Wanting to Remember, Trying to Forget (Meet the Shepards #1)

by Jacqueline Francis

  Max looked back and let out a frustrated breath when he saw Danny behind him, stopping at the window of every store to look inside.

  “Danny, can we please get a move on? I have a few more presents to buy and then I want to get outta here.”

  “Okay,” she said, quickening her steps to catch up to him. “No need to get so grumpy, Sugarpie.”

  She smiled and the aggravation melted. “One of those gifts are for you, by the way.”

  Her eyes lit up. “What are you getting for me?”

  “It’s a surprise so you need to make yourself scarce while I pick it up.”

  She pouted her lips and stared up at him with puppy-dog eyes. “You don’t have to wait for Christmas.”

  “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”

  She dropped the manipulative smile. “Fine. How long are you going to be?”

  “Probably a while. Still have to get something for my dad and Dom. They are impossible to buy for.”

  “Okay. I’m gonna go to the beach for a while and then I’ll meet you back at home.”

  Max wanted to argue because he didn’t want her walking alone, but the beach seemed like a good idea. It may put her in a better mood before he broke the news to her and the mall, the beach and their apartment were all in close proximity so he agreed.

  She lifted up on her toes and kissed him. His hand slipped to the small of her back. “I love you,” he whispered in her ear.

  “I love you, too,” she said before she turned and walked away.

  Max smiled despite the anxiety he felt. The anxiety wasn’t only because of what he had to tell her, it was also because of the gift he needed to buy.

  * * *

  Danny walked along the sidewalk, heading to the beach. The streets were a little busier because of the Christmas rush, but she didn’t really care. In eight days she would be leaving all this and flying to Montana with Max. She was so excited to finally meet his family. They were going to be staying at his parents’ house from the twenty-third to the thirtieth and that was sufficient time to reacquaint herself with all of them again. She had heard so many stories about them that she felt like she already knew most of them.

  Snow and Christmas lunch and stories by the fire was something she so wanted to be a part of. She missed Jake and she would always miss Jake but loneliness wasn’t something she felt anymore. Max had also found a way to fill the emptiness. When she had woken up in the hospital, scared and alone, she never would have thought that eight months later she could have found such bliss. She had so much to live for, so much to be proud of and even though she still wanted to remember, she no longer felt incomplete without those memories.

  Danny stepped off the sidewalk onto the street and loud honking made her head snap up. A car was heading towards her at an incredible speed, the sound of the hooter booming in her ears.

  In her panic to get away, she tripped over her own feet and landed with a heavy thump on the pavement. Fear heightened her senses. Tires screeched as the car swerved to avoid her. She sat on the pavement, her throat dry, her heart pounding as she tried to catch her breath. Her backside ached from hitting the concretes so hard. The smell of burnt rubber hung in the air, reminding her of…something. She tasted blood in her mouth but when she ran her finger along her inner lips, she found no blood. She felt a searing pain across her back and chest and as she rubbed it, all she felt were the scars.

  She slowly stood up, but before she could dust herself off, she was hit with the strangest dizzy spell and she saw a flash of white. She leaned against a wall for support, her breath staggering as she battled to take in air.

  As the white light faded, she saw Jake, lifting her up onto the rock on the beach so she could look further out into the ocean. The image was so real, it seemed like she reach out and touch him, but she knew he wasn’t there. She wasn’t even close to the beach yet.

  Her head felt heavy, swimming as more memories flashed. Jake dropping her off at school and telling her to have a great day. She saw faces of girls, not really recognizing them at first, but then her mind slotted the images in place and she realized it was her friends from high school, faces she had forgotten long before she lost her memory.

  She couldn’t see properly, her vision blurred by images that were not really there. She needed to get home. Stumbling along the pavement, Danny took unsteady steps as she tried to make her way to their apartment. She had only walked a few feet when another image blurred her vision.

  Auburn hair shimmered in the sunlight. It was Amber, beside her as they walked to class, talking about how she made out with James Cooper at a party the night before. Amber had not even completed her sentence when another memory flashed. Max running towards her, offering her money to go to his brother’s party.

  Like a light drizzle, little raindrops filling an empty jar, the information was released one small piece at a time.

  Practicing the Timbaland choreography in her dorm room led to…

  Max carrying her to dorm room the day Anthony left her stranded on the beach led to…

  The awful photographs that Anthony had taken of her, passed out and half-naked.

  That was when she felt the first kick, the first rupture of emotion. Disgust and shame for what he had done.

  She felt dizzy as more and more memories trickled in, the drizzle turning into rain.

  Danny began to walk faster, anxious to get home to familiar surroundings.

  Max punching Anthony in the face led to…

  Her placing an ice-pack on his eye after the five of them beat him up led to…

  Her cleaning up his wounds the day he came home bruised and battered.

  The last one was recent, after the accident. They were beginning to jumble up. Old memories were mixing with new ones.

  Chugging down her first beer at an orientation party with Amber beside her, cheering her on…

  Standing on her toes to kiss Max on the cheek…

  Jake singing happy birthday to her in the back yard of the garden cottage…

  She didn’t realize it, but she was running now, hurrying back to the apartment so she could be alone while her brain tried to sort out all this information. Her stomach was beginning to cramp. Her chest felt tight and constricted.

  Jake teaching her how to ride a bike…

  Max teaching her how to drive a car the first time… the second time…

  Going to the spa with Amber, Jen and Lauren…

  Talking to Jennifer at the charity dinner…

  Another kick of emotion. Emptiness. Helplessness because she didn’t know why they were all keeping her in the dark.

  Danny stopped at the bottom of the stairwell leading up to their apartment and tried to catch her breath. She placed both hands on either side of her head and tried to stop the throbbing between her temples.

  Pizza at Rocko’s…

  Studying at Rocko’s…

  Flash mob at Rocko’s…

  Man with black hair and green eyes…

  All of those memories included Max except the last one but before she could focus on the other man; he disappeared, taken away to be slotted into the right place in her mind and was replaced by another downpour of flashing images.

  She raced up to the stairs to the fourth floor and stumbled in as she opened the apartment door. She threw herself onto the sofa and allowed whatever was happening inside her head to take its course.

  Memories of Max dominated her thoughts.

  Video games…

  Board games…

  Card games…

  Him cheating at every single one…

  Pillow fights…

  Tickle fights…

  Real fights…

  Man with black hair and green eyes…

  Again she tried to get a fix on this other man but it was gone in a millisecond. The flashes were only lasting a few seconds now, the memory not really complete before another one came. It was confusing her. Each one brought with it the emotion that was originally attache
d and every time the memory changed, so did her feelings. She felt like she was standing alone, trying to catch every drop of rain in her tiny, little jar, but it was impossible. There were too many and they were coming and going too fast.

  Max holding her after Jake died…

  Watching them lower his coffin into the ground…

  The memories were making her feel too many things. Comfort. Sadness.

  They were moving so fast that she found herself laughing and crying at the same time.

  Max with his arm casually around her shoulder…

  Kissing her on the side of her head…

  Kissing her lips before moving down her neck…

  Her breath caught in her throat. Another kick of emotion. Uneasiness. Ecstasy. Which one was it? It was gone before she could decide.

  His hands on her body…

  On her breast…

  On her thighs…

  Man with black hair and green eyes…

  Anger. Desire. Embarrassment.

  Laughing with him…

  Nudging him as he joked….

  Moaning his name as he rocked above her…

  Joy. Pleasure. Discomfort.

  Her head was ready to explode. She couldn’t keep up with every thought, trapped in a vortex as everything spun around her.

  Stomping in puddles…

  Running in the rain…

  His hot mouth closing over her cold skin…

  She felt nauseous, her stomach churning, turning over with all the emotions swirling inside her. She tried to focus on one…just one but every moment over the last ten years seem to weld itself to another and she could not distinguish between them. She couldn’t stop it, couldn’t slow it down. It floated in front of her and just as she thought she could take hold of it, it was ripped out of her reach.

  Laughing… Crying… Kissing… Touching… Joy… Sorrow… Pleasure… Pain… Holding… Hugging… Friendship… Fear… Jealousy… Cuddling… Caressing… Excitement… Love… Giggling… Talking… Anger… Screaming…

  And then everything stopped. Her head went blank and she took a few minutes to pull herself together, catch her breath and settle her stomach.

  Everything was a muddled mess in a head, her body tense from feeling way too much in a short space of time. She zoned out for some time and then tried to focus on one thought, one emotion.

  Intrigued by the flashing images of the man with black hair and green eyes, she decided to focus on him. He was the only person she had not recognized immediately. She closed her eyes and tried to bring the memories to the fore at will. Concentrating, searching, sifting through all the scattered information until she managed to find him. Focus… Focus… And then finally…

  “Oh, my God!” Her eyes flew open. “Richard!”

  Betrayal.

  * * *

  Danny sat on the sofa, stewing in contempt. Every time a thought of Max popped up, she squashed it and threw it to the back of her mind where it belonged. He lied! For so many months, he’d been lying to her. How could he do that? Why would he do that?

  He had taken advantage of her amnesia after the most traumatic experience of her life. There was only one way to describe what he had done. Sick!

  They were supposed to be friends, but friends don’t trick each other into bed. She had been lost, looking for her way to get a life back. What she had not realized was that the entire picture he’d painted was a complete fabrication in his disgusting game. She had kissed him, gave herself to a man who was twisted enough to use her tragedy for his own gain. Never had she imagined that he would do something like that.

  Friends. That was all they were to each other, but he had lied to her every day, over and over again to keep up this facade. She had asked him so many times what he was hiding and all he had said in response was nothing. Nothing. This was not nothing. All her emotions had shut off and the only thing she felt was blinding rage.

  He had probably also lied to Richard to keep him away. She would have to deal with that later. She could not feel anything else, could not focus on anything else except the anger gushing through her.

  She heard the key being slotted into the keyhole and her heart began to beat faster, a cold sweat trickling down her skin. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to see the face of the man who she had trusted for so long.

  “Danny?” he called as he entered.

  She didn’t respond, trying to delay the point where she would have to confront him.

  She heard him drop the parcels on the dining table behind her. “There you are.” He leaned over the back of the sofa to kiss her and she tilted her head the other way. “Hey.” He walked around the sofa and knelt down in front of her. She shut her eyes and her breathing elevated.

  “What’s the matter?”

  She opened her eyes and the first sight of him made her blood reach boiling point. “Oh, nothing’s the matter, Sugarpie. I mean, apart from the fact that I just realized what an asshole you are.”

  His face flinched and she saw the guilt in his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

  “Are you really going to look me in the eye and lie to me again?”

  His eyes widened. He knew. “When…How…Are you…Danny, I can explain.”

  “Explain what, exactly?” She stood up. He stood up, too, rising head and shoulders above her. “Tell me, how can you explain the fact that you have been lying to me for months!” She shoved his shoulder. “What could possibly justify the fact that you took advantage of my situation? You’re sick, Max. So frickin sick!”

  “Look…I’m…I’m sorry for lying to you, but just hear me out. I was—”

  “I trusted you.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.” Panic was setting in. He was talking faster, breathing erratically. “Just sit down and let me explain what happened.”

  “Were you ever going to tell me the truth?”

  “Yes! I was going to tell you tonight.”

  “Oh, how convenient.”

  “I swear…I swear I was gonna tell you tonight. I was just waiting for—”

  Every word out of his mouth only irritated her more. “You’re a LIAR!” she screamed, shoving so hard that he took a few steps back.

  His jaw clenched, but panic swallowed his anger. “Don’t push me. Just calm down and we can talk about this.”

  “Talk?” She pushed him again, resentment building with every second she had look at his deceitful face. “The right time to talk would have been when I asked you what you were hiding. We were supposed to be friends. You were all I had and I trusted you!”

  He lowered his head, ashamed. “I’m so sorry, but please…just let me explain. We can work through this.”

  “We? There is no we. Everything that happened between us was one big, colossal lie. It wasn’t real.”

  “You don’t…you don’t mean that.” His voice lowered to a tremulous whisper. “You can’t mean that. You’re just angry and upset. You can’t possibly mean that.”

  Those words were wasted on her. It was meant more for his own benefit. He was trying to convince himself that maybe they could find a way forward, but in her mind, there was no moving past this.

  “What were you expecting, Max? You can’t build anything with someone who only knows half the facts. And the fact is: we were nothing more than friends. If I was in my right mind—”

  “Stop! You need to calm down. This is dangerous and it could get very ugly, so I suggest you watch what you say to me. Because once it’s out, you can’t take it back.”

  “The only thing I wish I could take back was the last eight months.” He cringed, pain creasing his forehead, but she continued with her attack. “How could you do that? How could you look me in the eye and not feel an ounce of guilt, create this entire relationship, force me into your bed with your lies?”

  “F-forced?” It came out as a stutter because she had literally knocked the wind out of him with that statement. His face dropped, devoid of any emotion. “Really? That’s the word y
ou gonna use? Forced? Danny, we both know that’s not how it happened.”

  “Nothing would have happened if you had told me the truth from the very beginning. Why, Max? Why would you do that?”

  His jaw clenched again and she saw only agony in his brown eyes. “After everything we’ve been through, how can you still not see it?”

  The words caused images to flash in her mind. Rain. Bathroom. Screaming. Kissing. She stopped it dead in its tracks, pushing it out of her head before she remembered what it felt like to kiss him. She didn’t want to think about kissing him. She killed every feeling because it was all a fabrication and only allowed herself to hold onto the anger she had felt that day.

  “I don’t see anything except the liar standing in front of me.”

  “Danny, please.” He reached out to take her hand but she yanked it out of his grip. He let her go and clasped his hands together behind his head. The panic on his face evolved to desperation. “Will you just listen to me for a second? Please…let’s just talk this through. Let me explain my side and then after—”

  “There’s nothing to explain,” she derided. “You took advantage of me. You can’t explain that away. I can’t believe you would do that when you know how I feel about Richard.”

  His hands balled into tight fists, his breathing became shallow, like he was on the verge of crying. “Richard?” He looked away for a few seconds before his pain-filled eyes met hers again. “All of this is because of Richard? Danny, the words know and feel aren’t past tense. What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m not trying to say it. I’m saying it. You and I never should’ve happened. I’m in love with Richard.”

  His breathing stilled. His face drained of color. She noticed his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed and the amount of times he blinked told her that he was trying to pull the tears back into his body. When he finally looked at her again, he was a different man. She never thought she would see the day that those brown eyes would look at her like that. It was something to behold, almost devastating to witness.