Tamsin
Page 14
[13:55]
Why? Can't decide what to wear? lol x
[13:57]
You laugh but that is part of the problem haha
He has also been contacted by two other drag queens for a custom design before Christmas. Miss Mirage has clearly already been showing off her dress before her big evening!
Oh, and he said yes to both of the queens and now he is ranting to himself, covered in bits of material, panicking he won’t get them done in time x
[14:02]
Rather you than me! Pass on my congrats to Liam though. That’s fantastic. Shame I'm not seeing you again tonight. I hope you have fun with Liam though. Where are you staying? Stay safe please x
[14:05]
I'm sorry. I think Liam mentioned something about a hotel, I know we're staying in Chester.
I will. You know me x
[22:49]
So, it turns out we are staying at Miss Mirage’s. Typical Liam I guess. We're heading to the club soon. We've got VIP tickets which is exciting. I've never been a VIP before x
[22:54]
Are you sure you are okay with that? Do you want me to come pick you up later? Enjoy living your best life tonight x
[22:59]
No, it's okay. I'll be fine. Besides, you have work tomorrow x
[23:01]
I don’t mind. You not drunk yet?
[23:10]
Not yet, hopefully soon though! Just walking to the club now. I love you x
[23:11]
I love you too xx
21st November 2018
[00:16]
I've just got into bed. Late one for me. Hope you are having a nice time dancing to cheesy music. Text me before you head to sleep xx
[03:56]
I m gonna gey ya
[04:10]
Ioutside xxxxxxxxxx
Gayboy x
21st November 2018
[11:29]
Where are you? Are you okay?
[11:35]
Mum says you aren't at home. Where are you?
[11:37]
Tamsin??
[11:40]
Hey, I'm at Callum’s house. According to an email I received, I got an Uber to his. I was so drunk last night, I fell up a step into Callum’s front door and hit my neck on the door knob so now I have a huge bruise that looks like a hickey. I was sick all down my dress and on his doorstep, so I apparently stripped off in the hallway and tried to have sex with him. I'm such a mess.
[11:45]
I'm weeing myself. That’s brilliant. Tried to have sex? You mean you didn't?
[11:49]
Nope. No sex. Apparently a slobbering, slurring drunk women isn't sexy, even to a man who loves her. We haven't had sex since my graduation night. And before that, probably before mum passed away. I'm gagging here.
[12:22]
Ouch. David and I feel for you.
P.S. Sorry for the delay. Just had sex.
[12:23]
I hate you.
The Gal, The Guy & The Gay
21st November 2018
[16:36]
Guys, it's nearly Christmas so I thought we could set up Secret Santa?
[16:40]
Callum: You do realise Liam left the group? I'm on my way home btw x
[16:41]
Oh shit. One sec, I will add him now x
Liam was added to the group.
[16:43]
Liam. I want to do Secret Santa. You in? This has nothing to do with my lack of funds.
[16:46]
Liam: Sure! What's the budget?
[16:47]
Callum: £40? Something like that?
[16:48]
The whole point of this idea was so I could save money. Is it too late to withdraw? Haha
[16:50]
Liam: Yep. I hope I get you Callum.
[16:51]
Callum: ;)
[16:52]
Ew. Gross.
I didn’t tell you guys. I got a letter today. My counselling appointment is next week. How quick was that?
[16:55]
Callum: That’s great news. I hope it helps. I'm still worried that you keep on being sick :(
[16:55]
If it will make you feel better, I will speak to the counsellor about it, but my GP said the sickness should pass soon anyway.
[17:10]
Liam: Hurray! I'm glad you are being seen quickly. Mum wants to know if you are home for food tonight? We're having gammon and egg with chips.
[17:14]
I'm going to stay at Callum's if that’s okay? But I will come tomorrow in the day to see you both if you aren't working?
[17:15]
Liam: No worries xoxo
Gayboy x
21st November 2018
[17:17]
Need sex that bad?
[17:18]
You can talk! Haha
Don't judge me. She deserves it.
[17:20]
Did you just refer to your vagina as a she?
P.S. Judging you. Not for needing sex. That’s allowed.
Judging you for having a vagina.
[17:24]
Yes I did! She says hello. Now can we stop talking about my vagina, Callum has just walked through the door.
Liam's Mum
22nd November 2018
[12:10]
I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, all of you. I know I told you in person, but it just didn’t seem enough. Thank you for taking me in when I had no one else to turn to. You made a very cold and lonely girl realise she has family closer than she realised. I look up to you. You raised such a gentleman in Liam. I'm so incredibly lucky, and that’s without mentioning gorgeous Jade. She is turning into a clone of Liam. I'm not sure if you should be worried or thrilled. I think Callum will be over tomorrow to collect the rest of my things. Keep an eye out for the postman over the next few days, I hope it says thank you better than these words. Lots of love, Tamsin xx
[12:47]
That brought a tear to my eye, Tamsin. We're lucky to have you. Our door is open anytime. You know that. You didn't have to say thank you. That's what family is for. Love always, Diane xxx
[12:52]
Soppy cow.
[12:57]
Sorry, Tamsin, that was Liam xxx
Gayboy x
22nd November 2018
[13:04]
I was going to message you thanking you for everything as well, but since you called me a soppy cow, you don’t deserve the sop.
[13:07]
You're welcome x
The Gal, The Guy & The Gay
23rd November 2018
[15:20]
Liam: You two want to come out tonight?
Putting dresses together for people is taking the fun out of actually designing the fashion and I'm in the mood to shake my groove.
[15:25]
Callum: Not for me, sorry. Tamsin has just got in the bath so she may be a while responding :)
[15:27]
I won’t, sorry. My stomach isn't great today.
How are the dresses coming on? If I can help in any way, you know where I am.
[15:28]
Callum: I thought you were in the bath?
[15:29]
I am. I always text and play on my phone in the bath. I'm not weird.
[15:31]
Liam: Booooorrrrinnnngggg.
I'll message the girls.
The dresses are fine, but juggling everything else is stressful. I've had another two people ask for a portfolio when I don't have one. I've also got to arrange fittings, and somehow work all of this around working at the pub and around everyone's schedules. Rant over.
[15:36]
As I said, you know where I am. Struggling to find ways to keep myself busy at the moment.
Callum <3
23rd November 2018
[15:36]
Send nudes ;)
[15:37]
You’re such a perv.<
br />
No nudes. Come get the real thing.
The Gal, The Guy & The Gay
25th November 2018
[14:25]
Liam, will you hurry up and click the bloody link. I want to know who my Secret Santa is!
[14:30]
Liam: Done.
[14:35]
Callum: Everyone happy with who they have? I know I am.
[14:37]
Yep. I hope you both know I am going to find out who you both have. I'm going to make it my mission.
[14:38]
Callum: Doesn't that defeat the object of 'SECRET' Santa?
[14:40]
Yes, but I don't like secrets. I'm going to create the Anti-Secret Santa Society, or ASSS for short.
[14:42]
Liam: She's always like this. Every year in uni it was constant.
In final year, the girls and I decided we would lie to her about who we all had so it would be a surprise. She was not happy!
I'm surprised you aren't used to this side of Tamsin yet.
[14:44]
Callum: That's brilliant. Every day is a learning day with Tamsin…
[14:45]
I am here you know!
Mum - ICE1
27th November 2018
[11:08]
Hi Mum. I'm sat waiting for my Counselling appointment (early as usual). I know you aren't going to receive this text, but I just needed to tell you how much I love you. I don't know what's going to happen when I go in there and talk about my feelings. I've never spoken about my feelings to anyone other than you. I don’t like to. You were my person. My best friend. I guess that’s why I’m in this mess right now. It's not even been two months and I'm already screwed in the head. Everyone around me is holding their hand out and offering me help. I want to reach out and grab them, I do. I just wish you were holding out your hands to catch me like usual. I've just realised you’re still registered as my emergency contact. I guess I best change that. You can have two people, right? I'm so bad at this. But anyway. I miss you more than I could ever put down on paper. I think about you every day and that will never change. I promise to keep remembering you every day, to share our memories with the world. I promise every Mother’s Day I will still buy you a gift that you would hoard away for years because it was special to you. I will hoard it for you. Callum won’t be happy though. I also promise to keep working on myself. I couldn't have asked for a better person to prepare me for my future. I've got to go now. I love you lots and lots, like Jelly Tots xxx
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“Good morning, Tamsin. Please take a seat.” The counsellor sat down firmly in her chair. “Let me introduce myself before we get started. My name's Elizabeth Hackett and I'm a counsellor and psychotherapist. I’ve been providing sessions for just under eight years now, both with private sessions and for the NHS.” Her voice was soft, but despite her soothing voice and the dimmed lights along with the water feature sat trickling and humming in the corner of the room, I couldn’t relax.
“Hi, Elizabeth,” I said, pulling the collar of my dress away from my neck nervously.
“So, what’s prompted you to be sat with me today?” The questions had started. I was being calmly interrogated.
“I don’t really know where to start. I guess I've not been myself since Mum passed away,” I murmured, sat opposite Elizabeth.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She looked directly at me. Surprisingly, it wasn’t uncomfortable and I didn’t mind telling her more. Elizabeth left me no choice anyway. She remained silent until I spoke again.
“That's okay. I've felt really low, lonely and unloved. I was pushing away people I care about. I thought Callum, my boyfriend, was cheating on me. I quit my job. I've been having nightmares and I keep throwing up my meals but I think that’s the medication the doctor put me on around two weeks ago. I'm going to book an appointment after this to see my doctor,” I ranted, quickly firing the information across to her. I had to tell her about the doctor’s appointment. I needed her to know I was feeling at least a bit better, almost like damage control so she knew I was capable of looking after myself.
“That seems an awful lot to go through in such a short space of time. No wonder you aren't yourself.” I sighed in relief. She understood.
“I guess I have, yeah.”
“So would you mind if we start at the beginning? Let's talk about your mum.”
“Mum had Cancer. She was diagnosed while I was in my last year of university and passed away in October. I graduated this month, but I just wished she could have been there to see me. I spent a long time caring for her, and before that, we were practically inseparable anyway. Then in an instant it had vanished. I was left with a massive void in my life.” I found myself rambling. I couldn’t stop. I was comfortable. “I felt as though the void was eating me alive. I felt numb and I guess that’s why I locked myself away. I was trying to hide away from myself and how I was feeling.” I paused for just a second to catch my breath that was escaping faster than I wanted it to.
“So were you alone? Who have you had to confide in? You mentioned Callum?” She was listening to my every word.
“I wasn't alone, but I felt alone. Callum is my boyfriend, and I moved in with him soon after Mum died. I also have my best friend, Liam. I think I realised I wasn't myself when I started to push Liam away. We argued because I wanted to move away and he broke Mum’s lipstick. I’d never argued with him before. We're okay now, but while I’ve been trapped with my own thoughts, he’s been getting on with his life. He’s started his own little business, and I had no idea, all because I was stuck in my head constantly dealing with my life. My mess. He offered to help. He always does, but I don’t want to accept it. I want to deal with this myself. That’s what Mum and I did. We fought together and dealt with everything on our own.” My hand was clenched around a cushion on the sofa, as I painfully spoke about the past.
“I understand, Tamsin, and talking here will help get rid of these thoughts and demons you speak of. It does seem your heavy reliance on your mum has caused an emotional trauma. I want you to know, you are grieving and it's completely normal to feel how you are feeling. It does justify your behaviour. You mentioned quitting your job and pushing away your loved ones? They are prime examples of changes in behaviour that results from a trauma,” Elizabeth said in a soothing manner, showing off her eight years of experience within the field. “I also don’t believe you are vomiting because of the medication. Usually mild side effects like nausea and vomiting only last a few days. I feel your vomiting may be fuelled by your anxiety. I think it’s your body's way of grieving.”
Overwhelmed, I nodded along, trying to process everything she was saying.
“So what you are saying is how I am feeling is how people may feel with a physical trauma?” I stared blankly at her.
“Absolutely, the grief shown in both emotional and physical trauma are quite similar, so I would say your behaviour has been normal, under the circumstances, but we both know that without the trauma, you may not have reacted in those irrational ways, so we need to put a plan together and get you back to the old Tamsin. Each time you come, we will delve deeper into how you have been feeling, but before that I want to give you some techniques to manage your anxiety.” Elizabeth started with a simple breathing technique, focusing on one object in the room and slowly taking one breath, in and out. She then told me that setting small goals would help. I’d spent my whole life setting goals, so that was going to be a piece of cake. The hour-long session was closing in on us fast, and before it was over, Elizabeth left me with another thought.
“It seems that you came here today worried about pushing away your loved ones. I want you to know that they will understand. Don't feel like putting yourself first is ever a bad thing. Self-care is a priority. Think about what they say when you get on a plane. If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from above, and they always tell you to give yourself oxygen before helping the others around
you. It's okay to do that. If you don’t have oxygen yourself, you won’t be able to help the others. Look after yourself and I will see you next week.”
After saying thank you, I left the room, the thought still wrapped around my mind. It was a comparison I wasn’t going to forget. I mattered, and that was okay. I wasn't going to neglect my relationships; I'd already learnt that lesson. I'd also learnt that spending all my resources and focusing them on how I was feeling was fine, too. A smile graced my face as the door shut and I looked over to the receptionist who was already walking over to me.
“How was that, Tamsin? Are you okay?” she whispered quietly so nobody could hear. Before I could answer, she jumped in again, “She can be a bit scary, can't she?”
“It was good and really useful. She asked a lot of questions, but I needed that. It's made me think a whole lot more, and do you know what? I can honestly tell I am going to be okay.” I smiled at her sincerely. The journey to feeling myself again was going to be long haul; I knew that, but determination filled my stomach where all the angst had once set up camp.