A Dollar and A Dream

by Carl Weber, La Jill Hunt, Angel Hunter; Dwayne S. Joseph

  When I pulled up to Dana’s house, I was going to let her have it. I walked in the house and looked around. “Where are the kids?”

  “Tina took them to the store. They’ll be right back.”

  I must have had a frown on my face because she asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Why did you give Ricky my number to give to Understanding?”

  Placing her hands on her hips, she asked me, “What the hell are you talking about? First of all, I wouldn’t give Ricky your number, and I certainly wouldn’t give it to him to give to Understanding. He must have gotten it off my Caller ID. So I think you owe me an apology.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come out my face like that. It’s just that he called me, demanding to see Queen. I hung up on his ass.”

  “You can’t keep hanging up on him or walking away from him. You do know that, right?”

  “I know.”

  “You’re going to have to let him see his child sooner or later.”

  “I know. I know, but I want to be able to do it on my own time, when I’m ready, not when he’s ready.”

  “If he knows your number, then he probably knows where you live.”

  Before I could respond, Tina and the kids walked into the house. “Did you kids have fun with Ms. Tina?”

  “You mean Aunt Tina,” Queen informed me.

  I just laughed and said, “Yes, Aunt Tina.”

  “They always have fun with me,” Tina said.

  I paid her for watching them and told Dana that I’d call her later.

  When I pulled up to my house, who was sitting on the porch? None other than Understanding. This was the last thing I expected.

  “Stay in the car,” I told the kids while climbing out. “What the hell are you doing here uninvited,” I asked him with all the fury I could muster up.

  “You hung up on me.”

  “So? I didn’t appreciate you getting all in my business.”

  “I was just letting you know I know what you’ve been up to.”

  “And who told you my business, your nosy-ass sister?”

  Understanding looked in the direction of the car. “Why did you leave the kids in the car?”

  “Why do you think?”

  Laughing, he said, “You really think you can keep Queen away from me?”

  He started walking toward the car. Please God, I thought to myself, why is this man trying to cause a scene. I followed behind him, begging, “Please don’t do this, not yet, give me a day or two to prepare her.”

  He paid me no mind. He had his hand on the door handle, the kids were all looking at him; even Queen had yet to recognize him.

  “All right, I’ll give you until tomorrow to talk to her. I’ll be by around 8 P.M. and I’m telling you, you better be here.”

  “I will.”

  “I’m not playing, Isis.”

  “I said I’ll be here. Now please, just leave.”

  He stood there looking at me for a second or two. Before walking away, he said, “You’re still fine as hell, you know that, don’t you.”

  I ignored this statement. I also didn’t let the kids out of the car until he got into whomever’s vehicle he was driving.

  “Who was that, don’t I know him?” Queen asked.

  “Yeah, who was that?” the boys repeated.

  I didn’t answer them.

  That night I lay in my bed trying to find a way to tell Queen about her father. Tyrone was in the room with the boys, reading them a bedtime story. Once again, he was staying the night. I found myself letting him do that a lot lately.

  “So how was your day?” he asked when he came into the room and sat on the bed next to me.

  “It was the day from hell.”

  “Why is that?”

  Taking a deep breath, I told him, “Understanding came by here today.”

  Confused, he asked, “Queen’s father? I thought he was in jail.”

  “Well, obviously he’s out,” I snapped, and felt bad immediately because there was no reason for me to be nasty to this man. All he did was ask me how my day went.

  “You know what, I’m going to excuse the fact that you just snapped at me. You’re upset.”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right, I am upset. It was just a shock seeing him.”

  “What did he want?”

  “To see Queen.”

  “Did you let him?”

  “We’d just gotten home and he was on the porch. I made her stay in the car.”

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  “What can I do? He’s coming back tomorrow to see her. I can’t keep him away from her. I begged him to give me a day to talk to her.”

  “Well, have you?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Don’t you think you need to?”

  “Yeah.” I stood up.

  “You want me to come with you?”

  “No, this is something I have to do on my own.”

  That was one of the things I loved but at the same time hated about Tyrone: he liked to talk about things, discuss and dissect. If left to me, I just keep it all in.

  When I walked into Queen’s room, I noticed immediately that she had my old photo album out and was staring at a picture of me, her, and Understanding when she was a baby.

  “That was my daddy, wasn’t it? The man that was on the porch this morning, the one you told to go away.”

  Damn, I thought I had put that photo album up.

  “Why did you tell him to go away, Mommy? Was he here to see me?”

  Sitting next to her on the bed, I was honest and told her, “Yes, he was.”

  “Then why didn’t you let him?”

  Wow, she wanted to know why I hadn’t let her see him. How could I tell her that I didn’t think I would be able to handle it? How could I tell her it was because I hated him and he broke my heart? How could I tell her it was because of issues I had with him that had nothing to do with her? Kids are something else; they don’t care about right or wrong, they just want to be loved.

  It’s obvious Understanding cared about her, because in reality, he didn’t have to come over. He didn’t even have to let me know he was home. When he saw me in the club, he didn’t have to say a word to me.

  “I don’t know, baby, I didn’t think you would want to.”

  “Why wouldn’t I want to? Tyrone sees his daddy all the time, me and Trey never see ours.”

  What could I say other than, “He’s coming back tomorrow.”

  She jumped up off the bed and went to her closet. “I have to pick out something to wear. I want to look pretty for him, maybe that way he won’t disappear again.”

  It took everything in my power not to cry. I stood up and we picked out an outfit together—me praying that he would show up.

  “So how did it go?” Tyrone asked when I climbed into bed next to him.

  “She’s excited,” I told him, not really wanting to talk about it.

  Opening his arms, he asked me for a kiss.

  I gladly gave in. Maybe some passionate love-making was just what I needed to make me feel better. Tyrone is the best lover I’ve had. He is attentive, and eager to satisfy and please me. Even after four years, he made sure I was pleased and got mine before he got his. Who could ask for anything more? He would kiss and lick every part of my body. Why couldn’t I love him back? Fear, plain and simple.

  The following day, the kids and I went to the grocery store. While I was paying for my food, I pulled out the piece of paper with the lottery numbers on it. I started to ball it up when I thought, What the heck, might as well play it. What could it hurt? After all, the lottery was up to eleven million dollars. Like Shantay said, you never know.

  I went into the pharmacy and played the numbers Shantay gave me along with the three I added. All the time thinking, Who am I fooling? I’m not going to win.

  Walking toward my car, I was surprised to hear someone calling my name. I turned around and Lavert, the basketball player, was
coming my way.

  “Isis. How are you?” He looked even taller in the daytime.

  “Wow, you’re big,” TJ said.

  “So, these are your children?” He bent down to shake their hands.

  “Yep.”

  Standing up, he asked, “So, how come you haven’t called me?”

  “I thought you were only in town for a couple of days.”

  “I was, but I’m back visiting. So, are you going to let me take you out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner?”

  Thinking about Understanding’s visit tonight, I told him it wouldn’t be a good night.

  “How about tomorrow?”

  “I’d like that.”

  The kids were listening to every word.

  “Do you still have my number?”

  “Yes.”

  “Call me, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  As I climbed in the car I felt all giddy inside. It must have shown on my face because Queen asked me, “Who was that?”

  “Just someone I met.”

  “Do you like him?”

  “I just met him, sweetie.”

  “Well, he likes you. I can tell.”

  “Okay, Ms. Observant.”

  “What about my daddy?” Malik asked.

  I didn’t answer him, I turned the radio on and up and drove home.

  Queen was driving me crazy. Every five minutes she was asking me if her daddy would be here soon.

  We waited and waited, eight came and went, then eight-thirty, then nine, and he still wasn’t knocking on the door. Can you believe that? After all the mental anguish he put me through, he had the audacity not to show up.

  I went from anger to heartache when Queen looked at me and asked, “Why doesn’t my daddy love me, what did I do?”

  I put my arms around her and told her, “You didn’t do anything, sweetie. He does love you. That’s why he insisted on seeing you today. Something must have happened.”

  I know I didn’t make her feel any better because she moved away from me and ran into her room, slamming the door behind her.

  I couldn’t wait for Tyrone to get here because I was going to Understanding’s sister’s house to find out where the hell he was staying if not with her. You don’t break my little girl’s heart and expect everything to be okay.

  I knocked on Queen’s door. Not waiting for a response, I peeked inside and asked her if she was okay.

  “My feelings are just hurt,” she said.

  “Can I come in?”

  “I just want to be alone right now.” She sounded just like a teenager, I thought to myself.

  These kids today grow up so fast. When Shantay and I were growing up, half the stuff these kids said, knew, and did, we didn’t know and weren’t exposed to. Television is off the hook; with all the cursing and nudity that goes on, all you can do is tell your children that’s not how you walk, talk, or behave, and hope they listen. All that bullshit about not letting your children watch television or listen to the radio is unrealistic. Motherhood is hard, especially when it’s just one of you. Once I had children, it made me appreciate my mother even more.

  Growing up, my sister and I didn’t know our father, and I have to say that it had an effect on us. I know it did on me. I was always looking for love in all the wrong places. Trying to find that man that would give me what I thought was missing in my life. Understanding and Trey each had a part in them I thought my father might have. Understanding was strict, possessive, and always telling me what to do. That’s what a father did, or so I thought. Trey was compassionate, loving, and thoughtful, he babied me—that is, until he got caught up out there. That’s the type of father I wanted to have. Of course, at the time I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.

  Whenever we asked about our father, my mother would just say, “He left us.” As if that was all we needed to know. Well, he must have left and come back in time to get her pregnant again. I keep telling myself, I’m going to look for him, his name is on my birth certificate. I’m just afraid of what I might find. I sometimes wonder if I look like him at all, if he has other children, if I have any brothers and sisters walking around. How he would feel if he saw me. I know that I could relate to how my daughter was feeling—rejected and neglected.

  When Tyrone arrived at my house that night, I told him about Understanding not showing up.

  “So what are you going to do about it?”

  “I’m going to run out and go over to his sister’s to see if she knows where he’s staying. Then I’m going to go confront his ignorant ass.”

  “Do you think that’s wise?”

  “Do I think it’s wise? Hell, I’m not the one who started this shit. He’s the one that came over here insisting on seeing her. I told him ‘no’ because I had a feeling something like this was going to happen. I’d rather not have him in her life at all than have him popping in and popping out.”

  “Are you sure about that? A child needs both parents.”

  “Yes, I agree with that, but a child can’t be played with like a yo-yo either.”

  “How about I come with you?”

  I touched his face. I knew he was trying to protect me, but I told him no, I wanted to handle this on my own.

  When I pulled up to YoYo’s house, the car Understanding had come over in was parked on the street. I hoped that meant he was here. I walked up to the house and banged on the door. There was music playing in the background. I knocked again; no one came to the door, so I peeked in the window and spotted Understanding on the couch with some skank-looking bitch sitting on his lap, giggling and shit. This pissed me off even more, so I banged on the window as hard as I could without breaking it.

  This caught their attention. Understanding looked up at the window, and there I was, standing with my hands on my hips and a frown on my face.

  Jumping up and snatching the door open, he said, “What the f—”

  I didn’t even let him finish, I just smacked him across the face. Once I realized what I’d done, I was ready to run, let me tell you. I didn’t know what this man was or wasn’t capable of anymore. But I didn’t run, I stood my ground. “Is this…this…”—I was pointing at the skank ho—“more important than your daughter? You come over begging me to let you see her and…”

  The skank ho came and stood next to him, asking, “Who is this?” She had entirely too much attitude in her voice. I must have looked like I was about to smack her too, because Understanding told her, “Go sit your ass down.”

  She sat down and I continued on my rampage. “Like I was saying, you practically begged me to let you come see your daughter tonight and you don’t even show up. She’s home crying her little eyes out, talking about how come you don’t love her, and what am I suppose to tell her?”

  He opened his mouth to say something, but there was nothing he could say that I wanted to hear. I threw my hands up and said, “Nothing you can say will make this any better. You’re here about to get your dick sucked and your little girl is home crying. That’s the problem with you men, you say one thing and do the opposite.”

  Interrupting me, Understanding said, “Listen, let’s just go now.”

  “Let’s just go now? You think it’s that simple?”

  “I fucked up, Isis, what more do you want me to say? I’m sorry, damn. I do want to see my daughter. A brother just got his priorities a little mixed up, that’s all. I’ve been on lockdown for almost seven years and got offered some pussy. What you think, that a brother was going to turn it down?”

  When he said that foul shit, I was through. I looked at him with such disgust, I’m sure he felt it. “You know what? Forget you,” I said and turned around to walk away.

  He followed me. “Wait, Isis. Wait.”

  I ignored him.

  “I’ll meet you at your house. Okay, let me get rid of my company and I’ll meet you at your house.”

  At this point I didn’t believe a word he said. I just climbed in my car.

  When I arrived hom
e, Tyrone and Queen were sitting on the couch, the boys were gathered at his feet, and they were watching videos.

  They all looked up when I entered. “How did it go?” Tyrone asked.

  “It went,” I said and kissed everyone on the cheek before going into my room to take a deep breath.

  A short while later Tyrone came into the room and hugged me from behind.

  I looked at him and felt something I didn’t want to acknowledge—love. Damn, damn, damn. That’s the last thing I wanted. Maybe I would go out with Lavert, to distract me from this emotion.

  Looking at up him, I was about to say something when the doorbell rang. Together we walked into the living room to find Understanding standing with Queen.

  “He came, Mommy, he came.” Queen’s voice was filled with such joy and excitement that I didn’t have the nerve to tell him to leave.

  Tyrone walked up to Understanding and told him, “Don’t start anything you can’t finish.”

  Understanding looked like he wanted to punch him in the face, so I stepped forward and told Tyrone, Trey, and Malik to go into the kitchen and leave Queen alone with her father.

  “I thought maybe I could take her with me to my sister’s,” Understanding said.

  “Oh, please, Mommy, can I go?”

  Now that was one request I wasn’t giving in to. “Not tonight, maybe another time.”

  “Why not, Ma?”

  “Yeah, why not?” Understanding asked.

  “Because I said so and that’s reason enough. Now either it’s in here, in my house, in my living room now, or it can just be another day in here, in my house, or not at all.”

  Tyrone grabbed hold of my hand and I realized my voice was getting louder.

  “The choice is yours, Understanding,” I said as I walked toward the kitchen with my crew behind me.

  “When is my daddy going to come see me?” TJ asked.

  This was the last thing I needed. “I don’t know.” I sat down at the table.

  “Why don’t the boys go to their room instead of sitting in here with us?” Tyrone asked.

  While the kids were in their bedroom, I sat as close to the opening of the kitchen as I could to listen to what Understanding was saying to Queen.