Wanting to Remember, Trying to Forget (Meet the Shepards #1)

by Jacqueline Francis

  Danny laughed and jabbed him with her elbow before reaching for the salad.

  “Do you remember your first Christmas with us?” Shane asked her. “God, that turkey couldn’t have tasted worse if it came out of the dishwasher. Dom even told Tracey not give any to Madison. She was only a year old at the time and he didn’t want to be racing her to the hospital on Christmas.”

  Danny’s mouth dropped in shock. “You said that, Dom?”

  Dominic laughed sheepishly. “It was awful, Danny, and parents are always paranoid with their first born. If it’s any consolation, I would definitely feed your cooking to Makayla.”

  “Really?”

  “Well…no. Max says you’ve gotten progressively worse over the years.”

  Max was the one who received an elbow-jab now.

  “You have other talents,” Shane’s eyes mocked reassurance. “Like putting up with my brother. It must be so painful for you living with him now. He’s such a neat-freak. Everything must be in its place. No dirty dishes in the sink…”

  Max took a few slices of gammon as Shane jabbered on.

  “Remember how you thought he was actually gonna ask you out?” Shane said, looking at Danny.

  “Did I say that?” she responded, looking confused.

  This was news to Max too.

  “Yeah, and here you are years later, living with him, and he still hasn’t made a move. He brought you to my birthday party to prove he could get it right with a college girl and he still doesn’t have enough game to do it.”

  Max smiled to himself. His instinct had been right. If Danny hadn’t found out the truth, Shane would have definitely spilled the beans. These were things they joked about every year at the dining table and it always used to make him feel awkward because he didn’t want her finding out how he felt about her. This year was different, though. Everything was out in the open and the woman he loved was now his girlfriend.

  He was about to set the record straight, but Shane carried on blabbing.

  Danny took his hand under the table and smiled at him. He smiled back, stroking his thumb over her hand.

  “You two should just bone and get it over with,” Kevin said from the across the table.

  Danny giggled and turned the brightest shade of pink.

  “Ugh, you did?” Kevin’s face contorted with disgust. “That’s gross! I think I just lost my appetite.”

  “But don’t worry, Danny,” Shane said, completely oblivious that they had all stopped listening half-way through. “It’s better that you two are just friends. My little brother is too moody. Both of them are.”

  Max looked over at Kevin as Shane carried on taking verbal jabs at them.

  “Blah. Blah. Blah,” Kevin mouthed, using his hand as a flapping mouth. “Fucking Virgos,” he said only loud enough for Max to hear.

  “Speaking about Virgos,” Max said, “did that girl on the road trip end up driving you crazy?”

  Max had meant it as a joke but when Kevin’s jaw tightened and he stared down at his plate, he knew he had struck a nerve with that question.

  “You have no fucking idea,” his brother whispered.

  Max looked over at Jordan and her raised eyebrows told him that she had also picked up a weird vibe. They were arguing with their eyes as to which one of them were going to bring it up until eventually he mouthed, “Later.” to her.

  If they were going to get anything out of him, there needed to be less people in the room.

  When everyone had stuffed themselves to the brim, his mother began clearing the dirty dishes.

  “Let’s open presents first, Mom,” Dominic suggested.

  “Yeah,” Max and Shane agreed in unison.

  “Boys, we have the same argument every year. Dishes first because no-one wants to work after opening presents.”

  “I’ll help, Mommy Jess,” Danny offered.

  “Me too,” Tracey added. “Besides, the kids are all excited.”

  His mother gave in with a sigh and they all walked to the living room. The next half an hour was Max’s favorite part of Christmas. It wasn’t about the presents. It was about the joy on everyone’s face. The kisses and the hugs, excitement and surprise. He loved watching Danny while all of this was going on. The smile on her face was so wide, it looked like her cheeks would hurt once she stopped. She blended in so perfectly with the rest of his family and watching her with them made him want a family of his own. Maybe it was time to take back that ring.

  After presents, Debbie laid out dessert in the dining room. Danny and Tracey kept their promise and disappeared into the kitchen to clean up. Jordan cut a slice of cake for both of them while Kevin scooped out a huge helping of vanilla ice-cream and drowned it in chocolate sauce. It was something he and Perry used to do from the time they were kids and Max could never understand why they never opted for chocolate ice-cream instead.

  “Kevin, don’t you think that’s too much chocolate sauce?” Max asked.

  Sadness hazed his eyes for a brief second before he forced a smile. “You can never have too much chocolate sauce.”

  The three of them took their usual seats at the table. They weren’t alone. His three nieces were running around the table, chasing each other with the toy guns he had actually bought for his nephews. It only took a few minutes before Jordan’s blue-gray eyes started asking him to probe.

  Eventually he gave up arguing with eyebrows and head tilts and cleared his throat.

  “So Kevin,” he began nervously, “what happened with that girl?”

  Balled fists, clenched jaw and then he stood up. “I don’t want to talk about her…ever.” He walked to the girls on the other side of the room and took his ice-cream drenched in chocolate sauce with him. “Hey, girls,” he said, kneeling down in front of them. “Why don’t we go watch a movie?”

  “Yeah,” Makayla chirped.

  “What do you wanna watch?” Mackenzie asked.

  “How about…Wreck-it Ralph?” Kevin responded.

  “Uncle Kevin, you hate Vanelope,” Madison said. “You say she talks too much.”

  The sigh he released sounded disconsolate. “I might have had a slight change of heart.”

  Madison jumped onto his back, he took Mackenzie in one arm and Makayla in the arm that held his bowl of ice cream and walked out.

  And so ended their attempt to bond with their brother. “Good talk,” Max said even though he was already gone.

  “Well, that went well.” Jordan slowly chewed the cake in her mouth. “Something definitely happened with that girl.” She was about to take another bite then stopped. “Hey, how come Kevin never snaps at you? If that were me, he would have bit my head off, but all you get is I don’t wanna talk about her.”

  “Because I’m his favorite.”

  “Yeah, I doubt that.”

  He had only been alone with Jordan for a short while when Kevin came racing back into the dining room and peeked through the window overlooking the front yard.

  “Fuck!”

  “What’s wrong, Bink?” Jordan asked.

  “Nothing,” he grumbled. “She’s just bat-shit fucking crazy.”

  He ran out of the room and a few seconds later they heard the hard slam of the front door.

  Jordan looked around the room, completely confused. “What’s going on?”

  “It’s her!” Max hurried to the window. “Get up! Get up! It’s her. The girl he doesn’t wanna talk about.”

  “How do you know?”

  “She’s the one who’s bat-shit crazy.”

  “I told you to stay away from me!” Kevin shouted once he was outside and that was the only thing they heard before his voice became muffled with wind and distance.

  They watched as he stormed down the snow-covered driveway, chasing after a girl who had quickened her steps to a power-jog to get away from him. Their brother was short, but she was tiny even compared to him. He caught up to her in the middle of the street.

  “She’s dressed like an eskimo,” Jo
rdan commented.

  “I don’t think she’s from around here. She has a weird accent. Maybe she’s not used to the weather.”

  Max couldn’t really see clearly from so far away, but they were definitely having a heated argument. “Oh, God. Kevin’s gonna say something awful.”

  “What are you two doing?” Mom asked from behind them. “Are you two spying on your brother? Get away from that window!”

  Jordan glanced back to look at her. “Momma, when I was making out with Billy Mason in the backyard and Kevin and Perry were spying on me from the tree-house, you didn’t say anything.”

  “That’s because you shouldn’t have been making out with Billy Mason in the backyard. Now leave your brother alone.” She picked up the dirty dessert dishes and left the room again.

  “Can she make it any more obvious that he’s her favorite?” Jordan asked irritably.

  Max was too engrossed in the disaster unfolding outside to answer her question. “Oh, Jo-jo, this is bad.”

  “Give him some credit, Max. If he didn’t want to talk to her, he would have stayed inside.”

  This was easy money. Jordan couldn’t see the signs. Kevin’s hands were clasped at the back of his head, a clear sign of stress, anger or hurt. It didn’t matter which one it was. Any of them was enough to make him snap. “Twenty bucks. He’s gonna say something awful. She’s gonna jump in her car and drive off.”

  “Deal.”

  His words weren’t even cold before that exact sequence of events played out. Max held out his hand when the car disappeared around the curb. “Pay up, Jo-jo.”

  Jordan left the room for a minute, returned with her purse, and paid him his winnings.

  “Easiest twenty bucks I’ve ever made.”

  Max grinned even though he still felt wary. Whoever that bat-shit crazy girl was, she had certainly rubbed Kevin up the wrong way.

  * * *

  Danny walked into Dominic’s old bedroom and closed the door, feeling completely exhausted. Another incredible Christmas at the Shepards. More beautiful memories to slot in place.

  She had a shower, washing off the bright pink make-up the girls had plastered on her face. She saw Max sitting at the edge of the bed when she came out of the bathroom.

  “Did you have a good time?” he asked.

  “Always.” She sat down beside him. “Today brought back even more memories and…I wanna ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Why didn’t you ever ask me out?”

  “What?”

  She shifted her body so that she could have a better look at him. “When Shane was talking this afternoon, he said that I thought you were gonna ask me out and it got me thinking and…maybe it’s because I just got it all back but I remember it so clearly now. I was waiting for you to ask me out.”

  His forehead crinkled. “I don’t understand. That was years ago.”

  “I know. When we first met, I had the biggest crush on you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. That’s why I changed our deal. I gave you back the money and I asked you to type out all my assignments so I could spend more time with you. And then I started asking you to parties. And then we were practicing our Timbaland dance for weeks in my dorm room, every day, hours at a time…so when you first invited me to spend Christmas with your family, I thought you were going to ask me out for sure…but you didn’t.” She shook her head. “You would look at me sometimes and I would think, of course this guy is in to me and then nothing. So when Anthony came along…I only dated him to make you jealous and you were so jealous. It didn’t make sense that you still did nothing. He told me he couldn’t deal with you being so over-protective and I needed to choose. I didn’t even think twice about it. And when you carried me to my dorm room, I thought you were gonna kiss me…and you didn’t.”

  Max huffed out a frustrated breath, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “You were drunk, Danny.”

  “That day, yeah, but what about the next day, after I broke up with him…or the day after that? I initiated everything and I was just waiting for you to do…something.”

  Memories were amazing and it’s so easy for people to take them for granted. Memories aren’t just thoughts or reminders of events. They shaped a person, made them who they are. You don’t dive into a pool unless you remember how to swim. You don’t touch a hot stove because you remember you got burned.

  Like driving to a new place for the first time, nervous and cautious, taking in all the details so you don’t get lost. But after it’s been done a few times, you start doing it without thinking. The details and feelings fade away. Memories become habits, second nature. That was what had happened with Max.

  “After a few months,” Danny said, “I kinda buried the idea that we could be more than friends. I told myself to stop reading into everything you did. I stopped getting excited every time you kissed the side of my head. I stopped seeing…all those little things.”

  And that’s what Max became after a while. A faded crush. He was just one of those things she got used to, the drive without taking in the details. Months turned into years and she simply forgot that once upon a time she had wanted something more. It became habitual to suppress her feelings, second nature, something she did without thinking and it was so easy to take him for granted.

  Max moved off the bed and knelt down in front her so he could look up at her face. “I didn’t know,” he whispered. “You are so out of my league, I didn’t think…I guess I’m just as guilty for not seeing you. We’ve wasted a lot of time, Danny. Both of us waiting for the other to make a move. Seven fucking years.” He was more than exasperated. “I’m not wasting any more time, not one more minute.” He reached into his pocket and her heart stopped when she saw the blue suede box in his hand, the box she thought was still in her purse. “You are the most difficult person in the world. You are stubborn, absent-minded, violent with a nasty fucking temper…but you are so easy to love. I know it’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but let’s make it official.” He opened the box, a nervous smile tugging at his lips. “Danielle…will you marry me?”

  She threw herself at him with so much force he fell back against the floor. “Yes!” she shrieked.

  She kissed him with the longing of seven years, losing herself in their history. It was astounding what had happened in one year. From friends to strangers and strangers to lovers. Small gifts and big fights. Good friends and bad decisions. First kisses and last chances. Old habits and new beginnings. Losing her past only to find a future in the arms of her best friend.

  Yes, memories truly were amazing. Memories kept fears alive. Memories fueled insecurities. Memories made love possible. She had lost all the information that made her who she was. Fate decided to strip her bare, take away her friends, her career, her self.

  Maybe that had been the plan all along. Her cosmic path. Her destiny. Maybe she had to be left with nothing in order to realize that she already had everything.

  “I love you. I love you, Max Shepard.”

  He smiled, the dimple deepening on his left cheek as he brushed his lips against hers. “And don’t you forget it,” he whispered.

  Playlist

  I’ve actually seen that most authors have an attachment to music. I am the same. Music helps me capture emotion. I put my headphones, close my eyes, and just type. There are few songs mentioned in the book already, but here is a list of all the songs I used as inspiration for this book:

  Timbaland and Keri Hilson: The Way I Are

  Offspring: Pretty Fly for a White Guy

  Beach Boys: Kokomo

  D-side: Invisible

  O-town: All or Nothing (Max’s general state of mind)

  Awolnation: Sail (Bathroom – that’s all I’m going to say)

  5 Seconds of Summer: Amnesia (my sister sent me this gem just before I wrote the motel room scene – so fitting)

  Ed Sherran: We Found Love

  Mariah Carey: Without You />
  I also used my love of star signs to help me build the characters. If you are also interested in star signs, I have included some info about Leo-Aries compatibility:

  When Aries and Leo come together in a love affair, the sparks will fly! Both are Fire Signs, passionate and dynamic, with a healthy love of sportsmanship and competition. There is a lot of action in this relationship. Both Signs want to be the boss and problems can arise when their equally-large egos get in the way. These partners have genuine admiration and respect for each other, but they need to learn to take turns commanding and giving orders.

  Both Aries and Leo are Fire Signs. This tends to be a very heated and passionate relationship. When it’s good it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad it’s all about loud arguments and damaged egos. In this partnership there’s always competition as to who’s in charge. Since a love relationship shouldn’t be about power, this can become a problem. Although the relationship may be explosive, once they find an equilibrium, it promises to be truly rewarding and fulfilling.

  Get in My Head

  *CONTAINS SPOILERS*

  DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE FINISHED THE BOOK.

  I really hope you enjoyed reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it. I loved every minute of exploring all the characters and was quite surprised with the final product.

  For me personally, I like watching the behind the scenes of a movie to find out more about how the story evolved and when I read a book, I always wonder what the author was thinking or feeling when they wrote it. Sometimes I love the characters so much, I want to know more about them, so I decided to include this for readers like me. Here’s a few things that even I had not anticipated when I first started writing Wanting to Remember.

  So I thought of the basic premise and a few key scenes. I knew where I wanted the story to go but I didn’t really think about how I would get there. By the time I got to mid-February, all of them kinda came to life and took over, and I completely lost control of the story, which brings me to my next point.

  I would like to apologize for the fluctuating humor. When I started writing Wanting to Remember, I really expected it to be a light-hearted comedy throughout, maybe just little emotional at the end. When I read it as a completed book, I was like: Well, this isn’t really a comedy. Actually, it’s borderline depressive at times.