by Ashley Jade
But he still won’t let me know how he feels about me, or what’s going on inside his head, as well as his heart.
Yup, I just need to give him a few hours to cool off first, I tell myself. Maybe then we can talk everything out, finally.
I know I'll make the right decision, once all the cards are laid out on the table.
Once I know for sure, where exactly we stand with one another...once and for all.
Chapter 51 (Jacob)
Just when I was feeling like maybe it was time to finally let Leah in...she drops this shit on me.
She’s leaving me, again...with her ex-boyfriend no less.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn't expect her to stick around in limbo forever.
I just needed time to trust her...again. Clearly, I know now that I never can.
Now...I want to punish her, much worse than before. I don't care if it will hurt me in the process either. I’m too hurt by her right now to even care.
I open my desk drawer and take out the jewelry box containing what was once supposed to be Leah’s engagement ring. I keep it there as a reminder to remember how much she hurt me, wrecked me.
I'm such a fucking idiot. I fucking knew she would do this to me...again.
I can’t believe she’s moving away with her ex-boyfriend. Did she really think that wouldn’t bother me? That it wouldn’t hurt me even more than I’m already hurting over her?
Christ, I want her to hurt like I am. I want her to know what it’s like to be forced to share the person you love with another, how it feels to know your love isn’t good enough to fix all their pain.
Obviously, I would never turn to heroin, but I sure as fuck, pun intended, can turn to an ex...just like she is.
Problem is...I don't really have exes. I’d never done the whole ‘relationship thing’ with anyone before Leah.
She’s the only one I took that chance with. She's the only one I ever wanted to take that chance with...until she destroyed me.
I want her to know what it’s like when someone rips your heart right out of your chest and then stomps on it. Just like she did to me that day in the guesthouse...when she chose heroin over me, right after I chose her over everything.
I need her to know what that does to a person...a man. A man who realized that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with one single woman and was mere seconds away from proposing to said, woman.
Until she carved out my heart with a rusty spoon and took a chainsaw to it. Leaving me on my knees in agony as she hightailed it out of my life.
I need her to feel that pain. I need her to understand.
I need…
Shit, I need to call Nadia.
The world's most beautiful supermodel. Who I know for a fact, still has a thing for me.
She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen...well, besides Leah.
Playboy, sports illustrated, and maxim backed me up on those thoughts as well.
I ignore the little voice in the back of my head telling me it’s not a good idea.
Fuck that—fuck her.
I have every right to do this to her after what she did to me. There's nothing and no one in the goddamn world who’s gonna tell me otherwise.
Besides, if Nadia can't get my dick up and running again—there’s really no point in even having one anymore.
I won't allow Leah to continue taking all the control away from that area of my life anymore.
She sparked the beast, and this time, I won't be hiding it from her. He’s out...for good this time, and it’s all her fault.
Just like everything else.
I pick up the phone and dial Nadia. She answers on the first ring. “Hey...are you in town?” I ask.
I can practically hear her jaw hit the floor. “Yes. Can I come over? It's been so long,” she says, a little too eagerly for my liking.
I ignore that thought. Whatever, all the better for me.
“Yeah. I'll see you in about an hour, but call me when you're at the door. I have Lillian's grandson sleeping at the house—and I don't want to be rude. So, I'll just come down and get you."
I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get her upstairs without Lillian or Danny noticing.
Lillian won't even let her upstairs if she answers the door.
And Danny? Well, he’d probably try to sneak her in his room.
“Okay, sexy. I'll see you soon. I miss you,” she purrs, before hanging up.
Yeah...this plan is going to work out beautifully.
Fuck Leah. Fuck love—all it ever did was cause me pain.
Fuck the way my heart still beats for her and only her.
****
An hour later I’m leading Nadia up the stairs to my office and she’s practically clawing at me on the staircase.
I already know I can’t bring her to my bedroom. There’s too many memories of Leah and I in there.
Luckily, Lillian and Danny have already gone to bed. Either that...or they just didn't want to come out of their bedrooms after they heard Leah and I arguing.
We make our way into my office and I make sure to close the door behind me.
“I'm so happy you called me,” she says. “Gosh, sexy, it's been so long. I was worried you ended up getting married or something.”
I almost wince at her choice of words. I thought I would end up getting married or something too.
Fuck. I need to focus on Nadia right in front of me, not Leah.
Leah’s the reason I’m even doing this in the first place.
I watch her long blonde hair flow down her back as she unzips her dress and slips it up over her mile long legs. She really is beautiful.
Unfortunately, my area down below doesn't seem to think so anymore. Not the same way it used to, anyway.
Not the way it reacts when it’s Leah taking off her clothes in front of me.
Nadia is involuntary...Leah isn't.
I’m so busy thinking about Leah, I don’t even realize that Nadia’s still in the room, until she’s standing directly in front of me topless wearing nothing but her little lacy thong.
Technically, I should be feeling like the luckiest guy in the world right now.
However...I close my eyes in shame because this is a mistake.
A big mistake...fuck. The reality hits me hard.
This isn't who I am. I’m becoming him again, and I don't want that anymore...with or without Leah in my life.
Why it takes a long-legged blonde supermodel for me to see the error of my ways...I'll never know. I blame the fact that I have a dick, therefore; I just don’t know any better.
Either way, I’m grateful for the realization.
I once told Leah that when I wanted something, I go after it, full force. No exceptions.
I still want and still love Leah...there’s no doubt in my mind now.
Not that there ever really was in the first place, I was just trying my hardest to make it all go away. I didn't want to deal with all the pain she caused me.
But, at this moment, I’m realizing that you can't fight against a storm like real love, because you're not supposed to.
Love doesn’t come with conditions, or at least, it shouldn’t...because then it’s not real love.
Love isn’t something you can control.
Loving someone means forgiving them, even after they hurt you. Not wanting to continue punishing them for their mistakes—because love isn’t perfect—it’s real, messy, and raw...it leaves you vulnerable…and sometimes it fucking hurts like hell.
But it’s all about finding the person who’s worth going through all that hell for.
And for me? That’s Leah.
And in order to get her back. I need to man up and tell her what I’m really scared of.
I need to tell her that I love her, that I will always love her...but I’m so fucking scared of trusting her with my heart again.
I'm so fucking scared of her hurting me again.
I close my eyes when the next thought slams into me
.
It wasn't Leah I was trying to punish...it was never her.
It was her addiction.
I can trust Leah with my heart, it's the heroin I can't trust.
And now that I know that...I need to get Nadia the hell out of here, so I can go out to the guest house and give Leah my heart again. Along with my forgiveness, because she more than deserves it.
I’m suddenly relieved that Leah never moved back into the house...because seeing this will kill her...and then I'd lose her forever and it really will be all my fault.
Dammit, why does Lillian always have to be right about everything?
“Nadia. Look, I'm sorry. This is a mistake, there's another woman. And I love her...so much. But we're having problems right now and I wanted to make her jealous. I'm sorry I used you to do that, it was wrong of me. I'm not the same person anymore and—"
She ignores me and drops down to her knees instead. “Jacob, stop acting so strange, honey. You know, I can't resist what's underneath these pants. Just like you know that I know the way you like it...” she says, reaching for my fly.
Shit, this isn't good.
I try to pull away, but she lunges for my belt buckle next. That’s when I freak the fuck out and start panicking.
And yeah, technically I can overpower her using force, but that wouldn't be right. My best option is to tell her yet again, that this is all a big mistake.
“I'm sorry, but no, Nadia. Like I said...this is a mistake,” I say, as my pants fall down to my ankles and I quickly back away.
That's when my office door opens.
Dear god—please let it be Lillian standing there.
I'd much rather see a 70-year-old woman, mad as hell, wagging her finger at me...then see Leah right this second.
Shit, I'd even prefer for it to be Danny at this point. I'd let him get in a few blows to my face...hell, I deserve it.
I take a deep breath and look in the direction of the door.
Yup...karma really is a bitch.
“Leah...this isn't what it looks like,” I say. “We need to talk. I'm ready to talk to you now.”
Her gaze darkens and she looks at me with daggers in her eyes.
She reminds me...of.
Well, shit.
She reminds me—of me.
This is bad...very bad. That’s when I see it and my heart squeezes in my chest like a fucking vice.
Tears. Leah’s crying.
Because of me.
Because I’m the biggest prick in the world, and for once, it has nothing to do with the size of my equipment.
It's because I’m a fucking asshole.
A coward who would rather hurt the woman I love as some kind of punishment, instead of talking to her about how I feel. Instead of manning up and telling her that I’m scared.
The tears fall faster down her beautiful face and each and every one of them causes me to die a small death.
“Christ, Leah. I'm so sorry—” I start to say, before she cuts me off with a single word.
“Deception...” she chokes out through strained sobs as all the oxygen leaves the room.
Then she takes off running.
Chapter 52 (Leah)
The last thing I ever expected to see, was some naked, blonde, beyond gorgeous, woman on her knees in front of Jacob.
Especially when I was going up to his office to tell him that I decided to stay after all.
I was going to tell him that I didn't want to leave Danny, Lillian, or him, ever again.
I love my family—that's what they had all become to me at this point and I can’t bear the thought of leaving them.
Especially given that I’m still fairly new in my recovery. I still need their support, it helps keep me strong.
I was going to tell Jacob that I do love working for Jamie's Spot and I was going to talk to him about possibly becoming a counselor of some sort and providing face to face services that way, expanding my role a little bit.
I wanted to let him know that I wouldn't leave him again, period...especially with my ex-boyfriend.
I was also going to tell him that I wouldn't settle for less than what I deserved anymore...because I already know what I want. However, I was willing to give him a little bit more time to figure out what it is that he wants.
Clearly...he knows exactly what he wants now. Me too for that matter.
In my mind, I always pictured Jacob with all sorts of beautiful women. I never thought I was good enough for him back then. It used to haunt my thoughts day in and day out.
Seeing it with my very own eyes, though? Yeah...that hits a little too hard to take at the moment.
I need something to take the edge off, make me go numb.
And I know exactly who I need to find in order to accomplish that.
There's only one place that Pauly hangs out consistently...my old job. The strip club.
Which is why I currently find myself walking back through these godforsaken doors, on the lookout for Pauly.
Jacob wanted to punish me and he succeeded.
And now I need something to take all the hurt away again.
Chapter 53 (Jacob)
Due to my pants being around my ankles when Leah took off running, she had a major head start out the front door.
My heart sinks when I hear the sound of her car starting. It's pouring rain outside, and the last thing she should be doing is driving while she’s so upset.
Hopefully, she’s only going to the woods. But either way, she’s gone now and it’s all my fault.
I run down the staircase and tug my jeans up. “Fuck!”
I don’t even register Lillian standing at the bottom of the staircase until she holds out her arm, halting me on the last step. “What happened?”
I guess she wasn't sleeping after all...of course.
I debate telling her what really happened, but Nadia decides to walk down the stairs at that moment, zipping her dress back up.
Fucking perfect.
Lillian puts two and two together and shoots me a look of sheer disappointment. I want to tuck my tail between my legs and disappear. “Don't worry. I'll see your visitor to the front door,” she snaps, motioning for Nadia to get the hell out.
I sit on the steps and put my head in my hands. “I know, I screwed up, Lillian. Big time. I didn't do anything, though. I stopped right before it got out of hand.” I look at her and sigh. “Unfortunately, not before Leah saw it all—came to her own conclusions—and ran out the door, crying hysterically."
She gasps and clutches her chest. “You mean, Leah actually saw that young woman...with you—while you were about to—"
“Yeah, pretty much. This is a fucking mess. I don't know how to fix it.”
She wags her finger in my face and screams, “You need to go after her, Jacob. Right now! What the hell is wrong with you!”
Shit, she’s right. I've chased her every other damn time...why should now be any different?
Only this time? She has every right not to want to let me catch her.
She has every right to keep running from me and never look back.
I curse under my breath and immediately search for my keys when my next thought comes.
What if this causes her to relapse?
God, she's been doing so well and staying so strong. But what if this is the final straw that pushes her over the edge?
I didn't even think of that before I called Nadia. I just wanted to punish her.
Christ...I don't deserve Leah after all. How the fuck could I do this to her?
I have to stop her from doing something horrible. I can't let her ruin herself again, I love her too much.
Why the fuck am I so stubborn?
There are only two places she would run off to if she's this upset.
The woods—or the option that really makes my skin crawl—off to go find that shithead, Pauly somewhere.
Fearing the worst, I run out the door and pray I’m able to find her before it’s too late. I’ll nev
er forgive myself if my stupid actions cause her to relapse.
****
After checking out her old office and seeing no sign of her or that shithead, I decide to head to the strip club.
It’s a long shot, but I have nothing to lose at this point. I’m already losing her...every second that passes without finding her.
I enter the strip club and try not to choke on all the fog. Apparently tonight is considered a ‘free night’, meaning all the strippers greet the men in semi-private booths and dance for them.
The thought of Leah ever doing that makes me fucking sick. Sick and angry. However, I can't think about that now, I have more pressing issues.
Less than five minutes later, I’m looking right at Pauly the asshole.
He’s sitting in a corner booth as some brunette gyrates over his lap, sticking her ass in his face.
My hand's clench and I’m ready to lose my shit.
I breathe a sigh of relief when the brunette shimmies upwards and I see her face.
It’s not Leah, thank god.
Pauly finally turns his head in my direction...and he looks nervous.
Good. He should be nervous. Especially if I find out that he’s had any contact with Leah since the last time I kicked his ass.
I walk over and immediately grab him by the collar of his shirt. “Have you seen her?”
His buddy beside him gets up and puffs out his chest. I yank his shirt and throw him out into the crowd.
“Have I seen who?” Pauly asks with a grin. A grin that I'm more than happy to wipe off his face.
The guy must have a fucking death wish tonight. My hand slides from his collar to around his throat in two seconds flat.
That's when the bouncers come over and break it up.
It still doesn’t keep me from tugging Pauly's shirt and dragging him outside with me. I pull him toward the parking lot and slam him up against a large dumpster.
“You know who I'm talking about, asshole. Now tell me if you've seen her—and maybe I'll let you live.”
He lifts his chin and glares at me. “Look, you seem like a business man. Maybe I'll be more willing to spill if you make it worth my while.”
This fucking douchebag. I punch him hard in the eye and knee him in the ribs. I don’t have time for this shit.