by Ashley Jade
He holds up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, okay. Fine....Yes. She came in about a twenty minutes ago, looking for me.”
My stomach drops and I recoil. Fuck. This is exactly what I was fearing.
Given my current choices now—a big part of me wants to hear that she was looking for this asshole to fuck him, in order to get back at me; rather than seeking him out for heroin.
Maybe all wasn't lost after all. It would hurt like hell if she fucked him tonight, but it’s so much better than the alternative.
“And then what happened?” I snarl.
He doesn’t answer, so I smack his stupid hat off his head before lifting him up off the ground.
He starts hyperventilating. But, the asshole’s still not speaking..
“Tell me, and I won't hurt you,” I say calmly, fully knowing I’m lying.
He takes a deep breath and relief flashes across his face before he answers, “She copped, man. She got a couple bags. I asked her if she wanted to hang out, you know; for old times sake—but she said she needed to go see a friend. Now, I told you what you wanted to know. So let me go."
Fuck this motherfucker.
I land another blow to his face and he cries out in pain. Then, I kick him so hard in the ribs he falls down on the ground. I land one final kick straight to his balls and he cries out again.
Then...I pick him up and throw him in the dumpster.
Exactly where scum like him belongs.
Now...I have to go find Leah.
Luckily, I already know what friend she needs to see.
Jamie, the source of all her original guilt. The place where she goes not to grieve, but to apologize...because she still thinks it’s all her fault.
I run back to my car in the pouring rain and scream at the sky because I’m so fucking pissed at myself for making her upset enough to seek out Pauly and drugs again.
And even worse than that?
I know if she’s going to Jamie’s spot with heroin, she’s definitely about to relapse. If she hasn't already that is.
Chapter 54 (Leah)
Just as I figured, it was disturbingly easy to find and score from Pauly.
Luckily, I had already picked up a fresh new needle beforehand.
I was ready for this.
I take my shit and walk into the bathroom.
I roll the sleeve to my shirt up and made a makeshift tourniquet out of my hair tie.
Then...I throw everything into the fucking toilet and flush—twice.
My brothers face, Lillian's face, and hell; even Jacob's face flash through my mind.
I’ve come so far. I can't do this to them.
Even more...I can't do this to myself.
I’m worth more than this and I finally I love myself now, flaws and all.
If I thought that I deserved better than to be used for Jacob's needs...then I certainly deserve better than to be used and ruined by heroin...again.
I won't become my father, I won't let my insecurities and past mistakes fuel even bigger ones.
I won't become my mother again either.
I have to learn to forgive myself for everything. I can't let my grief, guilt, and pain do this to me all over again. I need to learn to deal with it the right way.
When I run back outside to my car, the rain is coming down in buckets, but I don’t care...I need to see Jamie, I need to talk to her.
****
I park in front of the woods before I get out and run full speed ahead.
The ground by Jamie's spot is soaked, the flowers are drowning in the mud, and thunder and lightning are booming above me.
Call me crazy, but I know it’s Jamie issuing her own warning about me almost relapsing.
I know it’s her pushing me to acknowledge the truth before it’s too late, before my moment of clarity is gone again.
God, I felt so guilty about not being able to save her, felt so guilty that it wasn’t me...and over the years all it did was fester into something that I used to punish myself.
I never let myself believe the truth, the truth the 12-year-old me needed so desperately to hear from someone, anyone after it happened. The truth that Jamie tried telling me in my dreams so many times, but I continued shutting her out because I just couldn’t accept it.
“It wasn't my fault!” I scream with tears in my eyes.
The storm ends and I watch in amazement as the dark clouds above me pass. The impact of my words is like unlocking a shackle around my heart. I look up to the stars and breathe for the first time in such a long time. Jamie’s presence is overwhelming and I wish I could launch myself up to heaven to give her a hug one last time.
“No, it wasn't, Leah,” a familiar voice calls out.
I scowl at his shadow because he’s the last person I want to see right now. He’s the one person who can ruin this moment for me.
Anger bubbles through me and I take off running, in the opposite direction of my car and away from Jacob, my shoes now smothered in mud as I plow through the woods.
It would have been easier had I just jumped back in my car, but that would give Jacob a chance to catch up to me.
And for once, I’m determined to not let him outrun me.
I make it out of the woods in no time, pausing briefly to catch my breath.
I expect to hear his footsteps following close behind me, but I don’t.
I see headlights instead and curse under my breath. Clearly, Jacob is smarter than I am.
He follows, driving behind me closely as I continue jogging.
I don't know exactly where I’m running to mentally, but my traitorous body seems to be headed in the direction of Jacob's house.
I look for someplace to turn up ahead. I need to be away from him, I can’t watch him fuck another member of his precious harem.
I deserve better.
“Leah, I'm so sorry,” he shouts through the open window of his car. “Baby, please just listen to me!”
I continue running. “I am not your baby—that would be the naked girl who was down on her knees in front of you. Or have there been so many recently, you’ve forgotten already!"
“I didn't have sex with her, I stopped it from happening. I only want you, Leah. Only you.”
“Yeah, well I've heard that before. Besides, you had that option not too long ago—and it still wasn't what you wanted.”
I’m so distracted I miss my turn and see his house quickly approaching on the horizon.
Shit, I have nowhere to run to anymore.
It seems like no matter how far I run—all roads always lead back to Jacob.
“Dammit, Leah,” he screams. “I love you. I have always been in love with you. I will always be in love with you, I will always want you. You are the only person for me. Which is exactly why I can't let you ruin yourself again.”
He pulls the car up beside me. “I'm not letting you run away from me this time—even if you do love drugs more than you can ever love me. I will see to it you that you will never shoot up another goddamn drug again. I will handcuff you to my bed forever—and I swear to god, I’ll never let you out of my sight again.”
What? He’s wrong...all wrong. I need to fix a few things in his screwed up head.
I stop short and turn around to face him.
Before I have time to gather myself, I slip on the wet concrete and I bust my ass.
I go down hard...really hard. Terrible time to be wearing a freaking skirt. Half my ass goes numb, and I can already tell I’ll have one heck of a bruise.
“Ouch...fuck,” I shout, pounding my fist's on the pavement.
I hear the sound of tires screeching and Jacob kneels down beside me. “Jesus, are you okay?”
I wince and give him a dirty look. “I'll live.”
Before I can protest, he scoops me in his arms and starts walking toward the house.
I squirm in his arms. I can stand on my own two feet now, I didn't need him...him or his fucking harem.
He gives me a cocky smi
le. “Stop trying to fight me, Leah. I’ll never let you run from me again...you already know why.”
I roll my eyes and he opens the door to the guest house and deposits my muddy shoes outside the door before grabbing a towel to clean my feet. If he thinks this is going to work after what he did, he’s out of his damn mind.
He finally puts me down, but stands directly in front of the doorway, blocking it.
I jab my finger into his chest. “You can’t control me, Jacob. I control myself. And not that it’s any of your business anymore, but I didn't do drugs tonight. I didn’t relapse, I couldn't do it. I've become too strong for that.”
The relief that courses over his features is palpable, but in the blink of an eye his gaze turns dark and he shakes his head. “I had a little talk with Pauly...he told me that you copped from him. So don't fucking lie to me.”
I cross my arms, pissed that he doesn’t believe me, but then again; I don’t expect any less from Jacob. He’s probably looking to store this as fuel and use it as another way to punish me.
“I did buy drugs,” I tell him. “I walked into the bathroom and was prepared to throw my life to hell again. However, like I said, I couldn't do it. All I could think about was how much I love Danny and Lillian. How much I love you, you jackass.” I point to my chest. ”How much I love myself. I flushed it down the toilet and left because I deserve more than that."
He throws his arms around me in such a tight and warm embrace…it practically knocks the wind right out of me.
“I'm so proud of you, Leah. I'm sorry I put you through what I did. I’m such an idiot. I’ll never, ever do that to you again. That's not who I want to be anymore. That's not who I'm meant to be. I'm so fucking sorry, baby," he says squeezing me even tighter now.
God, it feels so good to be in his arms again.
He cups my face in his hands before he kisses me soft and tender and I can’t help but let him.
I mean, he did say he didn't have sex with that woman, right?
I brush my tongue against his and he lets out a groan and grabs a handful of my ass.
Unfortunately, he grabs the wrong cheek and I yelp out in pain.
“Shit. I forgot.” He motions me over to the kitchen table. “Here, let me see.”
He gets out a cotton ball and a bottle of peroxide from the cabinet. I almost laugh because it’s strange to see him so nurturing.
He raises a brow. “Something funny?”
“You taking care of me. It's just unexpected.” I pause. “It reminds me of how you used to be. The softer side of you.”
“Leah, you bring out this side of me. I told you way back then that all I wanted to do was take care of you and I meant it.” He gives me a sexy smirk. “Now...I need to have a look at your ass, so lift your skirt and bend over the table for me."
I immediately do as I’m told, the man truly is irresistible.
He lightly dabs the cotton ball over my right cheek. “How bad is the damage?” I ask as I look over my shoulder at him.
“You have a few scrapes and a bruise, but I think you'll live.” He sucks in a breath. “However, I won't make it much longer with you bent over the table like this in front of me."
He slowly starts removing my panties and I lean into his touch, until I remember how he’s been treating me for the last two months.
He pushes my panties to the floor and I step out of them. “Let me guess,” I say. “You have the sudden urge to make the other side of my ass match, huh?”
The truth is that I wouldn’t even mind, but seeing as we haven’t talked out any of our issues yet, I’m not so sure this is a good idea.
He plants a tender kiss over the bruise starting to form. “No, baby.”
“So this won't be another punishment?”
He shakes his head and kisses the spot again. “I don't want to punish you anymore. I never did. I wanted to punish your addiction. I wanted to punish myself for still loving you. I was wrong.” He plants another kiss over my bruise. “So fucking wrong."
I close my eyes at his gentle touch. As much as I love Jacob's dominating and controlling side, I love and miss this soft side. I need both sides of him, I need him period.
But I also need him to open up to me and tell me what he’s feeling on the inside.
I’m soon distracted by him dragging his finger along my folds while I’m still bent over in front of him.
I start to move away again, embarrassed at just how exposed I am at this angle.
“Stop running from me, Leah. I love you. Even the parts I can't control...because I can't live without all of you,” he whispers before his tongue dives deep inside me.
I rotate my hips in front of his face and moan, “Oh my god, Jacob. How the fuck do you do that?”
My previous embarrassment is nothing but a distant memory now as my pleasure builds higher and higher.
He laughs softly, before coiling his tongue around my clit, sending tiny jolts of pleasure up my spine. “Fuck you taste so good, baby,” he says between long licks. ”I want to worship you and this pussy, every goddamn day.”
I become lightheaded with desire and I’m about to respond, but he groans and spreads me open wider for him with one hand as his other hand presses my lower back down, pushing my chest into the table. He’s lapping my pussy with such intense fervor my head spins.
He slowly traces my slit with his mouth before moving his head back up again—now teasing that delicate spot between my bottom and my center.
The movement causes me to jerk upwards. “Don’t run from me,” he whispers before diving into my core again.
He circles my clit again and before I can inhale my next breath, I’m shouting his name as my release pulsates through me.
He closes his eyes and nuzzles my wetness. “You’re the best deception, Leah.”
I open my mouth to ask what in the world he means by that, but he begins lapping up my juices with such vigor, like I’m his drug.
As amazing as it feels, it only reminds me that he’s turning to sex as an outlet for his emotions...just like he always does.
And this time, I’m going to make it perfectly clear where I stand and what I need from him.
With a big sigh, I stand up and push him to the floor. I fix my skirt and take a seat on the floor next to him. It's about time I say this and get it off my chest.
“No. I won’t do this anymore. I can’t do this.”
He looks confused and hurt but I put a finger over his mouth. “I'm moving forward and you're still stuck.” I run a hand along his cheek and he closes his eyes. “Whether you ever decide to forgive me or not, I don't want to be stuck in my mistakes anymore, Jacob. And I’m not so sure you can give me what I need."
He places both his hands on either side of my face and looks at me with so much love in his eyes, I have to catch my breath. “I’ll give you the world, Leah. Just tell me what you need and I’ll do it.”
My heart takes flight and I want to cry because I’ve never had anyone look at me the way he’s looking at me—like I’m priceless and exquisite. “I need you to talk to me, Jacob. Tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours.”
He gestures to the table. “Didn't I just show you?”
“Yes, but I need to hear words. Stop using sex as your outlet. I love having sex with you, it's my favorite thing in the whole entire world. But even still….we need to talk about everything that's happened and everything you’re feeling inside. It’s the only way we stand a chance.”
He gets up off the floor. “I'm not good at this shit.”
I grab his hand and pull him back down. “Stop running from me, Jacob.”
He puts his head in his hands. “I'm scared, Leah. I hate losing control. I hate the thought of being my father. I hate the fact that I actually loved him, really loved him— before I found out the truth. It makes me feel ashamed.”
He leans against the wall and looks up at the ceiling. “I hate that my mom left me and committed suicide. We were so
close, she was amazing. And the moment I walked into her bedroom and found her...god, it broke me.”
I reach for his hand and give it a gentle squeeze, urging him to continue and letting him know that I’m here for him.
“I thought it was my fault...all my fault for the longest time. I thought I could have done something to prevent it.”
I run my thumb along his knuckle. “No, baby. It wasn’t your fault.”
He looks down at the ground. “You’re right—it wasn’t me who caused it. I found out the truth, or rather she did. It was my father's fault.”
Pure anguish flickers across his face. “He told me the last thing she saw before she died was him—with one of his victims. She obviously couldn't take all the pain. I can't say now that I don't understand or blame her. Hell, I could barely take it myself.”
He swallows thickly and takes a breath. “The whole time growing up, I thought she left me because I wasn't good enough—because my love wasn’t good enough. I loved her so much, I just couldn’t understand why she would leave me. It really screwed me up. And I tried to control everything in my world so I would never experience that heartache again. I never let myself get emotionally close to another woman, I used them before they could never use me or hurt me.”
He exhales sharply. “Losing her hurt more than anything, Leah.”
He looks me in the eyes. “Right up there with the day, I found out everything about my father. And the day you left me.”
My hearts aches for him and all he’s lost. I get how me leaving him was like ripping a scab off a major wound. Everything makes so much sense now.
I position myself in front of him and run my hand along his jaw, his stubble prickling my skin.
I look into his eyes and all I want to do is give him all the love he deserves. I want so much to understand and love this broken beautiful man sitting in front of me. I want to fix all his scars and heal every hurt.
“Tell me more, baby,” I whisper. “Let me in. I’m not going anywhere.”
His face contorts in pain. “My mom died when I was thirteen. I was just becoming a teenager, learning how to become a man. I didn't get along with my father when I was a kid, but after my mom died, we became close. He was all I had. He seemed so powerful, and he never let emotions cloud his judgment. I admired that after my mom died, because her death was eating away at me, every day. In time and through his guidance, he taught me how to be that way. Little did I know, that he was a sick and twisted fuck, who got his emotions out in other ways.”