Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  Carol sits across from us in her oversized green, floral recliner. There is a wicker basket at her feet full of yarn. I wonder if she knits or crotchets. I bet she does both. A deep cough startles me, interrupting my train of thought. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Holden’s voice rumbles over my skin like a summer rainstorm, washing away the ugliness from the last few days.

  “I…it’s just—" I jump back farther onto the sofa when Walter pats me on my back, trying to comfort me. The motion of jerking my side so quickly brings a rush of pain to the surface. My breath is short and sweat trickles on my forehead. Jesus Christ, Carsten. Pull your shit together. Quit being so weak. I stare back at blank faces, afraid to move because they don’t want to frighten me. It pisses me off. I shoot a glare to Walter and his eyes go wide. I don’t know what my deal is, but I can’t get a hold on my emotions.

  “Alright, killer. No one here is going to hurt you. I’m going to take you to bed now.” Nodding my head, I reach for Holden’s hand. His soft, velvet skin wraps around me, calming me immediately. His touch is better than a Valium. “Mom, could you make us something to eat? Just something small, like a couple of sandwiches or a snack? I’m going to go take care of my girl.”

  And just like that, I am following him out of the living room into the long hallway leading to the basement. I squeeze his hand tightly, as I follow him down the gray-carpeted steps. He flips a switch at the bottom of the stairs, which lights up the big room. The wood paneling on the walls have been painted an off white. His bed is in the corner, sitting on a raised pallet made from cinder blocks. A deep blue comforter and some rather thin pillows are piled in a heap on the end of it.

  I haven’t been down here in years, but nothing has changed. Random, Polaroid pictures are strung across the ceiling on clothespins, hanging from a thin line of string. Christmas lights are wrapped around the green square post in the center of the room. I giggle as he turns them on.

  “You still have those up?”

  “Yeah. Do you remember when I hung them up for you? Your mom was sick and you guys couldn’t afford a Christmas tree, so I made you one here instead.”

  “Lucky for you, your mom had a thing for the color green at the time. She seemed surprised you painted it, but I don’t think she was mad.” My fingers softly brush the colorful twisted lights.

  “No, she wasn’t mad. She never is when it comes to you. She loves you.”

  Not knowing what to say, I simply nod my head. Cassette tapes are piled on his dresser. Soft light peeks in through two small windows. There are no curtains, but I am not sure that anyone would need them. It is not like people walk around peering through basement windows, at least no one in this town would.

  Old records are lying in a box on the floor. I feel him walk up behind me, as I sit down to sort through them. “I love you, too.” His words fall over me like a silk sheet wrapping around me.

  “I know.” What am I supposed to say to him? There are not enough words in the dictionary to explain any of the choices I have made. All of them were wrong. I should have never left.

  “Hey, that’s Han Solo’s line.”

  “What?”

  “You can’t be serious. Star Wars, Carsten. It’s from Star Wars.”

  “Oh…wait, is it really?”

  Laughing, Holden sits beside me on the floor and gently grabs my hand. He holds it up against his, palm to palm. His hand engulfs mine. I don’t know why, but he has always done this. My hand was bigger than his at first, but not anymore. I guess things gradually change over time and you don’t realize the differences.

  “So…what’s the plan? I can’t stay here forever.”

  “Why not?”

  I tilt my head down to look down at the Pink Floyd record I am now holding in my hands. A few strands of my hair fall over my face, blocking my view of Holden. I don’t move them. They are hiding a few stray tears, rolling down my cheek. I don’t want to bring more attention to myself, so I flip through the box again and pull out a Led Zeppelin record.

  “Don’t hide from me. I will never hurt you.”

  The pain in his voice crushes me. He is not Michael. “I know. Don’t compare yourself to him. I know who you are.”

  “Yeah? Who’s that?”

  “You’re my boy.” I try to catch my words, but it is too late. I hear a sharp intake of breath, letting me know that he heard them. I refuse to look at him, so I continue flipping through the records as if I have said nothing. Holden softly brushes the hair from my face. His face comes into view and I can’t help but get lost in his deep brown eyes.

  “Say that again, but this time say it louder, so I can make sure I’m hearing you correctly.”

  “You’re my boy and I’m your girl.”

  “I have loved you since we were five. You’ve always been my girl.”

  A blush creeps across my cheeks. His hand reaches up towards my face, but I jerk back from his touch. Coughing, I stand and brush off my jeans.

  “So, I’m staying with you. What about my dad? I should at least call him.”

  “Yes, you are staying with me. We can call him tomorrow. I don’t want to upset you, but I’m not sure you’ll like what you find there.” Nodding my head, I walk over to his bed and make myself comfortable. I suddenly feel exhausted. “I’ll stay with you today, but tomorrow you’ll be here by yourself for a little bit. I have classes during the day, but the drive is about an hour, so I tend to hang out on campus between them.”

  “Oh. Right, school. What are you studying? Rebecca wouldn’t tell me when I asked her. She said to call you and ask.”

  “Photography. She was right. You should have called me.”

  Sighing, I carefully lay back onto the pile of pillows and blankets. “And say what? Sorry I left with my abusive boyfriend. I’m an idiot. How’s your day?”

  “That would have been perfect.” Snorting a laugh at his reply, I toss a pillow at him. He tosses it behind him and sits at my feet. “Anything would have been perfect. I hated you for leaving.”

  “I know. I hate myself for leaving.”

  “I know.” Holden starts to laugh, as he pulls my feet into his lap. “What the hell are these?”

  “Blue Converses, obviously.”

  “I see that, but what the hell are these?” He pulls on two plastic hearts, which are hooked to my laces.

  “Hearts?”

  “Are you seven? Why the hell do you have cutesy shit tied to your shoes?”

  “Because I like them and fuck you, asshole.”

  The deep baritone laugh coming from Holden makes me smile. It is highly contagious. I find myself laughing along with him. It is no ordinary laugh, either. It is the laugh I have just for him. No one else can make me this deliriously happy like him.

  “There’s my girl. I’m going to go grab our snacks. I’ll be right back. Make yourself comfortable and don’t leave.”

  Smiling up at him, I watch him walk away. My sides are sore and my head is starting to ache. Despite my pain and the events that got me here, I am glad that I am here. Holden seems to be taking a little bit longer than I thought he would. I close my eyes for just a second. My eyes flutter back open one more time to see if he is back, but quickly close once I notice that he is still not here. Making myself as comfortable as I possibly can, I drift to sleep. Four wheelers, creeks, and mud invade my dreams.

  Chapter 10

  A grunt escapes my lips as I try to roll over. It’s late. I am not sure what time it is exactly, but I know it is late. The lights on the pole are lit up, sending random colors reflecting off the windows and the mirror of his dresser. It is calmingly beautiful. Holden is spread across the end of the bed with his long legs hanging over the side. It takes a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.

  Lifting the blanket off of me, I kneel on the bed, leaning towards Holden, attempting to see if he is awake. My heart does a little flip when I notice a small brown, worn looking stuffed dog. I cannot believe he has kept it all this
time. We were ten years old and we thought we owned the world, as we walked around the state fair.

  I had forced Holden on every ride and he was paying for it with a massive headache. I kept teasing him about being weaker than me. I must have taken things a little too far because he wouldn’t look at me. Knowing I had hurt him, I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him behind me, until I found a game I knew I could win.

  There was a rather obese man with greasy hair wearing a red shirt, juggling baseballs in front of his stand. Plates were lined up awkwardly on shelves behind him. All I had to do was break three plates and I would win the huge stuffed bear hanging on a wall full of smaller prizes. It took me eleven tries before I finally broke two plates.

  I guess the guy must have felt bad for me because he handed me a small, brown stuffed dog with a white heart on its nose and told me to move along. It wasn’t what I was hoping for, but I gave it to Holden anyway. My reward was the tiniest of kisses on my cheek.

  Giggling to myself, I lay back down. I am not sure he would want me to see him sleeping with a stuffed animal, but I am glad that I did. An idea pops into my head, just as I start to relax again. My eyes peer around the room until I find what I am looking for. Sneaking over to his dresser as quietly as I can, I grab his camera and tiptoe back over to the bed.

  The camera flashes when I snap his picture, causing me to immediately regret my decision. Afraid he might wake up and catch me, I grab the Polaroid picture and put the camera back where I found it. I slip back into bed and pull the blanket over me just in time. He rolls over and sits up a bit. My heart is frantic, as I watch him look across the room. I see his head turn and I quickly close my eyes.

  “What are you doing?” His voice is raspy, almost menacing. Shit. I don’t answer, instead I pretend to be asleep. “I know you. I know when you are up to something. I also know you are awake. Being that it’s the middle of the night, I’m going to pretend I don’t know anything and I’m going back to sleep. Goodnight, Carsten.”

  “Night.” Shit. Did I just answer him? I hear him laugh as he rolls over. Shit. I did answer him. Maybe he will forget, at least I hope he does. I wait a few minutes to make sure he is sound asleep before I grab the Polaroid, shaking it a few times. There is a glare from the flash. It almost looks as though Holden has a golden light surrounding him. I can barely make out the dark lump tucked under his arm. A grin spreads across my face, as I slide the picture into the pillowcase under my head.

  *****

  There is a horrible screeching sound echoing around me. I try to block it out, but it won’t stop. Peeling my eyes open, I look around the room. I try to kick Holden who is sound asleep at my feet, but my attempt to wake him by kicking at him fails. The sound continues to wail around us. What the hell is making all this noise? My eyes finally land on the alarm clock on his dresser. Sitting up, I wrap my hands around my sides and lean back against the wall. I feel like I have been hit by a train.

  “Holden.” I gently push on his shoulder with my foot. “Holden!” Seriously? How is he sleeping through this? “Damn it, Holden. Get up!” My sides are killing me and this noise is doing nothing for my headache. Carefully scooting to the edge of the bed, I hop down and slowly make my way to the alarm. I press a ton of buttons, but nothing happens. It is still screeching in my ears, so I unplug it from the wall. Silence. Thank God.

  I catch a glimpse of myself in his mirror. My face is pale, with yellow and purple colored bruises still adorning my cheeks. I grab the comb off of his dresser and try to get the tangles out of my hair. Sliding the scrunchy from my wrist to my hand, I try to gather my hair into a ponytail. The movement of my right arm makes my ribs scream. I can feel myself getting dizzy, so I move as quick as I can. It is not the greatest ponytail, but at least it is out of my face. Reaching under my shirt, I fix my bra. I make a mental note not to sleep in one again.

  My bladder starts yelling at me. Sighing, I head for the stairs. Maybe sleeping downstairs in the basement with Holden wasn’t the greatest idea. The bathroom is just a few feet from the top of the steps. I use the railing to help support my weight. My legs feel shaky and my breaths are short. Panic begins to consume me, as I reach the top of the stairs. Man-up, Carsten. It is just a bathroom. Shaking my head, I refocus my thoughts and open the basement door. I can see the bathroom. Gently pushing on the door, I am greeted with an empty room. Thankfully, I am alone.

  I make record time using the bathroom. The thought of being alone too long makes my stomach flip, so I rush to get out of it. Soft whispers travel down the hall from the living room. I can hear Walter’s deep baritone voice, accented by Carol’s soft voice. Clearing my throat, I walk into the living room.

  “Good morning, sweetie. Did you sleep well?” Carol stands, brushing her hands on her apron that is tied around her waist. The way she is wringing her hands reminds me of my mom. It is a sweet memory.

  “Kind of.” The hush whisper of my voice carries across the room. They both stare at me expectantly. I am not sure what to say or do, so I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of black coffee. My hands are shaking. I am not sure if it is from a pending panic attack, or the fear I felt as I walked up the basement stairs.

  “Are you hungry? I could make you something.” Carol’s voice startles me, causing me to jump and spill some of my coffee. “I’m so sorry, let me get that for you. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” She gives me a soft smile, as she wipes the table off.

  I sit in silence, while she moves around the kitchen. I miss watching my mom in the kitchen. Walt walks in behind me and clears his throat, when Carol shoots him a warning with her eyes.

  “It’s just me, Carsten. I wanted to come say goodbye to my two favorite ladies before I head to the station. I’m working a late one, so I won’t see you guys until late tonight.” I silently nod my head. Tears prick my eyes, as he wraps his arms around Carol’s waist and lifts her into the air with his lips pressed to hers. It must feel amazing to be loved like that. “Alright, I’m off. Carsten, you should wake up Holden soon. That boy would sleep all day if we let him.”

  “Hush. Go to work and leave them be.” Carol swipes the towel from her shoulder and flicks it towards Walt. He leaves for work, laughing all the way out the front door. Carol turns to me rolling her eyes. “I swear he does that just to rile me up. I have some errands to run today, so it will just be you and Holden for a while.”

  I nod my head in silence once more. Sighing, she tops off my cup of coffee. She hands me a plate of toast and scrambled eggs, as she takes a seat across from me. I have been expecting a lecture from one of them. It is obvious that I have made horrible choices and now those choices involve their son. We sit in silence. I try my best to avoid eye contact, but I can feel her watching me.

  “Carsten. Sweetie, you look like hell. I’m sure you feel like hell, too. I don’t know everything you’ve been through, but I know enough. I don’t want to ever see you in a hospital again, at least not because some boy lost his temper. I’ll spare you my speech…just know that I love you. We all love you, especially Holden. Please, let him take care of you.” She pushes her chair back from the table, before gently laying her cup in the sink. She says nothing else and leaves me in the empty room.

  I finish my breakfast in complete silence. Every sound around the house echoes. The walls start closing in on me. I quickly toss my dishes in the sink and make my way back to the stairs.

  *****

  My foot hits the last step and I can see Holden, still stretched out across the foot of the bed. His feet and one arm are hanging off. My quickened heart rate slows, knowing he is still here with me. I suddenly feel exhausted. Crawling back onto the bed, I tuck myself into his side. I gently pull his arm around me. He doesn’t stir, but his warm breath tickles the back of my neck.

  “You’re awake?”

  “Just a bit.” I smile, feeling safe in his arms.

  “You’re just a bit awake. Again. What were you up to this time?”

  “
Your dad left for work and your mom made me some breakfast. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”

  “And you were up last night because?”

  “I wasn’t. You’re imagining things.”

  “Sure I am. Well, Firefly, what’s the plan for today?”

  A fluttering sensation springs about my stomach, as my nickname falls from his lips. “Don’t call me that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she’s gone.”

  He says nothing, he doesn’t need to. His arm tightens around me. A gentle kiss is placed on the back of my head. For the first time in a long time, I don’t have any tears to shed. It is not that I don’t miss her because I do. It is just that it is becoming easier to deal with. Grief is an odd thing.

  “I need clothes. I also want to shower.”

  “Wear mine. We have a shower here, too. In fact, we are up to date with all modern plumbing devices.”

  I jab an elbow into his stomach. “Smartass.”

  “I am, but I’m your smartass, which makes me highly valuable.”

  “God, you’re so weird.”

  “I love being weird with you.” He places another kiss on the back of my head and carefully stands from the bed without hurting me. “I don’t have class today. I thought maybe we could just spend the day together.” He tosses a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt onto the bed. “Go shower.” Grabbing the clothes, I sit up and stare back at Holden. Both of us open our mouths to talk, but neither of us says anything. Why does this feel so awkward?

  I take what must be the world’s longest shower, while I play his words over in my head. I could have sworn last night he said he had classes today. I don’t get out until I have used every last drop of hot water. I slip into the clean clothes Holden gave me, sans my underwear. I will need to stop at my dad’s house later to grab some clothes that I left there. The sweat pants are way too big on me. I have pulled the string as tight as I can and they are still falling off. The t-shirt is almost a dress on me. I knew Holden was taller than me, but I didn’t realize by how much.