Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  Sighing, I run my fingers through my thin hair, before taking off my glasses and setting them on my desk. Closing my laptop, I carefully roll my chair back from my desk. The story I have written has ended. But the story Owen and I have written over the years, surrounds me.

  We had started planning our wedding a few weeks after Rebecca and Mark’s. Originally, we planned for a winter wedding, but life decided to take its own path. We found out that September I was pregnant. We moved the wedding up to October of that year, so that I wouldn’t have to travel during the winter months. My dad, who has now been sober for twenty-five years, walked me down the aisle to the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

  We said our vows in a small, white church in Monticello, New York, where we now live. Owen was perfect as always. He made promises to make me laugh every day and to love me until he took his last breath. During his vows, he got down on his knees and placed his hands on my waist. He kissed my stomach and made promises to our baby growing inside of me, how he would give it the world. Owen has kept every promise he has ever made.

  Joshua Allan Knox was born on April first, nineteen ninety-six. I remember the shock on Owen’s face when I woke him up early that morning, telling him my water broke. He, of course, thought I was kidding because of the date. I wasn’t, and he soon found out how serious I was. Joshua was born a healthy seven pounds twelve ounces. He was exactly twenty inches long. He was perfect. I had complications after delivery, resulting in a complete hysterectomy. We never had any more children. Joshua is our one and only. He is the greatest piece of art that I have ever made.

  Janel and I opened two more galleries, including one in London. I sold my half of the business to her last year, when we found out I was sick. There was no sense in me holding onto it, if I couldn’t manage it anymore. We still speak on a weekly basis. Though as of late, our calls are more centered around how I am feeling.

  Rebecca and Mark had two children. They had a girl, who was the spitting image of Rebecca who they named, Allison Dae. She was born during a blizzard and made a spectacular entrance. They welcomed a son, Aaron Keith, two years later. Sadly, Rebecca and Mark divorced after seventeen years of marriage. Rebecca was tired of being a stay-at-home mom and wife, while Mark traveled the world. Unfortunately for Rebecca, she found out that Mark often enjoyed the company of other women, while he was away. Rebecca and I are still friends to this day. Neither Owen, nor I speak to Mark.

  I slowly stretch my sore legs. Everything feels sore lately. Carefully standing from my chair, I pad across the soft carpet, stopping in front of our dresser. The woman in the mirror catches my attention. My hair has finally grown an inch or two. I run my fingers through it. It is soft, but it will never be long again. My skin is thin and stretched along my cheekbones. The dark circles under my eyes consume my face. Cancer never looks good on anyone.

  My fingers clasp the delicate heart hanging around my neck. Owen should be home any minute now. I can hear Joshua moving things around downstairs. I told him he doesn’t have to stay here with me, but he refuses to leave. He is such a good boy. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

  A ray of sunshine finds its way through the windowpane, warming my skin. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the spiced citrus scent that follows. I feel him with me all the time now, especially when Owen is gone. It is like he knows.

  Owens voice echoes up the stairs. A smile spreads across my face, as I wait for him. “Where’s my beautiful girl?” He steps into our room and my heart explodes with love for him. His blonde hair has turned silver over the years. He refuses to shave his beard away completely. I am okay with every bit of it. I am not sure how he has managed to keep in shape over the years, but he has. Most of my figure has wasted away from the different medications and chemo the doctors had me on, over the course of the last year.

  Owen gently lifts me, sweeping me into his arms, and laying me softly on our bed. His soft lips find mine. I smile against his kiss. I will never have enough time with him. Time. If I have learned anything in my life, it is how cruel it can be. Years seem endless when you are little, but the older you get, the shorter you realize they become. I firmly believe it should be the opposite. This way you get to spend more time with the ones you love when you’re older.

  “Hey. What are these?” Owen swipes away a few tears off my cheeks. “Stop, baby. Don’t cry.”

  He tells me not to cry, as his arms gently pull me closer to him. It only makes me cry harder. I press my face against his chest, soaking his shirt with my tears. “Owen, I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby, so very much.”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For all of this. For loving me when I was broken. For fixing me. For giving me this life, our son, and so much more. Thank you for everything.”

  A tear drips down my face and I know it is not mine. I look up into deep blue eyes, brimming with tears. “I would do it all over again, every single bit of it. Carsten, baby, why do I get the feeling you’re saying goodbye?”

  “I’m not…I mean, I am, but I’m not. I don’t want you to break when I’m gone. I don’t want you to feel lost and alone. I don’t want to wait to say goodbye until the last moment. I want you to know how much you’ve done for me. I love you so much. You and Joshua both. I will never, ever stop loving you. Promise me you won’t explode when I go. Promise me you’ll be okay.” My fingers fist in his shirt, gripping onto him with every ounce of strength I have.

  “Ssh. Baby. It’s okay. I’ll be okay. I love you, too. You’ve given me a life I could never have imagined. Don’t cry, Carsten. I got you.” And he does. He has every single piece of me that I can give.

  We lay in each other’s arms for a little bit longer, before he carries me downstairs for dinner. I would argue the point that I can still walk, but the steps are steep and I am already tired. I rest my head against his shoulder, as he carries me down the steps. Joshua has made me homemade chicken noodle soup. It is my favorite. I watch with a smile on my face, as Joshua and Owen trade stories back and forth about places they have been or want to go. My boys love to travel. Owen has not only shown me the world. He has given it to me. As I look at my two boys sitting next to me, I know that I have seen the best of what life has to offer. And it is beautiful.

  Chapter 30

  After the End

  Owen

  “Carsten Marie Winters Knox closed her eyes for the last time three days ago. She was a beloved wife and mother. Her talents for seeing beauty in the world around us was captured in her ability to view the world through an artist’s perspective. She saw people for what they truly were. She was honest to a fault with her art. Her ability to express herself and the beauty surrounding us changed my life forever.” I take a breath, as I wipe away the salty tears rolling down my cheeks. I am trying so hard to keep my promise to her. I don’t want to break. I don’t want to explode, shattering into a million pieces, cutting the people I love with my pain. I have never broken a promise to her and I don’t plan on starting anytime soon.

  Taking another breath, I start again. “Most of you have had the pleasure of being her friends. I was her husband, her lover, her fierce protector, as she called me. I felt every pain, every tear, every smile, every laugh, for the past twenty-five years. I wish I had twenty-five more, but I don’t. I will tell you that it hurts knowing she will not be there when I wake up in the morning. Her pillow will never have a dent in it from where she would rest her head. I will never have to wake up in the middle of the night searching for the covers she has stolen. I will never again hold her, comforting her as she cries into my shirt over some Hallmark movie she’s just watched. I will never hold her again and it kills me inside.”

  I wipe a few more tears and take a deep steadying breath. “I was lucky enough to experience life with the most beautiful soul on this earth. And even if it ended this way every time, I would do it again and again. I love you, Carsten.”

  I step down from
the dark cherry podium and fold my speech, tucking it neatly in my pocket. Joshua wraps his arms around me. I hold him for a moment, it is probably a little too long, but I can’t help it. I know he is hurting, too. He takes his place at the podium and gives an amazing speech about how his mom taught him to love with his soul and then his eyes. He tells stories from when he was little. He would fall and scrape his knee. No matter how faint or serious the injury was, she would stop everything she was doing to bend down and kiss it.

  I look around at our friends and family surrounding us, laughing and smiling while tears roll down their cheeks. My eyes meet two lone souls in the very last pew. They offer me a simple smile. I gave Carsten a life their son never could. Just knowing they are here to say goodbye tells me how deeply she was loved. Anyone who knew her, considered themselves lucky to be in her presence. She was amazing. She was perfect. And she was mine. I have loved her since the first day that I saw her, and just as I promised, I will love her until I take my last breath.

  Chapter 31

  After the End

  Carsten

  Soft, bright flowers surround me. The warmth of the sun rolls over my skin. I spread my fingers, plucking a bright orange flower from beside my blanket. I bring it to my nose, inhaling its floral scent. I can hear the trickle in the stream through the trees behind me. Letting out a sigh of contentment, I roll onto my back.

  I can feel him before I see him. His spiced scent surrounds me, entrancing me. I close my eyes, reveling in it. Long, warm fingers brush against my cheek. My eyes open. My heart trips over itself, before falling back into its usual rhythm. Deep chocolate eyes with bits of amber, stare down at me. I hesitantly raise my hand, brushing his soft, warm skin with my fingers. Holden smiles his crooked grin and a tear rolls down my cheek, knowing that my dream will be over soon. He will fade and I will be alone for a few moments, until my eyes open and I find Owen sleeping soundly beside me in our bed.

  Owen. His name alone pierces my heart. I picture him and Joshua in my mind, trying to memorize every detail that I can. I let out a sob, realizing that I have once again said goodbye to one love to be with another. This feels too real to be a dream.

  “Why is my girl crying?” His velvet voice rolls over my skin, as he pulls me up against his chest, wrapping me in his arms. “Ssh. Don’t worry, baby. I got you.”

  “I love them, Holden.”

  “I know, baby. I know. Don’t worry. I got you now. You’re my girl. I have always had you.” He presses a kiss to the top of my head and with those simple words, my heart calms.

  “Holden.” His name softly falls from my lips. My hands reach up, tracing the features of his face. He is real. “I love you. I have always loved you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Everything that I have wanted to tell him over the years, all the pain I suffered through, every ounce of love…it crashes around me. I feel the touch of his skin, wiping away my tears. His fingers gently tilt my head up. I stare into his beautiful deep chocolate brown eyes. I am desperate to feel him, to make sure all of this is real and not in my head.

  It is as though he can read my thoughts. He leans his head down, our lips meet, and stars explode around us. My hands twist in his hair, while his twist in mine. Softly breaking our kiss, he presses his forehead to mine. “Hey, no more tears. I got you.”

  I have waited so long to hear those words fall around me, wrapping me in his love. I know he has me. He has always had me.

  His hands softly cradle my head, gently pressing it to his chest. The soft rhythm of his heart beats in my ear. I know that rhythm. My body melts against his. I sigh, when he presses another kiss to the top of my head. “Carsten, you’re going to love it here.”

  “I already do.” I nuzzle against his chest, inhaling his scent once again. I love Holden. I have loved him since I was five. I have learned that loving one person doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else just as deeply.

  I love Owen. He was everything that I needed to make me whole again. He gave me a beautiful life and a beautiful family. I love our son, Joshua, so much. I hope that he finds someone to love him like his father loved me. I will miss them so much. I already do, but I know that when they are ready, I will be able to find them again. If Holden waited this long for me, then I can wait for them.

  *****

  My name is Carsten Marie Winters Knox. I was lucky enough to be loved by two amazing men during my life. I traveled the world with my husband and son, while I sought out new artists to feature in my galleries. My husband promised me the world and he gave it to me.

  I love my husband with everything in me. He saved me. He was my knight in shining armor. I will always love him.

  I loved a boy when I was younger who grew into a beautiful man who I am still madly in love with. He was sweet, caring, and perfect in every way. I will always love him.

  Most people consider themselves lucky to find a love like that. I was lucky enough to find it twice.

  The End

  About Amber Lacie

  You can contact Amber Lacie at amberlacieauthor@gmail.com

  Amber Lacie grew up in Chicagoland and now lives in a quaint little town in Northwest Indiana. She has two beautiful children and a husband who worships the ground she walks on (or at least he should). She is an avid reader and coffee drinker. The love of being able to be transported into another world and experience adventures through someone else’s imagination has always captured her attention. Now, she is expanding that love into writing and is looking forward to producing many books.

  Website: www.amberlacieauthor.wix.com/author-blog

  Facebook: www.facebook.com/amberlacieauthor

  Twitter: @amber_lacie