Whiskey and Regret

by Danielle James

  “I had to bring your computer,” she said with a bright smile. Her eyes were hiding something though. I cocked an eyebrow up and let a frown settle on my face. “What?” She squeaked with a shrug.

  “What are you up to, Xari Lucas?”

  “Why do you think I’m up to something?” She batted those long lashes at me and smiled, showing the dimples I was such a sucker for.

  “Because you came here dressed like that, carrying my laptop and sounding like sugar on syrup.” I kissed a trail along the curve of her neck and she bit her ruby-red bottom lip.

  “We can talk about it later.”

  “Nah, we’re going to talk about it now. Go close the door and sit your pretty ass right back here.” I patted my lap and she suppressed a grin before moving to shut the office door. “Lock it.”

  She looked over her shoulder at me before clicking the lock into place. “We better be fucking on your desk,” she said.

  “It depends. Tell me what you did.”

  “Who says I did anything, Evander? You’re so suspicious, goodness.” She pressed her hand to her chest like she was the epitome of innocence. I knew better.

  “Do I need to put you on punishment?” I asked. My fingers slid beneath the hem of her dress, skimming her warm thighs. I watched her back arch gracefully in response.

  “Are you threatening to put me on dick restriction?”

  “Uh-huh,” I licked the shell of her ear and watch goosebumps spring up like flowers in a field.

  “Don’t be mean, Evander.”

  “I’m not being mean.” My fingertips brushed against her panties. I grazed her piercing and she gasped a little.

  “Evander.” Her tone was a warning.

  “What’s up, beautiful?”

  “You’re not going to withhold sex from me. I will fuck you in your sleep.

  “That’s a violation,” I chuckled. My other hand found her perfect tits and I squeezed.

  “You’d like it,” she countered. Her hips started rocking and my dick thickened in response to her heat and movement.

  “Maybe. Now tell me what you did, Miss Lucas.” My mind raced down a path where I called her Mrs. Freeman instead of Miss Lucas. The thought of her having my last name made my chest explode with warmth.

  If I tell you, will you fuck me?” Her pouty whine made my dick grow even more.

  “I’ll fuck the shit out of you.”

  “Okay,” she sighed and eased off my lap. Her eyes fixed on my hard dick before she continued. “I did a thing and I don’t want you to think I was invading your personal space or…”

  “Spit it out, baby.”

  “Okay. I kinda submitted A Heart’s Song to a literary agent.”

  My eyes went round and my heart stuttered in my chest. She did what? I couldn’t even ask any questions because my brain was consumed with the bomb Xari just dropped in the middle of my office.

  “God…you’re upset.” Her dark brows knitted together, a frown puckering her pretty face. I didn’t know how I felt right then. I was still letting the information sink in.

  I’d never submitted my writing anywhere because I didn’t feel like it was good enough. I looked at it as a hobby that made me feel alive. I never thought I could be an author. I just thought I was someone who liked to live in made-up worlds with powerful words.

  To be honest, I never thought being an author was a real possibility. I was born and bred to be in politics and that had been the only choice for me since I was little.

  Now, Xari was telling me she sent my rough, unrefined words to someone. Someone in the world who would read over my innermost feelings and creations and judge them.

  My stomach flopped.

  “Evander?” Xari blinked at me, nibbling on her ruby lips.

  “I heard you, Xari.” I had to stand up because there was too much energy bouncing around inside of me.

  “Can you say something?” She begged. “I know at first it seems fucked up, but I believe in you and your writing. I think you could be huge.” I saw the sincerity in her eyes and something deep inside of me wanted to believe she was telling the truth.

  Maybe I could have the one thing I’d always wanted.

  The thought nearly choked me.

  “Xari, you went behind my back and did something I wasn’t ready for. That’s not okay.”

  “I know. I know and I’m sorry for going behind your back but…isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? To be a published author?” I skimmed over my hopes and dreams. I waded through my passion and realized how many finished manuscripts I had sitting on my hard drive. How many untold stories swam in the still waters of my mind never to see the light of day.

  “That’s not the point,” I grumbled. My voice was rough and harsh, making her pull back. “I wasn’t ready for that. I told you writing is a hobby.”

  “I know but it’s your fucking dream, Evander. Your passion. You don’t see how beautiful you look when your eyes are sharp and focused on the world you’re creating on that laptop.” She gestured to the sleeved laptop on my desk that tossed her eyes back to me. They were bubbling over with conviction and the fire I always saw when I looked at her.

  My body tensed as I wondered what the agent said about my work. How could I be pissed at Xari but at the same time want to know the results of her sneaky ass plot? I was torn right down the middle. My mouth was cotton. My teeth caged my tongue.

  “You keep drinking whiskey to drown the regret of not being able to live your life the way you want to. Why keep putting up with your toxic-ass father and his wants and desires when they don’t match yours? You have a chance, baby.” She walked over and sandwiched my face between her hands. “You’re remarkable. Being a senator is draining you.”

  “It’s what I do. I can’t leave.”

  “You can. It’s an election year. You don’t have to run again.” She shrugged her shoulders. Whenever things like that came out of her mouth, they were coated in possibility. It was dangerous.

  Fear etched lines in my forehead as I frowned and shook my head. Xari tugged on my collar, making me look down at her. “Listen to me…” Like I could ever do anything else. “I know it’s scary as fuck but you know what else is scary? Looking back twenty years from now and realizing you did nothing that lit a fire inside of you. This,” she gestured around my office, “Isn’t for you. You don’t feel alive doing this. This is your father. Not you.”

  She took a step back from me and dabbed her wet eyes. My Adam’s apple bobbed in my throat as I stared at her.

  She was everything that terrified me. She was the soft beckoning of my passion. She was the fire that never fully extinguished inside.

  “Do you want to hear what the agent said?” Xari asked after a stretch of silence. Nerves begged me to shake my head. Passion and desire pushed me to nod instead. A soft smile lifted Xari’s glossy lips. “She said to expect an acceptance letter in the mail from her office. She said she’s surprised your work hasn’t been snapped up. She said the publishing house is willing to offer you four million dollars to sign with them.”

  I tipped my head to the side, making sure I heard her correctly. A laugh jumped from my mouth first before I spoke one word. I steepled my hands and finally met her penetrating stare.

  “Four million?” I asked, lifting a quizzical brow. “Are you serious?”

  “So serious. She emailed me so you can see I’m not bullshitting you.” She handed me her phone and I read over the email. She was right. Bright House Publishing was officially offering me four million dollars for a four-book deal starting with A Heart’s Song. I blinked at the words on the screen then honed in on the familiar name in the FROM field.

  “Nicole Philips? She’s the agent?”

  “Yup. I had no idea she was a literary agent until she called to thank me for playing at her wedding.”

  “So, this is real? You didn’t tell her who I was, did you?” Worry creased my timid excitement.

  “No. I didn’t tell her who you we
re. I told her you had notoriety but that’s it. No names. She said once she learns your identity, she’d be able to up the amount but that’s the tentative figure.”

  “There’s still room for this number to go up?” Excitement leaked through the stone wall I’d erected in my mind and heart. It was the great divide between passion and practicality. Passion was chipping away at it little by little.

  “Yes. She said if you want to write under a pen name, it’s fine. They’ll do what they can to keep your identity quiet if that’s what you want but I think you should live out loud. Don’t let anyone stop you from being you and from doing what makes you happy.”

  Four million dollars kept popping up in my head though. How the fuck did anyone read my words and think they were worth that much money?

  “I need time to process this, Xari.”

  “You’re mad at me. I know but…I only dipped your toe in the proverbial water. You don’t have to bite. You don’t have to pay any of this any attention. This was mainly to show you what you’re capable of. You don’t have to drink your regrets away.”

  “I don’t know how I feel right now, to be honest. I want to be excited but this is the empire I’ve built for myself and letting it go to chase a dream sounds fucking insane.”

  “This isn’t your empire because you didn’t build it.” Her words were a harsh reminder of a blaring truth.

  “You know what I mean, Xari.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Okay well, you can play clueless but let's not act like I haven’t made a name for myself in the senate. Listen, this is a lot to deal with on top of my father just leaving so…”

  “So, you’re putting me out.” She scoffed and nodded her head. “Right. I’ll see you at home then.” I watched her tight movements then dropped my head when she left the office.

  I already knew the rest of my schedule was shot. I wasn’t going to get anything significant done because I was going to be wrapped up in thoughts of being a published author and what life outside of the political eye would look like.

  Navy poked her head in after her sister left and I waved letting her know she could come in. “Everything okay, Senator Freeman?” She sat in the same chair my father had been in moments ago.

  “I’m just Evander right now, Navy,” I told her with a heavy sigh. Being Senator Freeman was too tiring.

  “O…kay. I know this is probably unprofessional but is everything okay with you and Xari? She didn’t say much before she left.”

  “It’s fine. No need to always be professional. At this point, I consider you a friend.”

  “I just feel like something is off between you two.”

  “It is. I don’t know if it’s her fault or mine though.”

  “Well, if you tell me what happened I can tell you whose fault it is. Yours or hers.” She smiled a little and I chuckled.

  “Okay. I’ll bite. Your sister submitted a novel I was working on to a publishing house. A big one. She got an offer quickly. The thing is, she did it without my permission. She knows how I feel about my writing.”

  “You write?” Navy said, staring at me with wonder in her eyes.

  “Yeah,” I laughed a little. It made me realize how much of myself I kept hidden. Maybe Xari was right in her assumption that I drank to bury the regret I harbored.

  “You must be good if she did that, Senator…I mean, Evander.”

  “So, let me guess, this is my fault?”

  “I understand you being pissed that she did it secretly but after that wears off you have to ask yourself if she acted selfishly or in a way that could somehow hurt you or your career.”

  Fuck. Why did Navy have to always be the constant voice of reason? A part of me wanted to stay pissed at Xari but my heart knew better. I couldn’t stay pissed at her for going behind my back. I could stay in my feelings for a little while but not forever. I knew what she did wasn’t malicious. She didn’t have any ulterior motives either. She did it because she believed in me.

  “You’re right even though I hate it.”

  “You don’t even seem mad, Evander. You seem contemplative but not angry. If anything, I think you hurt Xari’s feelings because you sent her away.

  I know my little sister is a lot to deal with. She’s grown so much since she’s been working for you and Frankie though. She’s almost a different person. When she pushes people, it’s because she sees something. She has a knack for doing that. The girl can spot your passion from a mile away.”

  After a few beats of contemplation, I looked at Navy and groaned. “Should I go home and talk to her?”

  “Absolutely. She shouldn’t have done things that way but you can’t deny she put something on your mind. I can see your wheels turning.”

  “That’s putting it mildly,” I said. “Can I ask you a question, Navy?”

  “Of course.”

  “If I decided not to run for a seat in the senate again, would you still be my assistant?” The thought of freeing myself from the confines of the senate made me feel light. I had no idea being Senator Freeman weighed so heavily on me.

  Navy opened her mouth then closed it again without saying a word. Finally, she smiled softly and nodded her head. “Of course. I can’t think of being anyone else’s assistant.” Her eyes narrowed a little. “Are you seriously thinking about bowing out?”

  “I need to sit with my thoughts for a little while longer but I can’t lie and say I’ve enjoyed my years being a senator. It’s a lot of thankless work, long hours, and bullshitting. If I’m going to work long hours and kill myself…it might as well be over something I love. God, I sound like Xari now,” I laughed, rubbing a hand over my face.

  “You do. That’s how she gets you.” She paused for a beat. “Hey, next time you see Apollo, make sure he’s willing to be your security if you decide not to run again.”

  “Now, is that for me or for you? I know Apollo will come with me.” Her cheeks turned red and her eyes widened with what I could only describe as girlish excitement.

  “So, are we done here, Senator Freeman?”

  “Sure, we can be done. Doesn’t change the fact that you want Apollo to stick around.”

  “Whatever. I’m going back to work. Focus on fixing things with your girlfriend.”

  The word girlfriend warmed me up from the inside out. I couldn’t remember being proud of having a woman by my side before but Xari made me proud. She was a force to be reckoned with and when I went home, I knew that force would be waiting for me with icy silence weaponized and ready. I had something for all that attitude though.

  …

  TWENTY-FOUR

  I spent hours practicing after I left Evander’s office. Without Frankie being around, I had to occupy myself productively. So, I was unwinding by playing Alicia Keys on Sunshine’s strings. It was dark in the formal living room and I liked it that way. The only light was flickering from the tips of my candles. Shadows danced on the ceiling to my music like a silent audience.

  When the air shifted, I paused, dropping my hands to my side. I knew what that shift in the temperature and humidity meant.

  Evander was home.

  My throat tightened and the hairs on my arms stood on end, ready to receive him even though he was pissed at me. I knew it was a risk sending his book to Nicki but I wanted to prove to him that he had what it took to do what he loved. It wasn’t just because I loved him either. If I thought his writing was trash, I wouldn’t have stood behind it. Evander had the kind of talent that only came around once in a while. It was simple, quiet, and bold all at the same time. The world needed to experience it.

  I braced myself for him to come in and talk to me but when I heard him move past the foyer and up the steps, my heart slipped a little in my chest. He was seriously mad at me. I thought maybe he needed time to get over the shock of me rifling through his laptop. Maybe he needed the rest of the day to unwind.

  Clearly, not. He was pissed with me. I’d have to climb down off my soapbox and apologize f
or overstepping my bounds. I didn’t mean to invade his privacy but god, I was so proud of him and the books he kept pumping out.

  Resignation settled in my bones and I told myself after I finished practicing, I’d go upstairs and talk to him. I set my fingers in position on the strings and began playing again, shutting my eyes and letting the music run through me.

  “Can we talk?” After a few songs, Evander’s deep voice lifted the veil of soft strings and flickering flames. I opened my eyes and looked at him, wondering how long he’d been standing there watching me play.

  “I thought you were mad at me,” I said, rolling the stiffness out of my shoulders.

  “I was…am…I don’t know, Xari. Can we talk?” I plucked out the first few notes of Tevin Campbell’s Can We Talk on Sunshine then looked over my shoulder at him. A tired smile bent his lips. Those weren’t angry eyes looking back at me. They were exhausted.

  I took his outstretched hand and he kissed my knuckles. Something so small sent chills all over my body. We walked into the kitchen where Evander sat out two champagne flutes. “I’m sorry for acting weird in my office earlier. You caught me off guard,” he said.

  “You’re apologizing?” I quizzed. “I should be apologizing for going behind your back like that. Sometimes, I care more about people’s dreams than they do and I have to learn how to reel it in.” I looked down at my toes, wiggling them against the shiny floor. The lights overhead reflected on its surface casting down golden orbs.

  “You might need to reel it in a little.” He lifted my chin and I looked into his dark brown eyes. “But I thought we could put that behind us for now. I’m over it, Xari. I know you didn’t mean any harm. Before you touch my laptop again though, ask first.”

  “I can do that,” I laughed.

  “So are you finished with your practice for the night?” He stared at me with his bottom lip tucked between his teeth. It was a look that pulled primal urges from my core. My skin baked under his intense gaze.

  “I can be,” I said quickly. My throat turning to crumpled paper. How was I still so smitten around him? Every time was like the first time and it never got old.