Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  “This was okay. Perhaps next time, it would taste better if an honest person made my meal.”

  Fuck. Thump. Slam. Crash. Bang. My heart is exploding inside my chest from the fear taking hold of my body.

  “I can tell by the way you won’t look me in the eyes, you know I know. I’ll let you in on a little secret. While you have decided to whore it out with some stranger in our apartment today, I have had my cock buried in Noelle’s pussy. In fact, I have been tasting her wet cunt for the past few years. Unfortunately for me, my family doesn’t approve of her trailer trash upbringing. If they knew I was even the least bit interested in her, I would have everything taken from me.”

  The look of shock on my face only brings him pure, elated joy. An eerie laugh escapes him, while I continue to sit completely stunned in the hard, wooden chair. “Why me?”

  “I have been fucking your best friend for the past few years, while I have been fucking you as well, and you ask me why you?” Standing abruptly, he knocks his chair back. The loud crash echoes around us. “Because I can, you dumb fucking bitch. Because I need someone to give me children who isn’t from a white trash family. Because I need someone who will do what they are told. I need someone who thinks so lowly of themselves, they will ignore the fact that my cock is covered in someone else’s wet cunt.” His palms grasp the edge of the table, flipping it up into the air. My feet hit the floor as I try to run, but he is faster than me. Grabbing me by my hair, he pulls me towards the kitchen sink.

  I dig my feet into the floor, trying my best to pull away from him. I have never feared my own death. I have prayed for it. Any other day, I would have welcomed it, but the thought of Holden has me desperately clinging to life.

  “Oh, no. It’s too late to run. I’ll find out who was here with you today, and then I’ll kill him. I’ll enjoy every minute of it and if you don’t stop fighting me, I’ll make you watch.”

  The thought of him being anywhere near Holden takes the fight right out of me. Accepting my fate, my body goes limp. Maybe it won’t be so bad this time. I will be able to get to Holden tonight while Michael is sleeping. Biding my time, I brace myself for impact as I watch his hand rise in the air. His arm swings so fast that I barely see it come towards me. The stinging impact causes my head to jerk back. I feel my head lift and then I feel an immense pain under my left eye. I can no longer open it.

  My hands search my surroundings for something to hold onto. I find one of the handles to the kitchen cabinets. Sliding my hand up further, I brace the weight of my body against the countertop. I have never noticed how sharp the corners are before now.

  The air around me is still. Nothing moves. All I can hear is heavy breathing somewhere behind me. It’s over. God, I hope it is over. I know I won’t have to worry about him forcing himself on me tonight. He hates getting blood on him, it repulses him. I have just enough strength left to push myself off the counter and take a step back. The room sways, I side step to gain my balance.

  “You always fuck things up. When will you learn?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. Something hard slams against my back, my knees buckle, and my body collapses to the floor. Searing pain stabs my lungs, as I try to take a breath. It has never hurt to breathe before. A warm liquid is pooling beneath my face. The sounds of my surroundings are echoing as if I am trapped in some sort of tunnel. Someone touches my shoulder rolling me onto my back. The pain is absolutely blinding. I can hear Michael talking to someone else, but I lay still, paralyzed in a mixture of fear and pain.

  “Shit…I don’t know…I can’t get her to wake up…I can’t stay here.” I keep waiting to hear the other person’s voice, but there is no one there. He must either be on the phone, or whomever he is talking to is quiet. There is a rush of air by my head, a slam of a door, and then complete silence.

  I am not sure how long I lay still, but eventually I move my hand. I am able to grab onto the table. Rolling onto my side, I start pulling myself with the help of the table leg. White lights flash behind my eyelids. Breathe. Fuck. I can’t do that, either. Everything hurts. I am starting to sweat. I think it is sweat. Whatever it is, it’s dripping down my back as I drag my body across the floor to the wall. There is no way that I am going to be able to sit up, so I roll back onto my back. A scream rips from my lungs. Jesus, this hurts. I am going to die. Fuck. I am going to die.

  I am able to see the phone cord hanging low, just to the right of my right hand. “Thank you, God. Thank you.” I don’t know if he exists or not, but someone, somewhere is helping me right now. My fingers pull the long twisted cord, the phone falls landing on my stomach, and I send up another prayer to the heavens.

  I lay the phone against my chest as I slowly roll back onto my side. Fuck. My skin is sticking to my shirt from the sweat still dripping down my back. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is most likely not sweat. It shouldn’t be sticky. Grasping the piece of paper from my back pocket in my fingers, I let my body fall back to the floor.

  I probably move faster than I should, but it is getting harder to breathe. I can barely make out the numbers on the paper, now smeared in blood from my fingers. Pressing the buttons as quickly as I can, I dial the number Holden gave me. It rings twice before I hear a voice, “Holiday Inn. Cynthia speaking. How can I be of service to you today?”

  “Twelve thirteen. I need room twelve thirteen.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I’ll put you right through.”

  The line clicks, I panic for a second, thinking I got disconnected, but it starts to ring. The room is spinning around me. The burning sensation in my lungs is getting increasingly worse.

  “Hello?” Just the sound of his voice relaxes my body enough where I can feel myself start to be pulled under. “Hello? Who is this? Hello?”

  “Holden…save me.” The phone slips from my fingers and my body welcomes the black abyss calling for me.

  Chapter 9

  “Hovering over her won’t help. You need to sleep.” A soft female voice floats by my ear. It is warm and comforting. I can’t hold onto it and my body slips back into the darkness. I am not sure how long it continues like this, but I know it’s a while. I can hear voices. They are talking about me, but I can’t hold onto them long enough to let them know that I am okay.

  There is a steady beeping. I am not sure where it is coming from. I try to speak to let someone know, but it seems my mouth won’t open. The loud sound is intense. It is not helping the pain spreading across my back. Finally, the beeping stops. I can hear someone moving beside me. “That should help her.” Another female voice, this one is deeper and more assertive. My pain fades before I can tell her that I am here and I drift away on this sea of confusion.

  Someone grabs my hand. I feel my arm flinch in response. It is not my fault, that is my automatic reaction to being touched. “Baby. I need you to come around. I need to make sure my girl is okay, just tell me you’re okay. I’ll let you sleep as long as you need to, I just…one word. Please, Carsten.”

  Holden. The sound of his voice triggers my heart. I can feel it frantically thumping in my chest. Something starts beeping loudly near my ears. Holden tries to move his hand, but I won’t let him. I cling to him as tightly as my body will allow. I can feel the tears slip from the corners of my closed eyes, softly rolling down my cheek.

  I mentally plead for him to hear my prayers. Please, don’t let go. God, please don’t let him let go of me. His hand brushes over my knuckles as it slips from mine. Nothing. I can’t do anything to let him know that I am here. Using everything I have, I am able to mumble one single word in utter frustration. “No.”

  The beeping won’t stop. The pain in my back is spreading up my neck. I won’t go back into the dark. Forcing my right eye open, I blink as bright fluorescent lights assault my vision. His hand is resting on the hospital bed beside mine, his face is turned away from me.

  “It’s going off again.”

  “Yes, we heard it. She probably just needs another dose of meds. You nee
d to relax. It will most likely be awhile before she’s back with us.” It is the same voice from before. Her voice is loud and firm. Pink scrubs are standing right beside me. I can’t see her face because her back is facing towards me, but I notice her long black hair.

  “She’s not gone. She’s right here. I’m telling you I felt her hand squeeze mine.” Holden’s hand reaches for mine. I can’t catch my breath. Forget the pain in my back. The single stabs of pain when I try to breathe is killing me. I gently squeeze his fingers in mine. His face turns towards mine. Heaven. This must be what heaven looks like.

  The light shines around him, and everything else fades away. His brown hair is a matted mess on his head, his eyes are puffy and red. Has he been crying? The collar of his t-shirt is wet and stretched out. There is no doubt he has been chewing on it. Deep brown pools with rivers of amber look down at me.

  All I can say is his name. “Holden.” My body shakes with frustrated tears, as his name falls from my lips over and over again. People come in out and of the room. I am asked several questions over the next few hours. I won’t talk to anyone. I give a few nods of my head to the nurses. No one else holds my attention, but Holden. He is here. He is alive. Michael hasn’t found him.

  Hours turn into days. Days turn into a week. When I am finally able to stand on my own with help from Holden, the doctors take my release seriously. Holden has been asking to take me home, but they wouldn’t discharge me. Two men in dark black shirts, with golden badges on their chests stand in the corner of the room. I knew I would have to talk to them before I could leave. I had put it off long enough. My heart is drenched with fear, just at the thought of talking to them.

  Michael must have gotten scared. He didn’t come back to the apartment that night, or the next few days from what I understand. The police are waiting for me to file a report. Holden wants a restraining order. I am not sure if he was expecting me to argue with him, but he looks rather surprised when I agree without hesitation. I am done running away from whatever I thought I could escape. A fractured cheekbone, broken nose, three fractured ribs, and seventeen stitches have made sure it will never happen again.

  Holden stays in the room with me, while the police ask their questions. They weren’t happy about it, but I wouldn’t let him leave. My hands are shaking, my skin is damp with sweat, and I can barely breathe, as he steps away from my bed. He is within a foot of the door, when I have a full-blown panic attack. It takes a good hour for him to calm me back down. I am so afraid to be alone. I never want to be alone again.

  Fuck feeling like this. Fuck Michael. Fuck me for staying with him. Fuck me for running away from home. Fuck Noelle for adding to the fire. Fuck this hospital. Fuck this pain. Fuck all of this. I will never let another person harm me, not like this. Never like this again. All I want is to get out of here as fast as possible.

  I sign a few papers that the police have brought to me on a clipboard. They took pictures, when I first arrived at the hospital. I am told they have been added to my file. I have a file. I am now documented in the system as a statistic. I have suffered through an abusive relationship. Michael is living and breathing happily somewhere, while I sit in pain with tears streaming down my face, as I listen to the police explain what will happen next.

  All I understand is the mention of five hundred feet. It is how far Michael must stay away from me at all times. They ask if I want to thoroughly press charges right now. Holden just stares at me, waiting for a response. All I do is cry. I don’t know what I want. I want this to be over. I am not sure I want to relive any of this. If I press charges will I have to explain all of this again? I don’t want to. They don’t say anything to my lack of response. Instead, they just let Holden know they will be in touch. They want to give me some time to cope.

  Cope. Ha! I inwardly laugh at myself. Cope. There is no way to cope with this. My body and mind have been viciously violated and manipulated. They don’t know. They don’t understand. No one does. I sit quietly with my hands folded in my lap, as the police hand Holden a bunch of papers and business cards. I guess that means I am with him now. It is fine with me. It is where I am supposed to be. It is where I should have been from the beginning. Holden saved me.

  The doctors come in the room after the police leave. My last IV is unhooked from my arm. The bands on my wrists and ankle have been cut. I sign a few more papers. Holden has brought me a pair of his sweats and one of his t-shirts to change into. He helps me dress and then wraps his jacket around my shoulders before helping me into a wheelchair.

  The green stripe in the center of the tiles on the floor lead us back to the lobby of the hospital. I start to panic when he leaves me in the chair to go get his truck. One of the hospital staff behind the front desk ends up walking out with us to the parking lot. Holden pushes me all the way to the truck. He gently lifts me in his arms, before placing me in the passenger seat.

  I flinch when his arm stretches across me to buckle my seatbelt. He closes his eyes at my reaction. I am not afraid of him. I am afraid of everyone right now. I know he would never hurt me, but I can’t help it. It is how I have been hardwired over the last year. Holden softly shuts my door. Handing the wheelchair over to the hospital staff, he walks around the truck. I follow his movement in the side view and rear view mirrors. My breath halts, when I lose sight of him for a second, but once he is sitting beside me in the truck, I breathe a little deeper.

  “I don’t think you should go back home. I just…I don’t feel comfortable with you there. I’m taking you with me to my parents until we can figure something else out.”

  “Oh.” My voice drops, as my heart falls out of my chest. He doesn’t want me with him.

  “Don’t be sad. You’re my girl and nothing is going to get between us again. I just need to adjust some things. I’m not going anywhere.” The right corner of his mouth lifts high enough to reach his eyes. I recognize that smile. It seems there will be mischief to be had and I am okay with anything he throws my way.

  My eyelids grow heavy, as I lean my head against the seat. The smell of his cologne encircles me, caressing my senses, while easing my nerves and sends me to sleep. Thoughts of Holden play in my dreams as he drives me home. They are the best dreams I have had in a very long time.

  *****

  A soft, velvety voice whispers my name. I open my eyes to find Holden standing with my car door wide open. “I was going to carry you in without waking you, but I didn’t want to frighten you. Is it okay if I touch you?” His forehead is creased with worry, his voice quivers, as if he is afraid of my response.

  My heart hurts knowing that it is my choices that have brought us to this moment. He should never have to ask me if he can touch me. “Holden, I have loved you since I was five. You never have to ask to touch me.”

  “Okay.” His voice is soft, as he carefully unclasps my seatbelt, before lifting me into his arms. I wrap my right arm around his neck, as he holds me against his firm chest. Just knowing his body is close to mine, puts me at ease. My lungs inflate, and for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I can truly breathe. As he lets out a soft sigh, a few stray leaves fall from the trees. Maybe he does control the wind. I smile at the thought, as he carries me to safety.

  “Oh, Carsten.” The warm comforting voice I remember from the hospital is now standing at the edge of her driveway, as Holden carries me towards the front door. The look on Carol’s face is one of pity. I try not to focus on her. Instead I let my eyes travel across the front of the house.

  His parents have a beautiful ranch style home with a wraparound porch. Orange and red mums in dark blue pots are set on the light blue porch steps. A wreathe of orange and yellow leaves with a small pumpkin in the center, hangs on the red door. I love that door. I am not sure why, other than it has always stuck out to me. It is so bold against the white siding. Maybe I find it inviting. Inhaling through my nose, I take a deep breath to clear my thoughts. The smell of fall mixes with Holden. Rubbing my face against his shirt,
I let out a sigh. He still has me in his arms. I am not sure if he is going to put me down anytime soon. I am not sure if I want him to.

  “Hey, there she is.” Walter is in his full uniform. His wide brimmed hat doesn’t seem so big in his hands, as he holds it against his waist. The gold badge signifying his duty as sheriff, glitters in the few rays of sun left in the evening sky. I wonder if this whole family exists purely out of a miracle. I owe them my life.

  Walter opens the door for us, as we step over the brass threshold of the door. Holden continues to carry me as if I weigh nothing. He spins a couple of times before deciding on the living room. The house is open, with a perfect flow of design leading from the kitchen on one side to the living room on the other. The half wall and dining room table separating the two areas are also adorned with fall decorations. The coffee table in the living room also has the same decorations. Autumn colored leaves surround a big hurricane glass vase with a deep yellow candle in it. The smell of spiced apples fills the air.

  It is funny. I don’t think I have ever paid this much attention to the detail of his home before. The small details are keeping me distracted from the reality of my situation. The minute my mind shifts gears and I start focusing on my injuries my heart begins to race. Holden must notice my unease, as he sets me down on the couch. Gently lifting my chin, his brown eyes stare deeply into mine.

  “I’m going to set up a place for you to sleep. Mom and dad are right here. You won’t be alone.”

  I nod my head in understanding, but I can’t help the stuttered breaths and tears falling from my eyes as he leaves me sitting, in what now feels like a giant room filled with empty space. The warmth and welcome of the house fades quickly as he walks away. Walter sits beside me. Spinning his hat in his fingers, he opens his mouth a couple of times as if he wants to say something, but no words come out. He seems at a loss for words. Don’t worry, Walter. I don’t have any words, either. Thoughts fill my mind, but I don’t speak them aloud. I don’t need to.