The Lingerie Designer

by Siobhán McKenna

  Cyril didn’t lecture. “How are Poppy and Lily? I haven’t seen them since last week.”

  “As well as can be expected, I guess. Lily had a major shock with the accident but it has brought out the survivor in her – in a good way. Poppy’s been great, bringing me food and sending me healing light.” Helen raised her eyes to heaven and smiled at her friend’s different approach to grief. “Sometimes when I get home from the hospital, there’s a weird smell around the house. Poppy has been burning sage, to get rid of negative energy or something like that.” Helen fell silent. The truth was there was a strain between herself and Poppy, since that dreadful phone call in Hanoi.

  “I wonder will anything ever be the same again?” She looked at Cyril.

  “We can’t give up hope, Helen. Poppy’s doing her best – you know everyone deals with trauma differently.”

  “I know that. I think, even though she tried not to show it, she was angry with me that we were halfway around the world when the accident happened – I’d talked her into the holiday. Then there’s the guilt.”

  “Guilt?”

  “I know Poppy. Mum was like a mother to her, but Lily is her child. Poppy naturally would have felt a huge relief that Lily walked away from the accident, with minor injuries. That she’s not the one still in a coma. What she’s feeling is perfectly normal, I know. Survivor’s guilt.” Helen rubbed her finger, no gold ring to twist.

  “And what do you feel?” Cyril asked gently.

  “I want to tell her it’s okay, it’s not anyone’s fault. Mum had a heart attack at the wheel. But then, I keep thinking if Mum hadn’t been bringing Lily out for a bite to eat, she wouldn’t have been driving that night and she’d still be here.”

  A silence fell between them.

  “I know, I shouldn’t think like that. I know it’s unkind and I love Lily, I really do, but when the pain gets so bad all I can think of is ‘what if’ and part of me resents that Poppy and Lily still have each other. I feel like an outsider now. I sound horrible, don’t I? I shouldn’t feel this way.” Helen couldn’t cope with the feelings of shame, on top of all her other emotions.

  “Not at all – emotions are running high at the moment, that’s all. It’s only been a few weeks. It sounds like a cliché but time is a great healer.” Cyril took a deep breath before continuing. “I wish I’d gone to pick them up. That was the plan, you know. Then I had to run a blasted errand, for the old folks. I rang Mary from my mobile and asked would she mind driving herself and I’d meet them there.” He bowed his head as he thought about it.

  “What if,” Helen smiled. Cyril was a good man, in his seventies himself, but always running around after “the old folks” of his parish, picking up their prescriptions, giving them lifts to their chiropodist appointments. He went swimming in the sea, a few times a week, twelve months of the year. He reckoned that’s what kept him youthful. She could see why Mary wanted to be with him. He was the first man Helen had seen her mother with since her father.

  “How long is it since your wife died, Cyril?”

  “Nearly ten years now. Breast cancer, God rest her soul. A good woman she was too. God always takes the good ones young. Guess I’ll be around for a while longer so!” Cyril’s joke was a welcome relief.

  “You’ve a daughter living abroad somewhere, don’t you?”

  “Yes – Maeve – she lives in Canada, married a Canadian chap. They’ve three grand little ones. Ah, she’s settled there now, wants me to go over for Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year. Says the kids should know their ‘Irish grandpa’.” Cyril laughed as he made inverted commas with his index fingers.

  “That’d be some trip – six weeks, at least.” It seemed to Helen everyone had another life to go to.

  “It’s too far. I couldn’t be sitting on a plane for that long, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. And it gets very cold over there, snow six-feet high.” He shook his head and admitted coyly, “The kids are great of course but a week is about as much as I can manage.”

  “So does that mean you’ll be here for Christmas?”

  “Yes. Listen, I know you’ve probably not thought about Christmas this year and I know you young ones have lots of invitations and friends, but if you don’t get a better offer I’d be delighted if you, Poppy and Lily would let me cook you Christmas dinner. I make a mean cranberry sauce, you know.” He looked at Helen hopefully.

  “Thank you, Cyril, that’s very kind of you and if I was in Dublin I’d have been honoured to share Christmas with you.”

  The oven-timer pinged to indicate the chicken was cooked. Cyril went to fetch an oven-glove from the counter top.

  “Are you considering staying in London then?” he asked. “I thought everything more or less shuts down in offices until January the second?” He opened the oven door and a plume of steam billowed out. “Ah, looks perfect,” he said, removing the crisp golden bird.

  “Smells delicious.” Helen felt pangs of hunger for the first time in ages.

  “This is just a taster. I cook wild goose at Christmas – I’m famed for it, in fact.” He set the roast bird down, to cool.

  “Modest as well, I see,” she teased. “Anyway, they’re not big into Christmas in Asia – it’s just another day actually.”

  “I don’t understand – Eden hardly expect you to go there over Christmas, do they?” Cyril sat back down.

  “Well,” Helen said, shifting uncomfortably, “the company made me an offer – a promotion with more money and better job security.” She poured salt on the table top and made shapes with her finger, unable to look Cyril in the eye. “The thing is – the position is in Hong Kong.”

  Cyril gawped at her, his mouth open.

  “It’s a great opportunity. I get to build a new design team from scratch – actually I’ll get to design myself as well, not just all paperwork, costings and targets. I even get a fully serviced apartment overlooking Hong Kong harbour – all paid for.” She bit her lip.

  Cyril found his voice. “But what about your mother? She might wake up – and you’ll be in Asia?”

  Helen took a deep breath, finally looking up. “Don’t you see, Cyril, that’s just it. I don’t have a choice. Mary’s medical bills keep mounting up. Dad’s pension isn’t enough. I need to keep the health insurance – as my next-of-kin, I insured her under the Eden employee scheme. They’ve even agreed to pay for a return flight home once a month. It’s an incredible offer.”

  “And you’re going – permanently?”

  “A two-year contract – I leave next week.” Helen looked down. “I can’t see any other option.”

  The doorbell rang.

  Saved by the bell.

  Helen jumped up to get it.

  Through the stained-glass side-panels, Helen could see the figure of a man holding a bunch of flowers. Not more bloody flowers, she thought with annoyance. What were people thinking, Mary didn’t need flowers – she needed a miracle.

  “Yes?” Helen said briskly as she opened the door.

  The young man stammered, looking uncomfortable. “I was looking for Mrs Devine.” He twisted the small posy of deep-purple stock, nervously.

  There was something oddly familiar about him. He was well-built with broad shoulders. His skin had the last remains of adolescent pimples. But it was his eyes that caught Helen’s attention – so green – where had she seen him before?

  “I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to be rude.” She felt a pang, of something, for the boy. “Would you like to come in?” She stepped aside to let him in. “I’m afraid Mary was in an accident last month.” She still choked as she uttered those words.

  “Oh.” The boy’s face went pale.

  “She’s in a coma. I’m her daughter – Helen.”

  “I know,” he replied, in a soft English accent. He continued to twist the flowers to the point where petals started to fall on the floor.

  “Excuse me,” said Helen, perplexed, “I know I’ve met you before but I can’t place you. It�
��s just been crazy around here the past few weeks. It’s just all a bit of a blur really. How do you know my mother?” She folded her arms as she felt a shiver.

  “She is, um, my grandmother.” He looked her in the eye.

  “Excuse me?” Helen’s head was spinning.

  The eyes, now she knew why they were so familiar.

  “I’m Daniel.”

  She saw those eyes every time she looked in a mirror.

  “I’m your son.”

  Chapter 58

  “I’ve dreamt of this moment for so many years. I can’t believe it’s actually happening.” Sitting opposite Daniel in the living room, Helen struggled to find something profound or even motherly to say but words were failing her. She wanted to study his face, up close, get to know every bit of it. But of course she couldn’t so instead she drank in every part of him with her eyes. He had Rob’s dark hair, a whole mop of it – but Daniel’s had a wave – he must have got that from her. He had Rob’s nose complete with the little bump on the bridge. And the mouth? Helen guessed that was one hundred per cent Daniel’s own.

  “Yeah, me too.” Daniel wasn’t faring much better in the conversation department.

  Thankfully, Cyril came to the rescue. “Now, if Mary was here she’d make us all sit and have a nice cup of tea. I’ll put the kettle on.” Mary had been very excited recently but she’d insisted she couldn’t tell him anything until she’d spoken to Helen first. “Except you, Helen – you look like you need a brandy first,” he said as he opened the drinks cabinet. He handed the amber liquid to Helen. “Right, I’ll leave you two to talk.”

  Cyril discreetly disappeared, closing the living-room door behind him.

  Helen left the brandy untouched.

  “I don’t know where to start, Daniel. I’ve so much to explain, so much to ask. How are you?” She hoped she didn’t sound too formal. Every fibre in her body wanted to rush over, hug the boy and cry. She wanted to cry a lot.

  “I’m good, thanks. I mean, I’m shocked to hear about Mrs Devine, Mary, though.” He bit his lower lip. He tapped his foot up and down, which caused more petals to fall.

  “They’re beautiful flowers,” Helen said, looking at the half-strangled stalks. “Devine women’s favourite – purple stock.”

  “Would you like them?” He quickly held out the heavily scented flowers.

  She leant forward. “I’d love them, thank you, Daniel.” As she reached out, their hands touched, for the first time since the day she’d given birth to him. And then, she couldn’t help it, a tear escaped, followed by another and another.

  “Please don’t cry, Helen, I didn’t mean to upset you. Do you want me to leave?” he asked wide-eyed, his foot tapping furiously fast.

  “No! Definitely not. It’s just been such a rollercoaster, but trust me, Daniel, these are tears of happiness. I just wish I’d been better dressed for the occasion!” She looked down at her scruffy runners. “I’m usually rather glamorous, would you believe?”

  They laughed.

  “I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from Mary, thought I’d upset her or something,” he said, as he studied Helen’s face. “What happened?”

  “It was a car accident – a heart attack which caused the accident actually. All these years I’ve worried about her diabetes. A heart attack didn’t occurred to me.”

  “Will she be okay?” Daniel’s eyebrows knitted, making his young face look older.

  “We don’t know. The odds are stacked against her. But she’s holding her own, for now.”

  Daniel nodded.

  “I don’t understand though,” said Helen. “How come you were in touch with Mum?”

  “Well, you left your name and this address with the adoption board, so I could contact you when I turned eighteen, if I wanted.”

  She nodded – she remembered only too well the protocol. She was unable to contact her son. She could let him know where to find her, in case he wanted to find her when he reached adulthood – but it had to be his decision.

  “I decided to just knock on the door, not phone or anything, but you weren’t here,” he continued. “Mary opened the door, and it was weird. It was like she’d been expecting me or something.”

  “That’s Mum alright,” Helen smiled.

  “She said you don’t live here any more, but you live close by and that you work in London and were in Hong Kong at the moment.”

  Helen thought back to the phone call from her mother when she’d been sitting in the hotel business lounge. “I’ve something important to tell you, love. Not over the phone though. Will you be home this weekend?” Helen had wrongly assumed that ‘important’ in Mary’s eyes would be something to do with a nice sensible employment opportunity in Dublin that she’d spotted in her weekly scan of the recruitment section of the newspaper.

  I’m so sorry Mum – I should have listened to you.

  “I called a few times, while you were away. We’d hang out, she’d cook me dinner, tell me stories about you and how successful you are. And Granddad, how cool was that – fighting in the Vietnam war, I mean apart from the dying bit.”

  He has my way with words all right.

  “My mates were very jealous. I couldn’t have dreamed up a better imaginary family. A granddad fighter pilot and a lingerie-designer mum!” He shifted his feet. “I enjoyed listening to Mary. Talking to her, everything made sense – why you had me adopted, that is.”

  There it was, those words. Why did I give him up – why did I?

  Every time Daniel paused it was as if there was something else he wanted to say that he couldn’t quite come out with.

  “I thought it was for the best, at the time,” she said. “I’ve always wondered if I did the right thing, struggled with it actually.”

  “I’ve got a good life, Helen, honestly. I always knew my parents adopted me and that my real mother was single and a teen. Mum and Dad said it made me more special because they’d picked me especially.” The words gushed out of Daniel as he sat at the edge of the seat.

  “I’m glad, Daniel.”

  “I decided I wanted to go to uni here. I’m in Dublin City University – I started a few weeks ago.” His face lit up – he was obviously enjoying his new life.

  “I’m surprised Mary didn’t try to get you to move in with her then!” she laughed.

  “She fed me well, that’s for sure,” he smiled. “She even wanted me to bring my washing – must admit I thought about it.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Daniel, I’ve succumbed to Mary’s generosity myself in that regard at times.” Helen paused. “Cyril must have gone to China for the tea.” She looked around awkwardly.

  Daniel just nodded.

  “Did your parents know you were getting in touch?” she asked.

  “Yep, we discussed it. Mum was feeling a little worried about it but she understood. Dad thought it would be healthy, but warned me you might not want to know me.” His eyes searched Helen’s face.

  “Of course I want to know you, Daniel – it’s like a dream come true. I don’t exactly have a lot of blood relatives, you know.” She thought it bizarre that as she was on the brink of losing her mother, the Universe gave her back her son. The law of giving and receiving, Poppy would say. Or maybe it was synchronicity.

  “When I told Mum about meeting my grandmother, she felt good. Said she was glad I’d family close by, even though she’s only a short hop over the Irish Sea.”

  “They sound like very special people, your mum and dad.”

  “They wreck my head at times, but yeah, they’re cool. They’d two kids of their own after they adopted me, you know. They said they owed you a lot, that you changed their lives. You gave them life, a son. Reckoned they’d never have got pregnant until they adopted me. They’ll always be grateful – that’s why they kept the name Daniel – the name you’d given me.”

  These people she’d never met, yet was inextricably linked to, Helen thought, she’d changed their lives. Helen Devine had done som
ething good – and all six foot of him was sitting in the chair opposite.

  “About my father, it’s just there’s no record of him. I was wondering if you could tell me about him, if that’s okay like.” Daniel sat back in the chair now that he’d finally plucked up the courage to ask about his father.

  “Of course, I should have thought – sorry, Daniel. His name is Robert Lawless – he’s a corporate solicitor here in Dublin. He runs a very successful practice.”

  Christ, how will Rob react when he finds out?

  “So, you guys are still in touch then?” Daniel’s tone rose with a hint of excitement.

  “We’ve remained friends. I’m sure you’d like me to contact him?” Her face drained.

  “No rush, I mean, there’s so much going on. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I really hope Mary’s going to be okay.”

  “Me too. I can only imagine how happy she was to meet you too.”

  “And we’ve got lots of time – you and me, to get to know each other, now that I’m living in Dublin if you get me. My mother, em, she’s a lot older than you are. I think maybe you and me, we’ll have a different kind of relationship. You’re more like a big sister, hey?” He looked like a child who’d just won a trip to Disneyland.

  Her heart sank – she had still to the break the news that she was moving to the other side of the world, in seven days.

  Chapter 59

  “Helen! What a surprise! Come in.” Poppy was delighted to see Helen although the strain of Mary’s condition showed on her friend’s face.

  “I should have called first but my car just seemed to veer in this direction. What’s that noise?” Helen couldn’t but notice a loud humming coming from Poppy’s therapy room. “Don’t tell me I’ve interrupted sex with the monk again?”

  “I didn’t have sex with him, I told you. He was just a friend and, no, you haven’t interrupted anything. Come on, I’ll show you!” Poppy led the way towards the vibration.

  “What on earth is that?”