A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  After the kitchen was cleaned up, Rosemary and Emma walked down the porch steps and headed toward the field to watch the men work on the barn.

  “I’m so glad you could come today.” Rosemary found a spot under a tree and sank down in the grass, folding her legs under her.

  “Ya, I’m froh I could come too.” Emma sat beside her. “I might be seeing you more often.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Mei dat likes your aenti Carolyn.” Emma picked a piece of fuzz off her apron. “I’m hoping that means they’ll be spending more time together, and we might be a family soon.”

  “Really?” Rosemary studied Emma with surprise. “I had no idea.”

  “Ya. Your parents, Carolyn, and Ben came over for supper last week, and we had a nice time.” Emma sat up straighter. “Mei dat helped me make Dutch ham loaf.”

  “I was sorry I had to miss supper that night. I was babysitting for a neighbor.” Rosemary licked her lips. “I love ham loaf.”

  “Maybe you can come for supper next time.”

  “That would be fun.” Rosemary thought about her aunt. “I had no idea Aenti Carolyn liked your dat.” She made a mental note to ask her aunt about that in private when she saw her again.

  “Ya,” she said. “I’m so froh. I would love to see mei dat marry someone nice so I can have a mamm again.”

  Rosemary nodded. “Ya, I bet you do. I hope that works out for you.”

  “Danki.” Emma looked toward the barn. “I love watching barn raisings.”

  Rosemary squinted in the sun and looked over toward where a handsome young man stood with Benjamin. She realized he was the same handsome young man she’d spotted at the horse auction. “I love barn raisings too.” She smiled.

  “What are you looking at?” Emma asked.

  Rosemary felt her cheeks heat. “Do you see that bu over there standing by Ben?”

  Emma tilted her head and gazed toward Benjamin. “The tall one with the dark hair and the blue shirt?”

  Rosemary nodded as her cheeks burned hotter. “Ya, that’s him.”

  Emma tilted her head in question. “Who is he?”

  “I don’t know who he is, but he looks familiar.” Rosemary studied him. He looked as if he were close to twenty, and she knew her father would never approve of her dating him.

  Suddenly, the young man and Benjamin began walking toward them. She swallowed a gasp and then brushed her hands down her apron, hoping she looked presentable.

  “He’s coming over here!” Emma’s voice was a little too loud.

  Rosemary resisted the temptation to put her hand over her young friend’s mouth and instead smiled as the boys approached. “Hi.” She sat up straight and smoothed her dress over her legs.

  “Hi.” The young man smiled at Rosemary and nodded at Emma before squatting in front of them.

  “Rosemary and Emma,” Benjamin began, “this is Daniel—Danny. He works at Joshua Glick’s farm with me.”

  “Hi,” Rosemary said. “I’ve heard a lot about you and the farm from Ben. He really likes working there. He was telling me about a mare that’s almost ready to give birth.”

  “Ya, that’s true.” Daniel ripped up a blade of grass. “Daisy hasn’t foaled just yet, but it looks like she may any day now.”

  Although Rosemary knew he was too old for her to date, she wanted to get to know him better. Maybe they could date when she turned eighteen. An idea popped into her head and she took a breath. “Do you ever go to youth group?” she asked.

  “Ya.” He nodded. “I try to go every so often. Why?”

  “You should come to mine sometime.”

  Daniel nodded slowly. “I might be able to do that. Is there one Sunday night?”

  “Ya. I think it’s at Eve Fisher’s haus. We’re going to play volleyball and sing. You should come.”

  “I think I will.” He smiled, and her smile widened in response.

  “Danny! Ben!” A young man yelled over to them. “We need you!”

  “I’ll see if I can come sometime.” Daniel stood and brushed off his trousers. “See you later.” He tapped Benjamin’s arm. “We’d better get back to work.”

  “Bye.” Rosemary watched them trot back to the group of men. “He’s so nice.”

  “Ya, he is nice,” Emma agreed.

  Rosemary watched in awe as Daniel and Ben climbed up to the roof of the barn. “I hope they’re careful up there.”

  Rosemary held her breath as she watched them work on the barn. She couldn’t wait until youth group Sunday night. She just hoped Daniel would be there.

  Rosemary climbed out of the buggy and then Emma waved to Carolyn and started toward her house. She felt as if she were walking on a cloud after her earlier conversation with Daniel. She longed to see him again.

  “Rosemary!” Her father’s voice boomed behind her. “I want to talk to you for a minute.”

  “Ya, Dat?” She walked toward him. His frown caused her to inwardly shudder.

  “I want to discuss how you behaved at the barn raising.”

  “What did I do?” She racked her brain, trying to remember anything she did that would have upset her father.

  “I saw you talking to that bu.” He shook a large finger at her. “You’re too young to be mingling with buwe. You can only talk to buwe when you’re at a chaperoned youth gathering.”

  Rosemary was speechless for a moment. “I don’t understand. When did I act inappropriately with a bu?”

  “You were sitting by a tree with Emma and that bu came over and talked to you.” Dat shook his head. “I could tell by your body language that you were flirting with him. You like this bu, don’t you?”

  Rosemary shook her head. “I don’t even know him. I met him for the first time today.”

  “Who is he?”

  “His name is Daniel King. He works for Joshua Glick, like Ben.”

  “He’s too old for you. Put any ideas about getting to know him out of your mind. Do you understand me?”

  Rosemary nodded. It was no use arguing with her father. “Ya, I do.”

  “Gut. Now go do your chores.”

  Rosemary hurried into the house while chagrin consumed her. She knew she couldn’t date Daniel King, but she wanted to be his friend. She held on to a shred of hope that maybe they could date when she was older.

  She headed into the bathroom to wash and found herself smiling in the mirror. Her father told her not to see Daniel, but she couldn’t stop him from going to the youth gathering Sunday night. After all, there would be a chaperone there, so they wouldn’t do anything inappropriate.

  Relief flooded Rosemary. She would still be able to see Daniel. Her father couldn’t stop the youth gathering Sunday night. Now she had to pray that Daniel would come.

  Sarah Ann changed into her nightgown and then brushed her waist-length dark brown hair as she stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom. Her feet ached from standing in Irma Bontrager’s kitchen most of the day, but she had enjoyed spending time with the women from her community as well as other communities while they helped the Bontragers rebuild the barn.

  Amos entered the room and closed the door. “My back hurts.” He sat on the edge of the bed.

  “Do you want me to rub your shoulders?” She looked back at him in the reflection from the mirror.

  “No, danki.” He pulled off his work boots and groaned.

  “The barn looked schee.” She smiled at her husband. “You and the other men did a gut job.”

  “The framing did turn out nice. We got a lot done in one day.” He began to unbutton his shirt. “I’m concerned about Rosemary.”

  “Why?” Sarah Ann faced him while still brushing her hair.

  “Her behavior at the barn raising upset me.”

  “What did she do?”

  “She was flirting with a bu.”

  “I never saw her flirting with a bu.” Sarah Ann was confused. “She was working in the kitchen most of the day.”

  “It was during th
e afternoon. She and Emma Beiler came outside and sat by a tree and a bu went over to visit with her.” Amos pulled off his shirt and frowned. “I was embarrassed by how she behaved with him. She was flirting with him in front of all the workers. I can’t imagine what those other men think of her now.”

  “Who was the bu?”

  “Daniel King. He works on Joshua Glick’s horse farm with Ben. We need to rein her in.” Amos continued to frown while he changed into his pajamas. “I’m concerned she’s going to wind up like mei schweschder.”

  Sarah Ann sat next to Amos on the edge of the bed. “I think you’re overreacting. You said Rosemary was only talking to the bu.”

  Amos’s frown deepened. “That’s how it all starts, Sarah Ann. Carolyn was only talking to the bu before she made her mistake.”

  “Rosemary is sixteen, and it’s only natural for her to start noticing buwe. She was in a public setting with a freind. Anyone who thinks badly of her would be making up something that simply isn’t true.” Sarah Ann rubbed his shoulder in hopes of relieving his worry about their daughter. “We have to trust Rosemary. She’s a smart maedel.”

  “My parents trusted Carolyn too.” He stood, picked up his dirty clothes, and pitched them into the hamper. “I’m going to keep an eye on her, and I want you to also.”

  “Amos, I really think she’ll be fine.” Sarah Ann turned down the quilt and sheet on her side of the bed. “The youth gatherings are chaperoned. We also make sure the youth members are in groups and are never given the opportunity to be alone. Nothing bad is going to happen to her, and she won’t do anything bad. She’s never given me a reason not to trust her, and I don’t believe she will now.”

  “It happens,” he groused. “Young people don’t think things through like we do. I’m concerned, and I will continue to be concerned until she’s married. I told her I’m going to be watching her, and I will make sure she behaves appropriately in the future. I don’t want her to embarrass me in public again.”

  Sarah Ann frowned and wondered how she could convince her husband not to worry. She knew, however, that Amos was stubborn and set in his ways no matter what she said.

  “I’m certain she’ll be fine. We didn’t do anything inappropriate before we were married, and I have faith that our dochder will make the same decisions.” Sarah Ann climbed into bed.

  “She’d better not be doing anything inappropriate.” Amos joined her on his side of the bed before snuffing out the lantern. “If she wound up like Carolyn, then I would send her away to my cousin in Indiana. I couldn’t imagine having her here along with Carolyn. That would be too much. I never understood why mei dat didn’t send Carolyn away. I have a feeling that mei mamm convinced him to let her stay.”

  Sarah Ann shook her head while wondering how her husband could be so cold. “I don’t condone what Carolyn did, but I understand why your mamm supported her. I can’t imagine sending my kind away. I would love mei kind no matter what happened.”

  Amos snorted. “You make it sound so easy.”

  “I didn’t say it was easy, Amos. I just said I would help her, like your mamm did.” She rolled onto her side, facing away from him. “I don’t know why we’re discussing this. Rosemary will be just fine. I have faith. Gut nacht.”

  Amos grumbled, and soon she heard him snoring.

  As she fell asleep, Sarah Ann prayed that God would guide Rosemary and also grant Amos faith in their only daughter.

  TWELVE

  Carolyn made her way from her bedroom to the kitchen, where she placed a half-full cup of warm milk in the sink. She was hoping the warm milk would help her sleep since she’d been lying awake, thinking about her troubling conversation with Barbie earlier in the day. The milk didn’t help, and she placed the lantern she’d been holding on the counter as she washed the cup while trying to think of a way to fall asleep. She considered looking for a novel to read.

  “Carolyn?” Mamm stood in the doorway. “I thought I heard you. What are you doing up? It’s the middle of the night.”

  “I can’t sleep.” Carolyn leaned against the sink.

  “Sit.” Mamm sat at the kitchen table. “Let’s talk.”

  Carolyn sank into a chair across from her, bent her arm on the table, and lowered her chin onto her palm. “I’ve been trying to fall asleep for hours, but I can’t turn off my thoughts. I was hoping the warm milk would help, but I’m still wide awake. I couldn’t even finish the mug.”

  “What’s bothering you?” Mamm reached out and took Carolyn’s free hand in hers. “What is it, mei liewe?”

  Carolyn blew out a sigh and felt tears forming. “Sometimes I get tired of feeling inferior to every other maedel in the community.”

  “What do you mean?” Mamm looked confused. “Why would you feel inferior?”

  “I’m thirty-one and not married, and I had a kind out of wedlock when I was sixteen. That mistake will haunt me for the rest of my life.” Carolyn sniffed and wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “I love my son with my whole heart, but sometimes the consequences of what I did are difficult to bear.”

  “Now wait a minute.” Mamm tapped her fingers on the table. “You were forgiven by God and the community. In fact, you didn’t even have to confess to the church because you made the mistake before you were baptized. Everything was washed clean with your baptism, so you have no reason to feel as if you’re still being punished for your mistake.”

  Carolyn shook her head. “It’s not that simple.”

  Her mother studied her. “What happened today?”

  Carolyn paused, wondering how she could admit to her mother that she agreed to see Saul but had feelings for Joshua. Saying it out loud would make her sound like a terrible person, and she was too embarrassed to admit the truth to her mother.

  “Does this have something to do with the conversation you had with Barbie Glick today? You looked upset when we were carrying in the empty plates. You promised you would tell me what she said, but we didn’t get a chance to talk when we got home.”

  Carolyn nodded. “Ya, this has everything to do with Barbie Glick. She asked me if I like her son, and she warned me to stay away from him.”

  Mamm’s eyes widened with shock. “Why would she say that?”

  Carolyn studied the tabletop. “She saw me talking to Josh. I told her we’re only freinden, but she acted like she didn’t believe me. She said Josh is seeing someone else and I need to stay away.”

  “And this bothers you.” Mamm filled in the blanks.

  Carolyn’s tears flowed as she looked up at her mother. “Ya, it does, because I do like him. I like him a lot.”

  “What about Saul?”

  “Saul is a gut man, and I do like him. But, at the same time, he’s also an easy solution to a much deeper problem. And the problem is facing my past. I don’t think Josh has realized that I’m Ben’s mamm. I think he assumes I’m his aenti and Amos is his dat.”

  “Carolyn,” Mamm began, leaning in and taking both of her hands. “Why haven’t you told Josh the truth?”

  “Because then he won’t like me. The only people who accept me are the ones who already know the truth. I’ve spent my whole adult life apologizing to people when they find out. I can’t imagine what Joshua would say if I told him now that we’ve already become freinden. It’s too late, and it will change everything.” Carolyn’s voice was thick as she fought the lump forming in her throat. She longed to temper her emotion, but she couldn’t fight it. She cared for Joshua and didn’t want to lose him.

  “Oh, mei liewe.” Mamm’s eyes glistened with tears, causing Carolyn’s tears to sprinkle down her hot cheeks. “You’re too hard on yourself. You’re already forgiven. In the book of 1 John, it says, ‘I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.’ You’re forgiven, Carolyn. Now you need to forgive yourself.”

  Carolyn shook her head. “It’s not that simple. I’ve spent the last fifteen years of my life dealing with accusing stares and whispers. Tha
t’s why I’ve never been able to date anyone.”

  “That’s not true.” Her mother tapped the table for emphasis. “I told you that you could go to the youth gatherings, but you refused to go. You could’ve gone and been with your freinden.”

  “I never would have felt right about leaving mei boppli with you. Ben was always my responsibility, and you’ve always worked hard to take care of our family.”

  Mamm sighed. “I’ve told you a thousand times that I consider Ben to be one of mine because he’s yours. Your youth is gone, but you can go to the singles’ group now and meet more people your age if you want to.” She paused. “But, again, what about Saul? Amos told me that you’re getting to know Saul better. Do you want to date him?”

  Carolyn nodded. “Ya, I do, but it’s for practical reasons. He’s a gut dat, and he can provide for Ben and me. He knows Ben is my kind, and he still would consider marrying me. He’d treat me well, but I don’t have feelings for him like I do for Josh.”

  “You’re not attracted to him.” Her mother completed the thought.

  “Exactly.”

  “Sometimes love and attraction can be a product of mutual respect and friendship,” her mother said.

  “I’ve heard that before, but I want a marriage like you and Dat built.” Carolyn gestured around the kitchen. “You love each other. I want to feel that exciting rush of new love. If I married Saul, it would only be so Emma has a mamm and Ben has a dat. Saul would want Ben to be his apprentice and work for him in his shop. Ben loves the horse farm. He doesn’t want to work in a cabinet shop.”

  Carolyn grabbed a napkin from the holder in the middle of the table and began to shred it as she spoke. “I don’t want a marriage because it is the practical thing to do. I want a marriage based on love. And I want to get to know Josh because I think I could fall in love with him. He’s handsome, funny, smart, and kind. He’s treated Ben with more respect in the past few weeks than Ben has ever gotten from Amos or his cousins. But now Barbie has told me to stay away from Joshua, and Saul wants me to date him. To make it even more difficult, I feel sorry for Emma. She desperately needs a mutter, and she seems to have latched onto me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused.” She buried her face in her hands as bewilderment stole over her.