Resisting Ryder

by Blakeley Wilde

  She snuggled in closer to him as they sat in silence under the starry sky. If there was nothing going on between them, she didn’t want to know, at least not yet. She just wanted to enjoy his company and the comfort that he gave her.

  “My arm’s falling asleep,” Ryder said minutes later as he gently lifted it up from around her. “Sorry.”

  That blissful moment on the deck was officially over as they each sat up and repositioned themselves apart from each other on the couch.

  Ryder looked at his watch. “It’s getting late.”

  “Yeah,” Stormy agreed. She stood up and stretched her arms out wide and stifled a yawn. She knew she had to wake up early the next morning if she wanted to make it to her flight on time. The plane was leaving LAX around nine, so she needed to get there at least by six or seven if not before.

  She followed Ryder back inside, closing the sliding glass door behind them, and trekked down the hall to his room where her bags were. She pulled out her pajamas and went into his bathroom to change. When she came out, he was just sitting quietly on the edge of his bed, in the dark.

  “Oh, you scared me,” she said as she jumped.

  “Sorry,” he said as he turned towards her. “I was just waiting for the bathroom.”

  She shuffled over towards the bed and sat down next to him. As their eyes met, she could tell he had something on his mind.

  He swallowed audibly as his eyes moved down to the floor and then back up at her again. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Stormy had never seen him so out of sorts before. This was not like him at all.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked as she grew more and more concerned.

  “I just don’t want you to leave,” he blurted.

  Stormy smiled from ear to ear as her hunch was beginning to be confirmed.

  “I don’t want to leave either,” she admitted.

  “I really enjoy spending time with you.”

  “Me too.”

  His eyes shifted towards her lips as he leaned in closer to her. Within seconds, his mouth was pressed against hers and his hand was brushing against her soft cheek. She couldn’t believe it was happening. She had wanted it to happen. She had willed it to happen. She had manifested this moment, of that she was sure. At the same time, however, it didn’t feel the way she thought it would. Her feelings of excitement and bliss were instantly replaced with remorse and guilt.

  His lips felt like Jett’s. That was enough to make her realize how wrong it was. It was too soon. He was Jett’s brother. She needed more time to grieve. She wasn’t ready to move on yet.

  She pulled back away from him only to be met with an apologetic and embarrassed look on Ryder’s face.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” he said. He wasted no time in getting up off the bed and walking out of the room as he closed the door behind him.

  Stormy traced her lips with her fingers. They were still warm and she could still taste him. She couldn’t help but wonder if she had ruined the good thing they had going, just like that.

  She climbed under the covers of Ryder’s enormous bed and concentrated on the moon that glowed in through the window. She was too tired to get out of bed and shut the curtains, so she laid there, lost in thought, waiting for her eyes to close. She replayed Ryder’s kiss in her head over and over, like a scene in a movie, and analyzed it as much as she could.

  She thought about what she could say to him the next day to make it all better, to take away the sting of rejection and the awkwardness that was sure to fill the space between them. She wondered if this would be the last time she’d ever see him and it made her sad.

  Stormy thought about going out to the living room where Ryder was sleeping and kissing him back just to prove to him that it wasn’t that she didn’t like him. She didn’t want him to feel like he’d done anything wrong, even if she felt that way about herself.

  Before she had a chance to give it anymore thought, exhaustion had overtaken her and she found herself passed out. By the time she opened her eyes again, the moon outside the window had been replaced with the sun which was starting to rise bright and high in the sky.

  She popped out of bed and hurried into Ryder’s bathroom to get ready. She wanted to make herself look as good as possible, as if that would stifle any of the awkwardness that was bound to go on that morning. If anything, she just wanted to leave him with a good picture of her in his head, though she wasn’t sure why it mattered.

  The guilt from the kiss the night before still lingered and she spent the entire morning telling herself that she did the right thing by ending it. She reminded herself that Jett had only been gone for a few weeks. It was impossible to move on that quickly. She needed more time for herself, and Ryder’s stark resemblance to Jett was the reason she felt so confused. As the morning went on, she talked herself more and more out of her feelings for Ryder.

  She emerged from his bathroom and began packing her things. It was already six in the morning, and they’d need to leave very soon.

  “Knock, knock,” Ryder called as he opened the door a crack. “I need to jump in the shower real quick and then we can go.”

  He flashed a charming, Ryder-esque smile as he skipped into the bathroom. Much to Stormy’s relief, he acted like nothing happened. He was back to his old self again, and Stormy vowed to do the same.

  Twenty minutes later, they were packed and loaded and heading down towards the freeway towards LAX. Ryder was cracking jokes in the car as per usual and Stormy was laughing at each and every one of them.

  They pulled up to the drop off area and Ryder placed his car in park. He hesitated for a brief moment before getting out and pulling her bags from the trunk. She met him at the curb side as he sat her things down.

  She didn’t know whether to hug him or give him a friendly peck on the cheek. As if he could read her mind, he opened his arms wide and gave her the biggest bear hug.

  “Thanks for coming out to visit,” he said. “I hope you’ll come out again. Soon.”

  “Thanks for having me,” she replied as she wrapped her arms around his Greek God physique. “I’ll definitely be back.”

  He squeezed her tight before letting her go and slowly made his way back to his car. As soon as he climbed into the driver’s seat, he gave her a friendly wave and watched her as she walked away.

  She felt her heart sink a little as she made her way to the check in area. She didn’t want to go back to Coleville, but she knew she had some thinking to do and some things to figure out. She thought about that kiss the night before and reminded herself yet again that it meant nothing. She couldn’t possibly love Ryder the way she loved Jett. He was just a secondhand replacement. He was just something to fill the huge black hole in her heart. She imagined that Jett would be seriously hurt if he knew she was moving on so quickly, and that she had thought she had feelings for his estranged older brother. She couldn’t do that to him.

  CHAPTER 12

  Back home, Stormy settled in to her normal routine. Her quiet house, hot tea, random crying spells routine that she had abandoned while she was in California, came back to her like second nature the moment she walked in the door to her trailer.

  Brooklyn stopped by for a bit Sunday afternoon, as she was anxious to hear all about her trip.

  “So what was it like out there?” she asked, eyes wide open.

  “Beautiful,” Stormy sighed. “Palm trees. The ocean. Gorgeous people. Amazing restaurants. Fancy cars everywhere you look. It’s a whole ‘nother world, Brooklyn.”

  “So should we move there?” Brooklyn asked, only she appeared to be completely serious.

  “I don’t know how we could,” she said. “It sounds good in theory.”

  “You’re such a fraidy-cat,” Brooklyn huffed. “Live a little.”

  “You know, Ryder’s roommate, Zander, would be perfect for you,” Stormy piped up. “He is like the guy version of you. And he’s Ryder’s right hand man. And he doesn’t have an old lad
y yet.”

  “Oh, geez,” Brooklyn laughed. “A California biker? Let me guess, he has sandy blonde hair and a ripped body and is super chill.”

  “Exactly!” Stormy laughed. “I think you’d really meet your match with Zander.”

  “Well, I’ll probably never meet him because someone’s too scared to step outside of Coleville for more than a weekend,” Brooklyn teased. “If you go back, let me know. I’ll go with you.”

  “Really?” Stormy entertained the idea. “I don’t know when I’ll be going back.”

  “And why is that?”

  She wasn’t quite sure how to phrase it, so she just came out and said, “Ryder kissed me.”

  “What?!”

  “And I kissed him back.”

  Brooklyn leaned over and grabbed her arm in disbelief. “That’s Jett’s brother!”

  “I know, I know,” Stormy lamented. “Which is why I stopped it after a few seconds. It just felt wrong.”

  “So how did this happen? I don’t think he would just randomly kiss you. You had to have been giving him signals or something,” Brooklyn analyzed.

  “I don’t know. I guess we’d just been spending so much time together,” she said. “The attraction is definitely there, at least for me. But I think it’s because he looks so much like Jett.”

  “Obviously he’s attracted to you if he kissed you,” she said. “And he invited you out to visit him. He must think a certain way about you.”

  “He’s just taking care of me,” Stormy insisted. “He feels like he has to take care of his brother’s widow. He’s just being a good person.”

  Brooklyn squinted as she didn’t buy it. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  “Who knows,” Stormy said as she rolled her eyes.

  “Are you sure you don’t have feelings for him? Not even a little?” Brooklyn smiled wide.

  “Even if I did, I’m not going to entertain them right now,” Stormy explained. “It just feels wrong. I can’t do that to Jett. It’s not right.”

  Brooklyn shrugged. “I guess you just have to do what you think is right.”

  “I’m trying,” she replied. “Believe me, I’m trying. Everything is so confusing right now.”

  “You just need to let loose and have fun,” she said. “If you’re really that lonely, there’s always douche bag Hayden to keep you company. Rumor has it he’s holding a big ol’ flame for you and it’s burning awfully bright.”

  “What do you mean?” Stormy asked, her curiosity piqued.

  “Oh, girl, he’s so in love with you,” she laughed. “Ever since you got married, it was like something switched in him. Every time I see him at O’Malleys he basically pounces on me and tries to get information out of me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s stalking you.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “I’m kidding about the stalking part, but yeah, he’s pretty much obsessed with you,” she elaborated. “I guess he tells everyone what a mistake he made.”

  “He admits he made a mistake? That’s not like him at all,” Stormy mused. “Good to know though.”

  “He’s kind of a whole different person now,” Brooklyn went on. “Something changed him in these last few months. Personally I don’t think he deserves another chance, but I thought you should know that he’s eating his heart out now.”

  Stormy thought about Hayden in a whole different light for the first time in a long time. Maybe he had turned over a new leaf? Maybe he did truly love her and want to get back with her. She, of course, wouldn’t do anything unless the time was right, but it gave her a little bit of hope.

  “I think I just need to focus on myself right now,” Stormy declared. “I don’t need to be talking to Ryder or Hayden or any other guys. I need to grieve. I need to be by myself.”

  “You’ve got your entire life to grieve,” Brooklyn said. “You can’t hold a flame for Jett forever. I’m sorry, but he’s not coming back. At some point you’re going to have to live your life and move forward.”

  “At what point is it okay for me to do that?” Stormy asked as tears formed in her eyes.

  “It’s not like there’s a manual or anything on how to grieve,” Brooklyn replied. “You have to do it when it feels right for you. No one else can tell you when that is. But don’t sacrifice the good guys that happen to come into your life all because you’re trying to create some kind of appropriate timeline because it makes you feel better about yourself.”

  Stormy knew Brooklyn had a point, and after hearing how obsessed Hayden was with her now, she almost wanted to see him again. She had spent years pining for him and hoping he’d come back to her and love her again, and now that the tables had turned and she had mentally made Ryder off limits, she was seeing Hayden in a completely different light.

  In high school, she was the girlfriend who trailed along behind him. She was loyal and faithful and did everything he wanted her to do. She planned surprises for him, lavished him with gifts, and in return, he gave her flowers every month and a promise ring before dumping her the moment he moved way to school.

  They were just a couple of kids though, she told herself. You can’t believe what an eighteen year old promises you. Eighteen year olds shouldn’t make promises to naïve little sixteen year olds.

  Still, Stormy loved that things had ended up in her favor. It made her happy to know that she held his heart in the palm of her hand for the first time and not the other way around.

  “I should probably get going,” Brooklyn announced as she crawled off the couch. “Think about what we talked about though. I’ll go to California with you next time you go. I’m actually sort of curious about this Zander guy.”

  Brooklyn knew how to take a heavy conversation and spin it into something lighthearted. She always had a way with words, and Stormy loved that about her. Brooklyn had been there for Stormy since they were kids. She was there when Stormy’s grandmother passed away, when Stormy’s dog was hit by a car, when Hayden broke Stormy’s heart into a million pieces, when she eloped with Jett, and when Jett died, and Stormy knew she was always going to be there.

  Brooklyn left the house and Stormy watched as she sped down the quiet, tree-lined street and faded into the horizon. She was alone with her thoughts once again. She debated calling Hayden, just to see if he’d answer, but she stopped herself just short of dialing his number.

  “It’s not good to do things just to get a reaction,” she could hear her mother saying if she only knew. “Don’t do things when you’re feeling emotional or stir crazy. You’ll regret it all later.”

  She relished in the fact that Hayden was out there wishing, dreaming, and hoping that she’d come back to him. She decided to let that soak in a little bit and take her sweet time. She wanted to leave him hanging just as he’d done to her for so many long, tortuous years. There was no harm, in her opinion, in a simple game of cat and mouse.

  CHAPTER 13

  It had been over month since Jett had passed, two weeks since she had visited Ryder in California, and three weeks since she had last seen Hayden. Stormy had become a bit obsessive lately about counting the days since her life had been turned upside down. She had too much time on her hands to think and strategize and analyze things until there was nothing left to analyze.

  She had a couple of missed calls from Ryder that she had ignored and several text messages from Hayden that she completely disregarded, but she’d had no urge to talk to either of them yet. She was still figuring things out.

  She was still weirded out by her kiss with Ryder. He might have been able to act like nothing happened, but it didn’t rid her of the enormous guilt she felt. Hearing his voice would’ve just been a reminder of what they did.

  She spent most of her days reading, soaking in sunshine on her back deck, and going to her parents’ house for supper on Wednesday and Thursday nights. She usually spent her evenings watching an ungodly amount of bad reality shows and fell asleep on the couch half the time.

  Sometimes she would write letter
s to Jett, hoping that somewhere, somehow he could read them. Certain nights were harder than others and all of her emotions seemed to spill out of nowhere all at the same time.

  Her birthday was coming up at the end of the week. She was going to be twenty-three. She was sure Brooklyn would want to go out for drinks, and if nothing else came up, she would probably go. She couldn’t think of anything more depressing than spending her birthday at home, alone.

  The Thursday before her birthday weekend consisted of her usual routine of laying on the couch watching reality shows and washing down bites of Chinese takeout with gulps of cheap wine. She was starting to gain back a little bit of the weight she’d lost after Jett’s passing, but she had no desire to cook anymore, and the alcohol seemed to numb her enough so she could fall asleep at night.

  Her hair hadn’t been washed in a couple days and was thrown back into a low pony tail, she was wearing yesterday’s sweats, and she didn’t have a care in the world. She was growing used to her cozy, isolated little cocoon. Most days her phone was off and her curtains were drawn. She liked not having to deal with the world outside her door. It felt safer that way.

  Stormy was almost passed out around eight when there was a knock at her door. She forgot for a moment that she was looking like a hot mess and peeked out her window only to see Hayden standing there. He had totally seen her, and she couldn’t avoid him now.

  She was annoyed at his unannounced visit as she reluctantly opened her front door.

  “Stormy,” he said as if seeing her face was the highlight of his day. He couldn’t contain the excitement in his voice even if he’d tried. He looked like he’d just won the lottery.

  “Yes,” she said, not even trying to hide her annoyance.

  “Is this a bad time?” he asked. He glanced over her shoulder and saw the scattered boxes of takeout and empty wine bottles that covered her coffee table.