A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  “Amos hasn’t told you about Saul?”

  Mamm shook her head.

  “He’s a widower who has a dochder. Amos says I need to get married because Ben needs a stable dat, and I need to stop being a burden to you and Dat. He also said that I bring shame on the family and I need to be married off so the community forgets about my mistake and my teenage pregnancy.”

  “What?” Her mother’s eyes widened. “That’s gegisch. You’re not a burden, and you don’t bring shame on our family. Everyone has forgiven you for what happened, and Ben is growing into a nice young man. You can live here as long as you want. Besides, Ben has more fathers than he needs. Your dat and Amos are like father figures to him.”

  Carolyn shook her head. “You may think I don’t bring shame on the family, but Amos is ashamed of having me here. He wants to marry me off as soon as possible.”

  “You can get married when you feel the time is right. You don’t need Amos trying to help you find a husband.”

  “That’s exactly how I feel. I’m not going to marry someone just to get married. If I ever get married, it will be for love. I want a marriage like you and Dat have. I want a relationship with mutual respect.” Her voice rose as anger bubbled up inside her. “But even more than that I want love. I don’t need someone to support Ben and me. I work at the hotel, and I contribute to the family. I want a man who—”

  “Carolyn, stop.” Mamm put her hand up to silence her. “I know what you’re saying, and you’re right. You won’t be forced into a marriage you don’t want.” Her expression warmed. “We shouldn’t stand out here and debate this. It’s rude, and we’re going to make everyone suspicious. Let’s go in and play games with our family and Saul. It doesn’t hurt to meet him. You might actually like him. You never know if God put Saul in Amos’s life so that you could meet.”

  Carolyn raised an eyebrow with disbelief, and Mamm laughed.

  “You’re just as stubborn as your dat.” Mamm took Carolyn’s hand. “Let’s go play games and have fun. You work hard at the hotel. You need to have some fun too. Besides, you love playing games. Let’s go before we miss our chance to join in. You might actually enjoy yourself.”

  I doubt it. Carolyn frowned as they climbed the porch steps and entered Amos’s kitchen, where Rosemary sat at the table while talking with a girl who looked to be about ten. A few decks of Dutch Blitz cards sat in the middle of the table. Rosemary’s brothers sat at the other end of the table and frowned as if they were bored.

  Carolyn’s father and Amos stood on the other side of the kitchen and talked to a tall man with dark hair and a beard. Carolyn’s body tensed with uncertainty as she studied the man, who seemed to be in his midthirties. He stood close to six feet tall, and his expression was unreadable as he spoke.

  “Saul,” Amos said as he made a sweeping gesture toward Carolyn. “This is mei schweschder, Carolyn.”

  Saul nodded at her, and she immediately noticed that he had sad brown eyes.

  “Nice to meet you.” Carolyn hoped her smile seemed genuine despite her feeling awkward. He seemed to examine her as if she were a horse at auction.

  “Hello.” Sarah Ann brought a platter of homemade granola bars to the table. “Would you like a snack?” She pointed toward the counter. “Rosemary made some pretzels too.”

  Carolyn inhaled the aroma of the pretzels. “Rosemary, they smell appeditlich. Did you use your special recipe?”

  “Ya, I did. Danki.” Rosemary sat up a little taller. “I was just telling Emma about my recipe. She said she wants to try it.”

  “Hi, Emma. I’m Carolyn.” Carolyn nodded at Emma and then helped her mother bring cups of water to the table.

  Sarah Ann brought the platter of pretzels, along with plates and napkins, to the table and then clapped her hands. “I think we’re ready to start the game.”

  Carolyn and her mother sat across from Rosemary and Emma. Sarah Ann sank onto a bench beside Rosemary and began opening the decks of cards.

  The men, however, moved toward the back door. “Where are you going?” Sarah Ann eyed Amos with annoyance. “I thought you were going to play.”

  “We’re going to sit on the porch and talk.” Amos gestured toward the back door. “Saul doesn’t like to play games.”

  Carolyn glanced at Mamm, who responded with a warning expression. Carolyn enjoyed playing games with her family, and she wondered why Saul didn’t enjoy them. He seemed rather standoffish, which seemed odd to Carolyn since he was supposedly looking for a wife.

  Amos’s sons stood up and followed the men, who were all pulling on their winter coats.

  “We’ll join you,” David said.

  “Ya. Dutch Blitz is boring,” Robert chimed in.

  They filed out to the porch and then their muffled voices sounded beyond the kitchen walls.

  “Mei dat doesn’t like games.” Emma shrugged. “He told me that mei mamm did, but she died six years ago when I was only four.”

  “Ben and I like games, right, Ben?” Carolyn smiled at her son as he moved over next to her.

  “Ya, we do. We play them all the time with Mammi, Daadi, and Ro. I don’t feel like going outside with the men.” Ben grabbed a deck of cards.

  “Why don’t you young people and Carolyn play?” Sarah Ann suggested. “Mamm and I don’t need to.” Carolyn wondered if Sarah Ann thought she should get to know Emma better. Amos must have told her he hoped she would marry Saul.

  Ben shrugged. “We can all play.”

  “No, don’t be gegisch,” Sarah Ann said, waving off the comment. “Your mammi and I can go into the schtupp and look at some material we have for a new quilt we’re making.”

  “Ya.” Mamm stood. “We do need to get started on that quilt tomorrow if we’re going to have it ready for the store in time. More orders are coming in every day.”

  “I’d like to see your material too.” Carolyn stood. She wasn’t sure she wanted Sarah Ann and her mamm supporting Amos’s plans like this.

  “You’re not going to play?” Emma’s smile transformed into a frown as she looked at Carolyn. “If you leave, then we won’t have enough players.”

  Carolyn couldn’t stand to break the little girl’s heart. “Oh.”

  “You can play,” Sarah Ann said. “We can show you the material another day.”

  “Great!” Emma’s expression brightened. “We’ll have fun now.”

  Carolyn sank back into the seat. “Ya, we will.”

  Sarah Ann and Mamm headed toward the family room while Ben and Rosemary set up the game.

  Carolyn enjoyed two rounds of Dutch Blitz. She laughed and enjoyed the company of her niece, son, and new friend, Emma. She was bright and sweet, and Carolyn felt sorry that the young girl had lost her mother.

  Soon they were all yawning, and Carolyn cleaned up the snacks while the young people continued talking.

  The back door opened and Amos stuck his head into the kitchen. “Emma, your dat is ready to leave.”

  “I’m coming.” Emma stood and faced Carolyn. “I hope to see you soon.”

  “Ya, I hope so too.” Carolyn gave her a little wave.

  Emma said good-bye to Ben and Rosemary and then called good-bye into the family room where Sarah Ann and Carolyn’s mother were still talking about their plans for the week’s quilt making. Then, pulling on her cloak, Emma hurried out the back door.

  “She seems like a sweet girl,” Rosemary said while sweeping the kitchen.

  “Ya, she is nice. I’m certain she’s had a difficult time since she lost her mamm.” Carolyn tried to imagine being Emma’s stepmother. Although she liked the girl, the idea didn’t feel right. The idea of marrying Saul felt like wearing a shoe that was the wrong size.

  Mamm stepped into the kitchen. “Did you all have fun?”

  “Ya, we did,” Rosemary said while sweeping the pile of crumbs and dirt into the dustpan. “Emma is a gut player.”

  “That’s nice.” Mamm pushed the bench under the kitchen table and gathered up
the pile of napkins. “I guess it’s time to head home.”

  Benjamin and Carolyn said good night to Sarah Ann and Rosemary and then pulled on their coats before they followed Carolyn’s mother out the door to where her father and nephews stood on the porch.

  Carolyn glanced down toward the driveway and found Amos standing by Saul’s buggy. Soon the buggy began to rattle down the rock driveway, and everyone waved as it disappeared from view.

  “Gut nacht,” her parents said in unison as they started down the steps to go home. Dat immediately took Mamm’s hand in his, and they walked close to each other as they made their way to the house. Carolyn smiled while silently admiring her parents’ close relationship.

  Carolyn’s nephews rushed into the house with the door slamming behind them. Carolyn wondered if they were the reason Benjamin decided to stay inside and play the game with the women. She shook her head while thinking how ironic it was that Amos insisted Benjamin needed discipline when it was his sons who could use some lessons on how to behave and treat others with kindness.

  “Are you coming, Mamm?” Benjamin stood at the edge of the porch steps.

  “Ya.” She smiled at her son. “I was lost in thought.”

  “I can see that.” He tilted his head and his brown eyes glistened in the light shining out the kitchen windows. “Was iss letz?”

  “Nothing, danki.” Despite the cold evening, her heart warmed at the sight of his concern. She was so blessed to have such a wonderful son. Why couldn’t her brother see his kind heart? “Let’s go home. It’s getting late, and we both have work in the morning.”

  Carolyn fell into step with Benjamin as they started toward their house with their shoes crunching on the rock driveway.

  “Carolyn!” Amos called her name as he approached them walking toward the house. “I’d like to have a word with you.”

  Carolyn’s jaw clenched. She turned to Benjamin. “I’ll see you at the haus.”

  Benjamin nodded. “Gut nacht, Onkel Amos.”

  Amos nodded in return and then looked at Carolyn. “Saul said he wants to see you. He’s going to come visit you.”

  “Why would he want to come and see me?” she asked. “He didn’t even talk to me tonight.”

  “He said he was too self-conscious to talk to you in front of everyone. He’s a little shy in groups. He wants to come by and talk to you alone. Is that all right with you?”

  “I suppose it’s fine. I don’t have much of a choice.” She bit back an irritated sigh and considered the best approach for dealing with her overbearing brother. “Amos, I appreciate your concern about Ben and me, but this doesn’t feel right. I don’t need you to try to find someone to marry me. I can handle my own life and my son’s life without your help.”

  “Can you?” Amos shook his head. “I don’t think you realize how perfect Saul is for you. He’s a solid member of the community and he runs a successful business. He can take care of you and Benjamin. He needs a fraa for himself and a mutter for Emma. He also will accept Benjamin and your past without any questions.”

  Carolyn crossed her arms over her apron and lifted her chin in defiance. “I don’t think he’s right for me, and it’s my decision whom I marry. Mamm and Dat didn’t pick Sarah Ann for you.”

  “I didn’t have a kind before I was married either.” He rubbed his long beard. “You’re blessed to have found a man who will accept you and Benjamin, and you have me to thank for that. You never had the opportunity to date when you were younger because your hands were full. I don’t think you have the time to try to date the traditional ways. I think this is the best way for you to find a gut man.”

  Carolyn shook her head. “I told you I want to marry for love. I don’t love Saul. I don’t even know him.”

  “You need to get to know him. Give him a chance. He’s a gut man. He doesn’t live far from here at all. His farm is over in Paradise.”

  Carolyn’s mind immediately turned to Joshua when her brother said “Paradise.” She pushed any thoughts of him away. She really didn’t know him any better than she knew Saul.

  “Carolyn, just give him a chance.” Amos’s eyes pleaded with her, and she was surprised to see her brother almost humble while discussing this subject.

  “Fine.” She considered Benjamin and wondered if maybe this was a sign from God that she needed to find him a father. She then threw her hands up in surrender. “I’ll give him a chance.”

  “I’m froh to hear you say that.” Amos gestured toward the house. “I best get inside. Gut nacht.”

  She repeated the farewell and started toward her parents’ house while wondering what had possessed her to agree to see Saul. Why had she given in and let her brother push her around yet again? She was convinced deep in her heart that she could never love Saul, but she was conflicted about dating him. What if dating him was the right choice for Benjamin? What if Benjamin felt slighted because he never had a father in his life?

  And what if she was supposed to marry someone like Saul because God didn’t feel she deserved a marriage based on love? Maybe settling for a marriage of convenience was punishment for her past transgressions. The thought caused her chest to constrict.

  “Mamm?” Benjamin’s voice called through the darkness as she stepped onto the porch of their white clapboard house. “Is everything okay?”

  “Ben?” Her eyes adjusted to the dark, and she spotted his silhouette seated on the swing. “What are you doing out here?”

  “Waiting for you.” He tapped the seat beside him. “Sit with me for a minute.”

  Carolyn sank onto the swing and it gently moved back and forth. Her mind flittered through her favorite memories of Benjamin’s childhood. “Do you remember when we used to sit out here and watch thunderstorms when you were little?”

  “Ya. Of course I do.” He laughed a little. “Daadi would get so worried and tell us to come in before we got hit by lightning.”

  Carolyn chuckled as she hugged her cloak to her body. “I remember sitting on the porch and watching storms with mei daadi before he passed away. You would’ve loved him. He was so funny.” She stared toward the main house. “He would’ve loved you too.”

  “What did Onkel Amos say to you?” Benjamin’s tone was cautious as if he were afraid of getting into trouble for asking about adult things.

  Carolyn turned toward her son and internally debated telling him the truth.

  “It was about me, right?” His voice became unsure.

  “No.” Carolyn shook her head. “Well, in a way.”

  “What did I do now?” He sounded exhausted, as if this subject wore him out.

  “No, no, Ben. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Carolyn fingered the seam on her cloak while choosing her words. “Onkel Amos wants me to get married. He thinks it would be gut for you to have a dat.”

  “But I have Daadi.” He shrugged. “In my mind, he is my father. He’s the only father I’ve ever known, and that’s fine with me.”

  “I know that, and I’m thankful my parents have been here to help me. They’ve always been gut to you and me.” She paused, hoping to choose words that wouldn’t hurt Benjamin’s feelings. She didn’t want him to feel as if he were a burden to her or her family.

  “Wait a minute. Saul is a widower. Emma said her mamm died six years ago.” Benjamin sat up straight as if an idea flashed through his mind like lightning. “Is that why Onkel Amos invited Saul over tonight? Is he trying to find someone to marry you and be my stepfather?”

  Carolyn couldn’t lie to her son. “Ya.” She whispered the word.

  “And he thinks Saul would be a gut husband for you and father for me?” he asked.

  “Ya, that’s right.”

  “Do you like Saul?”

  “I don’t even know him.” Carolyn shook her head. “I don’t know how I can make that decision without getting to know him.”

  “Are you going to date him?”

  Carolyn nodded. “I told Amos I would give Saul a chance and try to get
to know him.”

  “Is that what you want to do?”

  Carolyn sighed and stared back toward her brother’s house. “I don’t know what I want to do.” She turned toward Benjamin. “Do you want me to get married?”

  Benjamin shrugged. “I want you to do whatever makes you froh.”

  “Does that mean you’re satisfied with your life?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? I have everything I could ever need, and I know you love me. That’s all anyone ever needs, right?”

  “Ya, that’s true, but you never had a regular family like everyone else.”

  “That doesn’t matter to me, Mamm.” Benjamin rested his ankle on his knee.

  “You don’t think living here is hard? You’ve never had an easy time with the way your uncle and cousins treat you.”

  “I’m used to it.” He was silent for a minute. “Do you ever feel like you missed out on having a normal life because of me?”

  “What do you mean?” Carolyn studied her son and wondered where his thoughts were going.

  “You could never go to singings.”

  “It’s okay. I wanted to be with you.”

  “Did you ever date after I was born?”

  Carolyn shook her head.

  “So I ruined your life.” His voice was small and unsure again.

  “No, no! Don’t you ever say that. You’re the biggest blessing in my life, Benjamin. God gave you to me for a reason. You’re my angel.” She touched his arm. “I never considered you a mistake, so don’t you ever think you are one. Do you understand?” She emphasized the words.

  “Ya.” He nodded. “Does that mean you never wished you were married?”

  Carolyn contemplated the question. “Ya, I would like to be married, but if it’s not in God’s plan for me, then I will be satisfied. I have something some women never have, and that’s a son like you. Some women never get the opportunity to have kinner.”

  “That’s true.” He was silent for a moment, as if he were contemplating something. “I don’t think you should rush into marriage with anyone. It’s for life, so you can’t change your mind after the wedding.”