by Ashley Jade
He punches a wall and Lillian gasps. “Fucking, bitch—how could she do that to me! We were all each other had, and she fucking left me!"
Shit, I know exactly how he feels. I walk over and guide him back over to the table.
I have to try and get him to see that letting his anger take over isn't the way to go. Even though, I can more than understand it.
I put a hand on his shoulder. “Look. I know you're angry. You have every right to be. I am too, and I'm scared for her. I'm really sorry I lied to you. I was just trying to protect you and not hurt you. I kept hoping that she would return, but she didn't.”
I swallow hard. “Please, try not to let this wreck you, Danny. She really did try to do what she thought was best for you, I swear it. She knew I would take care of you—and that I wanted to. She never wanted to hurt you. She loves you more than anything in the whole entire world.”
I close my eyes, silently hoping with every ounce of my being that he won’t end up hating his sister.
That would kill her...if the heroin didn't, of course.
His jaw hardens and he stands up. “I don't know, Jacob, it fucking hurts. I never thought this would happen to her.” His brows draw together. “My father did this to her?”
“Yeah. I mean, he got her hooked on it, but she's not ready to stop yet,” I reply solemnly.
His hands clench at his sides. “Thank god someone put a fucking bullet in his head then.” His voice drops to a whisper and agony splashes across his face. “I just wanna know...was it because I was a horrible brother or something? Was it because I got kidnapped and it hurt her that much?”
He chokes back a sob and Lillian completely loses it in the background. “Was it my fault? Why wasn't I enough? Why weren't you enough? Didn't she know how much we all loved her?"
His mile-a-minute questions are making my head spin. Fuck, this is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. It was starting to remind me of the time I had to tell Leah everything.
I meet his gaze and hold up a hand. “First, you were never, nor are you a horrible brother. Trust me. I; myself can attest to that. So get that thought right out of your head, right now.”
I swallow a gulp of air before I continue, “Yes, she was devastated that you got kidnapped—but not enough to turn her into a heroin addict. It was not your fault, so please stop thinking that way.” I give him a small shrug. “The other questions I can't answer, though—because I'm still wondering the answers to them myself. The only thing we can do now, is go on with our lives.”
I give his shoulder a squeeze. “I will always take care of you and you will always have me. We don't really do the mushy shit, and I know you hate it—but I really need you to know that I care about you, Danny. And it has nothing to do with some kind of obligation to your sister. We’re family.”
He straightens his shoulders and clears his throat. “I know, Jacob. I thank you for that.” His gaze flickers between me and Lillian. “I thank you and Lillian both for taking care of me—because my junkie sister couldn't. I know this might be wrong, but I'm so mad at her, I don't even know if I ever want to see her again. I mean, if she came back that is, which of course, she won’t because she’s a good-for-nothing heroin addict now.”
He looks at me, his expression serious. “But, if she ever did, I don't think I could take it, not right now. So, can you just have my back and make sure that doesn't happen? At least, not for awhile anyway. Not until I'm ready. I just can't have her in my life, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to ever again.”
The anger and pain in his eyes causes me to stop and pause for a moment. He’s never been the type to be so candid with his feelings before.
Not to mention, this kid has never once asked me for a single thing, other than attending his baseball games since I met him.
There’s no way that I’m not going to respect him or his feelings. There’s no way that I’m not going to protect him with everything I’ve got.
“Yeah, Danny. Trust me, I understand your feelings. I'll protect you, I promise,” I say, and I mean that shit with my entire fucking heart.
But, I know she’s never coming back. And even if she did—I don't think I'd ever be able to have her back in my life either.
In fact, I know I wouldn't. The pain she caused me, scarred me. More than scarred, it maimed and mutilated my soul.
I was going to ask her to fucking marry me.
That's what the fine print on the new contract said—the one that she hastily signed in a rush before she walked out on me forever.
That contract said that she owned me now. That's what I was having her sign. I wanted her to know that we would own each other, forever.
Hell, I ever bought her a fucking ring.
With a nod, Danny walks upstairs to his bedroom and I put my head in my hands.
How is it possible to love and hate a person with so much vehemence and passion at the same damn time?
Chapter 34 (Leah)
Jamie grabs my hand and leads me through the woods. “Come on, Leah...let's go see the stars.”
This is strange, I hadn't had a dream about Jamie since that time I asked her to leave me alone, forever.
“Jamie...is that you?”
She looks so different from any other time I’ve seen her. She doesn’t look like 12-year-old Jamie anymore.
The woman before me? Well, she’s stunning—flawless, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
She’s dressed in a white gown and wearing a wreath made of little white flowers on her head that illuminate her golden hair. It’s the very same wreath I made for her actually, now that I really look at it.
But even more shocking than that? She looks like a grown-up.
I shake my head. No. That’s not quite right.
She looks more like a fallen angel.
“Yeah, it's me,” she says. “Haven't you figured out yet that you only see me when you really need me? When your life is at stake!”
She touches my cheek and I smile, until she utters her next statement. “I'll always be your best friend, Leah. So, I'll always look out for you.” She begins sobbing hysterically and it guts me. “But I don't have to anymore. Because we're going be together forever.”
Now, I was more than a little confused. “I don't understand. If we're going to be together forever, then why are you so sad about it? Isn't that a good thing?”
She throws herself on the ground, right over her spot in the woods. “No, Leah. It's not. Because the only way I can stay with you forever— is if you're dead.”
Am I dead? This can't be happening, not yet at least.
I just wanted to live without all the pain.
I didn't want to die…not exactly. But then again, I didn’t necessarily want to go on living, either.
I position myself next to her on the ground and reach for her hand. “Please tell me it’s not true. It's not that I don't love you and miss you, so much. It's just—If I'm dead, that means I won't ever get to see Danny again, or Lillian, or Jacob.”
I sit up. “I need to be able to see them again. I love them all so much. What can I do to fix this?”
I fix my gaze on her. “There has to be a way to go back. I have to fix this, Jamie! This wasn't supposed to happen! I only wanted to make the pain stop!”
She continues to sob and pulls me into her arms. “You can't fix it. I told you. There is no coming back from this place. You don't want it enough, Leah.” She closes her eyes. ”I can't help you, I tried but you have to want to help yourself. You have to forgive yourself and love yourself enough to want it. You have to be willing to accept all the pain you have inside, without letting it take over your soul again.”
Her eyes pop open and she looks up. Her expression is full of sorrow, but I don’t miss the glimmer of hope that flashes in them. “Do you see the stars yet, Leah?”
I look up but don’t see any at all—talk about screwed.
I turn my head back to Jamie but she’s fading away. Panic cree
ps up my spine. “I don't see any. I don't know what to do!”
“You have to see them!” she screams. “You have to believe again. You have to want it.”
I stand up and squeeze my eyes shut. I will with everything and anything I have left in me—just to be able to see one single star before I die.
That's all I want. Just one.
It’s my only chance and I have to take it.
I need it more than anything. Even more than my next heartbeat or next breath.
Because I really don’t want this ending. My chest constricts but I force myself to inhale and open my eyes.
It’s faint, barely even noticeable, but I finally see the tail end of a shooting star.
I jump up and down and point to the sky. “I see a shooting star, Jamie. Tell me what to do, please!”
She cups her hand over her mouth. “You have to make a wish, Leah. The most important wish of your entire life.” Her eyes flash and she lifts her chin. “And you have to want it, more than you've ever wanted anything in your entire life.”
Well, if that's the case. I already knew what my wish was.
I look at Jamie but she’s fading, even quicker.
I look down horrified because I now realize that I’m fading right along with her.
I’m dying—actually dying...this is it.
I’ve officially become another statistic.
Hot tears roll down my face and I feel my heart beat for what feels like the last time.
The thought is enough to bring me to my knees. Oh, god—I don’t want to die.
I can’t believe all that I’ve taken for granted.
With my last breath, I make my wish. “I wish to see Danny and Lillian again. I wish to see Jacob again. I wish for them all to love me and forgive me. I wish for Jacob to love me again. I want to live. I have to live—just give me one more chance!”
Warm, white light envelops me and somehow I know it’s Jamie’s arms around me.
****
“She's coding again. We're losing her,” someone shouts. “Fuck, the narcan's not working. She's too far gone.”
“She’s already coded multiple times now. We’ve been working on her for the last 40 minutes,” another voice yells. “We just keep losing her. She’s not gonna make it.”
“Come on guys, she's only 27,” a voice calls out. ”She's still young. We need to try it again. Bump it up to 360 joules. Everyone stand back. Clear!"
360 joules? Shit, that’s the maximum.
I can’t focus on that, though because I’m still fading away. Jamie’s no longer with me and I don’t think I can hold on any longer.
“It didn't work. Dammit,” the first voice shouts. “We lost her.”
No, I'm not dead guys. At least, I hope not. You just shocked me to shit and practically roasted me, give it a moment, would ya?
I was a doctor, you know.
The thought sends a rush of fear right through me.
That's right. I was a doctor. And clinically...I know they're right.
I am dead.
I've already pissed myself while being brought in on the gurney, I can no longer feel my heartbeat and I'm not breathing.
And in less than 60 seconds, my brain will have been deprived of so much oxygen; it won't matter how much my desire to live is—because my brain stem won't be firing any neurons anymore.
“Call it. Time of death: 02:00 hours,” the first voice says.
“Someone get a hold of her next of kin,” someone else says solemnly.
Time of death? Next of kin? Oh god—that’s Danny.
I feel the very last of myself start to fade, but one thought causes me to hold on for dear life—I cannot let Danny get that phone call.
I know I have Lillian listed in my phone as my emergency contact, but technically Danny's my next of kin.
Will they even call her first, though?
Fuck!
I'm fully aware that Pauly won't give two shits. He pretty much just rolled me out of his car in front of the hospital and booked it the hell out of there.
Please, god. If there's anything else I can wish for— it's that Danny doesn't get a phone call telling him that his big sister's dead from a heroin overdose.
Determination flows through me and my fight or flight reflexes kick in for the first time in a very long time.
This is not the way I'm going out. I'll do whatever I have to in order to make sure that doesn't ever happen. I won’t do that to him—I won’t do that to them.
It's crazy how being dead, makes you want to live. It makes you want to fix and feel everything.
It makes you want to do the unthinkable.
It makes you want to save yourself.
Chapter 35 (Jacob)
“Jacob, there's an emergency. We have to go to the hospital!” Lillian yells, as she comes barreling into my office.
I glance at the clock. It’s a little past 2am in the morning. What the hell could be happening at this hour?
I stand up and rest my forearms on the desk. “Are you okay? Is Danny okay?”
She tries to answer but starts sobbing instead. That’s when I start panicking and motion for her to start speaking before I really lose my shit. She takes the hint and looks up at me. “Yes—no. It's Leah.”
Fuck, I guess the dreaded day is here. The day I fought so hard to prevent from happening in the first place.
I dig my fingers into the desk. I can’t lose it. Danny’s still in the house. And I have to be strong for him.
I look down and force myself to breathe. “Lillian, I can't go. I won't let Danny go either. I don't want him to see his big sister in a morgue. I'll stay here with him.” I pause and look at her. “If you can't go—I can send someone else."
I close my eyes, hating that I can’t even volunteer myself to go in place of her...hating that I’m about to make a 70-year-old woman do this horrible task when it should be me—but I just can’t bring myself to see Leah's lifeless body.
I’m strong, I know I am. I have an inner strength that exceeds most of the population’s.
I’m strong—not compassionate, sensitive, or nurturing.
And to the outside world, most things never penetrate my tough exterior. Which is exactly the way I want it.
I’m ruthless, controlling, and cold. It’s my self-preservation.
But there’s no way I can walk into that hospital. There’s no way I can’t bear the way my heart and soul will be crushed into dust when I see that she’s no longer living.
It was bad enough the day I found my mother hanging from the ceiling fan in her bedroom.
I’ve never been able to recover from that.
A part of me thinks that Lillian knows it will effectively demolish whatever humanity’s still left in me—the part that meeting Leah had resurrected—if I see Leah’s dead body with my own eyes.
She grabs a tissue and reaches her frail hand up to touch my cheek. “I'll go. I just wanted to be the one to tell you.”
With a sniffle, she walks out of my office and I bury my head in my hands.
How the hell am I going to tell Danny? How is he ever going to get through this?
How am I ever going to get through this?
That's easy...I'm not.
If I thought my heart and soul were destroyed before, well, it just got put through a damn meat grinder now.
I sit down at my desk and fight the urge to beat the living shit out of something— if only to exchange it for the life that was so unjustly taken.
I stare at the wall for what feels like hours, thinking of nothing but Leah. How much I hate her for doing this and destroying us both— and how much I love her because my heart just doesn’t know any better.
Then my phone rings.
“Jacob. Thank heavens,” Lillian screams. “It's a miracle. She's not dead after all. She did code, though. Three times, to be exact. We have to help her!”
Relief coats my heart and I issue a silent prayer into the universe. “I'm glad she'
s not dead, but she doesn't want the help. You know this already.”
Just like I know that I can’t go down this road again. I already had Lillian offer her the best rehab on the planet— at least three different times in the last year, maybe more…and she declined...every single fucking time.
“I think she really wants it this time. Please. Can I send her?” Lillian begs. “I mean, if she's willing to even go that is. She hasn't exactly spoken up about going just yet— "
I grind my teeth. “If you don't know if she's willing to go yet, then we shouldn't even be having this conversation.”
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose because that tiny shred of hope I have refuses to just fuck off. “If she wants to go, then fine. Send her to the inpatient thirty-day one, charge it to my card. See what happens—but I'm not holding my breath. Also, make sure she knows that she is under no circumstances, allowed to have any contact with Danny, not until I give her the say so—" I start to say, until Lillian hangs up the phone on me with a big huff.
Yeah, Leah's presence is already starting to bring out the control freak in me.
I slam my fist on the desk, because as relieved as I am to know she’s alive...I’m still so fucking pissed about everything she’s put me through. I would have given her the fucking world in the palm of her hand and all she did was treat me like I was nothing but scum.
No matter how much I tried to prove myself and my love for her time and time again...she never gave me the benefit of the doubt, never let me explain myself before she assumed the worst...and yet, I still gave her my heart—like some kind of fucking chump.
And if I’m being honest with myself...a big part of me wants to take everything I feel out on her because that's what she deserves.
I want to hurt her the way she hurt me.
It might make me a petty asshole to most people, but I don’t give a fuck.
I hang my head because I want to smack myself for even getting my hopes up in the first place because I know damn well, she won’t even end up going to rehab.
She made her choice back then and I suffer the consequences of it...every single fucking day.