shirt and pinch them until she whined.

  Fuck. I had to stop letting my mind wander.

  “You’re right. I did promise I’d help.”

  She walked behind the desk and I quickly angled myself away from her so she couldn’t see my erection tenting my sweats. “What the hell are you working on, Freeman?” Xari Lucas had no boundaries when she was curious. I was learning that daily.

  “Can you at least maintain some modicum of professionalism, Miss Lucas?”

  “Like you are? In your sweats, drinking, and listening to Method Man. Which, by the way, has anyone ever told you that you look like him? It’s uncanny.”

  “Nah. Never.”

  “God, you’re like two different people. The suit and tie Freeman and then…this.” Fire sparked in her brown eyes when she looked at me. I knew that look. She was curious. She turned her eyes to my laptop and I pulled it closer to me. “What’s that?” She asked, her eyes growing wider. “I saw the word pussy. You have to let me see the rest. I’m already sold.”

  “Miss Lucas…”

  “Call me Xari. I’m off the clock now.”

  “No. Now, move to the other side of the desk where you won’t give me a goddam heart attack?”