Afraid to Fall

by Nicole Douglas

  Dear Jessie,

  If you're reading this letter that means I’m gone. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that my last breath will be spent thinking about you. You were the best friend I've ever had. I’m not even sure exactly what point I started to feel more than that. It just kind of grew over time. To be honest, I was drawn to you the first time we met. I was just too young to know what that meant at the time.

  But I got older and eventually recognized it for what it was. I loved you with everything inside of me. I was so afraid of love. Every relationship I knew of fell apart. No one ever cared about me for long. I could handle rejection from my both of my parents but I knew I couldn't handle getting burned by you.

  The day you told me you loved me I knew I had to get away. I was too broken inside to believe that anything could’ve worked out. You were so trusting and innocent. And you deserved a chance at a normal relationship with someone not as fucked up as me. So I enlisted the next day and took that choice off the table. There was no backing out once the papers were signed. I belonged to the Army.

  The truth is I'm absolutely positive that if I stayed in Riverdale I would've married you. That scared the shit out of me then. It was my biggest fear. I didn't want us to end up like my parents. But looking back, maybe we wouldn't have ended up like them at all. Maybe what we had was so powerful that we could’ve made it last. Maybe we would be married right now and you wouldn't have to be reading this damn letter. I guess we will never know for sure. But what I do know is that you were and always will be the love of my life.

  I'm sorry I was too stupid to say it back and too scared to give it a chance. I'm sorry I never told you any of this while I was alive. I just couldn’t bring myself to call you and hear your voice again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Know that you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul and someday you will meet someone amazing, if you haven’t already. Someone that’s going to adore you as much as I always did. Someone that treats you like you walk on water. Promise me you’ll wait for a guy like that. Because that’s exactly what you deserve and it’s what I always hoped you would find.

  Love, Kyle

  She swiped at a tear that slid down her cheek and re-read the letter twice before neatly folding it the way it had been, slipping it back into her pocket. Physical and emotional exhaustion finally caught up to her and she slept for the rest of the flight home, where she knew she had to submerge herself back into her old life as if this trip had never happened; as if it were all simply a dream.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Three Months Later

  Jessica waited for Kyle to call her every day for the first week she was home. Despite having not given him her number, she had waited hopefully, cell in hand. When that first week passed, she waited another. Surely he was thinking of her. Surely he would Google her number or look it up on her Facebook page. Or call her parent’s house, as the number had been the same for as far back as she could remember. He knew it by heart.

  Something.

  But he still didn't call and after that second week passed with no word from him she accepted the fact that if he wanted to call, he probably already would have found a way. He was a pretty resourceful guy. That told her all she needed to know.

  She had gone back to work along with Danielle and Amy who had beat her home. They all tried to return to their old routines. On shift, she was able to function skillfully. Once she clocked out and left the hospital, she switched straight to autopilot. She mechanically drove home every night, heated up a frozen meal in the microwave and crawled into her big, empty bed.

  It was two months before she even went to her parent’s house for their weekly family dinner. Her mom had been growing increasingly worried about her. She knew she had to put her mind at ease. She hadn’t much felt like it, but she showed up and it had actually helped to be around her family. Slowly over the past month she began laughing again and her family helped pull her from her dazed existence without asking too many probing questions.

  Jessica shook off her depressing daydream when she heard the doorbell ring, reminding her that it was her birthday. Twenty-five was hardly an exciting age but her mom had planned a family dinner to celebrate it nonetheless. She had been sitting on her parent’s couch for the past thirty minutes or so, flipping through channels as her mom cooked dinner. She answered the door, genuinely happy to see her brother James and his fiancé Alexis on the doorstep.

  "Happy birthday!" They both chimed.

  After giving them each a warm hug and thanking them for the small pink gift bag they handed her, the three of them trailed into the kitchen. Her mom was bustling gracefully around the kitchen island, setting down a steaming pan before removing her oven mitts and giving her son and future daughter-in-law quick hugs.

  "Is there anything you need help with, Mrs. Mills?" Alexis asked eagerly.

  "As a matter of fact, I could use a little help." Jessica's mom beamed, her southern belle drawl sounding like a song. “But please honey, call me Hannah. We’re both going to be Mrs. Mills pretty soon.”

  The two smiled and got to work on dinner. Jessica and James decided to go in the living room and wait for dinner. Neither of them was particularly talented in the kitchen and didn’t want to get in the way. Jessica sat back on the leather couch and tucked her bare feet underneath her. James sat in the matching recliner, kicked back and turned on a football game.

  "Where's dad?"

  "Mom sent him to the store to pick up a few things she forgot."

  James nodded in acknowledgement, suddenly more engrossed in the game than their conversation. Jessica got into the game as well after several minutes even though she wasn’t a fan of either team. James loved football so much he would watch any team play. NFL, college, even a damn little league game.

  "YES!" He yelled, jumping out of his seat when a touchdown was made.

  Their dad usually sat with him on Sundays watching the games while their mom cooked dinner for the family. Jessica used to sit with them for the company but when Alexis came along the two of them began staying in the kitchen with her mom; Alexis helping and Jessica keeping them company. Lately, she hadn’t been any more helpful in keeping them company than she was cooking.

  After replaying the touchdown twice in slow motion, they went to a commercial break and her brother turned his attention back to her.

  "How have you been doing since you've been back?" He asked, realizing that they hadn't spoken much of her experience since she came home. The first couple of weeks after she returned to their traditional family dinner night she hadn’t been as talkative as her usual self. No one had asked many questions, afraid they would scare her off, back to being reclusive in her empty apartment.

  She had slowly regained her cheerful disposition. Still, her family did their best to avoid the topic of the incident. They sensed that she was changed from the experience, haunted by something. Her dad had asked if she had been hurt, to which she responded no. Physically, that was true. Bound and determined to not think of Kyle, she put on a smile for her brother.

  "I'm good."

  He looked at her skeptically but dropped the subject and changed the channel to a different football game. She inwardly sighed at the football obsession. The front door swung open and her dad came in with two plastic grocery bags hanging from each of his hands. He kicked the door closed and went into the kitchen to drop off the bags.

  "What's the score?" He asked James, sitting on the couch next to Jessica and leaning forward in interest.

  "24 to 6."

  At the next commercial break Jessica decided to go to the kitchen, having watched as much football and she could endure for the day.

  "Do you guys need help?" She asked as she walked through the arched doorway to the kitchen.

  "No, sweetie, it's your birthday!" Her mom exclaimed. "Just have a seat while we set the table."

  Jessica pulled a chair out and sat down while her mom placed navy blue plates in front of al
l five chairs at the table. Alexis went behind her setting silverware on each side of the plates. The three women made small talk about the upcoming wedding while they put the steaming dishes in the middle of the table. Alexis had asked Jessica to be a bridesmaid months before she went to Colombia.

  With the wedding date rapidly approaching, they all knew bridesmaids dresses needed to be chosen soon. Alexis had chosen a style she liked but wanted to see all the girls wearing it before she officially placed the orders. Jessica was the only bridesmaid holding up the show, not having gone to try on the dress yet. She had an appointment the following day.

  Jessica's mom sat a pitcher of tea in the middle of the table before she walked to the doorway that led to the living room. "Dinner’s ready."

  Her dad and James left the football game behind and came to the dining room. They took a seat at the long rectangular table next to one another across from their women who were already seated. Everyone began serving themselves roast from the bowls in the middle of the table, telling stories of their week.

  James got a promotion at work. Alexis spent the week stressing about wedding details. Their mom and dad had been remodeling the back patio, and no doubt worrying about Jessica but that was left unsaid. A knock on the door interrupted their conversations. James and Alexis had genuinely puzzled expressions on their faces, not expecting any more visitors since the whole family was present.

  "I'll get it." Her dad offered.

  Jessica shrugged when her brother looked at her, assuming it was a neighbor or a friend of her parent’s stopping by unannounced. She generously poured ranch dressing on her salad as she heard the door open. Then there was silence. She took a bite and waited for her dad to return to the table.

  "Jessie?" She set down her fork slowly at the sound of the voice behind her. He sounded hesitant, unsure of her reaction.

  She turned in her chair to see Kyle standing in the entryway to the kitchen, her dad standing next to him with a wide grin on his face as if he was in on the surprise. She stole a quick glance at her brother who seemed just as taken aback as she was. At least she wasn't the only one who hadn’t gotten a warning.

  "Hey." She was so floored she was unsure what else to say.

  Kyle flashed a breathtaking smile and her heart did a somersault. She tried to hold back her excitement of seeing him again. Honestly, she just couldn't get over the shock of seeing him standing in her parent's house. It had been years. And having not heard from him in months, she wondered what he was doing there to begin with. She thought he made it pretty clear that he felt things were better left in the past.

  She spared another glance back at James whose expression gave away his exasperation at seeing his old friend. Kyle had burned James all those years ago too and James looked much less pleased at his sudden appearance. He knew how much Kyle had hurt Jessica after high school and wasn’t going to be quite as forgiving as their smiling parents obviously were.

  "Happy birthday. It’s really good to see you.” Kyle smiled down at her, clearly not feeling the tension radiating in the room off of James until he spoke up and make it known.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  Kyle finally looked away from Jessica and let his gaze drift to her brother behind her.

  “James…” Their mom warned.

  He ignored the warning tone and stood from the table, roughly pushing back his chair.

  “James!” She was now full-on scolding him and he still ignored her, taking a step around the table.

  “Tell me why I shouldn’t beat your ass right now.” James stepped around Jessica and shoved Kyle back. He slightly stumbled back but easily kept his balance.

  “James, buddy, let me explain.” Kyle stood patiently, hands raised in a non-threatening gesture.

  “No. You need to leave. I think you’ve hurt my sister more than enough.”

  “James, please stop.” Jessica broke in.

  “I don’t want to hurt her.” Kyle calmly insisted over her. Alexis and Jessica’s mom stayed sitting at the table in stunned silence at the drama that was playing out. Her dad stood feet away, looking ready to pull the two boys apart at any moment.

  “You never even tried to call me. So what are you doing here?” Jessica asked him, deciding to brush past James and ignore his presence.

  “I've wanted to talk to you but I had to straighten out the situation with the Army. I was court marshaled and basically on lockdown at a base in Virginia while they decided what to do with me."

  He hadn't been ignoring her after all.

  She stared at him, waiting to hear the rest of what he had to say.

  "They decided to give me a medical discharge."

  "How long are you in town for?"

  "For good. I flew in a few nights ago and signed a six month lease on an apartment. That’ll give me some time to find a house.”

  She released the breath she had been holding in anticipation for his answer and smiled. James, seeing her reaction, backed off slightly and gave them space, still looking on in case he felt the need to intervene again. Before she could say another word Kyle took a deep, leveling breath and reached into his pocket, pulling out a tiny black box. He got down on one knee in front of her before she could process what was in the box.

  "Oh my God." She covered her mouth with her hands.

  She heard Alexis gasp behind her, reminding her that the rest of her family was watching their every move. Her father stood several feet to the left of Kyle, beaming with pride at the scene that was playing out. It was the polar opposite to James’s reaction when Kyle walked through the door. Jessica knew Kyle must have asked his permission beforehand, as he seemed to have known what was happening from the beginning.

  "Jessica Ann Mills. I love you and I can’t imagine another day without you. Will you marry me?"

  Ignoring her family in her peripheral, she kept her focus on Kyle as her eyes filled with tears. He was still on one knee in front of her with an anxious expression, the black velvet box open in front of him with a sparkling ring glinting in the light. Looking into his hazel eyes, she began to nod her head emphatically.

  "Yes."

  He took in the breath he had been holding and smiled widely, jumping to his feet. He pulled the ring from the box and slipping it on her left hand.

  “I hope you like it. Your mom helped me pick it out.”

  "It's perfect." She commented on the large princess cut diamond ring. Looking away from the beautiful ring, she met his gaze as he was reaching on each side of her face, leaning into a kiss.

  She closed her eyes tightly and smiled beneath his lips as her family, including James, applauded happily at their new soon-to-be addition.

  Table of Contents

  Dedication

  Copyright

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight


  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-One

  Chapter Forty-Two