At Seventeen

by Gerri Hill

  “Honey, all of that is great. It really is. But having someone in your heart,” she said, clutching her chest, “is the only important thing.”

  “Hopefully someday I’ll find someone,” Shannon said. “And I can’t believe you’re being so…so normal about it,” she said.

  “You mean because Madison is a woman? Oh, I admit, it was upsetting at the time. It wasn’t anything I understood. Two girls? I didn’t know what to do or say, so I said nothing. But watching you, the way you looked at her, the way she looked at you, there was no doubting the love between you.”

  “No doubting it? She got married. There was plenty of doubt.”

  “I would venture to guess that she was as frightened by her love for you as she was the prospect of marrying a man she had no interest in.”

  Shannon only shrugged.

  Her mother smiled sadly at her. “Madison and I have grown close these last ten years. Ashton, of course, was part of it. The only time Madison has any life in her eyes is when Ashton is around. I worry now, what with him gone.” She reached across the table and grasped Shannon’s hand. “Madison has changed. The last four or five years, she’s come out of her shell a little. At least with me. I fear her mother still has a heavy hand on her.” She pulled her hand away, staring off into space. “You were probably too young at the time to see it, to understand it, but Madison’s mother was far more controlling than even you—or Madison—realized.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It was like a script. Every little detail. Everything had a purpose. What lessons she took and when. Music lessons, dance, tennis. It was all prearranged. Madison had no say. Her wardrobe, from the day she was born until well after her marriage, her mother chose everything. As you said, she had Stephen Cole picked out for her, just like she had her college picked out, her wedding date, her child’s name.”

  “‘Ashton’?”

  “Yes. Everything in her life, every detail, was planned by her mother. Madison, although she hides it well, has no self-esteem, no confidence. She was never allowed the chance to grow into her own person, she was never allowed to make decisions, good or bad.” She took Shannon’s hand again. “I used to think that Mrs. Lansford thought of Madison as a doll, a play toy. She simply moved her from scene to scene, everything already set up and waiting for her, like a dollhouse. Madison just had to be there and play the part. So very sad for a young girl.”

  “Yes. But Madison allowed it. When she was older, she could have stopped it,” Shannon said, remembering the day Madison had told her she was getting married. Shannon had begged her not to do it, but she doubted it ever crossed Madison’s mind to say “no.”

  “Well, like I said, she had no confidence. But she’s changed. I can see her growing, little by little. Ashton has helped. But I worry, now that he’s gone. That’s why, Shannon, if nothing else, maybe you two can at least salvage your friendship. Her old friends from school, well, they’re so different from Madison. They are who Mrs. Lansford wanted to turn Madison into. I’d like to think that you had a part in keeping her grounded.”

  “Madison never quite fit the mold. She hated it. Do you remember how they would always throw a big birthday party for her?”

  “Yes, to which you were never invited.”

  “Right. And she hated it, but she played the game. But the next day, we would have our own birthday party. Just us.”

  “You always asked me to make a small cake for you.”

  Shannon smiled at the memories. “Yeah. That was all she wanted.”

  Her mother squeezed her hand again. “Shannon, what she wanted was to be with you. That’s all.”

  Shannon nodded. It wasn’t the cake. It was never that simple. She sighed and pulled her hand away from her mother. “It’s too late to go back, Mom. She’s married, she’s got a whiz kid, has her own life now. And I’ve got mine. We’re so far apart. I don’t know if we can ever get our friendship back.”

  Her mother stood, signaling—thankfully—an end to their conversation. “Give it a chance, Shannon. Madison needs you in her life. And I think you need her.”

  “Mom—”

  “Please? For me?”

  “Really? You’re going to play that card?”

  Her mother smiled. “Of course. When you’re my age and battling cancer, you can play that card a lot.”

  Shannon laughed. “Okay. For you. I’ll give it a chance.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Madison opened her eyes, giving up hope that sleep would come quickly for once. Stephen lay beside her, facing the opposite wall, his even breathing doing little to lull her to sleep. She wondered why they still bothered to share a bed. Ashton was gone. He was the only reason they continued to pretend their marriage was…normal.

  She bit her lip. Of course Ashton knew the truth. She suspected long ago he knew his parents weren’t happy. But she, like Stephen, pretended that he didn’t know. It was easier that way, easier than facing reality.

  She rolled her head slightly, staring at Stephen’s back. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d had sex. Too many years to recall. She’d always been able to go through the motions, to disconnect her mind from her body. For some reason, that last time, she couldn’t. She couldn’t do it anymore. She’d cried, almost hysterically. She hadn’t been able to stop and it had scared him, she knew. But like most things in their life—in their marriage—they never discussed it. She assumed Stephen had a mistress now as that was the last time he attempted to touch her. In public, they went through the motions, both pretending that they had a wonderful marriage. To the outside world, she was the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect mother.

  She and Stephen still shared a bed. She was still his wife. She was still as unhappy as she’d been sixteen years ago when they’d married. And even though Ashton had given her his “blessing,” as he’d called it, she was terrified to make a change.

  Terrified to make a decision.

  Because decisions were never hers to make. That was left to her mother, even years after she had married. More recently, decisions were left to Stephen. Never her. It was her own fault for never standing up to her mother, for allowing her to have so much control. She had never learned how to say no to her. Growing up, she was so conditioned to follow her mother’s every wish, she didn’t realize how manipulated she really was. The only part of her life that her mother never controlled was her time with Shannon. The moments with Shannon were precious and few, but nonetheless they were also the happiest moments in her life.

  In the last fifteen years, they’d hardly seen each other, much less talked, but on the few occasions they had, it reminded her again how empty her life was. Even when they quarreled, even when Shannon had told her she couldn’t see her anymore, those were precious moments because they were real. Whether they were stealing kisses or Shannon was telling her goodbye, her heart broke equally as much. Because Shannon—as much as she wanted her—was someone she could never have.

  Now here they’d come full circle. Shannon was back. They’d actually been able to interact with each other in a normal way. It had felt so good to be with her, near her, again. Alice and Jarod had welcomed her into their family and she enjoyed sharing a meal with them all. But it was Shannon who drew her, like always.

  Shannon was back.

  How were they going to handle it? Would they try to build a friendship again? Could they? Could they be alone together and not—God—want to rip each other’s clothes off? She took a quick breath, remembering how it had been with Shannon. Always so intense, their attraction greater than either of them could control.

  She glanced again at Stephen’s sleeping form, wondering if he was as unhappy as she was. Or even questioning if he cared. A separation and divorce probably never entered his mind. With his political aspirations about to kick off—he was going to run for the Senate—he couldn’t afford anything to mar his reputation.

  She closed her eyes. Did she dare broach the subject with h
im? She could picture his reaction—and her mother’s—if she announced she was leaving him, leaving the marriage. Shocked? Not shocked that she was unhappy and wanted out—he knew that already. But shocked that she would actually utter the words out loud, that she would actually contemplate leaving him.

  Was she strong enough? Could she fight him and her mother? Their assault would be relentless, she imagined. She would be treading on sacred ground should she tarnish the Lansford and Cole names by getting a divorce.

  She knew the only person she trusted to talk this out with was Shannon but would it be fair to put her through that? She had caused her so much pain already. If she was going to make a change and leave Stephen, then she needed to be able to do it on her own.

  Oh, but it would be nice to have a friend to lean on.

  Would Shannon do that for her? Would she be her friend? Could she be?

  Chapter Twenty

  Shannon’s eyes were glued to the screen, her right hand moving the mouse slowly as she added a round table near the deli bar. Would that go over in Brook Hill? Would people actually come to the store to have breakfast? Lunch?

  “Gotta do something with all this space,” she murmured as she changed the low round table to a taller, square table. Three tables, two chairs at each.

  “Busy?”

  She glanced up, finding Madison watching her from the doorway. She smiled quickly, surprised to see her. Sitting back, she motioned her inside her bedroom-office. The desk had taken up what little room was left after she’d moved in her bed from home. There wasn’t room for an extra chair.

  “I’m sorry. It’s a little cramped.”

  “I don’t want to interrupt,” Madison said. “I came to visit Alice.”

  “Oh.” Shannon reminded herself that Madison was friends with her mother, not her. Madison smiled at her, albeit a little nervously.

  “Are you working on the design?”

  “Yeah.” Shannon paused, then turned her laptop toward Madison. “Here, take a look,” she said. She saved what she’d been working on, then pulled up a smaller scale schematic of the inside. “Our stores are on the small side, the largest being ten thousand square feet and the smallest—the first one—only seven thousand. So this one will be huge for us. It’s over twenty thousand square feet. Twice what we’re used to,” she said. “I’m not sure I can double our inventory, so I’ve got to fill the space somehow.” She pulled up the deli area again. “I want to make an eating area. Like a food court, with different options. It wouldn’t be entirely vegan or vegetarian,” she said. “Nothing commercial or factory farmed. That’s off limits. But we try to buy locally when we can. Has to be organic. A salad bar, a taco bar, a—” She stopped. “Sorry. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about all that.”

  “No. It’s exciting.”

  Shannon leaned back. “I don’t know if I would call it exciting, but I enjoy the planning stages.”

  Madison nodded. “And it shows.” She hesitated, her eyes darting around the room before coming back to Shannon. “I was wondering if…if you’d like to come over for…dinner. Tonight.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Shannon said. “No offense, but the last thing I want to do is have dinner with you and Stephen,” she said.

  Madison shook her head. “Stephen is…well, it doesn’t matter. He’s away. He won’t be there.”

  Their eyes met, and Shannon tried to read Madison, wondering what she was planning. She finally looked away, glancing to her screen instead. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, we’d be alone.”

  Madison’s eyes widened. “Are you worried about…”

  “Well…”

  Madison smiled. “I have no ulterior motives, if that’s what you’re worried about. The last time we saw each other, we agreed there would be no…no affair,” she said, her voice quiet. “Seeing as how it’s been five years since we’ve seen each other and I’m still married…”

  Shannon chewed her lower lip, then finally shrugged. “Okay. You’re right. We should be past that by now anyway.”

  Madison met her eyes again. “I miss you in my life. I miss a lot of things,” she added with a quick smile. “But I miss talking to you. I miss you being my friend. I don’t have anybody I’m close with, anyone I can talk to.” She took a deep breath. “I just really need to talk, Shannon.”

  Shannon nodded, wondering if she wanted to be that person Madison leaned on. Could she be? But as always, she had a hard time saying “no” to Madison.

  “Okay. Where and when?”

  She slid over a notepad to Madison, who quickly jotted down her address. After only a slight pause, she added more, then flashed Shannon a grin.

  “Thank you.”

  Shannon nodded again, only picking up the pad when Madison had left, closing the door behind her. Shannon glanced at the address, not recognizing the street name. She smiled at what Madison had scribbled below it.

  7:00. Please come early. You can help me cook!

  “Since when does she know how to cook?” she murmured.

  * * *

  “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

  Madison sat down beside Alice on her small patio, accepting the glass of tea with a smile. “Yes. I can’t believe it’s May already.”

  Alice studied her a moment. “Did you get to visit with Shannon?”

  “Just for a bit. She was busy. Besides, I came to see you,” Madison reminded her.

  Alice smiled at her, but Madison could see the questions forming in her eyes. Over the years, Alice had made only brief mention of the fact that she and Shannon didn’t see each other anymore…didn’t talk. While never prying, Madison could tell Alice was curious as to the chasm between them.

  “You were so close once. Inseparable.”

  Madison looked away. “We were kids. And I wouldn’t exactly say inseparable. My mother made sure of that.”

  Alice laughed lightly. “Oh, your mother tried to keep you busy, didn’t she? I never told you this—and certainly never Shannon—but your mother came to me once, insisting that I do something to break up your friendship. She felt Shannon was bringing you down, was keeping you from forming deeper friendships with the girls from your school.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me,” Madison said. “What did you tell her?”

  “I told her that you two had a special bond and that it would be cruel to keep you apart.” Alice shook her head. “She didn’t want to hear that. She fired me.”

  “What?”

  “Yes. She told me to get out. That she wouldn’t have me and my daughter interfering in your life.”

  “Oh my God. I can’t believe it. What did you do?”

  “Well, we had no place to go. We would be out on the street. So I did the only thing I could think of. I called your father.”

  “Since you didn’t leave, I assume he overruled her,” Madison said. Growing up, she always believed that her mother was the one in control.

  “Yes. And she didn’t speak to me for months afterward,” Alice said. “You were starting high school, I believe.”

  “Yes. That’s when she doubled my activities,” Madison remembered. “Shannon and I…well, we didn’t have a whole lot of free time.”

  Alice held her eyes. “But you had enough.”

  Madison frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean your friendship didn’t suffer.” Alice looked away, staring out over her small backyard. “Shannon was never close like that with anyone else. Not in all these years. I suspect the same is true for you.”

  “True,” she said with a sigh. “I missed her.”

  “I know. She missed you too.” Alice returned her gaze to Madison. “I’ve known you a long time, Madison. It must be exhausting for you to pretend to be happy.”

  Madison arched an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Alice knew her too well, it seemed.

  “The eyes can never hide the true state of your soul,�
�� Alice said quietly. “I look in your eyes and I see sadness. Even Ashton’s presence couldn’t totally quash that.”

  Madison looked away. What could she say to that? It was the truth.

  “Whatever has happened between you and Shannon,” Alice continued, “I only hope you can find a path back together. Life is so short. You shouldn’t spend it being unhappy. And you shouldn’t spend it trying to please others.”

  Madison felt a tear escape, and she wiped it away impatiently. She looked at Alice. “You know, don’t you?”

  “Know what? That you married a man you didn’t love? I was with you the night before your wedding, remember?”

  Madison nodded.

  “I watched you grow up, I watched you fall in love. And I watched you go away to college with tears in your eyes. I watched you get married with tears in your eyes. Yes, I know.”

  Madison wiped at the tears that continued to fall, not knowing what to say. “Does Shannon know?”

  “Does she know that I know? Yes.”

  Madison smiled as she accepted the tissue Alice produced. She blew her nose, blinking back her tears. “And here we thought no one knew.” She cleared her throat. “I guess we weren’t very good at hiding our feelings.”

  “As I told Shannon, a mother knows when her child is falling in love. Especially when it’s right in front of you.”

  “I’m sorry, Alice. We were…we were kids. We—”

  “You fell in love. Don’t be sorry. But I’m sure that must have been a difficult time for you. Knowing you were to marry Stephen, I mean.”

  “Being gay was not an option for me,” she said. “Can you imagine what my mother would have done?”

  “Oh, yes, I can. Shannon and I would most definitely have been thrown to the curb,” Alice said with a smile. “But Shannon told me you weren’t gay.”

  Madison glanced at Alice quickly. “Shannon and I never talked much about it, really. We didn’t label it. But everything I ever dreamed of having with someone, I had it with Shannon.” She shook her head. “But I knew I couldn’t keep it. Shannon accepted that she was gay. I could not.”