Tamsin

by D J Cook

  “I hope you aren't calling me fat,” I shouted, as I started pouring the shredded wheat into a bowl.

  “Will you help prep some of the buffet food soon? My parents will be here in about an hour and I don't want to leave it all to Mum,” Callum shouted through from the hallway. It was a good job he lived in a detached house. His neighbours would not have been happy with how much we yelled.

  “That's fine,” I howled back with my mouth full, still shovelling more cereal into it. More recently, the side effects of the medication were easing. I wasn't being sick nearly as much as I had been. Two weeks earlier, even the thought of preparing food would have made me ill. Once I’d finished my cereal, hoping I hadn’t got milk stains on my dress, I started to prepare the buffet. Buffets were the best. All the food you could ever want or imagine in one meal. And you could help yourself and pile your plate sky high without anyone judging.

  With a swing of the front door, and the noise of the handle crashing against the wall, Jaqueline emerged, shortly followed by Richard.

  “We're here. Happy Christmas Eve!” she gracefully bellowed from the hallway, kissing Callum on his forehead before shuffling towards me, carrying gift bags filled with presents. “Be a dear and get my suitcase from the car,” Jaqueline said to Richard and Callum, before squeezing me tight.

  “Hi, Jaqueline,” I said, smiling, still nuzzled close to her. She released me and stepped back, looking me up and down.

  “Don't you look beautiful? That dress is stunning. Are you feeling better now?” she asked lightening the interrogation with a compliment. To be fair, my red sparkling Christmas Eve dress was gorgeous. Jaqueline knew about everything, and although it hadn't been my decision to tell her, I knew it was for the best. My counsellor agreed that being honest and not bottling up emotion in front of the people closest to me would help me in being true to myself. Callum had come clean about Louise, too, and of course Jaqueline had been distraught. Callum was her only chance of becoming a grandmother, so naturally it hit her hard. They’d even cancelled their Christmas holiday and decided to spend it with us.

  “I’m doing really well. Starting to feel much better,” I said confidently. It had been a while since I’d started to be able to talk about my feelings with confidence. I’d spent months not knowing whether I was coming or going. It had been an emotional rollercoaster that derailed itself every day or so before it was finally able to re-join the tracks.

  “I can tell. You look as if you’re glowing. You have colour in your face. It's about time. I can't wait to spend Christmas with you, Tamsin. Now, you go and relax, watch some Christmas TV and enjoy yourself. I’ll do the food.” I wasn't going to argue. Peace and quiet in front of the television was a no brainer, but I knew why she wanted that. She was very particular about food, so this way she was in control.

  Gayboy x

  24th December 2018

  [13:57]

  On my way. Hoe Hoe Hoe.

  I showed Callum the text Liam had sent. He was a genius.

  “Oh god. Should we warn them?” Callum laughed, referring to his parents.

  “I’m sure he will be on his best behaviour.” I hoped so.

  Christmas songs filled the whole house while Callum's parents pottered around each of the rooms making our home look even more festive. They hung extra baubles from their house on our tree to give it that Jaqueline approved look. I could just about see her rearranging the tinsel that had been wrapped around the hallway bannister.

  “I’m here, bitches.” Liam walked in without a knock, shouting at the top of his voice. I looked at Callum in horror and he returned the same look of panic.

  “You must be Liam. I'm Jaqueline. Nice to meet you,” she said in a posher than usual voice.

  “Hi, Jackie. Sorry about saying bitches.”

  “Don't worry about that. It's Christmas.”

  Callum and I both sighed in relief. Although, not only had he sworn but he’d also called her Jackie. I rolled my eyes.

  He gets away with everything.

  “Who’s ready for Secret Santa?” Liam walked into the lounge carrying a gift bag and placed it under the tree amongst the others, before sitting on the floor like a child fidgeting on a sugar rush. He was wearing a grey jumper with bits of glitter subtly woven through it, paired with black skinny jeans. He hadn't bothered to take his shoes off. That was typical of him.

  “I think we're ready. I’ll go get Dad from the kitchen if you guys want to set up?” Callum jumped up from the sofa to hustle him into the lounge, and Liam helped me pull the presents from under the tree. I kept Callum's presents nestled under so he had something to open on Christmas Day. Liam was as giddy as ever, smiling and laughing at everything. He had worked incredibly hard over the past few weeks, finishing the orders he had taken for completion before Christmas. His fashion made my job easy. Every time a drag queen was seen wearing his work, I'd get dozens of enquires through the social media pages I had set up for him. They were turning out to be an unintended online portfolio and he had gained just over five hundred page likes in just three weeks.

  We all gathered together in the lounge, sat in a circle surrounding the presents on the floor, and each took it in turns to open them. I gave Liam his makeup as well as a bottle of Prosecco I’d purchased at last minute to get to our present budget, and he was thrilled. Liam gave Callum a very revealing Christmas themed jock strap, which made everyone laugh. Even his mum continued to surprise me and chuckled. Callum also opened a stylish shoulder bag, which Liam had very clearly taken the time to personalise. CD had been sown into it in bright cotton. His gifts put my lousy makeup and Prosecco to shame.

  “Oh wow. That's amazing. Thanks, Liam.” Callum got up to give Liam a hug and then sat back down, grabbing a gift bag on his way. “And this is for you, T. Happy Secret Santa. Sorry it's not much. You can open your real present tomorrow.” He passed me an alcohol shaped bag with a card perched on the top. I instantly went for the present first, out of habit, revealing a bottle of champagne. He couldn’t have known me better. I then opened the card and started to read.

  Tamsin. Thank you for being you. The past six months have gone so fast. Loving you has been like a whirlwind, and that's not a bad thing. Every moment with you is exciting. It's a laugh. 90% of the time, it’s sarcasm, and I love it. I love you and every little thing about you. Never change and always be yourself. Here’s to our future, starting with our very first holiday together. Mark your calendar and grab your passport because on the 12th February we're going to Lanzarote. Love you forever. Let’s make memories xxx

  My mouth sat agape with everyone around me smiling in anticipation. I'd never been abroad before. Liam and I had been planning on going to celebrate finishing university, but once Mum had got ill, those plans went straight out of the window.

  “He's taking me to Lanzarote!” I squealed in excitement, stumbling across the floor to grab hold of Callum. I couldn't believe it.

  “I love you, T.”

  Liam tried to persuade Callum to take him instead, claiming it wasn't too late to get out of his relationship with me. He was such a comedian. Callum's parents loved Liam, too. Every time he opened his mouth, their laughter was deafening.

  “You can open your gift from us tomorrow, Tamsin. I'm going to go start the hot food now. Everything should be ready in about forty-five minutes,” Jaqueline said as she popped off to the kitchen.

  “You're staying for food, right?” I asked Liam.

  “Do you even have to ask?”

  A distinct smell poured from the kitchen and filled my nose. I started to gag as bile started to turn in my stomach.

  Not again.

  I rushed to the downstairs bathroom, knowing that in a few seconds I would be violently sick. The last time I’d been sick was around two days before, so it was getting better. I just about made it into the downstairs loo before my vomit filled the bowl. I could hear murmurs from behind the closed door, as Jaqueline and Richard became concerned.

 
; “I’m okay,” I said, in between catching my breath and throwing up. I sat on the floor with my elbows resting on the toilet rim and my hands holding back my hair. I had become used to throwing up. I knew once it was over I’d feel better.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Richard's deep voice bounced off the bathroom door.

  “What made you feel sick?” Jaqueline interrupted.

  “I’m fine. I'm used to it. It's the medication. It's made me more sensitive to smells,” I quickly said, making sure not to look away from the toilet to avoid mess.

  “Sweetie, can I come in?” Jaqueline knocked at the door and I hummed in response. She shut the door behind her and placed her hand on my back, rubbing it gently.

  “Tamsin, it's not the medication that's making you sick. I think you might be pregnant.”

  My elbows fell off the toilet and my body went limp. I sat there listening to the bustling of voices echoing in the hallway. How had I not realised sooner? I was pregnant.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  Christmas Eve turned into an explosion of emotions. Callum rushed to the local pharmacy to get me a pregnancy test and came back with five of them, just to be sure. My whole family, including Liam, stood outside nervously while I tried yoga moves, attempting to figure out which one was most effective to wee on a stick. I took each test, drinking pints of water in between, not quite sure how I’d feel if it was positive. Each one read positive. There was no denying I was pregnant. I should have realised. Even the doctor should have. Liam and Callum had an excuse, as they didn’t have a clue what to look out for. I waited until I’d finished all the tests then opened the bathroom door to tell them. They surrounded me, eager for the news, all of them with smiles plastered on their faces.

  “It's positive. I'm going to have a baby.” Before I could finish, cheers roared through the hallway. I tried to hide my mixed emotions, thinking back to how I’d thought my life would turn out. I’d had a plan, which had now been screwed up like a piece of paper and tossed in the bin. I felt I had no control once again, and that shook me. On the other hand, I knew I wanted to have a child. I’d just always thought it would come in my thirties, along with the job security and marriage I had hoped for before then.

  “I’m so happy for you. I'm going to be a grandma,” Jaqueline said, tearing up. Richard shook Callum's hand, which ended in a blubbering man hug.

  “As if you’re up the duff,” Liam said jesting, but I knew it came with love.

  “I know. I don't know if I'm ready to be a mum. What about the money? Babies are expensive, and loud.”

  “That's what Uncle Liam is for. To look after it when you need a break. To make them laugh instead of cry. To teach them that it's okay to sleep with more than one person in a day,” He said laughing, and for once Jaqueline looked horrified.

  “LIAM!” I tried not to laugh myself.

  “No, but seriously. You mentioned money. Callum has a good job, and you work for me. I know it’s not a proper income yet, but it’s more of a reason for us to be great. We will succeed.” Liam held onto my hand and grabbed onto Callum.

  “I told you this before. We're a team,” Callum assured me.

  He was right. We were a team. Every single one of us was lucky to have the other. I knew we would make it work. My support system was something of a comic book, surrounded by my own personal superheroes. I didn't have to worry at all.

  Once everyone had calmed and Callum's parents had offered us money, emotional support, and babysitting for life, we sat together in the lounge. The Christmas lights twinkled creating patterns across the living room walls.

  Jaqueline and Richard had gone to another room, making calls to announce the news. I knew my mum would have been doing the same if she’d been there. Knowing her, she would have organised a party. I sat against Callum, with his arm propping a pillow up for me to rest against. I'd thought he couldn't get more caring, but I was wrong. I sat staring into space, barely listening to Callum and Liam talking constantly about the child on the way, until their conversation caught my attention.

  “So I will make you a deal. You go near her vagina while she's giving birth and I’ll hold her hand while she's pushing,” Liam said in a serious tone.

  “Why can't I hold her hand? I don't want to see that,” Callum said terrified.

  “NO ONE IS GOING NEAR MY VAGINA!” I commanded, both of them sitting awkwardly. Liam giggled; he couldn't keep a straight face for too long.

  “I’m hungry,” Liam pointed out.

  We hadn't had food yet, but finding out someone was pregnant took priority. I blamed Jaqueline. She clearly didn't care much for cooking those mini sausage rolls now that she was going to be a grandparent. Pure selfishness.

  “I think we could all eat. I will go get everything ready.” Callum to the rescue, again. I had struck lucky with that one. Liam continued talking about the baby, questioning me, asking things that hadn't even had chance to cross my mind. It was good; it made me think. It made me realise how unprepared I was even though Jaqueline had already promised to pay for all of the nursery furniture.

  “Do you want a boy or a girl? What about names? What will you call it?” he quizzed as if I was on some sort of TV show, not telling me if my answers were correct or not.

  “Woah, Liam. One question at a time.” I tried to calm him. “I don't mind either to be honest. Don't get me started on names. You know I have my plan, baby names written down so I wouldn't forget.”

  Madison if it was a girl and Mason if it was a boy. That’s what I’d planned anyway. But as I’d realised, plans changed.

  “Can you go to our room a sec, T?” Callum asked, interrupting me.

  “Yeah, sure.” He sounded serious. I walked upstairs into our room to find his journal sat open on the bed. I remembered how reading his diary last time hadn't ended well, so I was dubious to see it. I approached it slowly to find that the top clearly read my name.

  Tamsin. I've left this out for you so that you can read it. It’s okay. I want you to. Christmas Day hasn't arrived yet and I can already tell it's going to be the best one yet. I know this time of year is going to be difficult for you, and that's okay. I know your mum would be over the moon right now. She would probably be organising some sort of gathering to show you off. Having a baby isn't part of your plan right now. I know we've spoken about that. It wasn’t part of our plan, but now it is. I couldn't be happier.

  Anyway, you’ll notice that there are no more pages in this journal. I've ripped them out. The past few years have been crazy for me, too, and I found peace by writing everything down, but now I have you. I don't need to write in here anymore. I know that whatever my concerns or however I'm feeling, I can talk to you. I hope that you can do the same with me.

  Sometimes I wish I was better at saying these words to your face, and I promise I will try to get better. I'll need to, now that I can't leave you any more notes in here.

  I love you, T.

  I'd spent my life fighting against the tide, trying to plan out every little detail of my future. I'd grown up thinking that plans, goals and aspirations were as one, but they were entirely different. My life had been planned before my eyes, way before my eighteenth birthday, and I really should have let fate decide. I couldn't lose anyone else. I'd had my fair share of pain so maybe this baby was the ray of sunshine I needed, along with Liam and Callum.

  Was I going to be with Callum forever? I hoped so.

  Was I going to work for Liam for the rest of my life? Probably not. I knew he’d always be around to bug me, though.

  Was the rest of my life going to be filled with more drama and things I couldn’t control? Absolutely.

  All I had to do was live for the moment and enjoy the calm in the storm that was my life while it lasted. This baby could be what defined me. Not a job. A home. A car. Instead, someone that I could love eternally and they could love me back.

  Just like me and Mum.

  EPILOGUE

  “You didn't both have to
come, you know?” I said to Callum and Liam as I sat on the hospital bed, waiting to be examined. They looked like a pair of nervous gay dads, waiting to find out if the baby was okay.

  “This is fancy shit, isn’t it?” Liam said, looking around the room. He wasn’t wrong. I was half expecting the walls to be covered in posters of cartoon wombs. Instead they were a clean white. Not one mark. Instead, there were two flat screen TVs and even a plant. I did not fit in, but what was I expecting? Jaqueline wanted only the best for us, so we had to go private.

  We sat waiting for the nurse to come back. She’d trotted off after introducing herself as Joy, and had been gone for a while. It felt a long time, anyway.

  “So, today is your first scan. Are you nervous?” she said in a strong African accent as she burst back into the room. I nodded. “You don't have to be nervous. I’ll scan your tummy–the gel will be cold–and then we’ll see your baby on the monitor,” she said reassuringly as she put on some disposable gloves.

  “So, will I find out how far gone I am today?” I asked nervously, trying to get comfy and not slide off the hospital bed.

  “Yes, and the gender if you’d like.”

  As Joy continued to do her thing, my eyes wandered around the room anxiously. Nerves I had never felt before filled my stomach, unlike anything I had felt in the past. Even more than waiting for the grade of my degree to be posted online. The other two sat still on their chairs, practically on each other’s laps, waiting for the nurse to open her mouth. Their eyes followed her movements.

  She wasn’t joking about the cold gel.

  I wasn’t looking around the room anymore, but fixated on my stomach and the screen in front of me.

  “If you look here, this is your baby.” She pointed to one of the TVs, with the image appearing in wide screen. You look around fourteen weeks, so the baby must have been conceived around the first week of October,” she said, seeming certain.