Tamsin

by D J Cook

  Damn.

  Had I really just quit a very well paid job, out of this awful town, for no reason? No. Callum was the other reason. I couldn’t face going back there with him. Having everyone look at me like a crazy person. Being judged for a reaction based on the situation unfolding there and then. There was no way I was going back to that. I had a chance, an opportunity for a new era of Tamsin. Tamsin 2.0. A chance to recreate myself without the mess everyone knew about. Without the sympathy of people knowing I’d lost Mum and been left alone. Scratch that. Not completely on my own. I had Liam and Callum.

  “Well, things happen for a reason. I don't know what that reason is yet but I will soon. Call me crazy, but I think I'm happier without Farden. Onwards and upwards,” I hummed positively.

  A lifetime of desire for material things suddenly didn’t matter—a coffee machine, a big house with a gorgeous chandelier or even a car that glistened. I had always wanted to be the CEO of some big company. After all, I had worked hard. In the midst of aiming for the stars and achieving the goals I had spent my childhood planning out, I had forgotten about what was truly important and neglected my friendship with Liam. That once bustling road of friendship had become a one-way street, and that had to change. Liam was making something of himself, designing clothes and putting his fashion degree to use, and I’d been too busy in my own little world to ask about him. My life was eating me up and spitting me out, each time taking something away from me that I couldn’t live without. Enough was enough. I dragged my moping, imaginary body off the ground and grabbed life by its invisible balls.

  Mess with me all you want, life. Ruin my plan, put a stop to the goals I’ve worked so hard for, but you can’t take away my relationships. I’m responsible for those.

  And with that, my body regained its posture and the fog in my mind started to clear.

  Ready for my next journey.

  Set for what was in store.

  Go. I was going to go like I never had before.

  I took my phone from my jeans pocket and dialled the doctor’s number, memorised from when Mum had been ill, instead of searching for it within my contacts. It rang then played an automatic message, but I held for reception.

  “Hello, Weaver Surgery. How can I help?”

  “Hi. My name’s Tamsin Cross,” I said nervously, stumbling at almost every word. “Can I have an appointment with a doctor? I've been struggling and need some help.” I didn’t want to say any more. Thankfully, I didn’t need to. They knew.

  “Can you come in this Thursday evening? We have an appointment at five-forty with Doctor Falkon.”

  “That’s great. Thank you. I’ll see you then.” In relief, I hung up the phone and received a text confirming my appointment. I had taken the first step in gaining control of my life, and it had been easier than I’d thought. Next, the appointment.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I arrived at the doctor’s surgery promptly at five-twenty, nervous for an appointment that left dread pooling at the bottom of my stomach. Once I’d waved Callum off after he’d dropped me off in the car park, I made my way to the front desk. The waiting area was eerily quiet, so much so I could hear the receptionists talking about what they were having for tea as I walked through the door.

  “Hi, Tamsin. Here to see Dr Falkon?” the elderly receptionist asked. She always seemed to remember my name despite me never remembering hers. It was a small surgery, a family practice that had grown considerably over the years. You couldn’t have stopped my mum from going to the doctors; she loved to chat. I mean, she’d been registered at the surgery since she was a child herself, and never missed one of her asthma reviews. Me on the other hand–I usually had to be dragged to the place. I hated talking about myself and answering all the questions. This time was different, though. I knew I had to talk to start to feel myself again, the way I had at university.

  “Hey, you. I am, yes,” I said, getting straight to the point.

  “I’ve let him know you’re here, my lovely,” she said softly, but before I could say thank you, she continued, “Tamsin, I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear about Theresa. I couldn’t get the time off work to come to the funeral. There was no one to cover me, but I did ask the doctor to pass on my love. If you ever need anything, I’ll be here at this desk, as always.” She walked around the desk to give me a hug.

  “Thank you,” I croaked, struggling to conjure up any more words as an unexpected lump grew in my throat, trying to stop myself from getting emotional. She rubbed my arms and led me over to the seating area to wait for the doctor. I sat on my phone, mindlessly scrolling through social media, and opened the occasional GIF sent by Liam in attempt to calm me. He’d wanted to come, and Callum had, too, but I needed to be alone. As my name appeared on the screen, I had to drag myself down the corridor. I knocked.

  “Come in,” I heard from behind the door. “Ah, Tamsin. Take a seat.” The door shut behind me. “How can I help?”

  I sighed. The lump in my throat was growing larger by the second, to the point I could taste the anxiety and upset in my mouth.

  “I don’t feel like myself anymore. I'm really struggling. I feel like my life is out to get me. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I can’t escape.” I huffed between words, trying to hold back the dam of tears, even though a few had already escaped.

  “That’s understandable. Did this start when your mum passed away?” Doctor Falkon’s voice calmed me. It was a simple question. I could answer that.

  “Yes. Well, maybe a bit before.”

  “Okay. So what exactly has happened since?” he probed further.

  “The funeral was hard. I locked myself away at my boyfriend’s house for about two weeks after, pushing everyone away. My best friend and I fell out and I had graduation without Mum. I keep on jumping to conclusions, making irrational decisions about everything, and to top it all off, I have no energy.” I couldn’t cry. Not here.

  “Jumping to conclusions? Irrational decisions?”

  “I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me with his ex-fiancé. I kicked off at him in front of everyone at work and then quit my job.” Word vomit poured from my mouth as I quickly tried to tell him everything so I could stop talking. I gave a little smile to disguise the emotion I was feeling inside.

  “It's okay to cry, you know? There’s no one in this room you have to protect.”

  That was it. The walls I had once built to protect myself crumbled. I couldn’t keep them up. Floods of tears poured down my face as if the walls had never been there in the first place. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t want to. I needed someone I didn’t know to understand the pain I was going through and avoid the sympathy from my two favourites.

  “I think some counselling would be beneficial. You have been through a lot and talking to someone impartial will help. Have you taken anti-depressants before?” he asked as he scrolled on his computer. I guessed he was looking through my records, or lack of them. I shook my head. “Okay, well I am going to prescribe you twenty milligrams of Fluoxetine. They should help with how you are feeling. They aren't magic pills and they won’t work straight away. You may have some side effects, but once they start working in a few weeks, I think you may find yourself feeling more energetic and more like yourself.”

  “Thank you. It means a lot, and thank you again for being there at the funeral.” I sighed again, but this time with relief, letting out the anxiety that I’d pent up inside for so long.

  “Don’t mention it. You’ll get a call in a few days with an appointment. Look after yourself, Tamsin.”

  “I will. Thanks again,” I said walking out, holding on tight to the prescription and self-help sheets that Dr Falkon had printed for me like it was a matter of life or death. They were my lifeline–tickets to becoming me again.

  After being in the pharmacy longer than in the doctor’s surgery, I arrived back at Liam's house, concealing the tablets in my pockets like some sort of drug mule. I wasn't ashamed of having to t
ake anti-depressants; at least I didn't think I was. I just didn’t want the whole Wright household to know. I bypassed the living area and went straight upstairs to Liam, who was busy working on the blue sequin dress. It was taking shape, and looked like a gorgeous, flowing gown.

  “So, how was it?” Liam said, not for one second taking his eyes off the dress and sewing machine in front of him.

  “Good, I think. He said I need counselling, and I think I have to agree with him. He also gave me these.” I took the tablets from my pocket and flung them onto the bed next to where he was working. “He thinks they’ll help with my energy and my thoughts. He said there may be a few side effects but I'm not too worried as long as they help in the long run.” I slumped onto the bed and lay there with my phone in the air, scrolling casually. It was so easy with Liam, no effort to be around him at all. A text from Callum buzzed onto my phone.

  Callum <3

  8th November 2018

  [19:42]

  Will you be coming home tonight, T? I'm worried xxx

  I hadn't told him. I hadn't told Callum I was staying at Liam's for a few more days before heading back to his house. Becoming absorbed in my own thoughts and problems had become the norm. I wanted to take things slow, spend more time with Liam, and make up for the lost time between us. I needed that, for me.

  [19:48]

  Not tonight. I'm gonna stay at Liam's for a few days to get myself back on track and spend some time with him. I feel like I've forgotten about him recently. I hope you understand. We’re okay, I promise. I can’t wait to be snuggled up in bed next to you. I’ll give you a call tomorrow. I love you xxx

  With the reply sent, I placed my phone on the side table next to me and turned my attention to Liam. After all, he was the reason I’d stayed. Liam was still adding sequins to the bodice of the dress, placing them with precision.

  “The dress looks great. You should try it on when you're done,” I said, eager to see the finished dress on someone other than a poorly shaped mannequin or draped over the side of the sewing machine.

  “I’d love to, but it would hang off me. Although you’ve just reminded me, it's nearly finished and I need to organise a fitting with David before Friday.”

  David was Miss Mirage. We had been on first name basis with him since before the end of first term at university. Every week without fail we would go to the club, get drunk and dance dramatically in front of the DJ booth, constantly requesting songs. Any other DJ or drag queen would have hated it, but not David. Whether it was because he fancied Liam or whether he took joy in our carefree dance moves, I didn’t know, but he’d always made time for us.

  “Oh yeah, it’s his celebration night soon, right? Oh god, Liam, I miss it so much. It's not even been a year since our last Tuesgay night out. What I would do to just rewind and go back to when life was simpler.”

  “Well, you’re in luck,” Liam said as he got up and opened his bed side table draw. He handed me two tickets. Miss Mirage Presents Tuesgay's Big Birthday Bash. “You didn’t think I would go to all this effort and not see my dress being worn in person, did you? Besides, it’s an excuse for us to get drunk and do filthy dancing against each other.” Liam winked and slut dropped to the floor, raising his hips in the air as he slowly got up.

  “So rude. You just want another excuse to sleep with David.” I stated the obvious.

  “Nah. Fitting is another excuse to sleep with David. Tuesgay, on the other hand, means freshers.”

  I was wrong. I should have known.

  After a few hours of back-and-to chitchat, and a delicious meal cooked by Diane, I took my tablet and headed to bed. I lay awake for what seemed like hours, listening to Liam snore while he slept as soon as he pulled the cover over him, until I drifted off.

  A freezing wind filled the room from the open window Liam had left open. I could feel chills all over my body, even with the duvet covering all but my face. My phone lit up, showing a text from Callum.

  Callum <3

  15th November 2018

  [02:13]

  Don’t bother coming home. Louise would have come home to me.

  I tried to wake up Liam who was still soundly asleep next to me. Another text appeared on my phone.

  Gayboy x

  15th November 2018

  [02:14]

  I sleep to escape you. Leave me alone, Tamsin. You pushed me away so I can do the same to you.

  Once I’d read it, he sat awake, not speaking, holding his phone. The bedroom door opened and my surroundings suddenly changed. I was in my childhood bedroom, sat in my old bed and the room was filled with all of my things.

  “You need to tidy up in here. It’s a pig sty.” The voice filled me with warmth.

  “Mum?” I said, wanting to reach out and take hold of the shadow in the doorway.

  “Who else would it be?”

  “You're really here. I knew you would come. I love you, Mum.” I could feel tears rolling down my face. My emotions raged, not knowing whether to feel happy or sad.

  “I’m here, but I've got to go now. You quit. You gave up. So I gave up, too.”

  “Mum, don’t say that. I'm sorry. I've failed you. Please don’t go. Mum! Mu…”

  “Tamsin. Wake up. Are you okay?” Liam shook me lightly, until I came around. “You were shouting in your sleep again and breathing really heavily.” Just as I had started to sleep better, my luck had turned with an influx of nightmares. It was the second night of nightmares; both times I’d been woken by Liam. A week of nightmares in a row wasn’t a coincidence. Liam put it down to the side effect of the tablets I had been taking, just like they were making me throw up. I could just about keep down one meal a day, which was not like me at all. I made a call to Weaver Surgery, and told them about my vivid dreams and sickness. The dreams haunted me, my thoughts drifting to them uncontrollably all day. Later that evening, I received an email from Dr Falkon.

  Dear Tamsin,

  I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you. The symptoms you have described are listed as possible side effects. If these are mild and you can cope with them, the symptoms should ease over the next week or so. If they get worse, stop taking the tablets and come in to see me so we can discuss a different medication.

  I hope this helps and take care.

  Dr Falkon (MRCGP)

  Weaver Surgery

  I couldn’t not take the tablets. Getting myself back on track wasn’t going to be a quick fix, as the doctor had said. Throwing up meals and having weird dreams was a price I was willing to pay.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The Gal, The Guy & The Gay

  19th November 2018

  [10:11]

  Thought I would set up this group chat with my two favourites. You guys okay?

  [10:12]

  Liam: You that bored, hun?

  [10:12]

  Callum: Yeah, some of us have work you know ;)

  [10:13]

  Yes okay, I'm bored sat watching the same programmes every day. Diane has got me watching Jeremy Kyle re-runs now. I'm sure I just saw my old neighbour on it!

  Also, working my arse! Look how quick you both responded!

  [10:15]

  Liam: The bar is quiet and Grindr is boring.

  [10:16]

  Callum: I was just eager to speak to you, T ;)

  Miss you x

  [10:16]

  Liam: Ew. Gross.

  [10:17]

  Callum: Just because you don’t have a special someone lol

  [10:17]

  Liam: Special someone? I'm gonna be sick.

  [10:18]

  Now now, boys!

  Jezza has just brought out a human male version of Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon. You are distracting me.

  [10:19]

  Liam: This was your group. Speak or leave.

  P.S. How you feeling? Stopped being sick?

  [10:19]

  Callum: You're being sick? What's up?

  [10:24]

  Liam
!

  Ugh I'm fine. The tablets are making me a bit sick. Nothing to worry about.

  Liam left the chat.

  [10:25]

  Callum: Why didn’t you tell me?

  [10:27]

  I was going to come round to yours tonight and tell you, but Liam jumped the gun…

  Don’t worry I'm okay.

  [10:29]

  Callum: You are still going to come tonight, aren't you? Move back in. Let me look after you. You’ll have the whole house to yourself while I'm at work. You can decide what you want on TV instead of watching Jeremy Kyle with Diane lol

  [10:37]

  I will be moving back in soon, just not yet.

  Also, joking aside, Jezza was intense today!

  [10:39]

  Callum: I miss you, T x

  [10:39]

  I miss you too x

  Callum <3

  20th November 2018

  [13:45]

  It was great to see you last night. I wish you could have stayed.

  I wasn’t ready to let go of you at all. Stay longer next time? x

  [13:48]

  I will, I promise x

  [13:49]

  Good! What have you done today? X

  [13:52]

  Just been with Liam. He’s not working at the bar today. We're going out tonight to Tuesgay, which should be fun. He's a bag of stress atm though x