One Last Vice

by Emma Hillman

  “Because.” Her voice broke. “Please, James.”

  He nodded and after a final look at her, turned around so his back faced her. “I won’t move until I’ve heard the door close.”

  “Thanks,” she mumbled as she slid out of the bed. Quickly gathering her clothes, she held them in front of her and crossed the room. She opened the door, made sure he really wasn’t looking then closed it shut behind her.

  Chapter Five: A Trust Issue

  She was getting breakfast ready when he strolled into the kitchen. Avoiding his gaze, she got very busy making coffee and toast. That lasted until his hands appeared on her hips, stopping her short.

  “Chloe.” One word. That’s all it took.

  Tears slid down her cheeks, a hiccup stuck in her throat. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “What’s wrong?” He turned her around until she was in his embrace. “Why are you crying?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” She sniffled, doing her best to calm herself. “Please.”

  “Sure.” His hands were moving up and down her back in a soothing motion. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “You didn’t.”

  “You’re crying, C.”

  “I know.” She wrenched herself away from him and reached for a sheet of kitchen towel to wipe her face. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. You have the right to be upset! I just didn’t think you’d take it that badly. You should have told me you didn’t want to have sex with me, Chloe.”

  “That’s not why I’m crying!”

  “It isn’t? Then why did you suddenly freak out?”

  “I…I…I don’t want to talk about it.”

  He sighed. “That’s not helping, babe. You need to talk about it if you want to get past it.”

  Good luck with that, she thought as she remembered the past ten years. “I’ll be fine. I can still help you.”

  “Can you? You can’t stand my touching you.”

  “That’s not true!” She whirled around, suddenly mad at him. “I just don’t want to get too intimate, that’s all.”

  His eyes widened. “What the fuck does that mean? Am I that bad?”

  “No! No. I didn’t mean that way.”

  “Then what did you mean? Having sex is the definition of being intimate, Chloe!”

  “No, it isn’t. Weren’t you the one who told me once that it was so easy to separate sex from love? That one could definitely go without the other?”

  He frowned. “Maybe but this is different.”

  “How?”

  “We’re friends. We’ve known each other for years and I thought we had something nice going on.”

  “We have.”

  He grabbed a cup and filled it with coffee. “So why can’t you tell me what’s your problem? Don’t you trust me?”

  “Of course I do!” She took a deep breath then released it. “I just…I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Fuck, Chloe, you can’t keep on repeating that! I deserve an answer!”

  “Maybe but you’re not getting one.” She grabbed herself a cup and pulled the jug towards her. Hot liquid splashed over the rim, burning her fingers. She winced and quickly sucked on the now sensitive skin. “Damn it.”

  “Come here.” James’s fingers clasped around her wrist, pulling her hand towards him. He looked at the red patch and shook his head. “You should be more careful.”

  She rolled her eyes at his words but that quickly stopped when she saw him bend down. He sucked her fingertip into his mouth, his tongue laving the pain away. “Oh.” He looked up, straight into her eyes, and time stopped. There was nothing else but the way he was gazing at her. There was lust there, true, but also anger and…affection? “J?”

  He licked her finger one last time then drew back. “Yes?”

  She didn’t know what to say apart from, “Thank you.”

  He nodded and turned away, grabbing his coffee cup from the nearby counter. “I’m meeting the guys at the studio this morning. I’ll probably be away all day.”

  “Okay. Do you need me to do anything specific?”

  He was going to say something but seemed to think better of it. “Just the usual. If you could walk the dogs on the beach this morning, I’ll do it tonight whenever I get back.”

  “Sure.” She paused then, “Should I wait for you?”

  It took him a while to answer, “I don’t know.”

  “Oh. Okay. Well, let me know.” She spied her abandoned coffee and grabbed it only to drain it in the sink. She wasn’t thirsty anymore.

  She heard him leave the room then the front door banged close. Shit.

  * * * *

  She’d scared him away. She was sure of it.

  Hell, she was so stupid. No wonder she hadn’t managed to hold on to her fiancé. Stupid, stupid Chloe.

  The words kept whirling in her head, darkening her day until she could barely face staying in his house. She didn’t want to see him come back with another woman. Someone who’d be able to pleasure him, someone who’d even be willing to get naked and have sex because she wanted to. Not someone who’d cry because she didn’t want him to think she wasn’t up to par.

  The phone rang and she sighed, already expecting his voice telling her he wasn’t coming home until late. “C?”

  “Yeah.” Her sad voice drifted across the line.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Sure. What’s up?” She tried to perk up a little.

  “Can you come here?”

  “Here? Where?”

  “The studio on Wiltshire.”

  “Oh. Sure. What do you need?”

  “You.”

  She nearly dropped the phone in surprise. “Me?”

  “Yeah. I used to take breaks every once in a while to light myself one but I can’t do that anymore and it’s killing me. I need you, C.”

  “I’ll be right there!” She hung up on him and then, she ran. To the car. To James. To her future.

  Chapter Six: Let’s Try This Again

  He was waiting for her as she got off the elevator. He didn’t even bother saying hello. He simply grabbed her hand and tugged her further down the corridor. She could see the studio’s door in the distance but they stopped before that. And it was even worse than what she’d imagined.

  “James! This is the men’s bathroom!” Chloe hissed as he let her go to close the door behind them.

  “I know but this is about the only private place I could find.” His hands cupped her face. “I need you.” His mouth claimed hers, the kiss grabbing all her attention.

  So much she didn’t notice him unbuttoning her shirt. It was only when his lips left hers to kiss a way down her neck and then her chest that she realized he’d pushed her against the wall.

  Then her top was off and his fingers were sliding under her bra. “J?”

  “What?” he muttered, clearly too focused on his enjoyment to care much about her recriminations.

  “Remember what I said yesterday about leaving the lights off?” she babbled as she grabbed his hands and forced them to stop tugging her bra down.

  “Uh?” He looked up at her and blinked. “What?”

  “No having sex like this. I can’t. I just…please, J, don’t ask me this.”

  Her voice, her desperate words, brought him back to the present. “Oh, sorry C.”

  Chloe bit her lip at the look on his face. He clearly didn’t know what to do and she was the one at fault. She’d promised him her help and here she was, telling him no when all he’d wanted to do was to play with her breasts. Which she should have been fine with. She should have. But the voices in her head kept clamouring she wasn’t good enough and she just didn’t want to see his look of disappointment when he saw her naked.

  She couldn’t bear it, not when she loved him so much. She’d been in love with him for so many years he was now a permanent fixture in her heart and in her life.

  “I’m sorry. I really am. I’m working on it, I p
romise, but…I really want to help you. Can I…Can I suck you off instead?”

  “Chloe!” he growled, raking his fingers through his short hair. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

  “No, no! Don’t say that!” Suddenly scared at the thought of losing him, she cupped him through his jeans.

  He tensed at the sudden caress. Chloe grew bold and leaning against him, nipped his lower lip at the same time she squeezed him through the denim.

  He growled and took her mouth in another kiss.

  Two minutes later, she was kneeling on the thankfully clean floor, her mouth around his hard length. Holding on to his butt, she forced her throat to relax and took him in further. He moaned and kept on moaning until she began to wonder how soundproof that studio was.

  Guess not enough. The door beside them shuddered as someone shouted, “Who’s in there? I’m calling security if you don’t come out this instant! This is a recording studio, not a brothel!”

  “Fuck.” James grimaced as he pulled out of her and tucked himself back into his pants. Grabbing her shoulders, he lifted her up. “Just act as if you have every right to be here, okay?”

  “Okay,” she answered, her voice sounding very small all of a sudden.

  James took a deep breath and opened the door. “Hey there, Gary. What’s up, dude? Is Paul finished with the bridge?”

  “James? What were you doing in there?”

  “Oh, nothing. Just having a little chat with my PA.” He motioned to her and she quickly exited the bathroom.

  “A chat? In the bathroom?”

  “Yeah, she follows me everywhere. That’s what I pay her for after all,” James replied matter-of-factly. “Come, Chloe. Let’s join the others and we can talk about my schedule for the rest of the day.” He took off and she had to scramble after him.

  She entered the studio only to find Paul laughing so much he had tears running down his face. “Hey. What’s going on?”

  “C! Did you hear the latest? James got caught having sex in the bathroom!”

  “Oh.” She looked back at Paul and wondered whether he’d realized she’d been the one with James. Apparently not…

  “Where’s the girl gone, man? Did you have time to finish or what?”

  “Nope.” James settled into a nearby sofa and sent her a warning look.

  Right, it seemed she was supposed to keep her mouth shut. Fair enough. She didn’t want Paul to start making fun of her too.

  “Aw, that sucks.”

  “You can say that again.”

  “She was giving you head?”

  “Yup.”

  “Fuck, I need me some of that too. Who is she? Can she come here and take care of me?”

  “I don’t think so,” James replied, trying his best to ignore his friend.

  “No, really man, who is she? Have I seen her before?”

  “Yes, no. Just…let’s drop it, okay?”

  “Yes, I’ve seen her before? Hey C, do you know who she is?”

  Chloe stood frozen into place. What was she supposed to say now? James shook his head but Paul saw it and jumped on her. “Chlooooe. What’s her name? Can I get her number?

  “Paul! Leave Chloe alone!”

  James’s shout didn’t work. Especially when Gary stepped into the room and said, “Way to go, J. Now you’re screwing your PA too? What next? Oops, sorry Chloe, I hadn’t seen you there.”

  “Chloe?” Paul turned to stare at her, his eyes widened in surprise. “It was you?”

  Ah, hell.

  * * * *

  They watched Chloe flee the room after a tense minute spent listening to her mumbled explanations.

  “Shit,” James said, slumping back against the sofa. “That didn’t go very well.”

  “You can say that again.” Gary sat down beside him. “I thought you’d planned it all?”

  “I had. She just didn’t want to play.” James groaned at the thought of her breasts nearly peaking out from her bra. He’d been so close. So fucking close!

  “What happened?”

  “She’s got this freaking wall up. She doesn’t want me to see her naked so all she does is suck me off.”

  “Oh, poor you. Life’s too unfair,” Paul parroted as he strode across the room.

  “Fuck you, man.” James’s voice was beyond tired as he looked in the distance.

  “Come on, J, she’ll come around. She’s moved in with you, hasn’t she?”

  “Yeah but only because I didn’t give her a choice. It’s like this sex thing. She’s being nice about it but clearly, she doesn’t find me attractive.”

  “I don’t think that’s the problem,” Gary commented. “We’ve all seen her watching you. I think there’s something else. You just need to find out what it is.”

  “I’ve tried! She freaked out this morning and I wanted to discuss it but she just kept saying she couldn’t. I don’t know what else to do.”

  “I think you have the right idea.” Paul dropped down to the floor and stretched his legs out in front of him. “You love her, right?” James nodded. “You’ve been flirting with her for months and it didn’t change anything. So pushing her further is your only remaining option.”

  “I know. I’m trying, aren’t I? It’s just as if she can’t possibly see me as anything but her boss. It’s driving me crazy! I mean, I forced her to give me a blowjob in my car, in broad daylight, and she did it! But as soon as I started touching her, she ran.”

  “Maybe she doesn’t think you really want her. That you’re just being nice as a payback for everything she’d done for you.”

  “Paul’s right. That sounds like her.”

  “Fuck.” James grabbed his head in both hands. “What do I do now?”

  “Keep pushing her. She’ll cave in at one point or another, I’m sure of it.”

  That didn’t make James feel any better.

  Chapter Seven: Up His Sleeve

  Chloe was sitting on the sofa when James strolled into his house. It was late in the evening and she’d already walked the dogs for him, even if he’d said he’d do it. She understood he needed extra time in the studio and had always loved his dedication to his work. Knowing he’d be hungry by the time he got back, she’d even cooked dinner. Something easy and that he could reheat in the microwave if needed.

  “Hey C.”

  “Hey.” She turned around, watching him go through his mail. “How did it go?”

  “Good, good. I think we got that song done.”

  “Great.” She bit her lip, recalling with excruciating clarity what had happened before she’d run away from the studio. “I’m sorry we got caught.”

  “Uh?” He looked up. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I explained it all to the guys and they’re cool with it.”

  “They are?”

  “Oh yeah. So, what’s for dinner?”

  “How do you know there is anything for dinner?” she replied after a second or two spent processing his speech.

  “I know you. You take care of me. I’m sure you’ve even walked the dogs for me.”

  She sighed. “I have. To both. There’s lasagne in the oven if you want me to fix you up a plate.”

  “That sounds great.” He smiled and bent down to drop a quick kiss on her lips.

  She froze at the intentional caress and watched him saunter away. What the hell?

  She followed him into the kitchen and zapped his dinner when he got himself a drink. Sitting down across from him at the counter, she watched him eat while talking about his recording session and the latest gossip.

  “C?” he suddenly said, making her jump.

  “Yes?”

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  Uhhh. “Sure.”

  “Why can’t I see you naked? I mean, I’ve touched you and I liked what I felt. I can guess what you look like under your clothes too, you know. Why is it such a big deal?”

  She stared back at him, not surprised by his question yet unable to answer it. She knew her reasons were screwed up. He
r intellect knew that what her ex had said was most probably bullshit, that he’d only wanted to hurt her, but she couldn’t help but feel inadequate.

  It didn’t help that she’d seen James’s girlfriends/lovers/one-night-stands over the years and had spent all this time comparing herself to them. And she didn’t come on top or even in the middle of the chart.

  She was ugly. She felt ugly. That only changed when she was in his arms, giving him pleasure. At least then, she felt useful. Loved.

  Damn James for asking that question! “Do we really have to discuss this now?”

  “You tell me,” James snapped back, dropping his glass onto the tiled counter. “I need you for a reason, Chloe. You can’t just keep on sucking me off and hope it’ll be enough. I need more. I want more.”

  “I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes, feeling like such a failure she couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “I’m not telling you off, baby. I just want you to tell me what’s going through your head.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Am I that disgusting to look at? Do my tats repulse you?”

  “No!” Her head jerked up. “No, I love your tattoos!”

  “Really?” She nodded. “Then what’s the problem?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to see you,” she paused. “It’s just that I…I don’t want you to see me.”

  “Why not?” he countered straight away.

  “I’m not…I’m not your type, J. I’ve seen your girlfriends, I know what you like and that’s not…that’s not me. I know I’m just your PA and this is temporary but I don’t want you to—” She stopped short, unsure on how to continue. Her eyes dropped down as she fought the need to flee.

  “Chloe.” She remained motionless. “Chloe, look at me. Please.”

  That last word broke through her defences and she looked up, his gaze catching hers. “I chose you, baby. Shouldn’t that matter?”

  “Yes and no. I’m available and easy. I mean, not in that sense but just because I work for you and I’m always around here. Not—”

  “No.” James grabbed both her hands this time and pulled her forward. “I chose you, Chloe, not because you’re my PA but because I want you. You’ve always cared for me and my various needs and even if you think this is the same, it’s not. Believe me.”