A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  “Carolyn, you need to calm down. You can have everything you’ve dreamt of. You’re not too old to find love. You can’t let one mistake color your whole life. Ben wasn’t planned, but he’s a wunderbaar bu. He’s kind and thoughtful.” Mamm took Carolyn’s hands in hers again. “We’ve all forgiven you and embraced Ben. Now you need to forgive yourself.”

  Carolyn took another napkin and wiped her eyes. “Okay. I’ll try.” She paused while remembering the conversation with Barbie. “That’s not all Barbie said. When she warned me to stay away from Josh, she also said that the woman he’s getting to know is Lena Esh and he may date her. I couldn’t help feeling jealous, but I also get the feeling that Josh likes me more than Lena. He didn’t seem to want to talk to Lena today, but he talked to me and joked with me for a few minutes when he was getting his lunch.”

  “You should trust your instincts. And don’t let Barbie Glick get to you. Josh is a grown man, and I doubt Barbie is able to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If you feel that Josh might like you, then see where your friendship may lead.” She then frowned. “Saul is also a good man, and you need to be honest with him. You can’t keep him hanging on if you’re not sure.”

  “Okay.” Carolyn yawned and then stood. “I have a lot to think about. I’m going to go pray about it.”

  “That’s a gut idea.” Her mother picked up the lantern and then looped an arm around Carolyn’s shoulder. “Ich liebe dich.”

  “I love you too, Mamm. Danki.” Carolyn made her way to her room, where she prayed for guidance and strength until she fell asleep.

  Joshua made eggs, hash browns, and bacon for breakfast while he watched the sun rise out the kitchen window. He yawned and cupped his hand to his mouth. He’d spent a good portion of the night lying awake in bed and thinking about Carolyn. He had enjoyed their brief encounter yesterday at the barn raising. In fact, he had hoped to see her again, but the opportunity never presented itself. She was already gone when he finished helping frame the barn. He’d gone looking for her, and Ben told him that his family had already packed up and left. Joshua had longed to at least tell her good-bye, but he missed his chance to see her once more before the end of the day.

  Joshua piled the delicious-smelling breakfast food on his plate, and his stomach growled. He slowly ate while contemplating the barn raising. He was irked when his mother brought Lena over to see him and forced him into a discussion with her. The conversation was awkward at best. He couldn’t help but think that he enjoyed a more riveting conversation with the tabby cat that meowed incessantly whenever he went into the barn. Lena only wanted to discuss recipes, which didn’t interest him at all. The only recipes he cared about were the ones he could whip up quickly himself.

  When he spotted Carolyn handing out drinks, he rushed through the line, and his pulse sped up when he finally stood beside her. When he asked her if she’d splash him with the water, he prayed his attempt at humor wouldn’t fall flat. He was pleasantly surprised when she responded with a witty quip in return. He was mesmerized by both her looks and her sense of humor. He wondered why his mother couldn’t see how appealing Carolyn was.

  Joshua sighed as he scooped more potatoes into his mouth. He knew why his mother preferred Lena. It was because she was soft-spoken and compliant, the opposite of Hannah. Yet Joshua had always admired Hannah’s spark. Although Carolyn shared a similar spark, she had something more—a contagious sense of humor that kept him both laughing and guessing. He never knew what she would say next, and he enjoyed the spontaneity of their conversations. She talked about more than recipes, and she seemed to really listen to him. Carolyn seemed to be his perfect match, and his mother needed to accept that.

  Joshua had to find a way to get his mother to stay out of his life without alienating her. He knew she was hurting after losing Gideon and the grandkinner, but it wasn’t her place to choose the woman he would date and possibly marry.

  He froze in his seat when he realized what he’d just been contemplating—dating and possibly getting married. For years he thought he was too busy working on the farm to date, but now he was considering getting to know a woman for whom he truly cared. The idea of getting married astounded him. For the last year, he never believed he would get married because he didn’t think he’d ever love anyone the way he loved Hannah. He was surprised to find these feelings for Carolyn seemed stronger than anything he’d ever felt for Hannah. Were his feelings for Hannah real or were they more like an infatuation? She’d never reciprocated the feelings he had for her. Perhaps that meant they never were anything more than a crush. True love was reciprocated, and he had the overwhelming feeling that Carolyn cared about him as much as he cared about her.

  Joshua let those ideas roll around in his mind while he finished his breakfast. After washing the dishes and placing them in the drain board, he poured himself another cup of coffee and stared out the window, considering what it would be like to have a family. He believed that his big old house would feel warm and comfortable if he weren’t in it alone. As much as he loved the farm, it was lonely when Benjamin and Daniel weren’t there. Sharing the house and farm with a woman whom he loved would be the answer to a prayer he’d suppressed for years. It would make his house a real home.

  Joshua finished the coffee and then washed the mug. He suddenly noticed that he was cleaning up after himself, something he didn’t do every day. Instead, he normally let the utensils, plates, and cups pile up and took care of them when the cabinets were bare. He knew why he was cleaning up; it was in case Carolyn came by for a visit. He didn’t want her to think he was a lazy pig who ignored his housework and expected his mother to handle all the indoor chores for him.

  He glanced at the calendar on the wall and wondered what Carolyn was doing. Since it was Friday, she would be working at the hotel. The idea of Carolyn working in the same place that had inspired Hannah to leave the church caused his stomach to roil. He couldn’t imagine losing Carolyn the same way he lost Hannah. The idea of another heartbreak scared him. Maybe he should simply repress the feelings he had for her, let go of the crazy notion that Carolyn would date him. Even if she did, he’d run the risk of losing her to the English world because of her working in that hotel.

  He longed to stop her from working there. He wondered how he could convince her that keeping her job at the hotel wasn’t a good idea. Joshua pushed that idea aside and started toward the door. It was none of his business if she decided to work in the Lancaster Grand Hotel. After all, he couldn’t act as if he owned Carolyn. They weren’t even dating.

  As he stepped out onto the porch, he wondered what it would be like to call Carolyn his girlfriend. However, when it came to dating, he didn’t even know where to begin. He needed to ask God to guide his relationship with Carolyn and send him a sign, letting him know if he was on the right road.

  Carolyn waved to Madeleine as she pushed her housekeeping cart toward the supply closet at the hotel. “Good morning. How are you?”

  Madeleine smiled. “I’m doing well. Are you heading to lunch?”

  “Ya.” Carolyn stowed the cart in the closet. “I’m actually ahead of schedule today.”

  “That’s great.” Madeleine walked beside her as they headed toward the break room.

  “I didn’t think I’d have much energy because I didn’t sleep well last night.” Carolyn shrugged. “I guess I found my second wind.”

  “Why did you have trouble sleeping?” Madeleine looked concerned.

  Carolyn paused. She didn’t know Madeleine well enough to share something so personal. Instead, she simply smiled. “I just had one of those nights when my mind was working overtime.”

  “Oh.” Madeleine nodded. “I’ve had nights like that too.”

  Carolyn followed Madeleine into the break room, where Ruth and Linda were already unpacking their lunches. “Hello. How’s your day going?” She fetched her lunch from the refrigerator.

  “It’s going well,” Ruth said between bites.


  “Mine is the same. The usual.” Linda lifted her cup of water.

  Carolyn sat beside Madeleine and bowed her head in silent prayer before unpacking her sandwich.

  “You seem rather chipper, Carolyn.” Ruth studied her.

  Carolyn shrugged. “I’m just full of energy today. I spent a little extra time on my prayers last night, and I feel better about some things today.”

  “Oh.” Linda nodded slowly. “I understand. I’ve experienced that too. Sometimes things are stressful at home, and I feel better after I discuss it all with God. I always feel better after I give my stress to him. He can always calm the rough seas in my heart.”

  Madeleine cut up an apple. “I’ve felt that too. I’ve faced some hard times in my life. Now I feel as if I’m at a crossroads, and I need to make a change for the better. I’m certain that God is leading me here. I’ve been lost spiritually for a long time, and coming here has given me the comfort I need. I think being in an Amish community is helping me handle some of my problems.”

  “Being Amish doesn’t solve all your problems.” Linda frowned. “I’m Amish, and I still have problems and challenges in my life.”

  “That’s true. We’ve all had hard times.” Ruth lifted her sandwich. “But being Amish gives you a support system. Our community is there for us when we need them.”

  “Ya, that’s true.” Carolyn pulled a roll out of her lunch bag. “I attended a barn raising yesterday for a family that lives outside of my church district. There were families from different church districts from across Lancaster County who came to help.”

  “But we still have problems.” Linda’s voice was soft. “The community can’t solve everything.”

  Carolyn sighed. “That’s true, but we have our deep faith, which gets us through the rough times.”

  “Faith is definitely a huge part of our community,” Ruth said.

  “I know that, and I think that’s one reason I’ve always felt I belonged here.” Madeleine sipped her cup of water. “I loved visiting my grandparents as a child, and I never wanted to leave. My grandmother used to tell me stories about growing up Amish and going to the one-room schoolhouse. I loved how she made her own clothes and used a wringer washer instead of the regular one we had in our house. The house is surrounded by Amish families.”

  “Where do you live?” Carolyn asked as she ripped apart her roll.

  “In Paradise.” Madeleine shared the street name. “My property backs up to an Amish farm. There’s a sign that says Beiler’s Cabinets by my driveway.”

  “Beiler’s Cabinets?” Carolyn asked with surprise. “That’s Saul Beiler’s house. I’m friends with him and his daughter.”

  “You know my neighbor?” Madeleine looked surprised. “It’s a small world.”

  Carolyn nodded with surprise. “Ya, that’s very true.” She bit into her roll.

  Madeleine drank more water. “I always wondered what it would be like to live like an Amish person.”

  “Being Amish is about more than wringer washers and making our own clothes,” Ruth said gently. “Some Englishers think it’s easy to become Amish, but you have to make some big changes in your life.”

  Carolyn laughed. “That’s right. You’ll have to find a wringer washer and learn how to use it. Did you ever help your mammi with the wash?”

  “I did.” Madeleine smiled. “She taught me how to use the wringer washer and how to sew and quilt. We had a wonderful time. I guess I should say a wunderbaar time.”

  “Did you ever go to church with her?” Ruth asked.

  Madeleine nodded. “Yes, I did. I couldn’t understand much of it, but I was fascinated by the bishop and the minister while they spoke. I miss those times with my grandmother so much.”

  Carolyn nodded. “I understand how you feel. I miss my daadi all the time.”

  Madeleine began sharing more stories about the summers she’d spent at her grandparents’ house, and Carolyn smiled. She was thankful that she had good friends to take her mind away from all the emotions that had haunted her throughout the night.

  Sunday afternoon Carolyn carried a coffeepot toward the barn after the church service ended. Lunch was served in Amos’s largest barn, where the benches were converted into tables. Carolyn smiled and greeted the members of her church district while leaning over them and filling their cups.

  She looked back toward the entrance to the barn and spotted Rosemary helping Sarah Ann deliver platters covered with bowls of peanut butter spread. They talked and smiled as they approached the tables.

  Emma Beiler touched the sleeve of Carolyn’s purple dress. “Wie geht’s?”

  “Emma!” Carolyn smiled at her. “I was so froh to see you and your dat came to service with our district today.”

  “Amos invited mei dat and me. I was so excited that I would be able to see you and Rosemary.” Emma wore a pretty pink dress.

  “That’s nice that Amos invited you.” Carolyn nodded slowly while wondering if the invitation was a way to get Carolyn and Saul to see each other.

  Emma gestured toward the entrance to the barn. “I’ll go see if Rosemary needs more help bringing out the food.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you later.” Carolyn moved to the second long table and began filling more cups.

  Carolyn spotted Saul sitting with Amos, and her body tensed. When she reached him, she gave him a pleasant expression as she poured coffee into his cup. He responded with a broad smile. She again found herself wondering which man was the better choice for her—Joshua or Saul. She felt caught between what she wanted, which was true love, and what she felt was more practical, which was a man who was interested in her as a housewife and who would accept her even though he knew about her past.

  As she finished filling the rest of the coffee cups, Carolyn contemplated her choices once again. Which road was the best one for her and for her son?

  THIRTEEN

  Amanda sat on her grandmother’s porch with her twin, Lillian, while their brother, Andrew, worked in the barn with their grandfather the following Saturday afternoon. Amanda couldn’t stop thinking about how much her mother had cried when she last saw Lily at the grocery store. She had to find a way to bring up the subject gently without prompting Lily to turn on her as well. She was determined to bring peace between her mother and sister, and she prayed for the correct words to inspire her sister to finally forgive their mother.

  “So how’s school?” Amanda lifted her glass of iced tea. “Do you still like teaching?”

  “I do.” Lillian held her glass of iced tea in her lap. “The scholars are so smart. I love watching their eyes light up when they understand something new.”

  “You were born to teach. I’m so glad it’s going well for you.” Amanda leaned back in the swing and pushed her long braid behind her shoulder.

  “Don’t you miss your prayer covering?” Lillian studied her. “I can’t imagine being seen in public without keeping my head covered.”

  Amanda considered the question for a moment before responding. “At first it felt strange, but then I got used to it. I haven’t cut my hair, but I do wear it down sometimes.”

  “How’s school going for you?”

  “It’s good. I’ve been studying hard, and so far I’m getting really good grades.” Amanda smiled as she thought of Mike. “I went out on a date recently.”

  “You went on a date and didn’t tell me?” Lillian smacked her hand on the porch swing as she moved closer to Amanda. “I want details. Who is he?”

  “Do you remember Mike from the bookstore?” Amanda asked. Her sister nodded. “I ran into him at the gas station, and he asked me out. He didn’t recognize me at first because of my English clothes. He’s going to school too, and he still wants to be a doctor. He took me out to dinner and a movie. We had a really nice time.”

  “Wow. That’s exciting.” Lillian grinned. “I remember you talking about Mike last year. I’m glad you ran into him. Do you think you’ll go out again?”

  “I ho
pe so.” Amanda raised her eyebrows. “How’s Leroy?”

  “He’s gut. I see him at youth gatherings.” Lillian set down her iced tea and looked down as she swiped her hands over her apron. Amanda knew her sister was avoiding eye contact with her.

  “I miss you.” Amanda said the words that seemed to hang unspoken between them. “My room is too quiet without you there snoring in my ear.” She tried to make a joke, but it fell flat.

  Instead of smiling, Lillian responded by sniffing as tears stung her eyes. “I know what you mean, and I miss you terribly. Zwillingbopplin shouldn’t be apart. I miss Andrew too. I love Mammi and Daadi, but it’s not the same without you and Andrew.”

  Amanda stared out toward the pasture while trying to choose her words wisely. She knew it was time to say something about Mamm, but she had to be careful with how she began the conversation. She didn’t want her sister to shut down and stop talking to her. “I wish you would come visit us. I think you’d like the bed-and-breakfast.”

  “You know I can’t do that.”

  “Why?” Amanda faced her sister. “What’s holding you back from seeing us?”

  Lillian glared at her. “You know the answer to that. I can’t give Mamm the impression I’m blessing her new marriage. She broke her vows to the church, and she left me alone. She shouldn’t have left the church for that man. It’s just plain wrong.”

  Amanda sat up straight and challenged her. “So you’re saying it’s your pride that’s holding you back from coming to visit us?”

  Lily gasped. “How dare you say that? Mamm abandoned me. You would feel the same way if you’d stayed.”

  “Lily, why do you forgive me, but you still can’t forgive Mamm?”

  Lillian stared at her for a moment. “Didn’t you hear what I said? She abandoned me.” She clearly enunciated the word.