Shameless

by Rosanne Bittner

  “Do not preach to me, soldier! Always you talk down to me, as though you were my father. I am my own man! I make my own decisions!”

  “Yes, and very stupid ones! What happened to you after your sister was caught? Why did you ride off when you weren’t even sure if she was behind you?”

  “What else could I do?” Emilio raged, clenching his fists. “You attacked us so quickly. Before I knew it she was in the hands of the soldiers, and most of Mike’s men were dead except for me and Carlos. There was nothing we could do!”

  Nina felt Clay stiffen. “If it had been my sister, I would have thought of something! I think your loyalty is good only to a point, Emilio. Then you come first, and to hell with everyone else, including your own sister!”

  “It is not like that!” Emilio gripped the butt of the revolver he wore around his hips. “Damn you, you lying gringo! You have turned her against me, haven’t you! You wanted her the first time you laid eyes on her. You will take her to Mexico and use her body until you tire of her, and then you will abandon her, after she has learned to hate me!”

  Clay charged into the man, grabbing his wrist as Emilio prepared to pull out his gun. Nina gasped at the realization that Emilio had meant to use the gun on Clay. The two of them wrestled for a moment. Clay swung the younger, lighter man around and slammed his wrist against the iron bedpost. Emilio cried out and the gun fell from his hand. Clay grasped the front of his shirt then and slammed Emilio against a wall.

  “You’re drunk!” he growled. “You don’t have any idea what you’re saying! I love her, damn you! You should be thanking me she isn’t rotting away in that jail in Santa Fe or that she wasn’t caught by Clyde Boone and raped and murdered! I gave up my own freedom for her! I might never be able to live in my own country again, but I don’t care. I intend to spend my life with Nina, and all she has talked about all the way here was hoping you would stop your outlaw ways and come with us to Mexico! Personally, I don’t think you’re worth the time of day, Emilio, but the offer is still open, for Nina’s sake!”

  Emilio’s breathing came hard and fast, his eyes blazing. “Let go of me, gringo!” he sneered.

  “Not until you promise not to do something stupid!”

  Nina picked up the pistol, her eyes misty, her heart heavy. She looked at Emilio. “You were going to shoot my husband!” she said in disbelief.

  Clay slowly let go of Emilio, but watched him closely as the young man stood there panting. “He cannot be good for you,” he seethed. “How could you marry a man who is so much like those we have always hated—the same man who captured you and nearly got you hanged!”

  Nina raised her chin, her own anger and hurt running deep. “That has all been explained to you. I do not blame him for my capture. I blame myself, for agreeing to ride with you into such dangerous country. I trusted you, Emilio, and suddenly you were gone. Clay saved my life, and my honor. You were not there. You were here, riding with more outlaws, drinking whiskey! You have changed, Emilio. It is the whiskey that has done it. You must stop drinking. Please come with us. End this life you are leading.”

  He smiled in a sneer, shaking his head. “I can see your blue-eyed lover has turned your head. He wants you to hate me, don’t you see that? He wants you totally to himself. He does not want me to come to Mexico with you.”

  “That isn’t true, Emilio,” Clay said, slowly letting go of him. “All the way here I was hoping this would go smoothly, for Nina’s sake. Don’t break her heart by making her leave you behind. For God’s sake, if you truly love your sister, come with us to Mexico. Don’t do this to her.”

  Emilio looked from Nina to Clay and back to Nina. “She is the one who has betrayed me.” He sniffed and straightened his shirt where Clay had grasped it. He stepped closer to Nina. “All those years I cared for you, risked my life for you. You never went hungry or without proper clothes. I could not help what happened in New Mexico, and I felt so bad about it, Nina. When Carmell told me you were here, safe and free, I was filled with joy, until she told me you betrayed our people by marrying a gringo soldier, the very man who took you away from me in the first place. Now he will take you away again, and he makes you hate me.”

  Nina shook her head, her eyes tearing more. “I do not hate you, Emilio. I could never hate you. And I am grateful for all you did for me. Nothing can change the fact that you are my brother, and for that reason alone I will always honor you, but I have a new life now. I am a woman, and I have taken a husband. You know I have wanted to settle in one place for a long time, but I still want to be with my brother. Please come with us.”

  He shook his head. “I would only be in the way. And I have no desire to scratch in the earth for survival the way our father did! I have found a better way! I will not return to that boring life, working under a man who preaches to me as though he owns me. He owns you. That is bad enough! I will not be humiliated by living on our own land with a gringo laying claim to it and telling me what to do!”

  A tear slipped down Nina’s cheek. “It is partly my fault you live as you do now. If you had not had to find a way to provide for me in those early years—”

  “Stop it, Nina!” Clay ordered. “It’s no one’s fault but his own! He could have gotten honest work at any time. He had plenty of chances! He chose this life and you had nothing to do with it!”

  Emilio held Nina’s eyes. “And now you must choose,” he sneered. “If you stay with this man, you probably will not see me again. For the first time in our lives we will choose different paths and no longer be together.”

  Nina shook her head. “It does not have to be that way, mi hermano. You simply have to come with us. We could be happy together.”

  He straightened more, looking defiant. “I will not go back there. I have new friends here now, and you have a husband.” He spoke the word bitterly. “I can see what your choice is. You think I am a fool, but you are the fool, for marrying a man who will one day tire of you and abandon you. Then what will you do? You may not be able to find me again. Perhaps you will have children to feed and clothe, and no man to help you.”

  “That’s enough, Emilio,” Clay warned. “Get out of here!”

  Emilio looked sadly at Nina. “Give me my gun.”

  “Not until you are outside the door,” she answered, holding his eyes boldly. “You have insulted my husband and were ready to kill him. I could have forgiven you for everything else. I wanted so much for you to come with us, but I can see you no longer know right from wrong. You no longer are a man of courage and honor, and I am ashamed! You have embarrassed me in front of Clay, and I, too, would like you to leave. You are not the brother who raised me. You are a different man, changed by whiskey and the bad company you keep. Go then! We have made our offer, and you turned it down! Go to your outlaw friends! Keep your whiskey for company! Your friends and your whiskey will not love you as I love you. A long time ago Clay told me you had learned to love this life, that it was all that was important to you. Now I understand what he meant!”

  Their eyes held a moment longer until Emilio turned away, heading for the door. He opened it, then held out his hand. “I want my gun.”

  Nina walked closer, holding it out. “Yes. You will need it every day of your life now, won’t you? You will not live to be an old man, Emilio.”

  He took the gun, glancing at Clay once more. “That day in Texas when we tried to sell the horses to you, I never thought that it would lead to this.” He looked at Nina. “That my sister, of all people, would marry a blue-eyed gringo soldier, the kind of man who raped her own mother!”

  He left, slamming the door, and Nina stared after him, feeling sick inside. Clay’s chest tightened. Had Emilio planted seeds of doubt in Nina’s heart? Would she again look at him as though he was her enemy? It had taken so long to win her trust. How he hated Emilio for putting her in the middle, making her feel she was betraying her own people and her own brother. Nina looked at him then, and his fears were erased. The love and trust was still th
ere. They had conquered their last obstacle.

  “I would like to leave in the morning,” she told him.

  Clay stepped closer. “I’m sorry, Nina.”

  “Do not be sorry. It is not I who has made the choice, it is Emilio. There is nothing more either of us can do. I am sorry that he spoke so cruelly and behaved so badly.”

  Clay drew her into his arms. “I would never leave you, Nina.”

  “I know.” She wrapped her arms around him, her eyes stinging with tears again, her heart aching. “Just take me home, Clay. I want some peace, some time to live a normal life. I want to have babies and cook and sit beside my own hearth.”

  He smiled softly, kissing her hair. “We will leave right away.” He sighed deeply. “I guess Carmell was right about Emilio being a changed man. I think tonight it was mostly the whiskey talking, but even without it, he’s probably too proud to come with us, but we had to try.”

  “Sí. Gracias, mi querido.” She looked up at him, and he kissed her tears.

  “I’m the one who thanks you,” he said softly. “I know how hard that was for you, Nina. I know what Emilio always meant to you, and I would never ask you to stop loving him. I just want you to understand that it can never be the way it used to be, and that it is no one’s fault but Emilio’s—not yours and not mine.”

  “I do understand.” She dropped her eyes and drew away, beginning to undress. “We had better sleep so we can get an early start.”

  Clay walked over to lock the door, then closed the curtains and undressed, glancing at her as she removed her clothes and put on her nightgown, wanting her, yet knowing that tonight her heart was too heavy with sorrow to make love. He turned down the lantern and climbed into bed with her, the springs squeaking as he drew her into his arms.

  “I am sorry,” she told him. “I do not feel like—”

  “I know. Just sleep, Nina.” He brushed the hair back from her face until he felt her resting calmly, heard her breathing deepen. She was finally asleep.

  Outside Emilio crossed the street, then looked up at the second story of the hotel where his sister slept with her new husband. “A gringo!” he growled. When Clay Youngblood was only an acquaintance who had let them go free once, he had thought him a reasonably decent man. He could tolerate any gringo as long as he kept their hands off his sister. But to have Nina married to the very kind of man who for years had been their worst enemy was a bitter pill to swallow. Besides that, Carlos had always been fond of Nina. He would be very hurt to learn she was married, let alone married to the very blue-eyed soldier who had captured her.

  Now they would go to Mexico! The gringo would live on his parents’ land, make money from it, sleep with his sister! It didn’t seem right. “That land also belongs to me,” he sneered. “You had better remember that, Lieutenant Youngblood!” He turned and headed for the Pecos. He needed another drink.

  “It is not much, is it?” Nina sat on her horse on a rise, looking down on the sad little farm she called her true home. In the few places where grass would grow, it was so high that it was bent over from the hot wind that blew dust in great cloudy swirls where the ground was bare.

  Clay dismounted, quietly scanning the broken-down outbuildings and the small stucco house that had no glass in its windows. “How many rooms are there in the house?” he asked.

  “Duo cuartos,” Nina answered. “Uno cuarto es sala y cocina. Uno cuarto es—”

  “Tell me in English.”

  A lump rose in her throat. He was disappointed, she could tell. “You told me…to speak in my own language as much as possible so that you could learn, too.”

  “I know. But right now I just want some answers, and I don’t want to have to stand here and try to figure out what you’re saying.”

  She blinked back tears. He would hate it here, she was sure. This was not home to him. “I said…there are two rooms. One is a main room, mostly just a kitchen with table and chairs and a fireplace. Emilio and I used to sleep there in one corner. The other room is the bedroom, where my parents slept.” She sniffed. “I am sorry. It is even worse than you expected, isn’t it? I wish I came from a wealthy Spanish family,” she added, looking out over the property longingly. “My father would have given me away to you at a grand wedding, and it would have been celebrated with a fiesta that would have lasted for days, with singing and dancing and eating, and with piñatas for the children. My father would have given you all the land you needed as a wedding gift, perhaps even fine horses.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “My new husband would be proud. He would love his wife even more for the fine family he married into and for—”

  “Stop it, Nina.” Clay turned, walking closer to her. “I am proud, just to call you my wife. You’re the most beautiful woman in Mexico, and it’s easy to picture you a wealthy señora overseeing a magnifico hacienda. And that is exactly what you’ll be doing someday soon.” He reached up, grasping her about the waist and lifting her down. “Just think, at least this way you know I married you simply because I love you, not for any money you might have.”

  She looked up at him. “I just…I love you so, Clay. I would be so proud to be able to give you something. A man does not usually marry just for love. He marries someone who can increase his riches, someone who—”

  He put a finger to her lips. “This man marries only the woman, whether or not she has anything else to offer him besides her own beauty and goodness. I can tell your parents were good people, Nina. That’s all that matters. And you have given me something. This piece of land is better than no land at all, and we at least have a ready built house.” He looked past her at greener land to the east of her property. “Who owns the land around you?”

  Nina quickly wiped at her eyes, glancing in the direction where he looked. “Old Juan Sanchez. Much of his land is good, mainly because he has a little stream running through it and he has a good well. He is a stubborn old man. He will not sell you any land if that is what you are thinking, not unless you wish to spend more than it is worth. Emilio and I tried many times to get some land from him, but we never had enough money.”

  Clay left her then, putting his hands on his hips and scanning the neighboring property. “Well, I do have a bit of money, and I intend to have a little talk with Señor Sanchez. We’ll get some of that land, Nina, and next we’ll go out and round up some mustangs and start raising horses. We’ll plant our own food, fix up the house and outbuildings.” He turned, looking in another direction. “All this place needs is to be occupied, used. Where is Guerrero?”

  She watched him, her heart swelling with love. “It is about three miles to the southwest.”

  He turned and gathered the reins of the horses, then put an arm around her as he started down the gentle hill that led to the house. “We’ll get settled in, then go there tomorrow to buy up some supplies. Then I intend to pay a visit to old Juan.”

  They passed a small area squared off with stones, two grave mounds within the area over-grown with weeds. Nina stopped and left Clay, walking into the area to pull at some of the over-growth. “I need to clean this up, plant some flowers here. My mother loved flowers.” She looked up at him, her eyes misty. “Do you think we could put real headstones here?”

  Clay watched her sadly. “Anything that you want.”

  She looked back at the graves. “Gracias, mi querido.” She touched one of the mounds then. “What do you think my mother would think of me marrying a gringo from the United States…a soldier even?”

  “I don’t know, Nina, but from what you have told me, I think she would have understood. I have a feeling your parents were people who judged others on their own merit, not because of their skin color or where they came from. And they would have understood what you have to understand…that the war is over and that we can’t let our past destroy our future.”

  She rose, turning to look at him. “Sí.” She walked up and hugged him. “I will make the best home for you here that I can, Clay. I know it is hard for you to leave y
our own country.”

  He moved an arm around her again and led her toward the house. “Maybe someday we can go back. But for now, this is home. I might learn to love it so much and we might build it into such a grand hacienda that we won’t ever want to leave. The important thing is we’re together, and we’re safe now.”

  Nina thought of Emilio. He wasn’t safe. He had chosen to stay in El Paso, was running with another wild bunch of men. Would she ever hear from her brother or see him again? It was strange to come here to the old farm without him. The morning she and Clay had left El Paso, Emilio had only stood in front of the Pecos and watched them ride away, staring at them sullenly, his dangerous-looking friends standing with him and looking threateningly at Clay. Even Carlos had glared hatefully. For now Nina was glad they were far away.

  They tied their horses and went inside the house. Simple furniture was scattered about—a wooden table and chairs, a bench, one upholstered sofa that looked slightly tattered. Some dishes and pans rested on homemade shelves. The pantry near the fireplace, its doors open, exposed empty shelves that Clay decided then and there would be filled with food within a few days. This main room would have rugs on the floor, and would have all new furniture, maybe some pictures on the walls. He would give Nina money to buy curtains, and he would have real glass put into the window openings.

  He walked to the bedroom, while Nina sat down sadly in a chair. Everything in the house was covered with dust. There was much work to be done. Clay came back into the room, walking to the door and outside for a moment, coming back with a blanket in his hand. He walked up to her and took her hand. “Come here,” he said, then pulled her into the bedroom, opening the blanket and spreading it over the mattress on the iron bed. “This thing has real springs. The mattress is a little dusty. We’ll drag it out later and give it a good beating, but right now the blanket will keep the dust away from us.” He turned, and Nina frowned.