Wanting to Remember, Trying to Forget (Meet the Shepards #1)

by Jacqueline Francis

He took possession of her lips as he slid into her, claiming her mouth and her body at the same time. Even if this came to an end in the future, her body would know him, remember only him.

  She groaned against his lips, her nails raking over his back. Her kiss was vicious and devouring, taking in whatever he had to give, so consuming that she would leave him desolate if he didn’t stop. But he didn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop giving until he had nothing, because he wanted her to have every part of him.

  He broke the kiss once he was fully inside her and looked down at her, his body trembling as much as his voice. “Do you see it now, Danny?”

  “No.”

  He felt the burn under his skin, rage spreading through him like wildfire, catching alight from every vexatious memory.

  The day he cooked dinner for her and she went out with Richard instead. The Valentine’s Day gifts. He was there and she didn’t see it.

  He pushed into her, wanting to be so deep inside her that her body would acknowledge what her eyes refused to see.

  “Now?”

  “No.”

  The morning of the accident when he admitted he had feelings for her.

  “Your feelings are irrelevant to me.”

  That was what she told him. Right in front of her and she didn’t fucking see it.

  He withdrew and hit against her even harder. “Now?”

  “No.”

  So stubborn. She was so fucking stubborn! He gripped her thigh, his fingers almost bruising her soft caramel skin.

  Twelve days in the hospital. He was there and she didn’t see it.

  He gritted his teeth and plunged into her again. The hard lump lodged in his throat caused his breathing to become quick and unsteady. “Danny…do you see it now?”

  “No…”

  He felt her walls tighten around him, heard her moans becoming louder. He could tell that she was reaching her peak. He slowed his pace, thrusting deeper to meet every need their bodies begged for. He wanted to savor it, ensure she knew that he was the one who took her there, the one who made her reach her cliMax.

  Eventually he couldn’t hold on any longer. She shut her eyes, he squeezed her fingers and when it was over, he collapsed against her, completely drained of every emotion except the desperation he had felt for years.

  He lifted his head slightly. “Danielle…”

  She opened her eyes and fresh tears trickled down the side of her beautiful face.

  “Do you see it now?”

  She nodded, her lips quivering as she tried to fight back the tears. “Yeah…I see it, Max.”

  That was all he wanted. For her to see. Everything he said, everything he did; he wanted her to see it. He didn’t care about saving his pride anymore. He didn’t care about what would happen if their relationship ended. He didn’t care about being defenseless, completely exposed. He just wanted her to see, see everything, all of him. Every weakness, every insecurity, he wanted her to see every vulnerable part of him.

  “I love you,” he whispered, brushing his lips against hers. The words had been trapped inside him for so long that once he said it, he couldn’t stop saying it. “I love you…I love you…I love you so much.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her hands in his hair as she pulled him closer. “I love you, too.”

  Hearing those words leave her lips broke him, destroyed the little remnants he had left, and yet at the same time it doused the blazing rage and brought him back to one piece.

  * * *

  Danny sat on her bed, listening to the ceaseless attack of the rain and wind outside her window. The violent storm inside their apartment had passed just a few minutes ago. She hadn’t had a shower, hadn’t taken off her damp clothes yet. She wanted to keep his scent on her for a little while longer, keep those words floating in her head.

  She was scared to wash away any evidence of what had happened between them and yet it would take more than a simple shower to rinse off her swollen lips, the slight bruises on her wrists and thighs.

  She had been waiting for him to say it and he had been waiting for her to see it. And now she did. The love he felt for her was more than she had ever thought possible. There was no denying it and now she felt silly for doubting him in the first place.

  She heard a light knock on her door before Max walked in and sat beside her on the bed. His brown eyes studied her, glancing over all the marks he had left on her body. He had battle scars, too. Red streaks down his back from her nails, love bites on his neck and shoulder.

  “I wish I could say I’m sorry,” he said softly, “but I’m not…I’m not sorry for what happened.”

  “I am. I’m sorry for accusing you and letting my imagination run wild. I shouldn’t have—”

  “Don’t talk, just listen. Sofia and I dated for a little over a month and I liked her. I really liked her, but I kept comparing her to you. She wasn’t as feisty and she didn’t challenge me and my heart kept coming back to you. Eventually, things like that come to the surface…and she saw it. She saw what you refused to see until today.” He ran both hands through his hair and clasped them together at the back of his head. “I’ve been in love with you for the longest time, Danny. There isn’t anyone else. It’s only you. It’s only ever been you.”

  She understood his desperation now. Wanting to be more than friends was something he had wanted even before she was ready for this relationship, but she didn’t understand his anger. Every ferocious kiss had only conveyed rage and resentment. She had been right about her playing a part in it, but she still did not know exactly what that part was.

  “Why are you so angry?” she asked. “What did I do to make you so angry?”

  He cast his eyes to the floor, thinking long and hard about his response before he looked up at her again. “It doesn’t matter now.” He pushed her back against the bed and rolled on top of her. “Nothing else matters now.”

  That answer was not good enough and she decided to press further. “Max…what happened in that bathroom?”

  “I gave you me,” he whispered, dipping his head closer to her, “and you gave me you and that’s all that matters. I’m not letting you go now.”

  He silenced her with a kiss and stopped any further talking because in his mind, the conversation was already over.

  November

  November, tenth. It was Kevin’s twenty-first birthday today and Max had put off calling him the entire day. He rarely procrastinated, but Kevin was still mourning and Max did not want to say happy birthday to his brother when he knew this day would be anything but happy. It was his first birthday in fifteen years without Perry and Max didn’t know if the phone call would make him feel better or worse.

  He had called his mother earlier and she told him that Kevin had taken off a few days ago. He’d said nothing about where he was going or when he was coming back, but his brother leaving home was an indication that he wanted to be alone and this made Max second-guess giving him a call. Instead, he decided to text Jordan.

  Max: Have you called Kevin yet?

  Jordan: Nope. Not sure what to say to him

  Max: Pansy!

  Jordan: Ah, the pot and the kettle. Which one are you?

  Max: The pot. I think you should call him first.

  Jordan: NO WAY! I went into the room so now it’s your turn.

  Max groaned his frustration, knowing that even a text version of rock, paper, scissors would not convince Jordan.

  “He’s your brother, Max,” Danny said from behind him. “You’ve been toying with your phone all day so just bite the bullet and call him.”

  Still feeling wary, Max scrolled down his contact list to Kevin’s number. It rang twice before he answered.

  “Hey, Max.”

  The light tone was not what he had been expecting to hear. “Hey, Kev. Happy birthday.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Mom says you’re not at home.”

  There was a slight pause before he responded. “Yeah…I…uh…there’
s something I need to do…for Perry.”

  Max didn’t ask what the something was. It was obviously personal. Instead he kept the conversation general. “So where are you?”

  “I’m…hang on…”

  Max heard shuffling and then the opening and closing of a door before Kevin’s voice came over the line again.

  “I just had to get out of there. It’s the only way I can get some privacy.”

  “Where are you?” Max asked again.

  “In the middle of nowhere,” his brother shouted with exasperation, “stuck on this road trip with a girl who is literally fucking bat-shit crazy!”

  “You have a low tolerance for people. I’m sure she’s not that bad.”

  “Psycho is definitely bad. She’s like Shane. She doesn’t stop talking. Fucking Virgos!”

  Max laughed. Even though they all hated it, their mother’s obsession with star signs had filtered down to all of them.

  “Her mouth runs on a motor,” Kevin continued, “just on and on and on. I can’t stand her! She’s driving me fucking insane. I’m ready to strangle myself.”

  Kevin did not talk much but when he did, he cursed…a lot. Although his words were harsh, his tone was still light and Max couldn’t help but wonder if this bat-shit crazy girl was the right kind of distraction for his little brother. Kevin’s hurt was clearly overshadowed by his annoyance. The boy who hated talking was now stuck with a girl who didn’t shut up and maybe that was exactly what he needed.

  “So she took us on a like…a hundred thousand mile detour,” Kevin complained, “and instead of this trip taking a few days, it’s gonna take weeks. Weeks, Max! Fucking weeks alone with this girl, day in and day out. I won’t survive—”

  Max heard the door open and close again.

  “Hang on a second, Max.”

  “Sure.”

  “Jazz, where are you going?” he heard his brother say.

  “To the store,” a girl responded with a weird accent.

  “You can’t walk alone at night. I’ll come with you.”

  “Kevin, it’s just across the parking lot. You can watch me walk there from here. Besides, black belt in tae-kwon-do, remember? Anyone comes at me and I turn into a swirling storm of death. Kick, quick jab and—”

  “Yeah. Yeah,” Kevin said, brushing her off. “I get it. Go on with your bad self.” There were a few seconds of silence before he spoke again. “See what I mean, Max? Fucking bat-shit crazy!”

  Max chuckled. He hadn’t heard Kevin talk so much in a long while and it was refreshing. “You’re gonna stand outside until she gets back, aren’t you?” Max asked.

  “Yep.”

  “For someone who can’t stand her, you sure are protective.”

  “Shut up, Max! She’s not street-smart, alright? Black belt, my ass. Give her waffles and ice-cream and even aliens could abduct her without much of a fight.”

  “Whatever you say, Kev. Enjoy the rest of your birthday.”

  Kevin exhaled an exaggerated breath on the other end. “Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks again for the call.”

  And with that, Max hung up the phone and texted Jordan.

  Max: You can call him. He seems to be doing okay.

  Jordan: Cool. Gonna call him now.

  He pushed his phone into his pocket and smiled to himself. Kevin had not sounded happy, but he had not sounded sad either and Max concluded that this road trip might be the best thing to help his little brother move on after Perry’s death.

  * * *

  “That was a day well-spent,” Amber said as they walked out of Madame Fouche’s Day Spa.

  “I agree,” Lauren said from behind them. “And, Danielle, I know that you are busy now, but please do not let another two months go by before you contact us again.”

  Danny knew Lauren was merely teasing, but she still felt a jab of guilt. They had always made time for her when she did not have a job and yet she had been so overwhelmed with projects and events for the last few weeks that she had not even bothered to pick up the phone.

  “I’m sorry, Lauren. I’m still finding my feet and learning how to balance—”

  “Do not apologize, dear. I understand completely.”

  Amber stopped on the sidewalk and turned to Danny. “You don’t have to rush off, do you? I was thinking we could grab a cup of coffee.”

  “Sure,” Danny replied.

  “How about you, Lauren? Care to join us?”

  “I actually have to get going, girls. My grandchildren are with me for the weekend and I promised my husband I would not be long.”

  Lauren bid them farewell and they walked two blocks down to Amber’s favorite café. The air was refreshingly cool today as the beginning of winter approached. It was a welcomed break from the unrelenting heat they had experienced this summer.

  Amber ordered a Chai Latte and Danny ordered a cappuccino at the counter before they seated themselves at a table near the window.

  “God, I’ve missed you,” Amber said, tugging off her jacket. “And I’m loving the hair.”

  Danny twirled her fingers in her short dark hair. She had added blonde highlights last week and she was quite happy with the new look.

  “It’s very Halle Berry,” Amber said. “It suits you. Now tell me. How the hell have you been?”

  “Great! Life couldn’t be more perfect.” She pulled a business card out of her purse and showed it to Amber. “I started my own company.”

  Amber looked impressed as she studied the card. “Making memories,” she read aloud. “Good name.”

  “Yeah. I’m doing weddings now and birthday parties so it seemed appropriate. How have you been doing?”

  “Good. I’ve been working really hard and my boss decided to give me an extended vacation. This will be my first real vacation in three years so I’m spending Christmas at a ski-lodge with my parents. Maybe Santa will feel generous this year and give me a handsome skiing instructor.” She giggled as she sipped her latte. “You’re going to Montana with Max, right?”

  Danny scraped the foam off the top of her cappuccino and licked it off the spoon. “Yeah. They don’t really do anything for Thanksgiving, but they make a big deal about Christmas. I’m super excited to meet his family. A little nervous too. I guess every girlfriend goes through it.”

  Amber smiled with a hint of wariness. “How are things…going? Between you and Max, I mean. Has he told you…anything more about your past or…your relationship?”

  Danny could not help but feel that there was more to Amber’s questions than what was actually asked. “There are certain things that are not up for discussion,” she replied simply. “He’s generally very open, but as soon as Richard comes up, he just shuts off. It’s okay, though. I’ve come to accept that my relationship with Richard isn’t something he wants to talk about…and I don’t really need to know exactly what happened. Max has never lied to me and I trust him completely so I’m also trusting his judgment when it comes to my ex.”

  Amber was gnawing on her thumb nail now, looking stressed and nervous.

  “Is something the matter, Amber?”

  “No,” she replied immediately.

  Yet Danny still could not shake the feeling that she was holding something back. There was something about Richard that put all of them on edge. He truly was Voldemort.

  “Danny,” Amber began slowly, “how…how do you feel about…Max?”

  Danny found the question odd for one reason and one reason only. Max had done the same thing. After talking about Richard, he too had wanted confirmation about how she felt about him. She wanted to probe further then decided against it. She did not want yet another day to be ruined because of a man she didn’t know or care for. Instead she focused on the question that was asked. “I don’t know how to explain it,” she said. “It’s been a little over seven months and I know that’s not a long time, but I…I’m in love with him.”

  The tension left Amber’s shoulders and was replaced by a smile.

  “My brain
doesn’t remember,” Danny continued, “but it’s like…it’s like my heart knows him. I don’t know if you can understand what that feels like. I don’t even understand it. What I feel for him is beyond understanding…beyond conscious thought. I feel like I don’t need a past to build a future with him. I love him, Amber, and nothing will ever change that.”

  December

  Max secured the shopping bags around his wrists and hands and continued marching through the mall. Christmas was around the corner and they were leaving for Montana next week. It was not the last minute Christmas shopping or the stuffy, crowded mall that made him edgy. It was the fact that he was going to tell Danny the truth today.

  He had readied himself a few times to tell her and backed out at the last minute. He was nervous about her reaction. He knew she loved him. She had told him so a hundred times already. He had been waiting for her to feel like she had just as much to lose, but the fact that she loved him actually made the situation a whole lot worse.

  How was he going to look into the eyes of the woman who loved him and say:

  So, yeah…I’ve been lying to you since the minute we met and technically we were never dating because you were in love with someone else and you only ever saw me as a friend so I took advantage of your memory loss, pretended to be your boyfriend, and lied to you every single day for eight months. Oh, and by the way, just in case you thought that wasn’t bad enough. You were a virgin, saving yourself for someone special and because of my teeny, tiny white lie, we ended up sleeping together, but you love me so all that’s okay, right?

  How the fuck was he going to say that to her? There was a one-in-a-million chance that she would forgive him but even if she did look past the lie, he doubted that she would be able to trust him again. He regretted doing this for so long. This confession should have been done months ago, but she was going to meet his family next week and he could not postpone it any longer. Bringing his family into this lie was not an option and with the sheer size of his family, someone – probably Shane – was bound to fuck up.

  So today was the day he was going to get it all out in the open. He was leaving sufficient time for forgiveness before their trip so she would not feel obligated to come along. Once he told her everything, he was determined to rebuild her trust and then hopefully they could put it all behind them. A fresh start to the New Year, a new beginning with no secrets or lies.