Afraid to Fall

by Nicole Douglas

  He pulled his cell phone from his pocket as he hopped in the driver's seat and dialed his dad's number, knowing the chances of him answering were slim. His dad hadn't answered his calls in months. Going on eight months, to be exact. Conveniently that just so happened to be the same time the step-mom he had never met gave birth to a brand new baby boy.

  "You have reached the voice mailbox of-"

  He hung up the phone and slammed it on the passenger seat. A new son apparently made an old son easy to forget. He reached up and cursed when he felt blood streaming down from his nose. He popped open the glove box, dug out some napkins and wiped away the blood as best he could. After speeding down Main Street for several minutes he passed Jessie's street. Although it was less than half an hour since he dropped her off in her driveway, the need to see her took over. He turned the car around and headed straight for her house. Kyle wasn't a big fan of having others see him upset but he knew he could count on her to calm him down.

  At first he masked his true feelings with rage, unwilling to admit that in actuality he was hurt. But Jessica could see right through his act the second she opened the door and saw him pacing on her porch.

  "Oh my gosh, what happened?" She asked, noticing his bruise cheek and disheveled clothes, drops of blood on his shirt.

  "Can I come in?" He ignored her question and when she stepped back to let him inside he moved his restless pacing to her living room.

  She sat on the couch and patiently waited for him to say something. When he tired of walking back and forth, he sat down next to her. That was when he spilled the entire story of what happened. He stood back up halfway through telling her about his father screening his calls and resumed pacing across the length of her living room, too consumed with energy to sit still.

  "No one gives a shit about me." The emotion was evident in his voice as he avoided her scrutinizing gaze. She rose from her seat on the couch and stood in front of him.

  "I give a shit about you."

  When he shook his head slowly and still refused to look up she gently placed her hands on his face, forcing him to look straight at her.

  "I love you." She confessed for the first time when his hazel eyes finally lifted to hers.

  She hadn’t necessarily expected him to say it back. Still, she was shocked when his face drained of all color and he took a step back, breaking free of her light touch. She opened her mouth, struggling for something to say to make things go back to the way they were before she let the words slip out. She heard the front door clicking shut moments later but was unable to see him leave through the haze in her tear filled eyes. That was the last time she ever saw Kyle Winters before she unexpectedly ran into him on a sunny day in the streets of Colombia six years later.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  "Well, I'm ready for bed." She announced after she returned to the group, her offer to help refused.

  Feeling more than a little awkward about his distorted version of their life story, Jessica was ready to call it a day. Without another word she walked into the hut that would be theirs for the night and found one, thankfully large, cot.

  "You missed the end of my story." Kyle mused, from the open doorway moments later.

  "No offense but your story sucked." She yawned, sitting on the edge of the lumpy cot, kicking her shoes off.

  "How did it suck?"

  "It didn't make any sense at all."

  "The kids seemed to like it." He pointed out, still amused.

  "I’m sure they did. It wasn't about them."

  "The story was strictly fiction. I made it up." He claimed with an infuriating smirk. He knew he was getting under her skin.

  “Of course you did.”

  “I think it was believable.”

  "Okay. Well why would the guy in this story leave the girl behind if he loved her so much?" She challenged him, taking advantage of this opportunity.

  "I told you, because he was scared." He explained, still playing along with the game.

  "And what was he scared of Kyle?"

  "I don’t know, want me to ask him?" He tossed back.

  "I'm trying to right now." She replied coldly, pinning him with a brief glare before she returned her attention to dusting off their blanket. Quite frankly, she had had enough of his flippant attitude for one day.

  "It was just a story." He repeated, kicking out of his shoes and sitting on the edge opposite her.

  "With a suspiciously convenient timeline." She added, unconvinced.

  She slid beneath the blanket as far to the edge as she could get and rolled to her side facing away from him. She felt the bed shift when he lay down beside her, staying on top of the blanket.

  "So in this ‘story’... Why did the guy really go back to the girl in the end?" She asked softly, trying to hide her vulnerability by continuing to use this story as a shield.

  "I told you." He replied. "He loved her."

  He wasn’t able to admit that he loved her six years ago. He didn't much want to admit how he felt this time either but was trying to slowly open himself up. Her soft voice tugged at his heart. He rolled on his back with one arm raised above his head. He stretched out until he found a moderately comfortable position and, despite his urge to reach over and pull her against him, he made a conscious effort to leave the gap between their bodies.

  Both completely silent aside from the sounds of their breath, Kyle and Jessica listened to the bustle outside their hut. They could smell the lingering scent of the food that recently filled their starving bellies; listened to the villagers laughing happily on the other side of the thin walls. All the while they were both acutely aware of the others presence as well as every tiny movement that was made in the bed.

  His mind drifted back to the day after she confessed that she loved him. He had slept in his car that night and was up bright and early the next morning at the Army recruitment office. He had known he had to act quickly before he had second thoughts. The Army was the perfect way to not allow himself the option to change his mind. There was no backing out once the ink dried.

  His father had wanted nothing to do with him. His mother had wanted nothing to do with him. And if Jessie knew what was good for her, she wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him either. Since she hadn’t seen it for herself, he made the choice for her, doing what he thought was best.

  "Jessie." He whispered softly, shaking off the memory.

  "What?" She whispered back.

  "I'm really sorry for everything."

  She stilled for what felt like an eternity before she rolled over to face him.

  "I always knew you were going to leave town eventually Kyle but…why didn’t you just tell me? For a while I thought you might want me to go with you someday. But I at least thought we would still be friends." She was unable to hide the hurt from her voice.

  "I wanted to call you. I really did. But it just defeated the purpose."

  "What purpose?"

  "To get the hell away from you." He admitted regretfully. "That's why I left. You want the truth, there it is. I always wanted to leave but in the end I had to leave to get away from you."

  She stared at him silently, clearly stricken by this statement. He took that as an opportunity to continue spilling more of the truth. The dam had been broken and for the life of him he couldn’t shut himself up.

  "You were the only person I cared about and the only person who ever cared about me back. My feelings for you were dangerous to me. I didn't want to see how it felt to end up disappointed by you like I was by everyone else. I couldn’t have handled you getting bored with me. Or seeing what everyone else saw, that I wasn’t worth it. So I bailed."

  Jessica closed her eyes tightly and clenched her jaw as Kyle continued his speech.

  "I had to leave before all those great times we had turned to shit. In my world good things don't last. And great things, things like what we had, sure as hell don't. I was saving us both from a lot of heartache down the road."

  Jessica choke
d out a humorless laugh. "You son of a bitch." She hissed before he was able to say anything else.

  "That's it? I pour my heart out, lay it all out on the table after all this time, and that's all you have to say?" He asked, baffled.

  "I sure am glad you had such an easy time with everything back then, making the decision so cold and detached. I happened to have a really hard time trying to let you go. Don’t kid yourself; you weren’t saving us from anything. You were thinking about no one but yourself. You sure as hell didn’t save me from any heartache. But hey, at least I didn’t hurt you."

  She violently tossed to her other side and pulled the scratchy blanket up to her neck roughly.

  "You said you loved me. My own parents never even told me that, Jessie.” Exasperation was rising in his voice as he tried to further explain. Refusing to look at him, Jessica let out an exaggerated sigh. She wanted nothing more than to drop this discussion before she was overwhelmed with regret for all they had lost and missed out on over his stubbornness and stupidity.

  "Well I’m sorry I told you.”

  At that snide remark she settled into bed and stilled once more, leaving him to think about what she said. He came to the sinking conclusion that she was right; he had betrayed her and because of his own fear of being kicked to the curb he had done the kicking-to-the-curb himself. Sure, it was partly because she deserved better than what he had to offer. But it was also because of his own insecurities. Knowing she had every right to be pissed at him, he rolled over to face away from her and force himself to sleep.

  ***

  Jessica's eyes slowly fluttered open the next morning as sunshine crept through the room. Her body finally felt rested as if she had slept for the first time in weeks rather than days. As she stretched her aching muscles, she noticed that the other side of the bed was empty. Her first thought was that Kyle must have gotten angry about their bickering and left her out here to fend for herself. Heart sinking at the mere thought of being alone in the village, she swung her legs off the side of the bed and jumped to her feet.

  She scanned the room in a near panic, not spotting his shoes or any other belongings anywhere. More than a little uneasy, she darted out of the hut toward the voices of her hosts with wrinkled clothes and tousled hair. After scanning a crowd of women cooking around a huge pot, she darted to the river and breathed a sigh of relief when she got close enough to see Kyle filling up the water bottle he had been carrying around. Upon hearing her less than subtle approach, he turned and offered her a genuine smile when their eyes met.

  "Good morning." He greeted warmly.

  "Morning." She returned, still consumed with relief. "For a minute there I kind of thought you took the jeep and left while I was asleep."

  "I wouldn’t leave you out here. You know that." The cheer in his voice was dead, replaced with conviction.

  "No, I don’t know that." When he began walking with her back to the village, screwing on the lid to the water bottle and slipping it into the pocket by his thigh, she added, "There's no telling what you would do. You've proved that."

  This earned a scoff from him followed by a frustrated shake of the head.

  "When?" He snapped, fed up with the guilt trip. "When did I prove that? When I kissed my career, maybe even my freedom, goodbye to come find you?"

  He paused for several steps to allow his point to sink in. "I could've left you then, Jessica. But I didn’t. Try to keep that in mind." He concluded before entering the hut ahead of her.

  She followed his lead and began to gather the few belongings she had which consisted solely of her socks and shoes beside the bed. It was time to get moving to the next place. She could only hope they were within a day's distance from the airport so they could put an end to this dreadful trip. She yearned to check on her friends and make sure they were okay. And most of all, she wanted to get the hell away from Kyle before his presence rattled her heart and dredged up her past any more than it already had.

  Kyle had gathered his things and left the hut before Jessica had even finished putting on one sock. She took her time putting on the second one followed by both shoes before leaving the hut for the last time. She immediately saw Kyle speaking to a man from the village in hushed tones. The keys were handed over somewhat reluctantly. The village leader certainly didn’t want to lose their vehicle in a place where such luxuries were few and far between.

  After thanking him profusely and promising to return the jeep in the condition they took it in, Kyle opened the unlocked door and hopped in the driver's seat. Jessica walked around to the passenger side and climbed in beside him as he was putting the key in the ignition. It took three attempts and some silent prayers but the old jeep finally came roaring to life.

  Kyle thanked his lucky stars that the first car he learned to drive was a standard when he looked down and saw the rusty stick shift. It had been years since he had driven a standard but as he jerked forward onto a small dirt road, slowly picking up speed and shifting gears, his body seemed to remember the motions and he didn’t have to think much about what he needed to do next.

  They rode along the dirt trail, passing the dense trees of the forest at a decent speed. He was grateful they were no longer on foot and silently enjoyed the view of the forest zooming by in a blur. It seemed as if she were doing the same as she leaned back comfortably in her seat, gazing out the window. Not long into their drive, however, Kyle felt the jeep jolt, sputter and then break down. The engine was dead. He tried turning the key twice but it simply wouldn’t turn back on.

  He rested his forehead on the steering wheel in momentary defeat and closed his eyes. He ignored Jessica in the background of his thoughts, asking why they had stopped and what was happening. It took all he had not to punch the steering wheel and yell out in anger at their horrendous luck. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. Jessica repeated the question "What happened?" until Kyle finally lifted his head, took a deep breath and opened the car door.

  "What else could possibly go wrong?" He mumbled to himself before stepping into the mud and walking to the front of the jeep to pop open the hood.

  "What-"

  "It's overheating." He answered finally, bending over the engine in close examination. "We need to let it cool down, put some water in it. Then hopefully we can get going."

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  On that note, Jessica slumped down in her seat and looked out the mud spattered passenger window. Her heart sunk in disappointment at the thought of yet another setback. Several minutes passed and Kyle walked around the jeep, reopened the driver's side door and slid in slowly. He leaned his seat back as far as it would go and rested a hand over his forehead as if he was suffering from a massive headache.

  "We have about 20 minutes before the car cools down enough to put the water in the tank." He informed her. She nodded in response, marginally relieved that they weren't going to be on foot again.

  "I thought we were doomed." She said with a small laugh. He released a laugh of his own before confidently giving her some peace of mind.

  "We aren't doomed. I've been in situations much worse and made it out okay."

  "You have." It wasn’t a question. She realized the person sitting next to her was no longer the teenage boy she knew. He was now a man. A grown man with experiences and training that would see them through whatever was thrown in their path. She was suddenly curious what all Kyle had done; what places he had been since they parted ways.

  "I was in Iraq for six months." He stated as if reading her mind.

  "When?"

  "About three years ago."

  "Anywhere else?" She asked, sensing he was not open to talk about Iraq in detail for the time being.

  "Germany. Japan. Africa. Colombia." He concluded in a tone that stated his obvious displeasure with the place. "What about you?"

  "What about me?"

  "Where have you been?" He clarified.

  "Just Colombia." She smirked at the irony. "First time out of the country."
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br />   He couldn't help but to choke out a laugh, causing her to laugh out loud as well. He involuntarily reached out to gently touch her arm which was resting on the console between their two seats and he leaned a fraction closer to her. For a brief moment their laughter continued but time soon slowed down as a tension filled the jeep. Unlike their tension thus far, this was hinted with excitement rather than anger.

  He looked down at her parted lips and slowly withdrew his hand. Her eyes ventured down to where his hand previously rested. Their laughter ceased completely and her eyes met his with a glint in them he hadn't seen once since their reunion. It was a glint of passion. Suddenly realizing what he was doing, he abruptly leaned back and broke their intense gaze by looking out the windshield.

  “The jeep should be cooled down now." He said gruffly, swinging the door open. "I'll put the water in the engine so we can get going."

  And with that said, he slid out of the jeep and opened the back door. After digging around under the seat he returned to the front with a half filled gallon of water she hadn’t realized was there and disappeared behind the hood. Jessie reached up and touched her cheek, feeling the warmth that crept over her skin.

  What was happening?

  She willed her brain to function but it seemed to be short-circuiting. She was almost certain he had been leaning in for a kiss. And she was even more certain that she was about to let him. She moved her hand from her cheek to her belly in an attempt to settle the butterflies that seemed to have taken flight within her.