Tamsin

by D J Cook

  “Thank you.” My arm reached out to Callum, and he came closer. His forehead pressed to mine, as close as we’d been since the spa.

  “Today is going to be okay. I promise. Grab your coat. Let’s go and get Liam, and make Tessa proud.”

  The crematorium was barely a drive away. In fact, we spent more time loading the car than we did driving. It wasn’t long before we arrived at the crematorium, which looked as if another funeral had taken place before Mum’s. Liam subtly pointed to the crowd of people stood close like penguins, trying to keep warm in the autumn cold.

  “Your mum would have only cared about you being here today. Scratch that. I was her favourite, not you.” Liam laughed to try to lighten the mood in the car that had been silent since we’d got in. “Obviously, I’m joking. I know Tess never wanted a fuss, but all these people are here because they all had the pleasure of meeting her.”

  “Those people are here for Mum?” I said, confused, as we approached the crowd in the car, faces starting to look familiar.

  “Yep. I invited them. Not for your mum, but for you. I wanted you to know that your mum touched more hearts than you think.”

  I couldn’t look at Liam. Instead, I focused on the people outside as I welled up. I wanted to punch him for being so nice. I hadn’t even got inside and I’d already cried.

  “Liam, you are incredible.” Callum said, slapping his hand just above Liam's knee, making a thud and pulling my attention back to them.

  “No. You are.” He winked. “But don’t do that again because you'll turn me on.”

  I'd usually have rolled my eyes and laughed at them. I wanted to laugh or smile at least, but I couldn’t. Inside, I was emotionless. I looked back at my reflection in the window. My expression looked blank. I looked numb; even I could see that. A single tear rolled down my left cheek as I readied myself to get out of the car. It was time to say goodbye for the last time, even though I was in no position to let go.

  Everyone stared with sadness in their eyes even before I had taken one step out of the car. The crematorium didn’t look much like a church. It was modern with the front covered in large windows to allow the natural light to pour in. I couldn’t face talking to anyone, so I put it off as long as I could and shuffled to the front with Liam and Callum to take my seat. Dancing With Tears In My Eyes played through the crematorium speakers, filling the hall.

  ‘Here we go. Welcome to my funeral.’

  The lyrics couldn’t have been more apt. Stocky men in suits carried Mum’s coffin down the aisle. We hadn't got to the speeches and people were already in floods of tears. Once Sarah had introduced herself and read out a small poem, I was summoned to the large podium at the front of the hall. It covered most of my body. I wasn’t sure if anyone could see me. I knew they could hear me, though; my constant sniffles echoed through the hall. I cleared my throat to speak.

  “My mum was…” I mustered between sniffs and then froze, looking at all their faces. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t stage fright. I’d stood in front of bigger crowds at university. It was the fact that no words could ever sum up her life, no eulogy could ever describe to anyone else what she meant to me. I saw Callum shuffle in his seat, trying to coach me into saying more. It wasn’t working. Time passed in a blur once more as I stood there looking blankly at the growing concern on people’s faces. Liam came towards me and held on to me tightly.

  “Theresa was someone you could count on. Someone loving and caring, yet she also had a carefree attitude, which as a teenager I absolutely loved. She let me get away with murder. She had everything. Everything that mattered to her anyway.” Liam looked across the room as I followed his gaze with my tearful eyes.

  “June, thank you for coming today. I know you two hadn't seen each other for a long time, but despite that, Tess always spoke about you. She kept that cute clock you gave her as a gift before you moved away. She wasn’t carefree when it came down to the clock. She’d always shout ‘If you break my clock, I’ll break your legs.’ She missed you an awful lot.” June’s eyes were completely red as she battled to get another tissue from her handbag. She mouthed 'thank you' to Liam.

  “Linda, you haven't seen Tess in forty years. You were childhood friends so many years ago, yet even though all that time has passed, she always told stories of you both frolicking in the playground and getting up to no good.” Liam then pointed to our dentist, doctor and the MacMillan Nurse.

  “And as for you guys, I'm not sure you realise the impact you had on Theresa’s life. You were her escape from the house, the socialising she needed when we weren’t around. She didn’t look at you as professionals, you were her friends.” Liam continued to thank them for everything they had done, and then the hall went silent. I looked to Liam to see if he had finished, pulling at my dress nervously.

  “And then there is you, Tamsin. You are the strongest girl I know. She was and would still be so proud of you. You will achieve your goals. You will get to where you want to be, because your mum made sure of that. She’s been preparing you for this her whole life. As your mum would say, ‘Aim for the sky, Tamsin, but don’t stop there’.”

  “She was… my everything,” I croaked beneath Liam's voice. He looked to me and smiled, still holding on to me tightly.

  “I know, I know. I'm sure you will all agree that Tess spread a lot of joy in all of our lives. That is her legacy, as well as Tamsin here. Never let go of those memories she gave us. Let them shine brighter than they ever have. I know for both Tamsin and me, she will always Shine Bright Like A Diamond.” Liam stepped down and guided me towards my seat. His words played beautifully through my mind, especially the Rihanna reference at the end. Mum would have loved that. I thought no words could ever sum up her life, but Liam had done an amazing job. His words wrapped through my mind for the duration of the ceremony, and it brought me a little peace I desperately needed.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  My thoughts, once clear and concise, were far from those of a stable person. I had been cooped up in Callum's room for days, nervous to go home and face the reality of my loss. For how many days? I wasn’t quite sure given how often I'd slept. My phone had stopped buzzing, left on the other side of the room uncharged. I was left in peace, with my mind in pieces. Mental exhaustion was taking over, and sleeping was the only real downtime I had from myself, even though I’d locked myself away. Constant thoughts of the past played continuously in a loop of doom that I couldn’t switch off as I worried what life would be like without Mum. I didn’t know how to pull myself out of this lull, or if I’d ever break free from myself, and the agony I felt inside.

  “Liam has called again. Are you still sure you don’t want to see anyone?” Callum said through the door that stood ajar.

  “I’m not ready yet.”

  I wasn’t. I hadn’t the energy to put on a brave face–a brave face like the polite exchange you have with work colleagues and a checkout assistant.

  ‘Hi, are you okay?’

  ‘Yes, are you?’

  ‘I’m very well thanks.’

  These responses were my go to. I’d always tell my friends ‘I’m okay’, even if I really wasn’t. That was normal for me, and talking about my feelings certainly was not. It required a form of energy that I hadn’t yet learnt to wield.

  “Tamsin…” Liam's voice sounded from the hallway. I groaned as Callum tried to justify why he’d let Liam in.

  “You’ve literally not stepped outside in over a week. Your phone is off. I needed to know you were okay. I had to see you,” Liam continued as I shoved my face between two pillows.

  “I need space, and I can't deal with anyone right now.” I felt more exhausted than ever just speaking.

  “I have given you space. We all have. It's time to talk about it. You’re bottling everything up like you always do, and it's not good for you.”

  Liam was right. I hated that. The thing is, I’d probably have said the same to him if the shoe were on the other foot; obviously not lite
rally, as Liam sometimes tried to fit his size nine feet in my size seven heels. I was very good at giving out advice, but never liked listening to it myself. You could say I was a little stubborn. I lifted a pillow off my face and turned to Liam, who was sat on the edge of Callum's bed. My eyes squinted at the bright light that I’d been hiding from all this time.

  “What do you want?” I greeted Liam with more sarcasm, but he wasn’t bothered at all. He just crept closer.

  “I just wanted to see you in person to make sure you’re alright. Why did you leave without saying goodbye on the day of Tess’ funeral? People were asking after you.”

  I didn’t have the energy to justify my actions, but I knew if I didn’t explain he wouldn’t stop bothering me.

  “The house isn't my home anymore. Mum made it that. I just needed to get out of there, to not have those people asking after me. It just makes me worse.”

  “I can imagine. I just wish you would have told me,” Liam continued. “Look, do you want me to get you anything? Maybe some clean clothes from the house? Anything of your mum’s?”

  “No, it’s fine. I’m fine. I can’t hide away forever. I need to go home and sort everything out,” I said and looked at them both.

  “We’re here to help too, T. You don’t have to do this alone. We’ll manage it together.” Callum comforted me. I didn't want to see anyone, but for that short moment while Liam was around, thoughts had stopped swirling around my head.

  I stood facing the clutter left over from the wake, along with a deep sadness, a sense of loneliness even. I had been right to leave the last time; the house really didn’t feel like home anymore. I didn’t know where to start at first, grabbing just the paper plates and cups, and popping them into the recycling boxes. I sat on the floor, surrounded by Mum’s things, but my mind was elsewhere. I thought about moving away for good. It seemed logical at the time, and in an instant my mind was made up. What I was unaware of was how much this decision was going to change my life and those around me.

  “I’m giving the house back to the council. I'm going to move,” I said bluntly as both of the boys looked up from tidying Mum’s CD collection.

  “What? You can’t be serious?” Liam replied, astonished.

  “I couldn’t be more serious. It's too much being here without Mum. Maybe it's time I got a place of my own. I could rent closer to work.”

  “So you've spent a week hiding from me and now you’re moving a hundred miles south? Really, Tamsin?” Liam's tone changed, as he threw the CD ‘Now That’s What I Call The 80’s’ across the room, which crashed into my handbag.

  “You better not have broken my phone.” I grabbed my handbag, and started to rummage through it.

  “You’re making these decisions too quickly. Am I the only one with my head screwed on here?”

  My phone was okay, but something else was not.

  “Great. I didn’t want to see you, and now you’re calling me an idiot, and you’ve broken my mum’s fucking lipstick! Just leave, Liam.” My tone changed to match his as I slung my bag across the room. I'd never had to speak to him like that before. He shook his head, and as he left, he slammed the front door behind him. All the anger I had housed in my body was released in an instant. Emotions I had been bottling up had spilled over and created a mess–a huge mess in a friendship that had never been fragile. Callum looked at me in despair, like he didn’t completely understand what had just happened or the reasons why. After a couple of seconds, I broke down, tears streaming down my face accompanied by whining. Lots of whining.

  What had I done?

  I had lost another best friend.

  * * *

  It was another few days before Callum and I headed back to the house after the argument with Liam. It was all too much for me to deal with, and even Callum agreed. We sat sorting clutter into organised groups.

  “It's going to be so weird moving out. Like when Rachel moves out of Monica's apartment. It’s like the end of an era,” I said, quoting the Friends TV show to the best of my ability. It was all I would watch on TV growing up. I'd convinced myself that they would be my friends in real life or at least that I’d live in a place where I actually spoke to my neighbours.

  “Who are Rachel and Monica?” Callum said, straight faced. I rolled up the imaginary sleeves on my t-shirt, ready to punch him with my mouth open wide. “Just kidding! Of course I know who they are.” He laughed.

  “I was literally about to break up with you.”

  “I can't have that, can I?” Callum paused for a moment. “Maybe you should move in with me? So instead of you being Rachel, fleeing a wedding and trying to fend for yourself, maybe you could be my Chandler?”

  “That’s a little gay, you know?” I mocked him, trying to disregard the serious question he’d asked me.

  “Is that a no?” Callum asked simply.

  Could I move in with Callum? He did live in the next town over, so it would be a change of scenery.

  I tried to come to some sort of rationale. We had only been together for just over five months, and it did feel too soon to be considering such a leap into the commitment pool. I loved him, though, and he clearly loved me, otherwise he wouldn’t have wanted to commit. I continued to weigh the pros and cons as they wrapped around my mind, hoping I would be able to make a decision without pausing too long.

  “Are you sure?” I asked, to stall answering without committing to an answer, like some sort of politician.

  “I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t sure. Besides, you’ve practically lived at mine for weeks anyway. It would be our house, not my house. What do you say?” He had a point. If I moved in, it would be another goal scratched off my list, too. My perfect house. The house I’d dreamed of.

  “Yeah, okay then. Let’s do this.” I said enthusiastically, hiding the small pool of doubt that sat at the bottom of my stomach. He weaved his way towards me through the clutter spread out across the living room floor and pressed his lips softly on mine. It had been so long since I’d felt his touch like that. I craved his touch once more, so as he pulled away I pulled him back in for more. That sick feeling disappeared while I was in his embrace. I had made the right decision; at least, that’s what I thought.

  * * *

  It took a good few days to move everything out of Mum’s house. With the little money she had put aside, I paid for a van to move the items we’d hoarded over the years. Some things were just too sentimental to be thrown away or given to charity, so they were sent to a self-storage unit, which didn’t come cheap. Callum encouraged me to make the place feel more my own, so pictures that had once hung in my own room were now placed in Callum’s room. Our room. There were pictures of Liam and Mum, which at the time filled me with sadness with looking back at how things used to be. I ached knowing I'd never see Mum again, and I was still hurting from my fight with Liam. Callum was in the walk-in-wardrobe, which stretched the length of the bedroom, placing my clothes on hangers, a task I always tried to avoid. I procrastinated by throwing on a mixture of fancy dress costumes I had found while looking through his section of the wardrobe. His laugh was infectious, and spurred me on to try on more of his fancy dress clothes. I hadn’t been here for long, but I knew I was going to love it. We were real. A couple. Nobody could take that away from us.

  A loud noise echoed through the house.

  “T, can you get the door?” Callum shouted from deep into the wardrobe.

  “Yeah, sure.” I ran down the stairs wearing a lei around my neck, straightening up my Rastafarian hat that sagged from my head.

  “Hi! Can I help?” I opened the door and looked at the vaguely familiar man and woman stood in front of me.

  “You must be Tamsin. I'm Jaqueline and this is Richard. We're Callum’s parents.”

  I stood there, meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the first time, looking like a member of a circus freak show. They didn’t seem too fazed by my outfit, nor by the length of time it took me to invite them in.

  “D
on't you just love what she’s wearing?” Richard laughed, directing his question to Callum, who had just peered out at the top of the stairs.

  “I wondered what all the commotion was about. What are you guys doing here?” He hugged both of them promptly. I wished I had done the same instead of standing hopelessly, playing with my lei.

  “We wanted to come see our son. Is that such a crime? And with Tamsin moving in, we thought now would be the perfect time,” Jaqueline said, pulling a small suitcase behind her on a set of wheels.

  Not a short stay then.

  “I’ll show you where the guest bedroom is so you can set down your suitcase. Mind the boxes, though. We’re still putting stuff away.” Callum looked at me as his parents made their way up the stairs. He mouthed the word ‘sorry’ as he followed them up.

  “I get what you mean about spontaneous now,” I whispered behind him and picked up one of the lighter bags.

  “I know, they weren't supposed to be coming until next week,” he said in a quiet sort of tone so his parents couldn’t hear.

  “You knew they were coming next week and you didn’t think to tell me?” An angry whisper leapt from my mouth and Callum turned to look at me.

  “You’ve been a little pre occupied locked in my room for weeks. We've hardly spoken. What were you expecting?” he snapped.

  Shit. He was right. I couldn't be mad. I had ostracised myself. I didn’t know what was happening with my boyfriend, at work or with anyone else for that matter. My emotions were spinning around in an uncontrollable mess; being angry at every little thing that was happening around me and grieving was no excuse. I couldn't take it out on him. I had already done that with Liam.

  “Oh, yeah. You're right. I'm sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Come on, let’s go upstairs or your parents are going to wonder where we are.”