Musings of a Gossip Queen: A Chick-Lit Comedy

by Victoria Bright

  “Can I hold it?” Carrie Jo asks, holding her hands out. I place Milo in her arms and watch as he licks her face and barks, his tiny tail wagging. “I wish I could take this cute little thing home with me! What’s its name?”

  “His name is Milo,” I say as Carrie Jo passes him to Shayla. Leo and Caesar walk over.

  “What’s all the fuss—OH SWEET JESUS, IT’S A PUPPY! I NEED THE PUPPY!” Leo exclaims and nearly snatches Milo from Shayla.

  “Hey! I wasn’t done cuddling him!” she complains. Leo holds Milo close to his chest and scratches him behind the ears.

  “Isn’t he the cutest little thing!” he says. “If I had a dog this small, I would dress it in the cutest little doggy fashion. He would be the most fashionable dog on the block.”

  “I’m sure,” I say and giggle.

  A throat clears behind us. “Why is everyone standing in the middle of the floor and not preparing for work?” Free Willy barks. I roll my eyes. It seems like baby Jesus is taking a little longer than I’d like in making her fall in to a sewer drain and disappearing.

  Milo barks and growls, squirming in Leo’s arms. I take him back and scratch him behind the ears to calm him as Madicunt walks over to us. I know, Milo. I don’t like her either, the cunt.

  “You brought a dog here?” she asks. I fight the urge to roll my eyes again. Well, yes, Captain Obvious. I think the furry animal in my arms would classify as a dog. When I don’t answer, she scoffs. “Last I checked this isn’t a doggy daycare.”

  And last I checked, this isn’t SeaWorld, yet here she is.

  “I have Gary’s permission and that’s the only person’s opinion I care about in regard to my dog,” I answer.

  “He’s cute and all, but why is he here?” Caesar asks, scratching under Milo’s neck.

  “Yeah, Blake, why is he here?” Madicunt repeats, standing next to Shayla and folding her arms across her chest. I almost want to slap the smirk that’s settled on her lips, but I have something that’ll do the trick.

  “Well if you must know, Silas and I have something to work on this evening and there’s no telling when I’ll get back home,” I say, gauging Madame Cunt’s face. “I don’t want to leave my helpless little puppy all alone for hours when I could be gone all night. What kind of puppy mom would I be to do such a thing?”

  “A project, eh?” Caesar asks and chuckles. “Is that what you kids are calling dates now?”

  Before I could answer, Gary walks into the workspace and claps his hand. “Okay, guys, everyone get to work,” he says and points to me. “I told you not to let that puppy be a distraction.”

  “He won’t be. I promise!” I say and scurry to my desk.

  Madicunt stomps off to her desk and glares at me from across the room. I bet that pea-sized brain of hers is probably churning with all kinds of thoughts as she tries to figure out what Silas and I are going to be doing. Wouldn’t be surprised if she even questions him about it. She’s such a nark.

  10:14 a.m.

  At my desk

  Silas still isn’t here. Weird.

  10:39 a.m.

  Still at my desk

  He STILL isn’t here. Is he sick? Did he change his mind about the photo shoot? I check my phone, but there are no new messages from him. I decide to send him a text.

  Blake: Hey, everything okay?

  No sooner than I hit send, he walks through the door looking flustered and out of breath. He drops his bag near his desk and pats around his pockets and pulls out his phone. He looks at it for a moment before meeting my gaze and giving me a thumbs up. I grin and nod while Madicunt glares at me and turns back to her computer in a huff. What a silly cunt.

  12:30 p.m.

  Break room

  “I almost thought you weren’t coming today,” I say, taking a forkful of my salad. He looks down at Milo, who chomps away on his wet food.

  “I didn’t sleep much last night, so I overslept this morning.” He ran a hand down his face and took another sip of his black coffee.

  “Was it the excitement of today that kept you up?” I ask.

  “I’m more nervous than I am excited. I just hope everything turns out the way I envision it. This could be huge for me. I just don’t want to screw it up.”

  “I’m sure you’ll do great,” I say. Milo barks at Silas. “See? Even Milo thinks it’ll be great.”

  Silas laughs and pets Milo. “Well, thanks for believing in me, little pup.”

  “Taylor has her makeup artist and stylist ready to go and you have the equipment you need and a trusty assistant. What could possibly go wrong?”

  “You’re right. I’m probably just overthinking things,” he says before looking at me with that intense gaze of his. “Have dinner with me tonight.”

  Madicunt settles down at the table adjacent to us, pretending to ignore us. Although Silas can’t see her because his back is to her, I can see her beady, cunty eyes glaring at me.

  “Dinner?” I repeat, loud enough for Madison to hear.

  “Yeah. I can cook for us or we can order out, whichever you prefer,” he answers, completely oblivious to camel shooting daggers at us from behind him.

  “Yeah, dinner sounds nice,” I say with a smile. Although I already know the answer to this, I just want to rub the fact that I’m going to his house in Madicunt’s face. “What time should I be at your place again?”

  “We can just leave here together and go straight there. I could use some help setting up anyway,” he says. Kreepy Kevin pokes his head in the doorway of the break room and looks around, his eyes settling on Silas. Sometimes I forget the guy even works here.

  “Hey Si, can I get your help with something really quick?” he asks.

  Silas looks to me. “I’ll catch up with you later, Spencer,” he says with a smile, reaching down to pet Milo before standing. Madicunt continues glaring at me as she gathers her things and follows him out of the break room, damn near tripping over her flippers trying to catch up to him. I grin to myself and take a sip of my water. She makes this entirely too easy.

  Blake - 7, Cunt cakes - 0

  1:10 p.m.

  Meeting room

  “I’d like to try something new,” Gary says, propping one foot up on a chair. “I think we should work in mini teams on a little project. A little work competition of sorts.”

  “Seriously?” Madicunt mutters.

  “Yes, seriously,” Gary responds with a slight frown. “As team leader, I’d expect you to be a little more enthusiastic.”

  “Woohoo,” she drawls, not even bothering to look up. Ugh. How did she even become team leader in the first place with that attitude? Wait, forget her attitude. When did we allow zoo animals in positions of power?

  “As I was saying,” he continues. “Since we have a new team member, I figure this would be the perfect time to have a team bonding activity. Nothing like working together and bringing the office together.”

  “So what are we doing?” Shayla asks.

  “Well, I’m so glad you asked that,” Gary says, resting his elbow on his knee. “I’m going to pair you up with another person and you and your partner are to make a small mock magazine. It can be about any subject, so you’re not limited to rumor mill or gossip topics.”

  Madison stops examining her nails and finally decides to join in on the conversation. “If you insist on having us in pairs, I’ll work with Silas—”

  “Oh no, I’ve already picked the pairs, Ms. Hill. The point of this is to work with your other team members and realize that Silas isn’t the only person in this building,” Gary says, placing his foot back on the floor and standing up straight. I focus my eyes on Milo, who sleeps in my lap. It’s taking everything in me not to smirk at her, but this may be a battle I’ll have to lose.

  “So, as for the teams,” Gary starts, unfolding a piece of paper. “Team A is Shayla and Caesar, Team B is Leo and Kevin…”

  Kevin and Leo groan simultaneously while my heart beat in my chest. If Madison isn’t with Sila
s, then I have a chance of ending up with either him or Carrie Jo. Please let it be Silas. Please let it be Silas.

  “Team C is Madison and Blake—”

  “What?” Shamu and I both exclaim in unison. Of all people why HER? Why is life playing such a cruel, sick joke on me by partnering me with this pain in the ass? What did I do to deserve such a thing, baby Jesus?

  “…And Team D is Carrie Jo and Silas,” Gary finishes, blatantly ignoring Madison and me. The nerve of him.

  The camel jumps to her feet in a huff. “What the hell? If you want me to work with someone new, I’ll work with Kevin then!” she bargains. I roll my eyes. Yeah, I don’t want to work with you either, you dick weed.

  “You all have a week to complete this project, so you better get together and start brainstorming!” Gary exclaims, ignoring Madicunt once again as he makes his way to the door. “Good luck!”

  Silas leans against the wall and slightly smirks at me as Madison storms out of the meeting room. If she’s going to act like this the entire week, I’m pretty sure we won’t get anything done. Of course she’ll blame me and that’ll be another reason for her to hate me.

  “Looks like you have your work cut out for you,” Shayla murmurs as she stands.

  I sigh. You got that right.

  2:20 p.m.

  At my desk

  I hate you, Gary. I hate you, Gary. I hate you, Gary. I hate you, Gary.

  I glance over at Madicunt, who’s glaring at me from her computer as if I put us in this predicament.

  I definitely hate you, Gary.

  4:07 p.m.

  At my desk

  There’s less than an hour left of work and Madicunt is still up to her usual cunty tendencies. Everyone else is working with their partner and brainstorming their ideas while Madicunt and I can’t even get over the hurdle of at least sitting next to each other without me wanting to put a shock collar on her. God, I hate her and I hate Gary for doing this to me.

  I finally get up and stroll across the room. She pretends to click away at her computer, refusing to acknowledge my presence. Clearing my throat, I force away the grimace I feel forming on my face and pray that I look friendly and not constipated.

  “I’m sure you’re not happy about being my partner—”

  “I’d rather drink bleach,” she mutters. Oh, I’d gladly pour you a shot, cunt. Instead of strangling her, I take a deep breath and release an airy laugh.

  “I’m sure that sounds rather tempting for weak-minded individuals, but can you be serious? We’re competing against everyone else. Do you want to lose?” I ask.

  Someone snorts a few feet away as I fight the urge to grin. Madicunt glares at someone behind me before narrowing her eyes at me. “How about I call you when I have an idea so that you’re not in my face unless you absolutely have to be?” she mutters and turns back to her computer.

  I roll my eyes. “Whatever,” I reply and head back to my own computer. The sooner this project is over, the better. Hopefully she’ll get the stick out of her ass or else I’ll end up in jail before next week.

  Baby Jesus, please give me the strength to deal with this twit. I’ll definitely need it.

  4:49 p.m.

  Break room

  I grab my lunch bag from the refrigerator just as Carrie Jo and Shayla enter the break room.

  “Hey Blake, are you doing anything tomorrow night?” Shayla asks, pushing coins into the vending machine.

  Milo squirms around in my arms and whimpers at the sight of the girls. Carrie Jo comes and takes him, hugging him close to her chest.

  “He’s just so darn adorable! Can I have him?” she asks.

  I giggle and shake my head. “He’s my only baby. I’m not letting him go.”

  “Blake? Tomorrow night?” Shayla asks again.

  “Oh, sorry. Not that I know of. Why, what’s up?”

  “I’m inviting a couple of friends over to my place tomorrow night for a pajama party. Movies, drinks, makeovers—”

  “Like a sleepover or something?”

  “Depending on how drunk we get,” she jokes, grabbing the dispensed soda from the machine.

  “Well, that sounds like fun. Sure, I’d like to come.”

  “Good. And this little cutie is invited, too,” she adds, scratching Milo behind the ears. He licks her hand and wags his little tail, excited over all the attention he’s getting. My pup is such a little man whore.

  Well, dog whore.

  You get the gist.

  5:06 p.m.

  Subway

  “Can you believe him?” I shriek. Silas and I sit side by side as Milo rests on my lap. “Of all the people he could’ve paired me with, he chooses to put me with her.”

  Silas smirks at me, completely amused by my frustration. I damn sure don’t find anything funny about this situation. It’s bad enough to have to work with her, but to work on a project that could cause me to have to see her outside of work? Yeah, maybe I’ll join her and drink bleach as well. It’ll be better than the alternative of working with her.

  “Maybe he had a good reason,” Silas finally says. I scoff at him. He better be glad he’s good-looking, otherwise I probably would’ve disowned him for even having such a thought. The only reason Gary could’ve possibly had to do this is to ruin my life. Simple.

  “Don’t be delusional. If he thinks putting us together will fix anything, he’ll be sadly mistaken.”

  “Try to look on the bright side. Maybe she’ll finally see you the way we all do and she’ll change,” he suggests.

  As fucking if.

  I already tried that and it backfired in my face. Madison will find a reason to continue hating me simply for existing. As long as Silas shows interest in me and I continue to do well and be praised at work, there’s nothing I’ll be able to do or say that’ll change her mind about me. I mean hello? Once a cunt, always a cunt.

  I sigh and sulk down in my seat. “Yeah, well I guess we’ll see,” I mutter, praying that time would prove me wrong.

  But I doubt it.

  Because a cunt can’t change its stripes and I don’t expect her to ever change hers.

  5:13 p.m.

  Still on the subway

  I still hate Gary. I still hate Gary. I still—

  “Hey, relax,” Silas says, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. The warmth of his hand makes me forget everything for a split second. Why am I annoyed again? What did Gary do? Hell, whose dog is this on my lap?

  It’s so strange how one touch, smile, or word from him can cause me to become so lost. I’ll let go of the Madicunt drama for now. Thankfully I still have a date to look forward to so my “best day ever” hasn’t gone completely to shit.

  Not yet, anyway.

  5:32 p.m.

  Silas’ apartment

  Now I know looks can be deceiving, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Silas is trying to prank me. We stop in front of a building that looks a bit beat up and can probably pass as an abandoned factory or warehouse. People actually live in this place?

  All the windows are dark and appear suspicious, as if something or someone dangerous is lurking in the shadows ready to attack me. Silas pats around his pants and mumbles something, which makes me a bit uneasy. Even Milo gets a weird vibe. He whimpers and nestles closer to my chest. Now I kind of feel like a bad mom. Did my crush on Silas lead me to my death? What if I set myself up to be murdered and end up being a story line for a Law & Order episode or some other crime show? My poor Milo will be an orphan and have no one to care for him and—

  “Are you coming?” Silas asks from behind me. I turn around and see him watching me with a curious gaze. A row of beautiful brick town homes stood across the street, a stark contrast from the run down building across from it. He glances at the building and chuckles, shaking his head. “You didn’t think I lived there, did you?”

  I giggle nervously. Ha.

  I totally didn’t think that. Not at all.

  “Of course not,” I lie. “I was ju
st looking around.”

  “Well, look this way and come on,” he says, taking my hand and guiding me across the street.

  I try to calm the butterflies I feel in my stomach. I can’t decide if I’m more excited about him holding my hand or that we’re about to be in his house. I wonder if Cunt Bucket has made it to his house. I grimace. Since they’re friends, I’m pretty sure she has. It’s whatever. I’m here now, so that pretty much evens our playing field.

  Taylor waves at us from across the street. “Carolina! Over here!” she calls, jumping and waving her arms about.

  “I never asked before, but why does she call you that?” Silas asks as we make our way over to her and a girl with bright pink hair and eccentric clothes as well as man dressed in black jeans and a fitting black t-shirt.

  “I guess because of the reason people call Carrie Jo Kentucky.”

  “Ah. So which Carolina are you from?”

  “North,” I answer.

  Taylor meets us and gestures toward the woman and the two racks of clothes. “I wasn’t really sure what you were looking for as far as looks, so I brought a lot of options we can choose from.” The woman pulls the rack of clothes down the sidewalk and stops in front of Silas.

  “Where are these going? I don’t have all day,” she drawls, popping her chewing gum.

  “This way,” Silas says, leading the way inside.

  Let’s hope this goes well!

  Chapter Eleven

  5:41 p.m.

  Inside Silas’ apartment

  I must say I’m rather impressed. When I learned that Silas was vegan and found out all the stuff that was considered non-vegan, I figured his home would be bland and boring. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure he thinks my house is a road kill graveyard with all the leather and animal fur rugs I have everywhere.