A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  “Okay, okay.” She nodded. “That will be just fine.”

  “I’ll see you both later. I’m going to head home.” Joshua shook his father’s hand and gave his mother a quick hug before climbing into the buggy.

  He guided the horse out to the main road while thinking about his mother. He loved her, but sometimes he wished she would concentrate on something else. She’d always pressured him to find someone and get married, but lately it seemed to be her one focus, her one goal in life.

  He was certain her heart was broken after Hannah chose to leave and take Amanda and Andrew away from the Amish church. And in some ways, it made sense that she hoped Joshua could provide more grandchildren to help heal the hole in her heart. Yet, at the same time, he wasn’t focused on finding a wife and starting a family. He wanted to run the best horse farm he could in honor of Gideon’s memory. Finding a wife didn’t fit in with his plans right now. He was too busy to date, but his mother wasn’t known for taking no for an answer.

  Joshua considered Lena while he merged onto another road, heading toward his farm. She looked to be a nice enough young lady. He was certain his mother wouldn’t stop nagging him until he attended a social and met her, but he’d only told her he would to get her to drop the subject. Joshua had no intention of attending a social with the rest of the older single folks in his church district. If he were meant to meet Lena Esh, then God would place her in his path. If his mother asked about the social, he’d simply tell her he was too busy and he’d try again the following week. She would have to accept that answer for now. He prayed she would find something else to occupy her time and take her focus off Joshua’s life.

  He turned onto his street and made his way toward his horse farm. Soon the sign advertising Glick’s Belgian and Dutch Harness Horses came into view and Joshua thought again about Gideon. He missed his older brother and thought of him nearly every day as he walked out to the stables, thinking of how Gideon would be pleased if he could witness how busy and successful the farm had become during the past few years.

  Joshua guided the horse up the rock driveway and past the two-story, white clapboard house where he now lived. It was the house where Gideon had brought Hannah after they were married and then welcomed his three children. The house seemed too big and too empty for only Joshua, but it made sense for him to move onto the farm after Hannah left.

  He climbed down from the buggy, unhitched the horse, and led it toward the stable while thinking about his life. He knew God intended him to stay on the farm after Gideon died, and for a long time he believed God intended for him and Hannah to be together.

  As he stepped into the stable, he pondered what life would be like if he had a wife and a family. He pushed the thoughts away, knowing he didn’t have time to find a wife. Dreaming about it was crazy. He was where he needed to be. After all, he was nearly forty and still single. Maybe God didn’t intend for everyone to be married.

  Yet deep in his heart, he wondered if there was more for him than his lonely life on the horse farm.

  Later that evening, Barbie checked to make sure the back door was locked before heading to bed.

  “Mammi.” Lillian walked through the kitchen clad in her long nightgown. “I thought you had already gone to bed.”

  “I was heading that way.” She watched her granddaughter place a book in her tote bag. “Are you getting ready for school tomorrow?”

  “Ya.” Lillian yawned and stretched her arms. “I had fun at youth group today. We played volleyball until our arms hurt over at Nancy’s haus.”

  “That’s gut.” Barbie sat on a kitchen chair. “Have a seat. Let’s talk for a minute. How’s Leroy?”

  “He’s gut.” Lillian’s smile was wide as she sat across from her. “I really like him. I can’t wait until we’re both baptized so we can really date.” She suddenly frowned. “Sometimes I really miss Amanda while I’m at youth group. I know she chose to go with mei mamm and go to college, but sometimes I feel so lonely. It was hard enough losing mei mamm, but I also lost mei zwillingboppli and mei bruder.”

  “I know, mei liewe.” Barbie touched her hand while wondering how Hannah could’ve walked away from her daughter and started a new life without her. “But you still have me. You’ll always have your daadi and me.”

  “Danki.” Lillian’s expression brightened again. “So, do you think Onkel Josh and Lena will get together?”

  “I hope so.” Barbie rested her chin on her palm. “He promised me that he’d go to one of the social gatherings for the older singles. I hope they meet and start dating. Maybe we’ll have a wedding to plan in the fall.”

  “Ach!” Lillian clapped her hands. “That would be wunderbaar.” She suddenly frowned again. “But he’s awfully stubborn. What if he doesn’t go to the social? What can we do to get them together?”

  “Hmm.” Barbie rubbed her chin. “We’ll have to come up with a gut plan.”

  “Okay.” Lillian cupped her hand to her mouth to block a yawn. “We’ll have to think about that. I’ll let you know what I come up with. I better get to bed. Gut nacht, Mammi.”

  “Gut nacht.” Barbie considered the issue of Joshua’s bachelorhood while her granddaughter disappeared up the stairs. Barbie never took no for an answer. She would find the right wife for Joshua no matter how long it took.

  FOUR

  Joshua glanced toward the driveway just as a horse and buggy steered in. He’d been expecting Benjamin Lapp to arrive anytime. The young man stopped the horse by the barn and Joshua crossed the pasture to meet him.

  “Willkumm!” Joshua shook Benjamin’s hand.

  “Danki.” Benjamin scanned the property. “This is a schee farm.”

  “Danki, danki.” Joshua gestured toward the horse. “Why don’t you unhitch your horse and you can bring him to the stables. I’ll show you around.”

  “Okay.” Joshua gave him a little history of the farm as Ben guided his horse toward the stables. Daniel King stepped out as they approached.

  “Benjamin.” Daniel shook Benjamin’s hand. “It’s gut to see you. Are you ready for some hard work?”

  Benjamin shrugged. “Ya.”

  “Gut.” Daniel motioned for Benjamin to follow him. “Let’s get started shoveling out the stalls.”

  Joshua walked toward the barn where his telephone and answering machine were kept. He found the red button flashing and listened to the messages. The first two were from potential customers wishing to make an appointment to come and see the horses. He wrote down their names and numbers so he could call them back.

  When the machine began the third message, his mother’s voice rang through the speaker. “Joshua, this is your mamm. I need you to bring me that casserole dish I left at your haus Friday. I’m planning on making you another casserole, and I have to have that dish. Please bring it this evening around five. See you then. Danki.”

  Joshua sighed while wondering what casserole dish his mother needed. He called the customers back, made appointments with them for the following day, and then strolled into the house. He crossed from the mudroom into the kitchen and grimaced at the mountain of dirty dishes clogging the sink. He had planned to take care of the dishes this morning, but he was sidetracked outside by the constant work required to keep a successful farm running.

  Joshua scanned the kitchen, finding piles of newspapers, unopened bills, catalogs, and notepads peppering the long table. When Hannah and her family lived in this house, it was spotless. Now it was nothing but a messy bachelor residence. Actually, it was a lonely and messy bachelor house. Hannah would be so ashamed if she saw it.

  Hannah.

  Joshua wondered if that ache he felt in his heart when he thought of her would ever go away. He wanted to move past the hurt and betrayal she had left behind, but he didn’t know how to let go. He knew he needed to pray and ask God for help healing his heart, but he didn’t even know how to ask for help. How silly was that? He couldn’t even open up his heart to pray for healing.

  He m
oved to the sink and sifted through the heap of pots, dishes, and bowls until he found the casserole dish his mother had requested. Then he washed all the dishes and picked up some of the mess on the kitchen table before returning outside to continue his chores.

  Carolyn stepped into the break room at the Lancaster Grand Hotel that afternoon after she finished cleaning the rooms on the second floor. She found her friends and fellow housekeepers, Ruth Ebersol and Linda Zook, already sitting at the table, eating their lunches.

  “Hello,” Carolyn said, pulling her lunch bag from the refrigerator. “How is your day going?” She poured water into a plastic cup and then sat across from them.

  “It’s been gut,” Linda, a petite brunette in her early thirties, said. She shrugged as she unwrapped a cheese sandwich. “The usual. Dirty rooms and unmade beds.”

  Ruth laughed. Her graying hair peeked out from under her prayer covering. “You sound as if this is the worst job in the world, Linda. It’s not so bad, really. And the sun is shining and February is almost over. March will be here soon. It’s been a fine day. I’ve been training the newest member of our housekeeping team.”

  “We have a new coworker?” Carolyn raised her eyebrows with surprise as she pulled her sandwich out of the bag. “I didn’t know Gregg was hiring someone new.”

  “Ya, her name is Madeleine Miller. She’s going to come and join us for lunch in a few minutes. She had to go talk to Gregg.” Ruth gestured toward the door. “You’ll like her. She’s very sweet, and she’s English.”

  “Really?” Carolyn lifted her turkey sandwich.

  “She’s going to replace Hannah.” Ruth sipped her cup of water. “It will be nice to finally have the extra help again. Gregg wasn’t sure we needed it for a while, but business has picked up considerably. I’m glad he decided to hire someone.”

  The door opened, and a woman who appeared to be in her late twenties stepped into the room wearing a gray dress and a black bib apron. Her dark brown hair was pulled back in a long ponytail, and her gold name tag said “Madeleine.”

  “You must be Carolyn.” Madeleine approached Carolyn and shook her hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Ruth has told me all about you.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too.” Carolyn tapped the seat next to her. “Join us for lunch.”

  “Thank you.” Madeleine placed her lunch bag on the table and then sat next to Carolyn. “Gregg seems really nice.”

  Ruth nodded while chewing. “He’s a gut supervisor. He’s fair, and he also expects us to do our best.”

  “Do you live close to the hotel?” Carolyn asked as she wiped her mouth with a paper napkin.

  Madeleine nodded. “I live a couple of miles away in Paradise. I moved here a few months ago. I’m sort of starting over.”

  Carolyn and Ruth exchanged intrigued expressions.

  Linda folded up the wrapper for her sandwich. “What made you move here?”

  “Well,” Madeleine said as she glanced around at her newest friends, “my grandparents were Amish, and I used to visit them here frequently when I was a child. I spent nearly every summer with them when I was little. After they passed away, I found out I inherited their house, and I decided to move here instead of selling it.”

  “Oh.” Carolyn nodded. “You think you might stay in the area for a while?”

  “It’s more than that.” Madeleine studied her apple. “I actually have always been fascinated with the culture. I’ve always moved around a lot, and I would like to find a real home. The summers I spent with my grandparents were always my favorite. I feel like I belong here.”

  Carolyn met Ruth’s curious gaze and raised her eyebrows.

  “Are you saying you want to be Amish?” Ruth asked.

  “No,” Madeleine said slowly. “But I’ve always wanted to move here and learn more about the community where my grandparents lived.” Madeleine turned toward Carolyn. “Did you grow up Amish?”

  “Ya.” Carolyn gestured toward the other women at the table. “We all did.”

  “What was it like to grow up Amish?” Madeleine asked with curiosity shining in her eyes.

  Carolyn remained quiet while Ruth shared stories of growing up on a farm not far from where she lived now. Linda chimed in and talked about her parents’ farm and how wonderful life was before her parents passed away.

  Carolyn smiled and nodded but remained silent while they spoke. She had never shared the story of her teen pregnancy with her coworkers, and she didn’t want to open up today, especially since she didn’t know Madeleine very well. Although she was no longer ashamed, she knew how some people judged her.

  “Well, it’s about that time.” Ruth stood and tossed her plastic cup into the trash can behind her. “Back to work.”

  Linda turned toward Madeleine. “Ruth said I can take you with me this afternoon while I clean. Would you like to join me?”

  “That would be wonderful.” Madeleine packed up her lunch bag. “I’d love to work with you.”

  Carolyn placed her empty lunch bag in her tote and then placed it in her locker. She waved good-bye as Madeleine and Linda headed out of the break room.

  “Are you okay, Carolyn?” Ruth sidled up to her. “You were awfully quiet during lunch.”

  Carolyn shrugged. “I didn’t have much to add to the conversation. My childhood isn’t worth sharing. You and Linda had wonderful stories to share about your childhood.”

  “What are you saying? I’m sure you do too.” Ruth crossed her arms over her big apron.

  Carolyn paused and touched her temple while mentally debating if she should tell Ruth her biggest secret, the secret that could change their friendship forever. Will Ruth still look at me the same way once she knows the truth about Benjamin?

  Ruth frowned. “I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. It’s not my place to pressure you into telling me something that’s not any of my business.” She moved past Carolyn. “I need to get back out there to clean the meeting rooms.”

  “Wait.” Carolyn tugged at Ruth’s sleeve. “I’ll tell you.”

  Ruth gave her a sad smile. “You don’t have to. I was wrong to pressure you.”

  “No, it’s okay. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time.” Carolyn paused and drew in a breath, while praying the news she was about to share didn’t change her close friendship with Ruth. “I have a son.”

  Ruth’s eyes rounded with surprise. “Did I hear you correctly? Did you say you have a son?”

  Carolyn nodded. “Benjamin isn’t my younger bruder. He’s my son.”

  Ruth gasped. “I had no idea.”

  “I know.” Carolyn ran her fingers over the counter while she spoke. “I was young, and I thought I was in love. My boyfriend pressured me, saying he loved me and if I loved him too, well . . .” Her voice trailed off. “I was only sixteen when I had Benjamin.”

  “Oh, Carolyn. I had no idea.” Ruth touched Carolyn’s shoulder. “It must’ve been so difficult for you and your family.”

  “It was. I never got used to the stares and whispers.” Carolyn shook her head as she thought about her former boyfriend. “My boyfriend wasn’t there when Benjamin was born. He doesn’t know he has a son. He left the community.”

  “Where did he go?”

  “He had talked about going to a former Amish community in Missouri. He wanted me to go with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave my community.” Carolyn shrugged. “He didn’t even have the courage to tell me to my face that he was leaving. He left a note for me with one of the other boys who worked with us. All it said was, ‘I can’t stay here. I wanted you to go with me. I hope you understand that I need to go now.’ How was I supposed to understand why he left? But I’m just thankful that God gave me the courage to face the consequences. I’ve always tried to be the best mamm I could without a husband to support me.”

  Ruth’s expression was filled with sympathy. “I can’t imagine how difficult it was to become a mutter at such a young age.”

  “It w
as terrible. Some days I would just hide in my room and cry until mei mamm forced me to come out. I missed out on so much of the fun of being young. I couldn’t go to singings, and I never dated after that.”

  “You’ve never dated?”

  “Not since I was sixteen.” Carolyn smoothed her hands over her apron while she thought about her youth. “Mei mamm told me I could go to singings, but mei dat made me feel guilty about it. He constantly reminded me how hard mei mamm worked at home and how unfair it was for me to go out with mei freinden while mei mamm looked after the kind that was born after my terrible sin.”

  Ruth sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

  Carolyn smiled. “You don’t have to be sorry. I love my son. He wasn’t planned, and being his mamm hasn’t been easy. But I love him with all my heart. I want to shield him from the shame I’ve had to bear all my life.”

  “Is that why you never told me?” Ruth leaned back against the table in the middle of the room. “Were you afraid I would judge you?”

  “No.” Carolyn frowned. “I don’t know. How can you not judge me? I don’t want our friendship to change.”

  “Our friendship won’t change, Carolyn. You’ll always be mei freind. We all make mistakes. We’re all human. None of us are perfect in God’s sight.”

  “I know, but people still treat me differently. Mei dat treats Benjamin like he’s his own kind, and people who don’t really know us think Ben is my nephew. But mei dat treats me differently. It’s as if he’ll never go back to seeing me as his dochder. I know he’s forgiven me, but I wonder if he’ll ever act like he’s truly forgiven me.”

  She shook her head as her thoughts turned to her brother. “And then there’s Amos. He reminds me constantly of the mistake I made and the sacrifices my parents have made to raise Ben like their own. He’s pressuring me to get married so that my son is legitimized and has a full-time dat. I guess Amos thinks I need to move out so that my parents can enjoy their golden years together, alone. I pray constantly that Amos will forgive me.”