Tamsin

by D J Cook

“Are you talking to yourself again?” Callum walked in from the bathroom. I just sat there. Motionless. The only movement were the tears streaming down my face.

  CHAPTER TEN

  It's hard to describe heartache. Is it a pain in your chest or is it a numbness or an ache? I know how I felt. I felt like two children were fighting over a piece of Play-Doh, pulling and yanking at it in turn. The thing with Play-Doh is that it doesn’t return to its original shape by itself. My heart had been torn once or twice before, but I was completely unaware that it was about to break in two.

  I couldn’t talk. I was speechless. Lifeless. Lifeless on the outside, but losing my mind on the inside. No matter how hard I tried, there was no switch I could flick to stop the thoughts from spinning around in my head. It felt like the car was in motion for hours. My senses amplified the haze around me as if my body were fighting to keep itself alive. Adrenaline rushed through my body and yet time seemed to stand still. Callum placed his hand on my lap, comforting me while pulling me from my subconscious. I’d not seen him drive that way before. It was dangerous, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to drive faster. I needed him to know how much I loved him, but the lump in my throat was growing, stopping my every word. I guess that didn’t matter. All that mattered was Mum. I wondered if she’d be pretending to cope with the pain, like she had for so long. As I continued to drown in my own thoughts, trying desperately to catch my breath, time stopped around me once more.

  I clambered out of the car before Callum could align it between the tight spaces and frantically weaved my way across the car park. I stood at the entrance, filled with panic. The signs merged into a blurred mess as sweat dripped from my forehead, down my face as if I was crying. I wasn’t crying. I was too anxious to cry. Callum caught up and grabbed my hand, leading me down a corridor that stretched on as far as the eye could see. The disinfectant smell was as eerily accurate as the hospital smell in my dream. My stomach churned.

  My dream was coming true.

  I struggled to catch my breath as fumes from the disinfectant choked my lungs. I was living in a nightmare, yet not even Callum pulling me through the hospital could wake me. People, doors and hospital beds seemed to pass slowly, like a scene from The Matrix, as bullets passed in a blur. They were lucky. They could dodge the bullets that were being fired, but I’d been hit. Being here was like a bullet had struck me in the chest.

  Mum. There she was lying on the bed. I was awake yet my nightmare was only just beginning. I couldn’t bear to count the tubes and wires attached to her arms and chest. An oxygen mask covered her face as she struggled to inhale. I let go of Callum's hand after my nails had pierced his skin, and ran over to the hospital bed.

  “Mum,” I croaked. I could barely speak. All I wanted to do was comfort her, to tell her how much I loved her. I could only manage to hold her hand. My head fell to her shoulder gently. She pulled the clear mask off her face.

  “I’m okay, Tamsin. Drugs,” she said in between breaths, pointing to one of the tubes that fed her medication.

  “What happened?” Liam sat twiddling his thumbs as if it was the only helpful thing he could do.

  “The morning you left she kept on getting wheezy, so we gave her the inhaler as usual, but nothing was making it go away. I called an ambulance early this morning because she was really struggling. They said it was best to take her in.” Liam spoke slowly, trying to stay calm. He was shaking, still playing with his thumbs nervously. I could tell he didn’t want to be in the hospital as much as Mum.

  “So, it’s a chest infection then?” I tried to diagnose her to make myself feel better. It didn’t work. I knew any type of infection couldn’t be good, especially for someone with cancer.

  “I’m not sure. I guess we’ve just got to wait,” Liam said uncertainly as I looked back at Mum. She smiled weakly at me, and likely wanted me to stop talking about her and talk about the spa. I smiled back and sat at her side. I knew what I had to do. I buried my emotions as deep as I could and spoke. I rambled about everything, something I was very good at. I knew she was happy. Mum’s face brightened as I told her about the spa. I didn’t need her to say anything.

  “I love you lots and lots, like Jelly Tots,” I said, holding onto her hand like it was going to be the last time.

  “Don’t speak… It’s okay.” I held back my tears for her. It was the least I could do. My gaze turned to the corner of the room where Callum was holding onto Liam. He was feeling as much pain as I was. They were both talking quietly, under the beeping of the machinery, but I could only see Callum’s lips moving as his head rested on Liam’s shoulder.

  “I’m gonna go. Callum’s here for you and I’m at the other end of the phone if you need anything. Just remember that she’s in the best place right now.” Liam wrapped his arms around me. His tight grasp lingered. He didn’t want to leave me. I nodded back, emotion backed up in my throat in the form of tears, and Liam left. I hadn't seen a serious side to Liam in a long time, not since the beginning of university anyway.

  Callum stood calmly at the other side of Mum’s bed, his hands tucked together, which made up for the angst I had every time someone walked past the room. I craved answers.

  A nurse in a blue gown approached us with a grin, took Mum’s chart from the bottom of the bed and checked the tubes and screens surrounding her. She didn’t say much at first, not until she had scribed her notes in the file. I wanted to snatch it off her to find out what was really happening.

  “Tamsin, is it? My name’s Rose.” I anxiously stood up and started pacing back and forth within my own little bubble. "The doctor is ready to speak to you. Would you mind following me?”

  “I’ll wait here, T. Everything will be okay. I promise,” Callum said reassuringly.

  “Can Callum come, too?” I couldn’t remember her name. Beads of sweat rolled down my forehead, yet my hands were as cold as ice.

  “If that’s what you want? Of course he can come.” Rose led us through to a small airy room, decorated with bright colours and filled with comfy chairs.

  “I’ll go and get the doctor and tell him you’re ready. Take a seat and I will be back in a mo.” I didn’t want to sit. I was too nervous. I’d go crazy. I walked. Even when I found myself on the phone I would pace around the room.

  The doctor walked in just minutes later with Rose following, and they shut the door behind them.

  It’s not good news then.

  I couldn’t stay positive. There was not a chance. I had to prepare myself.

  “Hi, Tamsin, I'm Dr Vasir. I will get straight down to it, if that’s okay?” I nodded anxiously. “Your mum is very ill. We’ve run some tests and it seems the cancer is now at Stage 4, which means it has spread. In your mum’s case, it has spread to her lungs. I’m sorry, Tamsin. I know it's difficult to hear, but there is very little we can do for her now, other than to make her comfortable.”

  “It’s not a chest infection?” I had to ask. Just once more. Maybe he’d made a mistake.

  “It’s not, I’m sorry. We will make sure she feels as little pain as possible, okay?” Rose placed her arm on my shoulder to comfort me. When Mum had got ill, she’d said if she ever had to go to hospital, she wouldn’t be coming home. She was right, as always. I hated that, and especially this time, I wanted everyone to be wrong. I wanted to take her home and make her food. I wanted her at my graduation. I needed her, for me.

  “Do you have an idea of how long she has?” I hated saying those words. Pain struck my body in the form of lightning bolts with my chest taking the brunt of the strikes.

  “Based on her current condition, it’s unlikely she will make it through the night,” the doctor said, barely maintaining his composure. As the words came out of his mouth, I regretted asking. I didn’t need him to put a time on the inevitable. I needed to be back with Mum. Callum got up and shook the doctor’s hand before he swiftly left. Rose stayed behind, trying to do the impossible, but not even Callum could comfort me.

  “You can st
ay in this room as long as you’d like.”

  If anything, I just wanted to get back to Mum as quickly as possible. If she wasn’t going to make it through the night, I wanted to be by her side every chance I got. Every minute possible.

  I sat on the edge of the hospital bed and clung to her, out of breath after rushing back to her side. She wasn’t awake, and her breathing was shallow as if the pain was suffocating her. I wanted to wake her up so we could spend time together. I wanted us to go to the zoo together just one last time. I needed her to tell me how much she loved me, even though I knew. I begged for a miracle as I looked at her almost lifeless body. Less than an hour had passed, and as she deteriorated fast, I knew this time there would be no miracle.

  If you love them that much, let them go.

  I was selfish to beg for a miracle. Selfish to ask her to stay in pain for me, to stay longer so I could prepare for what was about to come. I couldn’t. I really didn’t want her to go, but I was selfish to want her to stay.

  I watched her chest rise and fall as she took slow deep breaths. I drove myself into a state of insanity, counting the seconds in-between.

  Fifteen seconds.

  Twenty-four seconds.

  Thirty-seven seconds.

  Breathe, Mum. Just breathe.

  Callum grabbed my hand, but I didn’t need him. I needed Mum.

  She’s not breathing.

  Uncontrollable cries left my body, screaming out for her. Her body lay there. Still. Peaceful.

  I ached all over, sobbing with my fists clenched, begging for her to come back. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t true. I tried to deny what I had just witnessed. I watched my nightmare play out in front of my eyes, but I couldn’t snap out of it. This time, nurses didn’t come in and cover her with a white sheet. Instead, they rushed in after hearing my cries from down the corridor, only to find me gagging and physically sick with grief.

  Pain.

  Numbness.

  Heartache.

  Two separate pieces of Play-Doh, ripped apart from one. The children had won, unaware of the mess they had caused. These two pieces of Play-Doh couldn’t be pushed back together. My heart was broken. I was broken. Forever.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “Mum wasn’t religious, so she wouldn’t have wanted any hymns or prayers. Is that okay?” Sarah nodded understandingly. I’d never organised a funeral before. I felt like an idiot asking so many questions, practically chewing Sarah’s ear off in the process. The funeral director was the cutest lady I’d ever met. Short grey hair swept across her forehead, and she dressed in all black, as you’d expect. Mum wouldn’t have wanted me to endure prayers for her. I did worry about what Callum would think, though, as his parents had raised him to be the good Christian boy he’d become. Most of the time, anyway. I sat in the room with Liam, who held onto my hand the whole time. He’d insisted I didn’t go alone, and I was in no position to turn down a friendly face as my world was still crumbling around me. I was as stressed as I’d ever been, talking on the phone every day, appointments and even had to endure friendly cups of tea that were slowly taking over my life. It was a welcome distraction, though, in between the deep sadness that continued to sweep my body when I was just sat there thinking. Thinking about Mum.

  “So tell me, what was special about Theresa. What made her unique?” Sarah asked, poised to make notes for Mum’s eulogy.

  What didn’t make her unique?

  That would have been a better question. She was a force to be reckoned with. Loving and kind, absolutely. She wouldn’t take shit from anyone, though. She was a confident woman, until she got ill. She’d have done anything for me. In a world full of selfish people, I always came first for her. We didn’t have much money but that didn’t matter to her. In fact, there were times she’d barely had the money to feed herself. Liam told Sarah about a food fight we’d had in the house, trifle plastered up the walls and across the ceiling. Mum didn’t care. She brought out the laughter in every situation, and without her, my childhood would have been very different. The funeral had to be perfect. She deserved it. I did worry, though. I worried there wouldn’t be many people there to celebrate her life like they should have been.

  “How many people will be attending the funeral?” she asked sweetly.

  Mum didn’t know many people. For a start, she had lost touch with her friend June, and she kept herself to herself mostly. I was the closest person to her, then there was Liam and of course, more recently, Callum. My grandparents had passed, and my dad was nowhere to be seen.

  “Three people?” In doubt, I looked at Liam for help.

  “Thirty. At least thirty,” he said, as if he’d just plucked the number from thin air.

  “Perfect. Now, I know we’ve spoken a lot, but did you know what songs you’d like played? If you don’t know, you can email me once you’ve decided.”

  I knew. Mum had already picked her funeral songs, though at the time I’d been sickened at the thought. She’d done me a favour, because I wouldn’t have known where to start.

  Ke$ha - Dancing With Tears In My Eyes.

  Avril Lavigne - When You’re Gone.

  Rihanna - Disturbia.

  Once the songs were sorted into their order, Sarah mentioned the small matter of the cost. Mum had left behind priceless possessions that meant the world to me, but nothing that I could or would trade in for money. She wouldn’t have wanted a huge ceremony either, nor a lot of money spent on her. Liam and Callum had both offered to chip in before I came to sort the funeral out, but I couldn’t accept it. It felt like charity.

  It had already been a week or so since Mum had passed. I had to guess, as time seemed to merge into a blurred mess. The only thing that had kept time in check slightly was those dreaded appointments and a bursting calendar of seeing people. University had prepared me for a lot of things, like paying my phone contract, but I’d never had to take care of a whole house before. I had been carefree until losing Mum shoved reality down my throat. Still, she’d raised me to deal with anything life threw my way, so that’s what I had to do. Mature up and get it done. I had to take it seriously, but that was going to cause problems, too. Liam was by far the funniest person in my life, but since Mum had passed, every time he made a light-hearted joke I would snap. He’d look at me confused when I would change the conversation immediately and not drop to the floor belly laughing. It wasn’t like me. I didn’t like myself.

  “Callum, I feel like the person I used to be is slowly draining out of me.” I lay in bed next to him while he scrolled through his phone.

  “What do you mean, babe?” he asked automatically as he continued to scroll.

  “I just feel as though I don’t find anything funny anymore. I feel like this is making me grow up faster than I want to. I don’t want to be an adult and not find things funny because I have to deal with adult crap,” I said, burying my face into a pillow, feeling sorry for myself. I always hid my face when I was upset. I hated feeling defeated when people saw me low.

  I was strong. I had to be strong.

  “Tamsin Cross…”

  My full name. I’m in for it.

  I buried my head a little deeper into the pillow.

  “You may have grown up. You may have even matured. But do you really think that’s the reason you aren't laughing as much as you used to? Come on, Tams… You’re such an intelligent woman. Yes, you have a little more responsibility, but do you not think you’re sad because your mum isn't around? You are trying to use these responsibilities to disguise your emotions and distract you. It’s okay to not feel yourself for a while.”

  He had cracked me. He knew me better than I knew myself. I hated that.

  “A little more responsibility?” I said sarcastically.

  “And there is the sarcastic comment. Textbook Tamsin.” Laughing, he pulled me closer. “I really love you, T.”

  Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t want to admit defeat. He was right. I was devastated, but I had to get on with my life
, reach for the stars and grab hold of my goals. For that, I needed to cross the finish line. I didn’t know where it was, how long it would take to get there or what would happen along the way, but I had to cross it. Callum kissed my forehead and brushed my hair with his fingertips. As I fell asleep, my tears dried, staining the reality of my emotions across my face for Callum to see.

  * * *

  “Are you getting ready, T?” Callum asked. “Liam will be here soon.”

  I wanted the bed to swallow me up–anything to escape. Even though I’d said my goodbyes at the hospital, today made it final. Deep down, I hoped I would see her again, that this was all just a crazy dream. Her funeral was closure and I didn’t want closure. The past two weeks I had driven myself and everyone around me crazy, as a whirlwind of emotion had swept me and everyone else off their feet. One minute, I would be talking, smiling even. The next, everyone would be drowning in a tsunami of tears. Talking about Mum was hard, but I knew I had to keep her memory alive. In my eyes, it brought her back to life. After I had groaned long enough, I dragged myself up from the bed and dressed myself in the dress that Callum had picked out for me days before. I pulled open my makeup draw, the least organised part of my life, and found Mum’s red lipstick lying amongst the clutter. A single lipstick that held more sentimental value than anyone could have imagined. It represented the beginning of my career. Meeting Callum. Mum. It wasn’t just a lipstick. It was a time capsule I would treasure forever.

  “Are you nearly ready?” Callum mithered, as I placed the lipstick in my handbag.

  “Yes, I am. Why is that outside?” I questioned as a funeral car sat curb-side, right outside my house. “I didn’t ask for that. I can't afford it.”

  “I confess. It was me. I wanted to make sure today went as smoothly as possible. No stress. Besides, Liam bought flowers and they're outside, too,” Callum said apologetically. I wanted to be angry, but how could I be?