A Treacherous Mix

by Kathy Herman

  “Interesting,” Hawk said.

  Elliot nodded. “There’s more. ‘There is a third set of hormones called endorphins released during sexual activities, and they affect both genders. Endorphins are what we call happy hormones. They are highly addictive and cause us to want to experience the rush again and again and again. What makes things even more interesting is that these hormones are values-neutral. Whether it’s a one-time encounter or a lifelong commitment, we bond the same way. It also crystallizes these emotional memories in our minds, making these encounters and experiences difficult to forget.’”

  Hawk blew out a breath. “Wow. This really hits home. So if I’m understanding this, having sex with Kennedy released all these hormones that caused us to bond, whether we wanted to or not. And the longer we were in a sexual relationship, the more those hormones bonded us. All those feelings of contentment, happiness, calm, and trust were present. But the part that hit me was that sexual intimacy forms intense bonds mentally, emotionally, and physically. And those hormones make emotional memories hard to forget. I guess that explains what’s going on with me and why I can’t let go.”

  “I think you’re right. Hawk, God designed sex exclusively for marriage because it binds a couple together at a depth they don’t have with anyone else.”

  “So am I trapped with these feelings forever?”

  “Not necessarily,” Elliot said. “But you do need to be intentional about doing some things that help to rewire your brain.”

  “What things?”

  “According to Cole Zick, the codirector of Moral Revolution, the first is repent. I believe you’ve done that. But you might be having problems believing you’re forgiven. The second thing is accepting your forgiveness. Zick suggests thanking God out loud for your forgiveness and telling Him you believe in His grace. Each time you do this, you will be rewiring your brain to believe God has forgiven you.”

  “What’s the third?” Hawk said.

  “Create a statement of change. Prayerfully create a statement that addresses the broken paradigm. For example, a statement of change might be ‘I find my value in who Christ has made me, and I don’t need casual sexuality to discover my self-worth’ or ‘I believe that marriage was ordained by God and that, by the blood of Christ, I can start fresh and keep myself pure for the woman who will one day be my wife.’ Name how it is you want to change.”

  “That’s seems like a great step,” Hawk said. “What’s the fourth?”

  “The fourth is to find loving support. To identify someone in your life that you trust and who will commit to you. Ask them for a twenty-one-day commitment to help retool your thinking. They will be your support when you don’t feel forgiven or struggle with temptation and will pray for your freedom.”

  Hawk looked over at Elliot. “Would you do that for me?”

  Elliot patted Hawk’s knee. “I’d be honored. I was hoping you’d ask. I’m eager for you to take a look at the website: moralrevolution-dot-com. It’s categorized so that you can pick the subject you want to read about. You should finish reading the ‘Invisible Effects of Sex before Marriage’ article and learn what happens to our ability to bond when we’re sexually active with multiple partners. As we bond and break, bond and break, bond and break, we lose our ability to properly bond, and it can really mess with future relationships.”

  “Well, that’s not going to be me,” Hawk said.

  “The really good news is that by changing the way you think and behave, you begin to rebuild a foundation of purity that will prepare you for the kind of marriage I know you want.”

  “I really do. That I even can rebuild a foundation of purity gives me hope. I was really feeling defeated. I should’ve known better. Just because we mess up doesn’t mean we can’t start over.”

  “That’s right. First John 1:9 promises, ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.’”

  Hawk smiled. “It does say that. I like the purify us part. Elliot, thanks. I think this is what I needed to hear. I’ve been so confused about why I can’t get Kennedy out of my mind and heart. There’s a lot here to think about.”

  “You’re a lot deeper person than you let on,” Elliot said. “I’ve known you and watched you grow for the past eight years. I knew when you confessed your affair to your mom and I and Buck that the consequences were going to be painful.”

  “You called that right,” Hawk said. “This is great information. I’ll check out this website.”

  Elliot rose to his feet and stretched his lower back. “You want to come play Mexican Train with us?”

  “You know, I’m just going to sit here awhile and think.”

  Elliot held out his hand and he and Hawk did their fancy handshake.

  “I love you like you were my son,” Elliot said.

  Hawk got up and put his arms around Elliot. “I’m beginning to realize that I love you like I loved my dad.”

  Chapter 36

  December brought the first snow of the season to Foggy Ridge, and evening shoppers were out in droves, admiring the elaborate window displays and choosing gifts for the people on their Christmas lists. The traditional lighted silver bells had been strung across the main avenues, where the trees on both sides of the street glistened with millions of twinkling white lights. Salvation Army bell ringers could be heard on every corner. The huge manger scene that had survived a failed ploy to ban Christmas was prominently displayed on the front lawn of the courthouse. And First Methodist Church, First Baptist, and Praise Chapel had each turned on their sanctuary lights, so their gorgeous stained-glass windows would shine for the outside world.

  Hawk brushed the snow off his black London Fog dress coat and red plaid scarf, then pushed open the glass door and went into Markle’s Specialty Gift Shoppe, where a wonderful spicy citrus fragrance permeated the air. He loved shopping here for all the women in his life. He wanted to get Abby a silver charm to represent her engagement. Jay had told everyone except Abby that he was going to officially propose on Christmas Eve and that he had saved and bought her the ring she had admired at Long’s Jewelers. Hawk hadn’t decided yet what to get the others, but he loved to browse through each of the rooms at Markle’s and was bound to find something just right.

  As he perused the items on a shelf, he heard a familiar clip clop sound and glanced through the window in time to see a horse-drawn carriage go by. He hadn’t missed taking a carriage ride at Christmastime since he was old enough to remember. He returned to his hunt and studied the collectibles on the lighted shelves before working his way around to jewelry. He was intently eyeing a pair of amethyst earrings he knew his mother would love when someone bumped him from behind. He turned around—and stood facing Laura Lynn Parks, whose face was as red as the tassel trim on his plaid scarf.

  “Hello, Laura Lynn,” Hawk said.

  “Uh, sorry I backed into you. I–I wasn’t paying attention.” Laura Lynn’s thick blonde hair fell perfectly over her shoulders. She looked stunning in black velvet pants and an ivory cowl-neck sweater.

  “It’s late in the season for you to be Christmas shopping,” Hawk said.

  “Oh, I’m done,” she said. “I just wanted to get Abby a silver charm for her engagement.”

  Of course you did. “What a great idea,” Hawk said. “Are you enjoying the snow?”

  Laura Lynn smiled. “I am. In fact, I’m getting ready to go on a carriage ride.”

  Hawk glanced over her shoulder at a decent-looking guy holding what appeared to be Laura Lynn’s red coat over his arm.

  “I see you brought your warm Red Riding Hood coat.”

  She stared blankly and then looked behind her, motioning for the guy to come.

  “Hawk Cummings, this is Michael Cooper. Michael and I sing in the choir at Praise Chapel and we’ve been hanging out together for a while now. Hawk i
s Abby’s older brother.”

  Hawk extended his hand and shook Michael’s. “Nice to meet you. I hope you two enjoy your carriage ride.” Hawk was surprised that he didn’t have to fake his sincerity. “Better bundle up or Jack Frost will be nipping at your nose.”

  “Well, pretty lady, our carriage leaves in fifteen minutes,” Michael said, holding up her coat so she could slip her arms in. “We’d better head over to city hall. It was nice meeting you, Hawk.”

  “Same here.” Hawk looked at Laura Lynn. “I guess I’ll be seeing you at all of Abby’s engagement festivities.”

  “I’ll be there,” she said. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas.”

  Hawk went back to admiring the intriguing amethyst earrings, which were a definite maybe. He glanced over his shoulder and watched Laura Lynn and Michael get into a black Land Rover. They seemed suited.

  Hawk was glad that he’d run into them and gotten the awkwardness out of the way, especially since Jay had already asked Hawk to be his best man, and he assumed Abby had chosen Laura Lynn to be her maid of honor.

  Hawk, carrying two shopping bags full of gifts, walked up the hill toward Salisbury’s Market, the snow falling ever so softly. He wondered if he might be the last shopper in town to go home. The sidewalks were empty and there were few cars on the road. He turned around and said in loud voice, “Will the last one to leave please turn out the lights?” He laughed and continued up the hill, his heart filled with Christmas cheer.

  When he shopped at Salisbury’s earlier, he had decided to back his Jeep into a space in the far back row and walk to downtown to avoid the holiday traffic.

  He walked over to his Jeep, one of just two vehicles left in the lot, and opened the door and put his bags on the floor in back.

  The other vehicle, a black Suburban, had pulled out and was coming toward the exit. Its brights were on and Hawk wondered how people could be so inconsiderate.

  He stood on the driver’s side, waiting for the Suburban to slow before it exited so he could tell the driver to dim his lights. But instead of exiting the parking lot, the Suburban pulled in next to him. His heart pounded. Suddenly this didn’t feel right. There wasn’t another person in sight. He was on his own.

  He quickly got inside his Jeep and locked the doors. He turned on the motor and started to put it in gear when he realized his windshield was iced over. He couldn’t see anything. And he knew his defroster wouldn’t clear the thick frost off the windshield for at least ten minutes. Lord, I need Your help!

  Maybe they were thieves who wanted the gifts he had bought. Certainly his life was worth more the contents of two shopping bags. He would gladly surrender them.

  The Suburban driver’s window rolled down. It was definitely a man. He had on a stocking cap and his lips were moving, but Hawk couldn’t understand him with both car motors going.

  Hawk cracked his window and listened, but the man was already getting out of his vehicle.

  Hawk looked down on the floor, even his ball bat wouldn’t help him right now. Lord, give me wisdom, quick. Protect me!

  The guy knocked on the window. “Hawk! It’s me, Reza.”

  Hawk looked up and recognized Reza’s face. He rolled down his window.

  “Man, you scared the fire out of me,” Hawk said, trying to calm down. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m sorry. I did not mean to scare you. I want you to meet someone. Please, come.”

  I almost had a stroke, and he wants me to meet someone? Hawk left his Jeep running with the heater turned on high. He got out and moved next to the Suburban.

  Reza opened the back door. “Please come in and get warm.”

  Hawk slid into the back seat and didn’t see anyone. Reza opened the door to the driver’s side and got in.

  Hawk tried not to sound as irritated as he felt. “Reza, what’s going on? There’s no one here.”

  Reza smiled. “But there is.”

  From out of the darkness behind Hawk, a woman spoke. “Hawk, it’s me. Don’t be scared.”

  “Kennedy?” Hawk’s heart pounded. It couldn’t be. But it had to be. Her voice was unmistakable.

  “I’m coming up there,” she said.

  The smaller middle seat folded down, and the woman climbed through and sat on the other side of the back seat, opposite Hawk. She took out her cell phone and turned on the flashlight.

  Hawk stared at her in disbelief. Was this some kind of cruel joke? Then again, why would Reza be a party to that? “I–I thought you were dead! Romo told me you were dead. That it was classified.”

  “It is classified. But you found out from Reza that I had disappeared once before. I wanted to explain, and then I have to disappear again, but permanently this time. You can never, ever speak to anyone about this, Hawk. Promise me.”

  “I promise,” Hawk said.

  “Tell me what you know,” she said.

  “I know your real name is Abrisham Kermani. I know your mother was American and your father, Dalir, was Iranian. I know you and Reza were engaged to be married when you disappeared the first time. He tried to find out from your aunt and uncle where you were and why you left, until finally they threatened to get a restraining order if he didn’t leave them alone.”

  “All of that’s true. Tell me what you think you know.”

  “I think you and Reza were cheated. I think you belong together. I think your father is or was involved in something big and had enemies. I thought those enemies had kidnapped you, but here you are. How about telling me why you had to disappear without telling me.”

  “I’ll start at the beginning, but I have to talk fast because we can only stay a few minutes. I won’t be able to tell you everything, but it’s for your own safety. My father worked for some people who wanted him to get involved in things that violated his conscience. He refused. So these people killed my mother to force his hand. Of course, I knew nothing about this and believed her death was an accident. My father sent me away to school in Cambridge, where my aunt and uncle lived, and they agreed to be my guardians. Then after some time, these same people wanted my father to do even worse things—dangerous things—and threatened to kill me if he didn’t comply. Reza and I were engaged then, but I was forced to disappear by my father’s closest friend, who feared for my life. He moved me without telling anyone and supported me in secret.”

  “She could not contact me,” Reza said, “because I was being watched by the people her father worked for. She knew they would have tortured me to find out where she was.”

  “I’m sorry, Hawk,” she said, “but I can’t reveal how or why I came to Foggy Ridge. But there’s no record of Kennedy Taylor anywhere. The house was provided for me, and there could be no trail leading to me.”

  “So that’s why you were so mysterious,” Hawk said. “You never told me anything about your background.”

  “Oh, I wanted to. I wanted so much to tell you everything. I trusted you. I still do. But it would only have put you in danger. On the day we watched the sailboat races, some very good people used a drone and drugged us so they could kidnap me and erase any evidence that I was ever there. When I came to and they told me what had happened, it hurt so much because I knew I couldn’t contact you and explain. And God knows, I’d left Reza again without a good-bye or an explanation. I regretted so much that my reaction when I saw Reza after all those years sent him away in tears. But the fact that he found me had put his life and mine in danger. I knew then that I would be moving again. I didn’t know where or when, but that’s why I was overjoyed when you called and said you had Saturday off. I wanted to spend every moment I had left with you.”

  “Where have you been all this time?” Hawk said. “I have grieved your death every day. I couldn’t tell Reza because it was classified.”

  “And I can’t tell you, for the same reason. Believe me, it’s f
or your own safety. I shouldn’t even be here now.”

  “Then why are you?”

  Kennedy’s face suddenly looked radiant. She reached up and took Reza’s left hand and shined the light on two simple gold bands.

  “You’re married?” Hawk said.

  “Yes,” she said, exchanging a loving expression with Reza. “We’ve been married for some months now.”

  “I’m thrilled for you,” Hawk said. “I really am. Wow. This is such great news.”

  “Reza told me everything,” Kennedy said. “I’m so sorry about what happened. But thanks to you, Reza didn’t go to jail or I would never have known where to find him.”

  “So you went back to Cambridge?”

  “Hawk, this is another of those areas I can’t comment on,” she said. “But I want you to know how grateful I am for all you did for Reza because you understood his love for me and mine for him.”

  “It was the right thing to do,” Hawk said. “But I’m not the great guy you think I am. I know you must have figured out that I wasn’t really looking for a long-term relationship. The truth is I was already in a relationship that we hoped would end in marriage. I betrayed her when I got involved with you. After you disappeared, I told her the truth, and we’ve since broken up, but I never thought I would have a chance to tell you the truth. I’m so sorry I deceived you. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “Hawk, I knew,” Kennedy said. “I was in Bella’s Bakery one morning and overheard a pretty blonde talking on the phone to ‘Hawk.’ How many other men do you know with that name? I suspected she was your girlfriend or fiancée. I never asked. I guess I didn’t want to know. What we had together met a need for both of us. I knew it was wrong. It went against everything I believe, and it bothered me for a long time. I’ve asked God to forgive me. Reza said you have too.”

  “I have. I know I have the Lord’s forgiveness. I guess I wanted yours too.”

  She leaned across the seat and kissed his cheek. “You have it.”