Letters Home

by Rebecca Brooke

  But despite my show of disinterest, it was Danielle asking, so of course I went.

  We were standing in the last place she had to visit. It was weird listening to Danielle talk about where to put the furniture and what she could do with the different rooms, almost like it was up to the two of us. My mind kept conjuring images of a time when we could do exactly that, which didn’t go a long way in making a difficult situation any better. I was doing my best to keep our relationship purely platonic. Except, how could I when she was sending me mixed signals?

  “Do you like this one?” she asked, still looking around the kitchen.

  “It doesn’t matter if I like it. Do you like it?”

  She turned and shoved me in the shoulder. “It does matter. What do you think?”

  Telling her what to do made me feel uneasy, yet at the same time it made me long for a day that Danielle and I might have a chance at being a real couple. It was getting harder and harder to keep my feelings for her to myself. When I still hadn’t answered, she gave me her sad “puppy dog” eyes, the ones I couldn’t resist no matter how hard I tried.

  “I like it, but the first one had bigger bedrooms.”

  “I know, I really liked the bathroom in that one too. It’s just…I love the way the kitchen is set up in this one.”

  “Which is more important? Sleeping, or eating?”

  She plunked her hands on her hips. “I’m a girl, both are equally important, especially if we’re talking about baked goods.” After a moment of thought, she turned to the real estate agent. “When is the earliest I can move into the first place we looked at?”

  “Let me check,” he said, pulling out his phone. “I’ll be right back.” He stepped out of the kitchen, leaving us alone.

  “Why did you go with that one?” I asked, nervous to hear her answer.

  “You said it had bigger bedrooms.”

  “You don’t have to go with what I said. It’s your apartment. You have to love it, not me.”

  “What you think matters to me, Tanner.”

  That one phrase had me reaching out to take hold of her hand but just in time I realized what I was about to do and pulled my hand back. What was I thinking? This was another reason I hadn’t been sure about coming with her. Over the last few weeks she’d been saying…things. Hinting at something more. For the most part, I was able to control my reactions, having a pretty good feeling that I was reading more into it than was there. I avoided physical contact with her as much as I could without offending her, afraid of what might happen. I shifted, uncomfortably, from one foot to the other, wanting to get out of there. Hopefully, there was more to her choice then what I thought about the apartment. It just wouldn’t feel right if she picked something based solely on what I thought.

  The real estate agent came back in the room a few minutes later. “They owner says you can move in Thursday, but he will need the security deposit by Tuesday to secure it.”

  “That I can do. Tell him I’ll take it,” she said, her hand coming up to her mouth to bite her nails.

  My reaction was immediate. “Can we have a moment?” I said to the real estate agent.

  “Of course. I’ll just be in the other room if you need me.” When he stepped out of the room, I took Danielle by the shoulders and turned her to face me.

  “You don’t have to do this. If you’re not ready to move out, don’t do it.”

  “I’m ready.”

  “Then why did you start biting your nails as soon as you told him you’d take it?”

  She looked down at her hands, away from me. “Because I’m nervous. I’m afraid to be alone.”

  Placing my finger under her chin I guided her face back to mine. “Danielle, you have to know by now that you will never be alone.”

  She nodded. “I know, but that doesn’t make it any less scary.”

  “You always know where to find me, if you need to,” I said, trying to not get lost in her eyes.

  She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. “Thank you, Tanner. I really don’t know what I would do without you.”

  Her simple touch stole my breath. There was nothing I could say to that without telling her how I felt so, instead, I rested my chin on her head and held her, torturing myself with the smell of her perfume. It wrapped around me like vines, almost choking me with its beautiful scent. I was starting to realize that there was going to come a point where I’d either have to tell her, or I’d have to walk away—if only for self-preservation.

  The real estate agent came back into the kitchen to see if we were ready. Danielle stepped out of my arms and the feeling of emptiness was crushing. That same feeling was why I avoided touching her as much as possible. My mind and body always missed her when she walked away. She told him she still wanted the first apartment.

  “I’ll call him today and get all of the paperwork for you to sign. Everything should be ready by Tuesday morning if you want to bring the check for the security deposit with you?”

  Even though she was still picking at her fingernails, a small smile played at the edges of her lips. “That works for me. I’ll call you Monday morning to check in.”

  He reached out to shake her hand. “Thank you, Ms. Renton.”

  I don’t think anyone noticed Danielle’s flinches when someone used her last name. They were so slight that you’d really have to focus to notice. Then again, I was focused on everything about her. She’d done it the first time I met her and was still doing it almost four months later. We followed the real estate agent out in silence, me still thinking about her reaction to someone using her last name and how it didn’t bode well for me. There was no doubt in my mind that it was because of a connection to Nate’s death, except, I didn’t understand why it would bother her so much. She was the one who’d chosen to change her name back.

  On the way back to her brother’s place we stopped by the office supply store to pick up boxes. She wanted to start packing right away—that way she could move her stuff in on Saturday. Or at least, that is what she said. I think the real reason had to do with her getting it done before she changed her mind. By the time we got home she’d convinced Colin, Marissa, Greg, her friend Tina from work, myself, and her brother to help her move the following weekend.

  Since our friendship had begun we’d spent a few nights a week together, but from the moment she decided on an apartment I spent every night at her place, packing and labeling stuff ready to be moved. Apparently, when she moved out of the home she’d shared with Nate she hadn’t bothered with a storage unit—opting to keep everything in Liam’s basement. We went through all of the stuff down there, deciding what she would keep and what she wanted to get rid of. By the time Saturday morning arrived we had all of her belongings ready to be packed up into the U-Haul and my truck.

  The day moved quickly. The first thing we did was bring everything in and put the boxes in the room they belonged in. Danielle had been meticulous in her labeling, which sped things up, and by midday the truck had been returned, and it was time to start unpacking boxes. We were all exhausted. Danielle had already labeled where she wanted everything to go so we each took a room and started to unpack. After a week in Danielle’s company I needed some breathing space and volunteered to take the spare bedroom by myself. Every moment I spent with her was tearing me up inside. The feelings I had didn’t want to be contained anymore. I wanted to shout from the highest mountaintop how I felt about her. Thoughts of her reaction were all that stopped me. It had started to feel like a vice was squeezing my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

  Each box I emptied felt like it took hours. I put the things away without paying any real attention to what I was doing, thoughts of Danielle consuming me. Eventually, Marissa popped her head in to see if I wanted something to eat. She and Tina were going out to pick up pizza and beer, which would have sounded great under any other circumstances. Since I didn’t want to get into a discussion about what was on my min
d, I agreed and went back to unpacking when they left. The sooner we got it all done, the sooner I could get out of there to try and clear my head.

  I opened the next box and the picture at the top caught my attention. It was a younger Danielle and Nate at what appeared to be a prom. When I looked at that picture, I wondered if that Nate would have made the same choices if he’d known the final outcome. Either way, I doubted very much that this picture belonged in a box in the spare bedroom. Bracing myself, I stepped out the room and down the hall to Danielle’s room. Standing outside her door I could hear Coldplay coming from the speakers. I knocked once before I poked my head in. The sight that greeted me had me swallowing hard. In a simple sundress Danielle was gorgeous, but with her hair up and sweaty in shorts and a T-shirt she was sexy as hell. I took a deep breath, forcing my body to gain control of itself.

  “Hey, I found a box I think was mislabeled,” I said, happy that my voice sounded normal.

  “Wow, I wonder how that happened?” She turned her head slightly to look at me.

  “I’ll take care of it, you keep working on those ones.”

  “Thanks.” She smiled and went back to the box in front of her.

  I moved over to the bed and started unpacking the box. It wasn’t necessarily weird to be helping her unpack her bedroom. Then again, it wasn’t the most comfortable thing either. There was that feeling again. The feeling that this was something we could be doing together. My insides twisted at the thought. Looking around the room I noticed that there were only a few boxes left. I knew there were two others left in the spare room, so this would all soon be over and I could head home and drown myself in a bottle. A few days away from her, that’s all I needed. Well, maybe not all I needed, but it would be a start.

  Within minutes I had everything in the box put away. I set the picture up on the nightstand, next to the bed.

  “All done. I’m gonna go finish up the other room.” Picking up the empty box, I started toward the door.

  “Perfect,” she said, looking around the room and as she did, the smile on her face slid away, tears forming in her eyes. She tried to cover it up by plastering on a fake smile but I knew her too well to be fooled. She picked up a few items out of the box and walked over to her dresser, turning so I couldn’t see her face. There was something wrong. What could I have done?

  Walking over to Danielle I noticed the slight shake to her shoulders. I dropped the empty box in my hand to turn her around to look at me.

  “Danielle,” I whispered softly. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  She sniffled and the tears started to fall. “I haven’t…I haven’t…seen that picture…since Nate’s funeral.”

  I looked over my shoulder at the picture I’d set on the nightstand. So that was the reason she’d had the picture in a box in the other room.

  Idiot.

  Taking her hand in mine I led her over to the bed and sat her down next to me. With one brief look at me, she leaned in and rested her head on my shoulder while she cried. I wrapped my one arm around her, lightly stroking her hair with the other. When she started to speak I froze, not wanting to overwhelm her so that she could get the words out. “That picture sat on my nightstand every night from the moment it was taken until the night we buried Nate. When I got home that I night, I picked up the picture and put it away.”

  I started moving my hands again, leaning my head on top of hers. The feel of her in my arms like that was overwhelming, as was the realization that no matter how much I cared for Danielle, my friendship with her was all there would ever be. How could I tell her anything, when just one look at a photograph brought her to tears? As hard as it was, I sat there with her until the tears slowed but even when they finally stopped, she continued to sit in the comfort of my arms. It felt to perfect to have her there. Between the way her hair smelled and the feel of her warm body pressed against mine, it was getting to be too much to handle. I didn’t want to be a dick, but I had to get out of there soon.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, the strain in my voice clear.

  She sat up and watched me. “Yeah. I am now.”

  “Good. I’m gonna go back and finish those last two boxes. I’ll take this and put it away in the other room.”

  I stood and picked up the picture and I was almost to the door when she called my name. She gave me a shaky smile. “Thank you.”

  I nodded and walked out the door.

  The last two boxes were unpacked in less than ten minutes. Even knowing I was being an ass, I still had to get out of there to preserve some of my own sanity. Colin and Greg were still working on the boxes in the kitchen when I called out to them.

  “Hey, I gotta go,” I said.

  They both looked up from what they were doing.

  “Is everything thing okay?” Colin asked, his attention returning to the box in front of him. Greg on the other hand was watching me.

  “Yeah, I just have something I need to take care of.”

  “Tanner?” Greg warned. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that Greg knew exactly what was bothering me.

  “Forget about it, Greg. I’ll talk to you guys later.”

  Before anyone could offer up another protest, I was out the door.

  A few hours and a quarter bottle of Jim Beam later, I was still wallowing in my own self-pity. Although the alcohol had dulled some of the pain, I still couldn’t believe I’d walked out of there like I had. I was supposed to be a stronger person than that. Yet there I sat, bottle of bourbon in hand, trying to drown away my sorrows. There was something so self-serving about trying to drink your feelings away.

  Spending so much time with her had brought me to this point. I wasn’t blaming her in any way, shape, or form. This was all on me. I’d made the decision and I could have walked away at any point, retaining my sanity. But I hadn’t. I’d chosen to stay, and this was the fallout. The thoughts of what I should do next were swirling around in my head, when there was a knock on the door. The fact that whoever it was had knocked meant it wasn’t Greg, which only left one person.

  “Come in, it’s open,” I yelled, too lazy to get off the couch.

  Colin walked in and sat down on the couch, watching me. “Dude, you smell like a bar. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  I opened my mouth to tell him to go to hell when he stopped me.

  “Scratch that. I know what’s wrong with you. What I wanna know is why you’re sitting here getting yourself piss-ass drunk instead of doing something about it?”

  “And what would you like me to do?” My words had a slight slur to them. Was I really that drunk?

  “Okay, drunk or not, I know you’re not that stupid. You need to tell her.”

  “I can’t tell her. She’s got enough to deal with.”

  Colin ran his hand through his hair. “She deserves to know—especially after you ran out of her place today without even saying good-bye.”

  “It was too hard,” I said. “I sat there and comforted her while she cried over a picture of Nate…but all I wanted to do was kiss her.”

  “So kiss her.”

  I stopped moving and stared at him. “Do what? And I thought that I was the drunk one. You want me to just kiss her? Kiss Nate’s widow?”

  “No, I want you to tell her how you feel about her and then kiss her.”

  “How could I do that to Nate?”

  He dropped his arms to his legs and stared at the floor, his voice low as he admitted, “Nate would want her to be happy.”

  “And you think I can do that?”

  “Oh, I know you do. You’re just too blinded by your own feelings to see it.”

  “You didn’t see her tonight. She’s not ready to move on.”

  “Most of her is, but there is a part of her that is going to need help. And that’s something I think you can help her with.”

  “Yeah, but today—”

  “Do you know what today is?”

  I shook my head, probably not the best idea considering
the amount of alcohol I consumed in the last few hours. The room continued to spin a little while after I stopped and I struggled to focus on Colin as he explained.

  “Today is the anniversary of the day Nate asked her to marry him. One year ago today, man. That’s why she was so determined to move today. We figured she was trying to keep her mind off of it. It wasn’t the picture that upset her—it was everything it represents.”

  Oh God! I was even more of an ass that I’d thought. No wonder she’d lost it. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known something was up when she was so adamant about getting an apartment and moving today. I’d been so caught up in my own feelings that I’d missed it.

  “I didn’t know.” I leaned my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes.

  “I know. After you left, Greg told me what was going on with you. Marissa, Liam, and I made an agreement not to mention it unless she did. We didn’t want to upset her, but in all fairness we should have told you. I knew you were starting to have feelings for her. If I’d have known how strong they were I would have told you, to prepare you for today.”

  “I’m an asshole.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re a guy who cares about a girl who is a little bit broken. With all of the information, things would’ve been different.”

  I lifted my head and looked at him. “What should I do? She probably doesn’t even want to talk to me now.”

  “Actually, Greg covered for you pretty well—said you got called away for an emergency. She completely understood. What you need to do now, though, is tell her.”

  My stomach clenched. Was I strong enough to face her rejection? Either way, it couldn’t hurt any worse than the rut we’d been stuck in. Something had to give and if I told her how I felt, at least the decision would be in her hands. “Okay, I’ll tell her, but you have to give me a day or two to figure out how.”