A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  She had not dated since Benjamin was born, and she’d gotten used to being alone. Benjamin was all she needed for years, and she also couldn’t relate to the young people who were her age in the community since her life experiences had been so different from theirs. Yet now she found herself staring at this near stranger and wondering what it would be like to get to know him better.

  She shook her head, attempting to erase the crazy notion of dating a man like Joshua Glick. Yet the thoughts haunted her as she guided the horse toward the main roads and the market. No matter how hard she tried to suppress it, Joshua’s smile floated in the back of her mind like a gentle whisper from a dear friend.

  Joshua watched Carolyn climb into the buggy and then guide the horse toward the road. Soon the buggy disappeared down the rock driveway, but her image lingered in his mind. Carolyn was the most complicated woman he’d ever met. She’d argued with him on Monday after Benjamin’s first day at work, but today she’d visited him as if the argument had never happened. She seemed stubborn but also elegant as she complimented his farm. She was as intricate and mysterious as the morning sunrise.

  Although Carolyn and Lena were close in age, he was struck by the stark differences between the two women. Lena was attractive, but Carolyn had something mysterious in her deep brown eyes, which were an intriguing complement to her blonde hair peeking out from beneath her prayer covering. Both women were unmarried, but Carolyn seemed more mature and wise beyond her years. He easily fell into a conversation with Carolyn and didn’t have to strain to come up with topics of conversation, like he had with Lena.

  He contemplated their conversation and wondered why he had begun to open up to Carolyn about his deep attachment to the farm and all he’d lost when Gideon died and Hannah left. He’d never wanted to tell anyone how he felt about his life before. What was it about Carolyn Lapp that brought his deep emotions to the surface? He shook the question off and glanced toward the stable while wondering how Daniel and Benjamin were doing.

  But as Joshua walked to the stables, questions pinged through his mind. He pondered why a beautiful, intelligent, mature young woman like Carolyn wasn’t married. She’d confessed to him that she wanted a family and a farm, so why hadn’t she found someone and made that dream come true?

  He stepped into the stable and heard Daniel and Benjamin talking and laughing near the back. Benjamin seemed to fit in at his farm, and Joshua needed the help with all the work. He wondered if Benjamin would consider staying on as a helper when the summer season began. He decided to keep that idea in the back of his mind and see how the next couple of months went.

  Joshua grabbed a shovel and stepped into a stall, where he began to dig. His mind wandered back to questions about Carolyn. She intrigued him, but he knew he couldn’t consider dating her. He was too busy. He didn’t have time to get involved with a woman, no matter how attractive and interesting she was.

  And besides, when he had fallen in love before, he got hurt. It was safer if he stayed alone, and at this point as his fortieth birthday loomed in the next couple of years, he believed that he was supposed to be alone.

  Hannah stared out the window from the passenger seat of Trey’s BMW on Saturday morning as the car moved through the familiar streets she’d known when she was married to Gideon. She felt like a different person as she glanced down at her denim jumper and her clogs. Although she wore her long red hair in a bun, her prayer covering was gone, and a plain gold band decorated her once-naked ring finger. She looked over at her husband, and he smiled at her.

  “Are you okay?” His voice was warm and smooth.

  “Ya, I’ll be okay.” She looked back out the window as the street leading to her former in-laws’ farm came into view.

  “I can’t wait to see Lily,” Andrew announced from the backseat.

  Amanda leaned between the front seats. “What time are you picking us up, Trey?”

  “You name the time,” Trey said while steering into the long rock driveway.

  “How about two o’clock?” Amanda asked. “I have to study for that biology exam this weekend.”

  Hannah could hear the worry in her daughter’s voice. “You’ll do fine, mei liewe. You’ve gotten straight A’s so far in biology, so why are you worried?”

  Amanda sighed. “Thanks, Mamm. I’m just worried I’m not cut out for college.”

  Hannah faced her daughter and took her hands. “You will do fantastic. Stop doubting yourself.”

  “Thanks.” Amanda gave Hannah a quick hug by leaning between the front seats. “I’ll see you later.” She pushed the car door open and headed toward her waiting twin sister.

  “Bye, Mamm! Bye, Trey!” Andrew yelled before leaping from the car and running up the driveway behind Amanda.

  Hannah looked through the windshield toward where Lily was hugging Amanda by the bottom step of the porch leading into Barbie’s mudroom. Then as Andrew hugged Lily, a knot formed in Hannah’s chest.

  Hannah stared at Lily and tears filled her eyes while the twins talked. Although Hannah was happy in her new marriage and in her new life running the Heart of Paradise Bed-and-Breakfast with Trey, she missed having all three of her children together. Being separated from Lillian left a gaping hole in her heart.

  Trey touched Hannah’s arm. “Go talk to her.”

  “The last time I tried to talk to her, she slammed the door in my face.” Hannah’s voice was thick with her heartache. “I don’t think I can stand more of that rejection. It’s difficult enough not seeing her every day. Facing the hate she has for me is even more painful than missing her.”

  “She doesn’t hate you, Hannah.” Trey cupped his hand over hers. “You’ll always be her mother, and she’ll always love you. You can’t give up on her. She wants you to reach out to her. Eventually, she’ll forgive you.”

  “I don’t think I can do it.” Hannah cleared her throat. “I just can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. Just go, Hannah. Try to talk to her.” He nodded toward the windshield. “Take as long as you need. I’ll wait here for you.”

  Hannah took a deep breath and pushed the door open. Lily met her gaze and then looked quickly back at her siblings. Hannah’s heart thumped in her chest as she made her way toward her children.

  Lily looked over at Hannah again and then pointed toward the back door. “You can go inside. Mammi made kichlin for you.”

  “Which kind?” Andrew asked.

  “Oatmeal raisin.” Lily grinned. “Your favorite.”

  “Awesome!” Andrew pumped his arm before racing up the porch steps and disappearing into the house.

  Hannah studied her twins as they stood together with their stark differences never more pronounced. Although they were fraternal with different hair and eye color, they looked even less alike now as Lily wore her prayer covering, plain dress, and bib apron. Amanda had quickly adapted to college life, choosing jeans, blouses, and sweaters more often than skirts and dresses. Her blonde hair hung in a braid that nearly reached her behind since she still refused to cut it. She wore a tiny bit of make-up that Hannah could only see if she examined her face, which made Hannah happy. Although Hannah wanted her daughter to make her own choices, she took comfort seeing Amanda ease into this new life with grace. She no longer dressed Amish, but she still looked like a respectful young lady.

  Amanda’s expression was hesitant, and Hannah assumed her daughter wanted to be sure Hannah and Lillian were going to be civil toward each other before she went inside. Amanda had assumed the role of peacekeeper since they left the community. She was the one who asked Lily to calm down when she got upset with Hannah.

  “Lily,” Hannah began, her voice still thick. “It’s gut to see you. I’ve missed you.”

  Lily lifted her chin in defiance. “That didn’t stop you from leaving me behind.”

  “Lily,” Amanda said. “Just give Mamm a chance. She’s really missed you. You haven’t seen what I have. She cries about you nearly every night. She still loves you even though
she isn’t Amish anymore.”

  “I think you should stay out of this.” Lily’s words were more determined than unkind. “This is between Mamm and me.”

  Amanda turned to Hannah, who nodded as if to tell her it was okay to leave. “I’ll leave you two alone to talk. See you later, Mamm.” She hurried up the porch steps and disappeared into Barbie’s house.

  “Lily, I have missed you. I will always miss you.” Hannah reached for Lily’s hand, but Lily quickly took a step back. “How are you?”

  Lily shrugged. “I’m fine. I’ve adjusted to living here. Mammi and Daadi are gut to me.”

  “I’m so glad to hear it.” She was so thankful that Lily finally talked to her. This was the first almost-civil conversation they’d shared since last year. Relief consumed Hannah, and she found the confidence to push on and try to keep her talking. “How’s teaching?”

  “It’s gut. I love it.” Lily crossed her arms over her chest as her eyes scanned Hannah. “I can’t believe you’re wearing a ring. The Amish never wear jewelry. And you’ve taken off your kapp. You’ve completely forgotten where you came from. You’ve thrown away all the traditions that mean so much to us.”

  Tears stung Hannah’s eyes. “That’s not true. I still dress plainly. I could never forget all our beliefs.”

  “It seems as if your choice to throw away our traditions has rubbed off on Amanda and Andrew.” Lily gestured toward the house. “They’re both dressing English. Andrew is in jeans and his hair is cut short. And Amanda’s hair isn’t covered, and she wears jeans and make-up. I can’t imagine what Mammi is going to say. How would Dat feel about this? I guess they’re influenced by you.”

  “I’m not influencing them.” Hannah tried to keep her tone even, despite feeling offended by Lily’s comments. “I’m letting them make their own choices. I want them to be comfortable in our new life. This is a new start for all of us. Amanda is froh going to college. She wants to fit in. She doesn’t want people staring at her or treating her differently. I have to allow her to do what she feels is right, and she’s still dressing modestly. Andrew loves school. He wants to look like his new friends.”

  “He should be going to my school.” Lily spat out the words as she glared at Hannah. “He shouldn’t be in an English school. He should be in this Amish community.” She pointed toward the ground. “That’s what Dat wanted for us. Have you forgotten about Dat completely since you have a new husband?”

  “No, I haven’t forgotten your dat. How could I forget the first man I ever loved and the father of my kinner?” Hannah took a deep breath and tried to hold back her tears. “I’m the one who decides what’s best for Andrew. Right now, he belongs with me, Lillian.” She pointed to her chest. “He’s my son, not yours. I know what’s best for him.”

  “Bad things happen in the English schools, and he’ll be influenced by kinner who don’t behave and don’t believe in God.”

  “Lily, if Andrew told me he wanted to come back to this community, I would let him. If he told me he wanted to go to your school, then I would send him there. Right now he’s happy living with me.” Hannah pointed toward the house. “When you get inside, ask him how he feels, and he’ll tell you that he loves his new school. Go ahead and ask him, and see what he tells you.”

  “I will ask him.” Lillian lifted her chin in defiance. “If he were in my school, I could protect him and remind him about God. He’s going to forget everything he learned from our church. He should be at the Amish church services too. He’s going to stop believing in Jesus.”

  “That’s not true.” Hannah shook her head as tears clouded her vision. “Trey and I take Andrew and Amanda to our church. They both believe in God. Their faith is just as strong as it was when we were living in this community. They’re happy, Lily. Can’t you tell they’re happy? They are the same siblings they were when we were all living on the farm together. They love you and miss you, just like I do.”

  “No.” Lily sniffed and wiped her eyes. “They aren’t the same. Nothing is the same. You broke our family apart. You changed everything, and nothing will ever be the same. I know I’m supposed to forgive you, but I will never find a way to heal my broken heart.”

  “Lily.” Hannah took a step toward her. “I still love you. You have to believe me.”

  “No.” Lily shook her head as tears streaked her pink cheeks. “I don’t believe anything you say to me, and I never will. You need to leave now.” She climbed the steps toward the back door.

  “Lily!” Hannah called after her daughter. “Lillian, please talk to me! Give me a chance to make things right between us. I love you, Lillian!”

  Lily entered the house, shutting the door behind her. Hannah stood as if her feet were cemented in place and stared at the door for several minutes, praying that Lillian would come back and talk to her. She needed to finish the conversation with her daughter.

  When the door remained closed, Hannah finally walked back to the car while tears trickled down her cheeks. She choked back a sob as she climbed into the passenger seat and closed the door.

  “Hannah.” Trey pulled her into his arms. “I’m so sorry.”

  Hannah rested her cheek on Trey’s shoulder as the tears flowed.

  “Just give her time.” He whispered the words into her ear while stroking her back. “She’ll come around. Have faith, Hannah.”

  “I don’t know.” Hannah sniffed and willed herself to calm down. “I don’t see how she’ll ever forgive me.” She moved out of his embrace and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. “She’s still so angry. I can’t stand the hate in her eyes.”

  “I told you before that she doesn’t hate you. You’ll always be her mother. She could never hate you.” Trey wiped a stray tear away from her cheek with the tip of his finger. “She talked to you today for the first time. That means she’s making progress.”

  “It doesn’t feel like progress. It feels like a horrible nightmare that won’t end.”

  “No, it’s not a nightmare. It’s getting better. I watched Lily close the door in your face the last time we came over here.” He pointed toward the back door. “Today she was waiting outside for her siblings, and she stayed and talked to you. That’s progress.”

  Hannah finally nodded in agreement. “You’re right. This was the first time she talked to me.”

  “Just have faith, Hannah. I promise you that Lily will forgive you someday.”

  “I pray you’re right.” She sighed and touched his cheek.

  He suddenly frowned. “Do you regret marrying me? Was this more heartache and trouble than you ever anticipated?”

  “No.” Hannah shook her head. “I’m thankful we found each other. I’m thankful God led you to me. I could never regret marrying you. I love you, Trey.”

  “I love you too.” Trey leaned over and kissed her.

  Hannah closed her eyes and prayed that someday her daughter would forgive her and repair the hole in her heart.

  SEVEN

  Amos invited us all to go over and play games tonight,” Carolyn’s mother said as she dried the last pot from supper.

  “He did?” Carolyn glanced over at Mamm while sweeping the floor. “Why would he do that? It’s been a long time since he’s invited us over for games on a Sunday night.” The words slipped from her lips before she could stop them.

  “Now, Carolyn.” Mamm placed her hand on her slight hip and faced her. “You know Amos means well. He’s just a little cranky sometimes.”

  “Cranky? I would say he’s more than cranky. Sometimes he’s downright mean to Ben.”

  Mamm sighed. “I know. I’ve seen it. I’ve asked your dat several times to speak to Amos. I was praying it would help.”

  “You have?” Carolyn was surprised since her mother rarely spoke out against her father or her brother.

  “I have. I just haven’t told you.” She smiled. “Just because I haven’t said anything to you about it doesn’t mean I haven’t noticed it and tried to fix it behind closed doors.”


  “Danki.” Carolyn smiled. “I’m thankful you did that for Ben.”

  “I promised you I would help raise him like he was my own, and I’ve done my best to do that.” Mamm turned back to the sink. “So, about game night. We’re all invited. We need to head over there soon.”

  Carolyn continued sweeping the floor. “I wonder what the special occasion is.”

  “Maybe the special occasion is that it’s been too long.” Mamm put the last pot away.

  “Maybe.” Carolyn swept up the pile of dirt into a dustpan and tossed it into the trash can. She appreciated her mother’s positive attitude toward her brother, but she had an overwhelming suspicion there was more to game night than playing games. Her brother hadn’t hosted a game night or attended one at their parents’ house in more than a year.

  After finishing up the kitchen, Carolyn and Mamm retrieved Benjamin and Dat from the barn and headed toward Amos’s large farmhouse at the front of the property.

  Carolyn spotted a buggy parked near the pasture and turned to her mother. “Is someone visiting?”

  Dat gestured toward the buggy. “Amos said his freind Saul was going to join us.”

  “Saul?” Carolyn swallowed a groan when she realized Saul was the widower Amos wanted her to meet. She stopped in her tracks and faced her mother. “I’m not going.”

  “You’re not going?” Mamm looked confused. “Why?”

  “Can’t you see?” Carolyn’s voice rose as anger surged through her. “Amos planned this so I can meet Saul.”

  Mamm continued to study Carolyn with confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  Carolyn turned to her father and Benjamin, who also looked confused. “You two go on. I’m going to talk to Mamm for a moment.”

  The men shrugged and then continued to the house.

  “Carolyn, why are you so upset?” Mamm asked while they stood by the pasture fence. “What’s wrong with playing games with Amos’s family and his freind?”