A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  Carolyn moved across the small porch and sank into the swing. She pushed it back and forth and breathed in the brisk February air while thinking about her brief conversation with her brother. Amos was the only member of the community who never forgave her mistake. She was thankful that he provided a home for her and her son on his farm, but she’d prayed thousands of times that he would soften his heart toward them. She knew that employment away from Amos and his mischievous sons was a good option for Benjamin.

  Carolyn smoothed her hands over her cloak as she contemplated Joshua Glick. She’d noticed him at the auction early in the day when he was repairing a buggy in one of the barns. He looked to be in his mid to late thirties and was tall and lean. His dark hair was a stark complement to his deep blue eyes. His clean-shaven face was tan from the hours he must have spent with his horses. She noticed that he was confident and kind with his horses, as if he could relate to them on a deeper level than the average Amish man. She immediately recognized his expertise with the animals when he was working in the barn, too, and she admired his talent.

  Yet she was then taken aback when he scolded her son with authority, as if Benjamin were one of his own children. She hoped Joshua would hold on to his temper and be a fair and good employer. She wanted her son’s first experience working away from home to be positive.

  “Mamm?” Benjamin’s voice broke through her thoughts. “Are you coming inside?”

  “Ya.” Carolyn stood and faced him in the doorway. “I’m coming in.” She walked over toward the door and smiled, silently thanking God for her precious son.

  THREE

  During the Sunday service, Joshua sat with the other unmarried men while he sang along with the familiar German hymns in the Ausbund. It was the Esh family’s turn to host the three-hour service, which was held in the barn of one of the church district families every other Sunday.

  He held back a yawn as he stared down at the hymnal. The long day at the auction had worn him out, but it was worth it to showcase and sell a few of his horses. He’d also gotten to bed much later than he expected after having the vet stitch up Buck, but he managed to travel to church on time in his horse and buggy. Glancing across the barn, he spotted his father sitting with the other older, married men, and his father greeted him with a nod.

  The service began with a hymn as Joshua redirected his thoughts to the present. He joined in as the congregation sang the hymn slowly. A young man sitting behind Joshua served as the song leader as the service began. He began the first syllable of each line and then the rest of the congregation joined in to finish the verse.

  While the ministers met in another room for thirty minutes to choose who would preach that day, the congregation continued to sing. Joshua saw the ministers return during the last verse of the second hymn. They hung their hats on the pegs on the wall, indicating that the service was about to begin.

  The minister began the first sermon, and his message droned on like background noise to the thoughts echoing in Joshua’s head. Although he tried to concentrate on the preacher’s holy words, he couldn’t stop looking across the barn to where the married women were seated.

  Just a little over a year ago, Joshua would gaze toward the same area of the congregation and find Hannah, his former sister-in-law, sitting there. He thought about Gideon suffering a massive heart attack in the back pasture at the horse farm. Although the emergency medical technicians had tried to revive him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, it was too late.

  Joshua always wondered if he could’ve saved him if he’d found him earlier in the day. Although Joshua knew it was a sin to doubt God’s plan, he sometimes remembered the details of that day and wondered what he could’ve done to save his brother. What if he had done CPR longer? What if Hannah had called the paramedics sooner? What if the ambulance had driven faster? Joshua knew nothing could bring his brother back, but that reality did little to take the pain away. He missed him so much sometimes that his heart ached with regret and guilt over his death.

  While the minister continued to talk in German, Joshua lost himself in memories of his brother and their horse business.

  The first sermon ended, and Joshua knelt in silent prayer along with the rest of the congregation. After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures, and then the hour-long main sermon began. Joshua willed himself to concentrate on the sermon and then the prayers.

  Relief flooded Joshua when the fifteen-minute kneeling prayer was over. The congregation then stood for the benediction and to sing the closing hymn. While Joshua sang, his eyes moved to where the young women sat and settled on his niece, Lillian. Although it had been a year since Lillian’s mother, sister, and brother left the community, he still sometimes expected to see Lillian’s fraternal twin, Amanda, sitting beside her during the service.

  Lillian sat up straight and pushed her glasses farther up her nose while singing the hymn. She was the picture of Hannah in younger days with her bright red hair and green eyes. Joshua still had a difficult time accepting that Hannah had left Lily living with Joshua’s parents while she moved Amanda and Andrew into the bed-and-breakfast with her new husband. Joshua had heard recently that Amanda had gotten her GED and was taking classes at the local community college and Andrew was attending fourth grade at the local public elementary school.

  Lillian continued to smile and act as if everything was okay, but Joshua knew the truth. He could see the sadness in her green eyes, no matter how happy she said she was.

  When the service was over, Joshua helped a few of the other men convert the benches into tables and then sat and talked with them while they awaited their lunch. He looked up as his mother moved past him and nodded a greeting.

  Barbie Glick smiled at her son, Joshua, on her way to the kitchen where she helped the other women prepare to serve the food to the men.

  “Mammi,” her granddaughter Lillian said as she sidled up beside her. “Have you met Lena Esh?”

  Barbie shook her head. “I don’t think I have.”

  “She was sitting with Anna Mary and me.” Lillian motioned toward the other side of the kitchen where her best friend, Anna Mary Esh, stood with a girl who had the same brown hair and eyes. “That’s Lena. She’s Anna Mary’s older sister who just moved back here from Ohio. She’s almost thirty.”

  “She just moved back here?” Barbie filled a tray with dishes of peanut butter spread as she spoke. “Where was she living?”

  “She lived with her cousins for a few years, helping to take care of her sick mammi in Sugar Creek, Ohio, and then decided to join the church and come back to be with her family. She’s working in the Esh family’s bakery now.” Lillian picked up a pitcher of coffee and grinned. “She’d be perfect for Onkel Josh. You said you’d like him to finally get married. Maybe she could be the one to steal his heart.”

  “Oh, ya?” Barbie studied the girl, taking in the slight frame and pretty smile of the church’s new member. “You think so?”

  “Oh ya.” Lillian pushed the ribbons back from her prayer covering. “Lena is really sweet, and she already thinks Onkel Josh is handsome. I pointed him out to her earlier. Anna Mary told me Lena is eager to get married and start a family. I think Lena and Onkel Josh would get along just fine.” She motioned toward the door. “I’m going to go fill coffee cups.”

  “I’ll be right there with the peanut butter spread.” Barbie carried the tray over to where Lena was talking with Anna Mary while they filled bowls with cheese spread. “Gude mariye.”

  Lena and Anna Mary returned the greeting.

  “I hear you’re working at the bakery,” Barbie said to Lena while balancing the tray in her hands.

  “Ya.” Lena nodded while glancing down at the bowls of cheese spread. “I love to cook and bake.”

  “That’s wunderbaar.” Barbie smiled. “I also hear you lived with your cousins for a while.”

  “I did.” Lena’s shoulders hunched a little. “I cared for my grandmother for a number of years. Aft
er she passed, I realized I was supposed to come back to my family, find a husband, and be his helpmate. That’s what God intended for us to do.” She smiled at Anna Mary and then looked at Barbie again. “I want to fall in love and get married soon. I’m almost thirty, so I feel like it’s time to start a family.”

  Anna Mary nodded, causing the ribbons to bounce from her prayer covering. “We’re glad you came back.”

  “I’m so froh to be back. I missed my family so much. And the bakery is so fun. Mei mamm says I’m a really gut baker. She says I’ll make a husband froh because I’ll make gut food and keep him well fed.” Lena’s cheeks blazed a bright pink. “I don’t mean to be prideful.”

  “You’re not prideful,” Anna Mary told her sister. “Lily says I’m a gut teacher’s assistant too. I love teaching with Lily. Maybe you can help me make some kichlin to bring in for the scholars next week. They would love to have some of your chocolate chip kichlin.”

  “That’s a gut idea.” Lena’s smile was wide with excitement. “I want to see your schoolhouse too. You have to invite me to come in and visit the class one day. Do you think the scholars would like chocolate chip kichlin or another kind? I can always make oatmeal raisin and peanut butter. What about peanut butter with chocolate chips?”

  Barbie nodded slowly while she listened to Lena discuss her favorite cookie recipes. The young lady’s demeanor and voice were humble, and she seemed respectful when she talked to Barbie.

  Barbie’s smile widened as a thought filled her—Lena was the complete opposite of Hannah, her former daughter-in-law, who never heeded Barbie’s suggestions or took her advice on child-rearing or housekeeping. No matter how much Barbie tried to train Hannah to keep a house and raise her children the way she had raised her boys, Hannah did the opposite.

  Lena would be the perfect, dutiful, respectful daughter-in-law who would be certain to listen to Barbie and obey her. And Barbie was certain that if Lena did marry Joshua, Lena would never consider leaving the community and taking away Barbie’s grandchildren as Hannah had done last year. It was obvious that the young lady took her church vows seriously and was determined to be a dutiful helpmate to her future husband.

  Barbie was intent on getting Joshua married. He was nearly forty, and she longed for more grandchildren—especially since Hannah had left the community and taken two of Barbie’s precious grandchildren with her. She saw Amanda and Andrew periodically, but she missed them desperately at church.

  Lena would be the perfect wife for Joshua. She was young and pretty, and she could bake and cook. Barbie was certain Lena could keep a house too. If not, then Barbie would teach her how. She just had to point Lena out to Joshua and motivate him to leave the farm and start dating. Her son worked constantly and never attended the gatherings for the older singles in the community. She had to get him to step away from the farm and start living a full life.

  “I think the scholars would love your peanut butter kichlin,” Anna Mary said after Lena stopped talking about recipes. “That’s a gut idea.”

  “Lena,” Barbie said, “have you gone to any of the socials for the older singles since you’ve come back?”

  Lena shook her head. “No, I haven’t gone yet.”

  “You should go,” Barbie said. “You’ll meet the bachelors in the community. I know there are some older bachelors who could use a gut fraa like you.”

  Anna Mary jabbed her sister’s ribs. “I told you that you should go. It’s the only way you’re going to meet someone. You said you want to get married.”

  Lena shrugged. “Okay. I’ll go.”

  “Gut.” Barbie smiled as she started toward the door. She had successfully convinced Lena to go to a social gathering for the older singles in the community. Now if she could just get Joshua to go and meet Lena.

  After lunch, Joshua had said good-bye to his friends and was hitching his horse to his buggy when his father walked up behind him.

  “How was the auction?” his father asked as he began to help him.

  “It went really well.” Joshua nodded. “I sold five horses.”

  “Gut, gut!” Dat clapped his hands. “You’ve gotten busy. You should consider hiring more help.”

  “There was one issue at the auction. A bu threw a rock at Buck and now Buck has a gash in his rump. Cameron Wood came over last night and stitched him up.”

  “That’s awful,” Dat said. “Is Buck all right?”

  “He’s fine. I found the bu who did it. He’s going to start working for me tomorrow to repay the vet bill debt. The bu’s name is Benjamin Lapp. He’s fifteen.” Joshua gestured toward his father. “You know his daadi.”

  “I do?” Dat looked confused.

  “You went to school with him. Titus Lapp. He lives over in Gordonville.”

  “Oh ya! Titus Lapp.” Dat fingered his beard as he spoke. “He married a maedel named Miriam, and they have two kinner.”

  Joshua shrugged. “Ya, that sounds right.”

  Dat leaned against the buggy. “How is old Titus?”

  “Gut, I guess.” Joshua shrugged. “Maybe he’ll come to the farm with Benjamin sometime and you can stop by and see. Benjamin is going to help out until the summer.”

  “Sounds like the bu needs to do some work. And you need the help, so it will work out perfectly,” Dat said.

  “Ya, I hope so. The bu is small. He actually looks a lot younger than he is, but maybe working on my farm will help him develop some strength and muscles. I know it’s helped Danny fill out some.”

  “What are you two talking about?” His mother walked around from behind the buggy.

  Joshua shared the story of the boy coming to work for him, and she crossed her chubby arms over her wide dress and nodded in agreement.

  “Sounds like a gut plan.” Mamm suddenly smiled. “Did you see the new maedel at service today?”

  Joshua shook his head while he finished hitching the horse. “No, I didn’t.”

  “Her name is Lena, and she’s Anna Mary Esh’s older schweschder. You know Anna Mary. She’s Lily’s teacher’s assistant at the schoolhouse. She started helping Lily out at the school a couple of months ago.”

  Joshua tried not to frown as his mother talked on about things that didn’t really interest him. “I know Anna Mary.”

  “Oh, gut. Anyway, her older schweschder Lena just came back to Paradise after living with her cousins. She wound up joining the church out in Sugar Creek, but she wanted to come back here to be with her mamm and dat. She’s almost thirty. She’s working at the Esh family’s bakery, and she likes to bake and cook. You should meet her.”

  “Mamm,” Joshua began, doing his best to keep his voice even despite his growing agitation, “please don’t start trying to fix me up with someone. I told you already I’m too busy to date. I have a business to run.”

  “Listen to me, Joshua.” His mother gripped his sleeve. “It’s not natural for you to be alone. You need a fraa to run your household for you. You can’t do all the cooking and cleaning yourself. I won’t be here to take care of you forever. You need to stay strong and healthy so you can run your farm. You need a fraa to cook gut food for you.”

  Joshua gritted his teeth to bite back disrespectful words. “Mamm, I take gut care of myself, and I don’t expect you to cook or clean for me. I can handle it all on my own. I’ve done pretty well since I moved into the haus on the farm. I haven’t starved yet, have I?”

  “No, no, you haven’t. You look healthy so far.” She waved off his rebuttal. “Just give me a chance to tell you about Lena. She’s perfect for you. She’s young and schee. She’s just what you need. You’ll get to know her, marry her, and you’ll have a houseful of kinner. Don’t you want what Gideon had?” She sniffed, and her blue eyes misted over with tears when she mentioned his late brother. “Gideon was such a gut dat. I know you can be one too. Hannah has taken two of mei grandkinner away from our community. You can bring us more grandkinner. You can help repair my broken heart.”

  Joshua loo
ked at his father, hoping he would change the subject and stop his mother from ranting about the painful subject of Gideon, Hannah, and the children they all missed. Instead of chiming in, his father looked resigned to his mother’s determination.

  “Just go to a social and meet Lena,” his mother continued. “You’ll like her, Josh. I’m certain you’ll want to get to know her better.”

  “Fine,” Joshua said with a sigh. “I’ll go to a social and meet her, but don’t start planning my wedding just yet. I never said I was desperate to get married. You’re just desperate to get me married.”

  “Wunderbaar! You’ll finally go to a social!” His mother clapped her hands. “I know you’ll be froh to meet Lena.” She looked past him and gasped. “There she is with Anna Mary. Look toward that group of maed. They’re standing with Lily.”

  Joshua looked toward a group of young women talking by the pasture fence and spotted a young woman standing with his niece and her friend. The young lady was average height and had light brown hair. She laughed while Anna Mary and Lily seemed to be talking nonstop beside her. She angled her face toward Joshua, and he noticed her delicate features. Lena then smiled at Lillian, and her face seemed to light up. Joshua had to admit she was attractive, but what did he know about dating? He’d pined for Hannah for nearly half of his life, and she’d walked away from him and the community without looking back.

  “You should go talk to her now, Joshua.” Mamm nudged him with her hand. “Just go say hello.”

  Joshua eyed his mother. “I can’t go talk to her now. I need to get home and feed the horses.” His mother opened her mouth to speak, and he raised his finger. “I told you I will go to a social. Please don’t push this. You know I don’t like to be pressured into things.”