Tamsin

by D J Cook

  I'm going to be okay.

  The town centre was bustling with people carrying shopping bags full of toys in preparation for Christmas Day. Christmas had to be the best time of year. The smell of cinnamon poured out of the cafes, the friendly smiles from people passing in the shops and you couldn’t beat the deals. I loved going into Boot's to buy presents, but often I’d end up buying two gifts and keeping the free ones for myself. They were free, after all. I swanned around the aisles, finding joy in the smallest of things. I loved to shop, even if I wasn’t buying anything. I loved the interaction and browsing. A lot of the time I’d be day dreaming. I picked up Liam's favourite concealer and foundation for his Secret Santa present before heading to the ‘3 for 2’ aisle to fill my basket. My face lit up as I grabbed a Disney Princess Ariel makeup brush set for Liam, and some Marvel merchandise for Callum. I only had to buy for Liam this year, but I couldn’t not give Callum a present. The Marvel slippers featured all the Avengers on the front and were perfect for wearing in his house. Our house. It was only fair that the pair of Smelly Cat socks I placed in my basket were for me. I continued to walk around, touching almost every item I passed, and found myself looking at the lipsticks.

  Mum’s favourite lipstick. She loves this colour.

  I dropped the lipstick in my basket without thinking, out of habit, and then it dawned on me. I had forgotten Mum had died. I'd forgotten she wasn't going to be around for Christmas. No annual trip to the Christmas markets together, where instead of browsing, we’d end up getting drunk on mulled wine, Baileys hot chocolate and any other alcohol abundant Christmas drink we could find. No watching Christmas movies, drowning in duvets, and no Mum’s Christmas dinner. Her gravy could have been used as a currency in our house. It was so delicious I’d always made deals with her to give me more. I stopped in my tracks and tried to hold back the tears that were building up inside my lids. I stared at the shelves, not making eye contact with anyone, because I’d feel weak.

  “Do you need any help?” a store assistant asked. I looked up, tears blurring my vision, barely making out the bold black colour of his glasses.

  “I’m okay.” I said swiftly.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, concerned at seeing tears falling down my face.

  “Positive.” I sniffed, and continued to walk around the store, not ready to face another person and pay. I could have run out of the store, but I didn’t, so that was a win for me. Inside, I wasn't holding it together, my emotions fighting to see the light of day.

  The self-checkouts.

  I avoided speaking to the checkout lady and placed my basket on the self-checkout counter. I scanned the items one by one, including the red lipstick, which I held onto longer than any of the other items.

  *Card Declined - Please Try Again*

  I pulled my card from the reader looking around, rubbed the chip and placed it back in.

  *Card Declined - Please Try Again*

  “We've been having trouble with that self-checkout all day. It may take a couple of tries,” the assistant said, swinging the checkout fob around her neck.

  “I’ll just try a different card.” I awkwardly reached into my purse and held onto my credit card. It wasn't the machine. I’d run out of money. I had dreaded looking at my bank account online, so I hadn't bothered. I was embarrassed to say the least. I hated being in debt. This was the first transaction the credit card had seen since my first year of university.

  “Ah there you go, that’s all gone through,” the lady said, reading off the screen.

  “Thank you.” I grabbed my bag and quickly tried to dart out of the store. A Macmillan volunteer stood collecting donations near the exit. I flustered and reached again for my purse, this time tipping out any change I had into the bucket before leaving.

  They need the money more than I do.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  I shuffled through the front door with the shopping bags that clashed against my thighs, and placed them on the kitchen floor. Travelling back from the town centre didn’t go as planned. A taxi wasn’t an option–they didn’t accept card and my small town didn’t have the luxuries of Uber just yet. Instead, I got on a bus, using what little money I had on my debit card. Passengers filled the seats and stood in the aisle of the bus like sardines, jerking forward in time as it stopped at every goddamn bus stop. I was the epitome of a Brit. I hated queues, public transport, and when you held a door open for someone and they didn’t say thank you. That was the worst.

  I sat on one of the breakfast bar stools with all of my body weight slumped against the table, and contemplated my latest predicament. I had no money. No job to earn money. I was all but ready to give up, let the vultures come and scavenge on what was left of me. It was atrocious timing, too. Christmas was just around the corner and I had less than ten pounds to my name. Luckily, I’d bought presents for my favourites, so they weren't going to go without. I had to show my love to them, and try to make up for how I'd been acting for the best part of a month.

  I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house, waiting for Callum to return from work. It took me back to the routine I’d had when mum was ill. I'd cleaned from top to bottom, not because the house was dirty, but because it was a distraction. It was hard to clean around the clutter anyway.

  Callum didn’t know the extent of my financial problems. He knew I wanted to do Secret Santa for that reason, but I had to tell him I was struggling, talk about how I had no money and form a plan together to sort me out. That’s what couples did. What families did. Until then, I cleaned.

  My counsellor would be proud.

  “Honey, I'm home,” Callum said theatrically, his voice carrying throughout the house.

  “You're such a cheese ball,” I yelled back at him.

  “I could definitely eat some cheese balls right now,” he said, greeting me with a soft kiss to my forehead. I caressed his cheek, which was covered in light stubble, darker than usual. The smirk on his face began to change, as he looked deep in my eyes. They were brighter than I'd ever seen them before, or maybe I’d only just started to pay attention to them. I locked my hands at the back of his neck and pulled his mouth closer to mine, placing another kiss on his soft lips.

  “What was that for?” He spoke softly, his forehead resting on mine.

  “I’ve just missed you. That’s all.” I wasn't lying. I had missed him. His affection. His everything.

  “You seem in a good mood. So it went okay today?” He planted another kiss on my lips while waiting for me to respond. His fingers played with a piece of my curled hair that had fallen out of place as he leant over me intimately.

  “It did. But enough talk, for now anyway.” I pulled him in closer once more, craving his touch I’d not felt for so long. I'd been deprived of him, but that was my own fault. His knees forced my legs to close as he climbed onto the chair, astride me. His lips wrapped around mine and our tongues twisted together in unison. As our lips were still locked together, his hands fell from my hair and left a tingling sensation from my shoulder blade to my breasts. His mouth, buried in the crease of my neck, left a trail of wet kisses that drove me crazy. I let out a slight moan, which spurred him on further. We had been physically starved of love, and it was time to rightfully reclaim what was deserved.

  I lay on the sofa, panting, catching my breath as the material below stuck to me. Every inch of Callum's body lay bare against mine, only parted slightly by the sweat beads between us. His intimate touch left me quivering for more, as he stroked from my breasts down to my waist. We gazed at each other, longing for the love we had. The glisten in his eyes was captivating; I couldn’t look away. Every so often, he planted a kiss randomly on my face, his eyes still inviting me in for more. He playfully nudged my chin with his nose, wanting me to move a certain way so he could kiss me some more. He loved me. Cared for me. I could tell. His eyes said it all. It had been so long since our last time, and nothing else mattered as we lay there.

  “Was that the door?” He pr
actically jumped out of his skin and dove to floor as he realised he was stood with nothing but his socks on, in front of the living room window. Our clothes had been launched across the room as we’d passionately ripped them off each other. As Callum attempted to redress himself, another knock thudded against his front door. I just lay there, too tranquil to care after the sex.

  “Coming!” Callum shouted.

  “Didn’t you say that around ten minutes ago?” I teased him, still lying quite happily on the sofa.

  “Shhhhh.” He blushed slightly as he got up after fighting with his clothes. I looked at the ceiling, practically in a trance, in my own little world as Callum answered the door. I was then slowly pulled out of my daydream by the distinctive sound of Liam's voice.

  “Don't go in there,” I heard Callum shout from the hallway. I grabbed the sofa's throw with haste and wrapped it around me, concealing all my curves. Liam walked into the living room with a huge grin on his face, and I tried to play it cool, but my beetroot face had already snitched.

  “Have I interrupted something?” he asked rhetorically, smug as anything. “Oh well. Hope you were finished. I want Chinese and I know you guys will get it with me. Mum’s got them all eating healthy crap today and I want to treat myself after working so hard.” Liam had a habit of making himself at home no matter where he was. We could be sitting in a bar and he would take off his shoes to get comfy.

  “You're the boss.” I laughed, still trying to hide my bare skin. I wasn't going to argue about getting Chinese. I'd been craving it myself. I just had no idea how I’d pay for it.

  “I’ll let you put some clothes on…” Liam shuddered at me in an over-dramatic way and nudged Callum as he went through to the kitchen. “Hey, stud,” he said in a seductive voice and winked at Callum, being the usual flirt he had no trouble being.

  “Oh god. He saw me, didn’t he?” Callum asked, all of a sudden very self-conscious.

  “No. Don’t be silly. He's always like that around you. I thought you were used to it.” I laughed, fixing my hair as Callum gathered my clothes for me.

  “I am used to it. But I've just been naked. Any other time I would encourage flirting. I love to mess with him, but… like we've just had sex.”

  “I have no idea what you are getting at. It’s fine. Look. Let me ask,” I said, preparing my voice to shout. “LIAM, COME HERE!”

  “No. T, don’t.” Callum looked awkward as Liam walked through from the kitchen.

  “Callum is worried you saw him naked. Did you?” I asked bluntly, trying to make a point.

  “No, why? Should I have?” Liam asked, joking in his usual way.

  “See? Now, will you both go and get the Chinese menu and decide what you want while I get dressed.” They both turned for the kitchen, and left me to get dressed. My curls had become a matted mess, from my scalp right down to the split ends I so desperately needed sorting. I was about to uncover myself and get dressed as Liam peeked half his body around the living room door frame.

  “Lucky bitch,” he said, flashing another wink in my direction, and used his hands spread apart to portray a rough size of what he clearly had seen.

  “I know, right!”

  I looked down the menu trying to find something tasty, but cheap. Unfortunately, my eyes were always bigger than my belly when it came to food. I always ordered way more than I needed.

  Not anymore, not until I get a job.

  I tried to make a meal by combining side dishes in hopes it would work out cheaper.

  “So, I will have a portion of chips, a fried rice and a small gravy,” I said, my mouth filling as I thought about the salt and pepper chicken dish.

  “Is that it? Are you okay?” Callum looked confused, and well, Liam looked speechless.

  “Yeah, I'm fine, just not too hungry. I had a big lunch,” I lied in embarrassment. Callum had never worried about money. His parents saw to that, and Liam had worked since the end of high school. He was always coming up with new ways to save money, including sneaking alcohol into clubs, where pretty much all of his disposable income would be rinsed if he didn’t.

  “You can order what you want. Both of you. I have booked in six bespoke dresses over the next two months, and today I handed in my notice at the pub. Tonight is on me.” Liam insisted I ordered more food, and well, he didn’t have to tell me twice. Callum popped the cork on a bottle of champagne that he’d been saving for a special occasion.

  It was embarrassing to admit that I was in this position, having no money to my name, especially as my emotional resources were finally restoring. With the help of medication, counselling and my two favourites, I was healing. I had to tell them both I was struggling. It was the right thing to do so I could heal some more. I reached into my bag and pulled out the red lipstick and placed it on the table in front of me. I plucked courage from deep inside and opened my mouth. I was so full of nerves, they poured out of my mouth quicker than the words. No more bottling things up.

  “I went shopping today, for Secret Santa presents. I saw this lipstick, the same as the one she gave me, and thought it would suit Mum. I put it in my basket without even thinking,” I said as both of their faces saddened. “It's okay. You don’t have to say anything. I'm okay, but when I got to the till, my card declined. I had to buy all the presents on my credit card. I've run out of money and I don't know what to do.” I looked down, unnerved after confiding in them.

  “Okay, that's tough, but you know we’re here for you, T. We're a team, and we’ll get you through it. Right, Liam?” Callum said, reassuring me, wanting Liam to affirm him.

  “Absolutely. I'm here for you, but I need you to be here for me, too,” Liam said cryptically. He knew I was there for him so I struggled to understand what he meant.

  “What do you mean? We're best friends. I'm not going anywhere.”

  “That's right. We are best friends, and we help each other out when we’re in need. I'm in need, just like you. There is no way I can fulfil all of these drag orders and manage my new business, too. I need to focus on the designing of fashion statements, but I need you to be my business manager.” I was gobsmacked. He must have been joking.

  “Are you being serious right now?” I jumped out of my seat, overcome with a feeling of hope.

  “I’m not saying it’s going to be mega bucks. I’m still getting on my feet, but we can work out a commission structure and wage on all the bookings you get for me. All you would need to do is manage my diary, put a couple of posts on social media, the sort of stuff you could do in your sleep. Oh, and you can do all of it from home. And, we would get to spend more time together. There is literally no downside. I need you, especially if I’m going to continue doing this as long term as I’d like. Let's combine our expertise, Tamsin. We will be a force to be reckoned with. What do you say?”

  “Absolutely fucking yes,” I screamed and practically jumped on him with excitement. “Oh my god. I can't believe it. When can I start?”

  “Tomorrow. Tonight, we are best friends. Tomorrow, business partners.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  A couple of weeks later, I woke on Christmas Eve morning with such a huge grin on my face. I hadn't been sleeping well over the past few weeks and I normally slept for Britain. Despite not having much energy, I was feeling good. Great in fact. Christmas was my absolute favourite time of the year. The counselling sessions had been helping tremendously, too, and even though I wouldn't be going through the usual traditions with Mum, I’d accepted it. There was no way to bring her back, and that was okay. Callum had even taken me to the Christmas markets. It was hard, not walking around with Mum, laughing at the smallest of things and tasting all the free samples we could get our hands on. We still got drunk, though, which was nice. It was nice to feel normal again. Happy, even. Especially with Callum.

  That morning paved the way for a new tradition. Callum's parents were coming to our house for Christmas, and we were expecting them any moment. Callum had already left the crisp cold bed
, no doubt trying to make the place look like a showroom before they arrived. I admired that about him. I grabbed my phone and made my way downstairs, catching up on my notifications from the night before.

  Gayboy x

  24th December 2018

  [9:45am]

  See you at 2pm for Secret Santa. Can’t wait! xoxo

  Liam was clearly in a good mood, too. He was never one to put kisses in a text, unless he was drunk or flirting. I had to admit to myself that the thought of Liam meeting Jaqueline and Richard did make me shudder with nerves. Liam had spent most of his life trying to fit inside a box that society called acceptable. Our time at university had taught him it was okay to be different, and so he’d embraced it. I’d embraced it, too. Liam had a way with words, and a filter he often chose not to use, but that was what made him, well, Liam. I couldn't ask him to tone himself down, to tweak his personality like some sort of robot. If they didn’t love him, tough.

  “Liam is coming at two.” I shouted behind Callum, sneaking up on him while he tidied the coat closet.

  “Jesus, how do you do that? You're like a ninja.” He jumped out of his skin. I wished he’d have jumped out of his clothes. That plain white t-shirt was a staple of his wardrobe. It made him look good, and he knew it. His biceps bulged from the seams, not wanting to be contained. I wrapped my arms around his torso, holding onto his abs like they were a rock-climbing wall.

  “I’m sorry.” I kissed his neck, tiptoeing and still holding onto him. “I’m gonna go get some breakfast. I’m absolutely starving. Join me when you can. Or I can come help you in a bit if you want?”

  “You don't need to help, T. I'm all good,” he said softly once I released him from my caring embrace. “It's not like you to be hungry in the morning, You've been eating breakfast loads recently,” he pointed out.