by Lucy Rinaldi
I wrap my arm around her and pull her back against me. The scent of her hair fills my nostrils. Any other moment in time and this would make me hard as fucking nails, her pressed against me, my nose in her hair. But right now, I'm just so fucking glad she's safe in my arms. Finally.
“You and this baby are my life.” I know she's asleep and she can't hear me, but I need to get this out before it consumes me. “I've been the worst kind of bastard to you. But no more,” I kiss her head. “No more, baby. You are mine. You always have been and you always will be.”
Nineteen
Paige
I open my eyes and instantly groan in pain. The sunlight is streaming in through the window. Where the hell am I? This isn't my room... No, it's Enzo's. Now I remember. Mark assault me last night, Enzo took me to the hospital and had me checked out. I had to sit with doctors, nurses, and police officers, including Callie's father, sheriff Harper, and my brother. I had to tell them again and again what Mark did to me.
My whole body hurts. My head kills. Why is the morning after always worse than the night before?
“Morning.” I turn my head slowly. Enzo is sitting on the edge of the bed facing me. I smile slightly. My eyes close to the touch of his hand on my face. My cheek hurts from where Mark hit me. “Don't cry, baby.” His voice is soothing, but I can't help it, my heart aches more than the pain my body is in. I could take what Mark did to me ten times over in place of the heartache Enzo has inflicted upon me. “Can I get you anything?” I shake my head, all I want is for him to hold me, I need to feel his big strong arms around me, keeping me safe.
“I'm sorry,” I whisper.
“Oh, baby, no.” I sob as he climbs into bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. It hurts but I won't make a sound. “This wasn't your fault, Paige. I don't want you blaming yourself for what he did.”
“He said I teased him. I didn't mean to. I told him I didn't want to be with him like that. He said he understood. Then last night he turned on me.”
“I know and he's not gonna get away with it, believe me.” I do believe him. I know Enzo won't just let it lie. But he should leave it to the police. But right now, I'm too emotionally exhausted to argue with him. I'm leaving in a few hours for L.A. It's the best thing for both of us.
Nothing can come of him and me, he's shown me too many times that I'm not what he wants. Oh, he might want me physically, but I'm just a pass time for him, and I deserve more than that. My child deserves more than that.
Will I tell Enzo about the baby? Eventually.
I won't wait too long, I'm not that cruel. But I need to sort my head out before I bring him in on this. L.A will provide the headspace I need.
“I have to get ready to go to Freddy's for dinner.”
“Not until you've eaten.”
“I'd like to shower first.”
“You do that,” He says while leaning into me and kissing my head. “I'll make you some breakfast. I'll grab something of mine for you to wear for after your shower.” Good enough for me, I can change when I get home. Not that I really want to be there right now, but I can't avoid it forever.
It doesn't take me long to shower. Even with scrubbing my body raw, my hair, the lot. I just need to wash that pig off my body.
Once I'm done, I find Enzo has left me out a pair of his boxers, a t-shirt and a pair of sweats. Of course, everything is too big for me, but it's good enough. I comb out my hair and make my way to Enzo's kitchen. He's shirtless, wearing pj bottoms low on his hips. His body is something spectacular. The curve of his back muscles always leaves me salivating. The front of him is much better. His big biceps, pecs, eight pack, the V of his hips that leads down to... “Like what you see?”
Shit! I hadn't realized I was staring so obviously.
I don't answer him. I look away while folding my arms around myself for protection. I can't believe after everything I went through last night that I could even feel aroused the way I do right now. Everything about Enzo turns me on.
He doesn't make a thing of it, simply holds out a chair for me. “Come sit down, beautiful.” I do. He hands me a glass of orange juice and a plate of bacon and toast. My favorite breakfast food. I should probably be eating fruit and all that crap people who care about being mega healthy eat. But I'm not one of those girls, I'll eat what I damn well want, to hell with what people think.
We eat in silence. He watches me, I can sense his eyes on me every now and again, but I don't make eye contact with him. This whole thing is uncomfortable enough as it is.
“Paige?” Any thoughts about me getting out of here without a difficult conversation go out the window at the sound of my name on his lips. “We need to talk.”
“I don't want to, Enzo. I just want to forget about last night.”
“I meant about us.”
Us? There's an us now? I'm planning on leaving here in a few short hours for months. Months where I won't see him or even call him, and he wants to talk about us?
“There's nothing to talk about, Enzo. You've made it very clear that there is no us.”
“I know that I haven't exactly been good to you these past few weeks,” I shift in my seat. I'm not ready for this conversation. If he tells me he wants to be with me now it will derail everything I have set in motion.
Why would he even want to be with me now? Guilt? I'm not interested, I have to stay strong. But how can I do that when I know the second I tell him that I'm leaving he'll force me to stay? Enzo is a damn caveman, he will literally keep me here if I try to leave.
There's only one thing I can do. Pretend to want what he wants.
“I was afraid that I couldn't be who you needed me to be, Paige. After the way, I fucked everything up with Autumn. I didn't want to do that to you. But I realized what I did to you was so much worse.” He reaches over and takes my hand across the small table. “You are the last person on this earth I ever wanted to hurt. I couldn't stop myself from wanting you. Hell, I tried so hard to push you away, but you kept on drawing me in”.
“So it's my fault you kept dragging me places to fuck me like I was nothing but your whore?” I am seriously offended!
“No, of course not. I just meant that I can't stay away from you no matter what I do. Do you know how many years I've fought what I feel for you?” Oh, god, he's gonna say it. I'm not ready to hear it.
“I can't do this right now, Enzo.” I pull my hand away from him and get out of my seat. “I don't feel ready. Please understand.” I swallow hard and fight the tears trying to fall.
I want nothing more in this world than for him to tell me that he loves me, wants me, but it wouldn't be real. He'll only be telling me this because he feels guilty for pushing me to start dating someone else, to forget him. Someone who hurt me.
“We need to talk about this, Paige.” He also gets out of his seat, but he doesn't make an attempt to touch me. Thankfully. “I know I've been a bastard to you, but I was trying to protect you.”
“From what, Enzo? From being hurt by you? How'd that work out for you?” That was harsh but true.
Something flashes past his eyes, a little of the darkness he fights every day. “I know. Okay? But, baby, don't you see that we belong together?” This time he grabs me, pulling me closer. Any other time in my life I would have gone into his arms willingly and stayed there. But I can't right now. I just can't.
I shrug him off me and take a step back. If it hurt his feelings he doesn't let it show. “I have to go. I can't do this right now. Please just give me a little time to get my head around everything that's happened lately. If we really belong together like you say, then you'll be waiting for me when I'm ready to talk. If not...” I leave it hanging in the air between us, kiss his cheek and walk out of there before I burst into tears.
I just can't make anything easy for myself, can I?
* * *
It's been great spending the day with my brother and sister, and Della, of course. I watched my little sister opening her presents and t
hen speaking with our parents on the phone. They're having a wonderful honeymoon, which won't be tainted by the truth of what happened to me. There's plenty of time for them to find out once they're home.
It took me an hour to convince Freddy not to call them last night. It's easier if they don't know right away. Christ, my mother would never allow me to leave for L.A if she knew. And nothing will stop me from leaving.
The four of us had dinner together, we laughed, we joked. None of us spoke about what happened last night. Although I know Della was dying to question me about it. I'm not ready to talk about it with anyone. I doubt I ever will be. I'll tuck it away and never speak of it again until I have to. And only to the authorities. If they find Mark and charge him, that is.
“You take care out there,” Della says as she squeezes me tightly. The noise of an announcement halts me in my tracks. I smile at her even though the damn thing is beyond loud.
“I'll call you as soon as I get there.” She nods and pulls away so I can hug my brother.
“You'll be okay?” I nod.
I will be okay but it doesn't stop this from hurting me right now. I'm walking away from the man I have loved my whole life just when he was becoming mine. But I have my reasons. If I don't do this I will forever wonder if he's only with me out of guilt.
When you've dreamed about something your whole life, prayed and even begged for it to be true, when it suddenly happens it doesn't feel real. I can't seem to force myself to believe he really wants me. That's why I need this trip, so I can sort through everything and figure out if being with Enzo is really the best thing for me.
I'll never deny him the right to be a father to his child, I just hope he can be that and not the man who fucks me anytime or anywhere. I deserve more than that, even if I do yearn for it, for his touch, his attention. If he can't treat me with respect, then I need to stay away from him. I won't be his whore any longer.
“Take care,” I tell them with a hug to my little sister. I wave at them as I descend the escalator, taking me up to my new life. Well, for three months at least. And I'm going to make these three months count. I'm not going to think about Enzo and everything that's gone on between us. I won't think about what could be. I'm going to concentrate on the job I'm employed to do.
Maybe by the time I'm ready to come home I'll know what I want. Maybe I won't. Maybe I won't even come back here. The way I feel right now, I won't.
Twenty
Enzo
“What the hell do you mean, “she's gone?” She wasn't supposed to leave until tonight!” Yeah, I'm yelling like a damn madman, but Paige wasn't supposed to leave until tonight, early hours of tomorrow morning, in fact. I thought I had time to convince her that I loved her. Fuck! I never even got to tell her.
“What's it to you, Enzo?” I rake my fingers through my hair. How could she do this? How could she leave and not even tell me about our baby?! “You motherfucking son-of-a-bitch!” Okay, I should have anticipated that punch. Freddy will get just one. Best friend or not, I will kill him.
“Do not touch me again.” My voice is calm but my racing heart is anything but. I'm not of sound mind right now, only god knows what I'll do.
“How could you, Enzo? You're my best friend! How could you screw around with my sister?!”
“Because I love her, you son-of-a-bitch!” I close my eyes for a second, feeling the weight on my chest. “Because I love her. It's my baby she's carrying, Freddy. She should be here with me.”
“If there's even a baby anymore.” He says it so nonchalantly, but his words hit me square in the chest. Would she really abort our child? She moved to fucking L.A just to get away from me, what the hell makes me think she'd keep our kid?
I slump down on the porch swing outside Freddy's house. I'd only come by to pick up Paige because we needed to talk. Really talk. This is what I walked into.
“I'm sorry that I deceived you. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do, Fred. You don't have a clue how hard or how long I have fought what I feel for her. I gave myself every damn line in the book. I'm too old for her, too dangerous.”
I sigh and scrub my hands over my face.
I don't really believe I'm too old for Paige, yeah I'm a few years older, but age means nothing when you love someone. And yes, I'm dangerous, but I would never be a danger to Paige. I would never hurt her. Not for anything. In the physical sense at least.
He sighs and slumps down next to me. “I would've understood, Enzo. You could've just told me about the two of you. What the hell did you think I would do?”
“I don't know, Freddy. I didn't think I was good enough for her. I tried to fight what I felt for her so fucking hard.”
“You've been trying for years, Enzo.” He's right, I have. Seems everybody knew what I felt for Paige but me.
“I need to talk to her, Fred.”
“I'm sorry I can't let you do that.” I shoot him warning daggers. I'm not fucking asking here! “She doesn't want to talk to you, Enzo. She needs time. You have to respect that.”
I don't want to respect that, I want to force her to talk to me. I want to go to L.A and force her to come home to me. I want to hear her tell me that she hasn't aborted our child, that I haven't lost another. I can't take the way this feels. I've never felt pain like this in my life. Not even my mother's death hurt like this.
She'll be gone for the next three months and there's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't mean I need to stick the fuck around either. Reza wants me to train with him down south. Fighting is what makes me feel alive. If there's any way for me to put this behind me, for me to forget Paige Monroe it's fighting. I'm gonna take the old fuck up on his offer and get the hell outta this fucking town.
“I know you're hurting, man, but don't let her come back here to find you a fucked up mess.”
Getting to my feet and stretching out my body I tell him, “I've always been a fucked up mess, Freddy. I'm getting outta here for a while. I don't know when I'll be back.”
“You're leaving town?”
“First thing in the morning. Take care of Della.” I slap him on the back. He's a good guy, better than me. He means a lot to me, my dear friend.
“You'll keep in touch, right?”
“Sure.” But as I say it we both know it's a lie. I won't keep in touch. I want a clean break from this place. Whether I ever come back or not I don't know. Apart from my brother and his kids, there's not much to keep me here. My businesses run themselves. I haven't worked as a firefighter in weeks. If I ever come back I know they'll be a job waiting for me should I want it.
Men, my age don't have long left when it comes to cage fighting. It kinda feels like you're an old piece of cheese coming up to its sell by date. This will be my last chance to show what I can do. Hell, I've been head hunted for years due to my undefeated streak. Who knows, maybe some punk will get lucky and actually knock me out. Maybe having my face pummeled will knock some sense into my brain. Either that or it'll give me some kind of brain damage that makes me forget ever knowing Paige Monroe.
Twenty-One
Paige
Three months later...
To say I hadn't enjoyed my time in LA would be a lie. I made some good friends, and I loved working at the hospital. Not that I spent much time working there. It was rather busy for my liking, and in my condition, I couldn't keep up with the workload.
I could have gone home weeks ago if I'm honest. My heart wasn't ready to face Enzo, so I stayed. I can't say being here has lessened my love for him, it hasn't. But I do feel stronger, more able to treat him as the friend he once was to me.
Yes, I've decided we're better off as friends. Who knows, maybe sometime in the future, we can be together. But for right now I'm content with the way things are.
Of course, he's in for a big shock when he sees me, but then so is everyone else. Especially my mother. But I'm a big girl now, I can make my own decisions. Not that this was an easy decision because it wasn't. I had a little blip there in L.A. I
honestly didn't think I could do this, be someone's mother. Especially when Enzo and I aren't together. I thought about termination and adoption, and then I cried my eyes out because I knew I could do neither of those things. I didn't even want to.
I sang to my baby every night, and I told it all about its father and how I would make sure they had a close bond. I only hope that's true.
I should have gone straight round to see my parents as soon as I arrived home, but I crashed as soon I got into my house. I was so tired I didn't even make it upstairs, I fell asleep on the couch. I woke late this morning. I don't think I've slept so long in months.
Looking around my house this morning I could tell my mother had been in and cleaned the place up. I hadn't realized how much what happened here had affected me until I woke up. My house doesn't feel like my home anymore. I don't know that I can stay here. Maybe I just need to give it a few days. Or maybe I need to find somewhere else, I don't want to bring my child home to a place where a man attacked me.
After a hot shower and changing into clean clothes, black leggings, a tank top, and a thin cardigan, I got to sorting my laundry. I then ate breakfast and took myself over to the hospital to fill my boss in on how it went in L.A. I also needed to book in with an obstetrician. After doing all of that and agreeing with my boss that I'd start back to work at the end of the week, which gives me two days to relax, I took myself to Aimee's boutique. I need a consultation. In all, I need her to make me a few things.
“I can't even believe it.” She's said the same thing four times already. What the hell is not to believe?
“Aimee.” I sigh. “Can you just believe it and help me with this?”
“Of course.” She smiles and squeezes my hand. We then spend the next half hour talking. She listens to me while I tell her exactly what I'm envisioning. It's nothing major, just the normal a woman would need to feel comfortable. Aimee is amazing at what she does. She designs and makes the most amazing dresses, lingerie, anything really. The girl is gifted.